Page 2 | To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

whatajoy · 2023-01-08T11:58:15+00:00

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed. Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though. My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work. Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 12:20

mycatsanutter · 08/01/2023 12:10

I agree op if you ask her to choose that puts her in an awkward position of not wanting to upset either of you . My dd at 21 still feels pressure at where to go go for Christmas so I wouldn't put the pressure of holiday choosing on a 14 year old . I would tell him yours is booked .

And then she'd still have to choose which of the 'booked' holidays she went on

SerenaTee · 08/01/2023 12:22

Just send him a message “DD has told me you’ve booked a holiday for X August but that’s the week DD will be on holiday with me. As you’re aware, you agreed to check dates with me in advance to avoid this sort of clash so it’s a shame you didn’t do this. She’s available any other time in August so just let me know if you will be taking her away another time instead”.

Shelby2010 · 08/01/2023 12:23

But if 4 weeks ago he’d said ‘I want to book x dates.’ What would you have said?

OK - I haven’t got anything booked then, or
Not OK - You can’t book anything for another month until I know when I want

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 12:23

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

This

Youve warned him repeatedly. Stand your ground OP.

PrincessConstance · 08/01/2023 12:23

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

Why make a drama out of the situation?
Dp doesn't have these issues with his ex because there is zero passive aggression and they just co-parent with flexibility.
The DD goes on either one of the holidays. It always amazes me how so many exes are always nit-picking even yrs later. Bat-shit.

MILLYmo0se · 08/01/2023 12:25

Yes I understood that you didnt have your dates until yesterday, so are you saying youd give them to him, he d reply 'oh they clash with my dates' so you then wouldnt book a holiday? Or you d reply oh 'well my turn to get first choice of dates, you ll have to work something out'...... Both courses of action are still open to you.
I totally understand that its very frustrating but going forward til him whatever your summer plans are she cannot travel with you between X and Y and plan your own holiday when it suits you, unfortunately 2 families waiting around for 1 persons shifts to be confirmed while also trying to book their own time off with colleagues and snap up holiday deals is always a frustrating experience.

OutDamnedSpot · 08/01/2023 12:26

But… if he had checked with you before booking, you’d have said yes, because you didn’t know the dates then?

Can’t you just say the truth? “I’ve just found out that the only week Aunt Dot can manage our holiday is xxx, but DD says you’ve booked to go then. Any chance you can move to a different week?”

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 08/01/2023 12:27

You should both be checking dates with each other before you book anything surely?

Original poster

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:34

Maybe I'm just slightly bitter as he has DD 4 nights a month, contributes the bare minimum financially, has never done a single school run in 10 years etc etc... I guess that's not helping the way I'm looking at things!

If he had come to me last month and actually checked dates with me first I'd have told him I was waiting for my family members shifts etc.

It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions though!

OP posts:

Lou898 · 08/01/2023 12:36

Very difficult situation as if yiu say it’s already booked he’ll say that you’re always I sitting he checks with you first and yet you haven’t and if you say you’ve not booked then he’ll say that his is.
Maybe with hindsight it would have been better to tell him what you were planning and why you needed him to wait until after a certain date (when you knew the shifts) before he booked his. Then if he had booked, as he has now, you could have said that he would have to cancel.

Lou898 · 08/01/2023 12:38

Insisting not sitting

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 12:43

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:34

Maybe I'm just slightly bitter as he has DD 4 nights a month, contributes the bare minimum financially, has never done a single school run in 10 years etc etc... I guess that's not helping the way I'm looking at things!

If he had come to me last month and actually checked dates with me first I'd have told him I was waiting for my family members shifts etc.

It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions though!

How did I know this would be the case! Another deadbeat!

You do all the donkey work and he plays disney dad.

Honestly wouldn't give it another thought. Just tell him those dates are taken and its a pity he didn't check like agreed.

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 12:46

Honestly wouldn't give it another thought. Just tell him those dates are taken and its a pity he didn't check like agreed.

And sod what the 14 year old wants?

She's been told about the holiday her dad's booked for them and could well be looking forward to it already.

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 12:49

He's definitely about 80% in the wrong, but based on previous scenarios I would have been telling him that you were about to book and were waiting for a family member to confirm dates - particularly he has form for this.

As his holiday is already booked, I'd ask him if he could change it but I doubt that he will. I think given the circumstances, you should book a different week even if that means you can't go with family member.

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2023 12:53

I'd ring my family and ask them to book it asap. Then I'd message him now to say, "just to let you know, daughter is on holiday with my family on x til x in August."

Duchess379 · 08/01/2023 12:55

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

This!!! Read what the op has said people, fgs!!!

Duchess379 · 08/01/2023 12:56

Ex is a dick. Tell him dates are already booked. Put it back in his court x

RandomMess · 08/01/2023 12:57

I think you need to ask DD which holiday she would prefer to go on tbh.

He's been a dick.

I wonder if it's actually his wife that books it and he just doesn't get involved so she's oblivious that you have asked them to check first.

Do they wash go the same week of the holidays.

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:01

I think as this seems to be an on going problem you both set up an arrangement, through the courts if necessary. This will work both ways though. You seem to be implying that you feel your plans (which are in your head atm) trump his. Unless there's a back story they don't. That's the challenge of co parenting. If you can't both be flexible you'll have to go formal.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 08/01/2023 13:01

My ex did this last summer- I told him he could take the kids away any week except one as my parents golden wedding anniversary trip was rearranged for then after having to cancel due to lockdown. Guess which week he decided to book to take kids to Italy. He has them for no overnights and is barely a dad to them to be honest. However they were of course desperate to go so they came on my trip for one night then I made him get the train to pick them up and had a few days just with my family. It was fucking galling and I was furious but they would have been gutted to miss their holiday. You need to sound out your DD in a non judgmental way to see what she wants.

whosaidtha · 08/01/2023 13:01

If she says it's already booked then he comes back with - why didn't you tell me (I know she didn't know until yesterday but the lie it's already booked implies she knew)
And why does her booked holiday take precedence over his. In the 'I've already booked it' lie neither checked so who gets the holiday isn't automatically her right.

You need to speak to your ex to see if he can change it and if he can't then you need to ask your dd. It might be a shit position for her but if she's told she can't go on an all inclusive trip to Hawaii because you're taking her to Blackpool for a family meet up she's likely to be a bit annoyed.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 13:02

Was you going to check the dates of your holiday with him first?

I get why you’re annoyed but unless you check with him then he can’t really be expected to check with you first either.

If every year it means you lose out on a holiday then maybe have it set up that he can take her anytime the first 3 weeks of the summer and you can take her the last 3 weeks of the summer - although considering you only got your dates yesterday then I can’t see how this is going to work and it’s going to have to continue to be first come first served.

You will have to just book a holiday on a different week and if finances allow then go on this family holiday without her.

She is very fortunate getting to go away in holiday even just once so try and see if from her POV.

Deathbyfluffy · 08/01/2023 13:03

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2023 12:53

I'd ring my family and ask them to book it asap. Then I'd message him now to say, "just to let you know, daughter is on holiday with my family on x til x in August."

The problem with doing that is the OP is then doing exactly what the Dad has been asked not to do - booking without checking.

Frumpymumma · 08/01/2023 13:05

Let her choose.
I have similar with eldest. We booked and paid for a holiday. Then ex booked one and dates clash.
Eldest said they'd sooner go with dad and that's fine.
Ours wasnt paid per person just the accommodation.. So we didn't lose out

Myyearmytime · 08/01/2023 13:07

I just message him and say my hoilday date for your information are . Don't mention that you know his . And just wait ...