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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

233 replies

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 11:58

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

OP posts:
Newyearnewmeow · 08/01/2023 15:15

I wouldn’t ask DD. She will feel torn between the two of you. I would tell him she can’t go as your holiday is planned for that time. Wouldn’t mention the booking hasn’t been made yet.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2023 15:18

SerenaTee · 08/01/2023 12:22

Just send him a message “DD has told me you’ve booked a holiday for X August but that’s the week DD will be on holiday with me. As you’re aware, you agreed to check dates with me in advance to avoid this sort of clash so it’s a shame you didn’t do this. She’s available any other time in August so just let me know if you will be taking her away another time instead”.

I would send this. See what he says. He may not have even booked something.

RandomMess · 08/01/2023 15:20

Ok so you absolutely pre-warned him just tell him DD isn't available that week due to the big family holiday you told him about.

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 15:21

thedancingbear · 08/01/2023 14:40

To those asking 'what does the DD want to you' - this is irrelevant. The whole point is about the OP and her ex sniping at each other. Their capability to inconvenience each other is clearly much more important.

No the whole point is that the OP is asking if she's being unreasonable to say her DD cant go on holiday with her dad.

It's right there in the thread title...

DoubleShotEspresso · 08/01/2023 15:29

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:10

@girlmom21 I only got my family members shifts yesterday. I would have told him the dates before booking, unlike him!

In this case I'd just tell him it's not possible and he needs to check with you first.

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 15:31

Your plans don't trump his plans.

He no more has to check with you than you have to check with him. Now you know the dates you want to go, feel free to check with him, and he'll tell you those dates are not available, so you'll need to book another week.

Either you split the holiday in two (i.e. by prior arrangement you book your holiday in the first 3 weeks and him in the second 3 weeks) or it's first come first served.

You missed your chance this year for that one week. You can take your DD on holiday any other week of the summer holidays, albeit without this one extended family member who's shifts aren't compatible.

You can't possibly think its reasonable to expect to get first dibs on the entire summer holiday every year.

lieselotte · 08/01/2023 15:39

I wonder why the other family member's presence is more important than your dd?

Yes I know it's annoying your ex didn't check. But on the assumption he's booked and your family have not, your family could accommodate your daughter and the other family member could not go, or do their best to get their shifts changed.

If none of that works, then your dd has to decide which she prefers, or if it's feasible to do both. Or check if your ex has indeed booked the holiday yet.

Original poster
whatajoy · 08/01/2023 15:42

@mrsm43s I've never had first dibs on the summer holidays - he's done this every single year.

OP posts:
Easternext · 08/01/2023 15:42

Dd is old enough to decide which holiday she goes on just ask her.

Easternext · 08/01/2023 15:46

And she won't be choosing between you and dad she will be choosing the holiday she would prefer.

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 15:49

I would message something like "DD has told me your planned holiday dates. Unfortunately you remember I said not to book anything without running it past me this year - well guess what is the only week people are available?
I've always agreed to your dates in the past, so you know I would change if I could but it's not just DD and me to factor in here. Do you have any flexibility to change the week you're going? I don't want to have to make DD choose, but I don't know what else to do. "

willithappen · 08/01/2023 15:55

If it's your entire family going on holiday then surely you must have had a vague idea of dates for a bit now so should have told him before that those were off limit.

Or if you didn't know the dates til yesterday then it's unfortunate for you as his is already booked. Then you'd need to tell your family that unfortunately their dates don't work for you and see if you can figure out another week

SouperWoman · 08/01/2023 16:10

@whatajoy i think you are saying that if your DD goes with her father on those dates then you will not be able to take your planned family holiday this year. If that is the case, I think the fact yours is not booked with a travel company is irrelevant.

  1. you’ve already booked those dates (with your family)
  2. He was given a year’s notice you would be booking non flexible dates
  3. he did not check with you in advance
  4. he still has plenty of time to change his booking

message him: ‘DD tells me you have booked x dates for your summer holiday. Unfortunately that clashes with my holiday. I do not think it is fair or appropriate to make DD choose between her parents. As you had first choice on dates last year AnD I gave you prior warning of my family holiday I think you should change your dates. It would be great if, moving forward, we could discuss plans in advance of booking. I’m sure we discussed this last summer. Best wishes’

He has ample notice to change his plans.

however if push comes to shove and he won’t change, I do think you will need to allow your DD the choice - sorry.

BruceAndNosh · 08/01/2023 16:21

He can change the date of his holiday. If he has to pay an admin charge to do so, it's his own fault

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 16:26

BruceAndNosh · 08/01/2023 16:21

He can change the date of his holiday. If he has to pay an admin charge to do so, it's his own fault

Not necessarily. If it's a UK cottage for example through an agency, they are generally non cancellable or changeable.

SenecaFallsRedux · 08/01/2023 16:29

Easternext · 08/01/2023 15:46

And she won't be choosing between you and dad she will be choosing the holiday she would prefer.

I agree with this. It's very irritating what the dad has done, and I would first try to see if he can change his dates, but she is 14 and old enough to decide what she wants to do.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 08/01/2023 16:31

BruceAndNosh · 08/01/2023 16:21

He can change the date of his holiday. If he has to pay an admin charge to do so, it's his own fault

He booked a holiday first. If DD’s mum says DD can’t go, that won’t necessarily mean he cancels or moves it, he could still go with his wife and DC.

At 14, surely DD is old enough to choose what holiday she prefers (this is NOT choosing which parent she prefers).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/01/2023 16:32

Has he told you officially yet? Cant you just get in there first and message him telling him as youd discussed previously you were planning a big family holiday and here are the dates you've booked?

Roselilly36 · 08/01/2023 16:35

If you don’t want to put the decision on your DD, which I totally understand, I would say whoever books first.

EmJay19 · 08/01/2023 16:47

Did you tell him the dates when it was booked?

Blossomtoes · 08/01/2023 16:51

Roselilly36 · 08/01/2023 16:35

If you don’t want to put the decision on your DD, which I totally understand, I would say whoever books first.

That’s Dad then. He’s already booked, OP hasn’t.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 16:53

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 12:46

Honestly wouldn't give it another thought. Just tell him those dates are taken and its a pity he didn't check like agreed.

And sod what the 14 year old wants?

She's been told about the holiday her dad's booked for them and could well be looking forward to it already.

I never said that but her father has clearly never been bothered about what she wants has he?

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 16:56

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:01

I think as this seems to be an on going problem you both set up an arrangement, through the courts if necessary. This will work both ways though. You seem to be implying that you feel your plans (which are in your head atm) trump his. Unless there's a back story they don't. That's the challenge of co parenting. If you can't both be flexible you'll have to go formal.

Its not coparenting if one party does all the work.

TooTrusting · 08/01/2023 16:57

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2023 12:53

I'd ring my family and ask them to book it asap. Then I'd message him now to say, "just to let you know, daughter is on holiday with my family on x til x in August."

Unless you can't change your dates, I'd play dumb and do this. Get in first with "just to let you know I've booked a holiday with DD on these dates". He won't know DD has told you.

If he says he can't change then I'm afraid there's no realistic choice other than to let DD decide given her age. You could go to court over it but that would be expensive and difficult for DD.

However if you can book different dates that don't clash then that's what I'd do. Next time, tell ex that you are going to book between x and y dates but are waiting for relatives dates before you can. You will know by x date so please hold off booking anything yourself as you have for the last x years imposed your dates on me unilaterally and have agreed not to do that again.

Doyoumind · 08/01/2023 16:58

Some women who don't like other women on this thread.

OP does all the grunt work and should be able to have her holiday with DD, particularly as the whole family are going together. It would be ruined without DD, and DD deserves the chance to have a holiday with her whole family. It would be nice to have a holiday with her DF too, but he's now put her in a position where instead of having two nice holidays she has to miss out on one, because he didn't do the sensible and responsible thing and check dates first. That wasn't putting his DD first.

He's a dick, OP. A full family holiday that's been planned for a year takes precedence. I would tell him you'd love for DD to go on holiday with him but he'll have to look at alternative dates.