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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

233 replies

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 11:58

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 17:03

OK, thats the challenge of not being in a relationship with your child's other parent.

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:03

The dates that OP want to book aren't available, as her DD is already booked up for them. She'll have to choose another date. If that means she can't go on holiday with both DD and the extended family member, then so be it. She can choose to go on holiday at a different time with her DD.

I don't understand why everyone thinks that if both Mum and her Dad want the same dates that Mum gets precedence, even though she hasn't booked and Dad has?

Simply put, they need to either mutually agree (impossible in this instance as they both want the same dates), or it's first come first served, or DD gets to choose.

Mum's holiday plans do not by default trump Dad's holiday plans. They are both equally important.

In future, have a discussion about dates and allocate dates available for each party to book within well before booking is likely to happen. So this summer for next summer for example. It was unreasonable to expect to hold/reserve the entirety of the summer holiday up to this late.

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 17:04

@Doyoumind the big family holiday has hardly been planned for a year if it's not even been booked.

It's not about what's fair on OP sadly, it has to be about what's best for DD. She doesn't see much of her DF - every other weekend I would surmise- therefore whilst he has been a total dick about this, and the best solution is he can change his dates, DD may still prefer to go on holiday with him as it's the only decent amount of time they get together. Again I'm sure he could have more if he asked or wanted to, but not DDs fault.

Original poster
whatajoy · 08/01/2023 17:06

@mrsm43s Last year I asked him not to book a holiday this Summer that included DD before checking dates first as we had a whole family holiday planned for August. He still went ahead and did it anyway, like he does every single year.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 08/01/2023 17:08

Message your ex and tell him your dates and say just to let you know so your dates don’t clash….

then sit back and let him deal with it

DivorcedAndDelighted · 08/01/2023 17:08

SerenaTee · 08/01/2023 12:22

Just send him a message “DD has told me you’ve booked a holiday for X August but that’s the week DD will be on holiday with me. As you’re aware, you agreed to check dates with me in advance to avoid this sort of clash so it’s a shame you didn’t do this. She’s available any other time in August so just let me know if you will be taking her away another time instead”.

Perfect. Just do this OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2023 17:08

I've never had first dibs on the summer holidays - he's done this every single year.

And you've let him do it. So why would he behave differently this year?

Either talk to him about it, ask him to change HIS dates or change YOUR dates or keep on moaning about in on MN... which will solve nothing.

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:09

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 17:06

@mrsm43s Last year I asked him not to book a holiday this Summer that included DD before checking dates first as we had a whole family holiday planned for August. He still went ahead and did it anyway, like he does every single year.

And that was an entirely unreasonable thing for you to ask, which is probably why he ignored you.

You are one of two parents. You cannot reserve the entire holiday season for yourself.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 17:10

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:09

And that was an entirely unreasonable thing for you to ask, which is probably why he ignored you.

You are one of two parents. You cannot reserve the entire holiday season for yourself.

Show quote history

But the other ‘parent’ only parents 4 nights a month, he can’t be arsed with any other part of parenting so why does he get equal/priority share for holidays?

CruCru · 08/01/2023 17:11

SerenaTee · 08/01/2023 12:22

Just send him a message “DD has told me you’ve booked a holiday for X August but that’s the week DD will be on holiday with me. As you’re aware, you agreed to check dates with me in advance to avoid this sort of clash so it’s a shame you didn’t do this. She’s available any other time in August so just let me know if you will be taking her away another time instead”.

Yes I like this very much.

Sarahcoggles · 08/01/2023 17:12

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 15:49

I would message something like "DD has told me your planned holiday dates. Unfortunately you remember I said not to book anything without running it past me this year - well guess what is the only week people are available?
I've always agreed to your dates in the past, so you know I would change if I could but it's not just DD and me to factor in here. Do you have any flexibility to change the week you're going? I don't want to have to make DD choose, but I don't know what else to do. "

This

FUEWC · 08/01/2023 17:13

Yab a bit unreasonable to expected a whole other family to put their plans on hold for yours.

Your poor DD.

FUEWC · 08/01/2023 17:14

And don’t make DD choose FGS. Use a family mediator or something if you really can’t sort it between just the two of you.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 08/01/2023 17:15

Is he telling your DD his way of telling you? Can you just go ahead and book and act surprised when he bothers to let you know.

Soontobe60 · 08/01/2023 17:16

Whilst it’s bloody annoying that he’s done it again, you have 3 choices here.

  1. ask your DD to choose between her parents (not a great thing to do though)
  2. tell whoever you were waiting for the dates from that you can’t do those dates and ask them to change their holiday. (they have 8 months notice!)
  3. DD goes away with her DF, you go away with the rest of your family at the same time.
RandomPerson42 · 08/01/2023 17:17

You can’t change your dates, he can.
So he changes his and learns a lesson.
Double win.

Yoloohno · 08/01/2023 17:19

I think I’m this situation I’d let your 14 year old decide which holiday she wants to do.

She is will be around 15 and one holiday may appeal more. Whichever parent isn’t chosen should respect her wishes.

Also could you change your dates slightly and the unspecified adult family member could join you for a portion of the holiday.

PrincessConstance · 08/01/2023 17:19

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 17:06

@mrsm43s Last year I asked him not to book a holiday this Summer that included DD before checking dates first as we had a whole family holiday planned for August. He still went ahead and did it anyway, like he does every single year.

I'm sure he remembered what you said to him last yr.

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:40

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 17:10

But the other ‘parent’ only parents 4 nights a month, he can’t be arsed with any other part of parenting so why does he get equal/priority share for holidays?

Show quote history

No, he is a parent 365 days of the year, just as OP is.

He has the same parental rights as OP has.

OP's wants do not trump her exes wants. She already has the luxury and priviledge of the majority of her DD's time.

Her DD will consider both her equal parents and will equally want to spend holiday time with them both. This is the most important consideration.

It is not reasonable for any one parent to reserve the entirely of the summer holiday.

Simplest way going forward would be to agree that one parent has free choice in the first 3 weeks of the school holiday and the other has free choice in the second 3 weeks of the school holiday.

But for this year, OP was sadly too late to make arrangements, and her DD is unavailable on the week she wants to book. So she can go without DD or take DD on a different holiday at another time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 17:40

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:09

And that was an entirely unreasonable thing for you to ask, which is probably why he ignored you.

You are one of two parents. You cannot reserve the entire holiday season for yourself.

Show quote history

The other 'parent' can only be bothered 4 days a month so essentially reserves every month for himself yet the OP isn't allowed to gave him a years notice of a big holiday?

Some of the replies on this thread scream misogyny.

lieselotte · 08/01/2023 17:41

OP you've not answered my question about whether your family member could change their shifts, or whether their presence is more important than your dd's. Or whether your dd could do feasibly do part of both trips.

But ultimately she needs to decide what she'd rather do if there's a clash.

It's not about who allegedly "parents" better.

Mumof32017 · 08/01/2023 17:44

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

Yep, the amount of people that simply do not read and then lay into the op is ridiculous.

Original poster
whatajoy · 08/01/2023 17:44

@mrsm43s

OP's wants do not trump her exes wants. She already has the luxury and priviledge of the majority of her DD's time.

My ex chooses to only see her 4 days a month - he has always been offered more and refused.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 17:44

mrsm43s · 08/01/2023 17:40

No, he is a parent 365 days of the year, just as OP is.

He has the same parental rights as OP has.

OP's wants do not trump her exes wants. She already has the luxury and priviledge of the majority of her DD's time.

Her DD will consider both her equal parents and will equally want to spend holiday time with them both. This is the most important consideration.

It is not reasonable for any one parent to reserve the entirely of the summer holiday.

Simplest way going forward would be to agree that one parent has free choice in the first 3 weeks of the school holiday and the other has free choice in the second 3 weeks of the school holiday.

But for this year, OP was sadly too late to make arrangements, and her DD is unavailable on the week she wants to book. So she can go without DD or take DD on a different holiday at another time.

Show quote history

He's not though. He abdicates all responsibilty to the OP 27 days a month.

Kids in this position do not view them as equal parents no matter how much people kid themselves.

Original poster
whatajoy · 08/01/2023 17:45

@lieselotte Sorry I missed that - due to the nature of his job, the family member only gets that week off in August and is not able to swap.

OP posts: