To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

[whatajoy]

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

if it’s one or the other i think id be telling him ‘no thanks’!

What would give you the right to do that without asking what the person with the most skin in the game actually wants?

if you have flexibility in your dates then it would be nice for DD to have two holidays, but if it’s one or the other i think id be telling him ‘no thanks’! It’s not fair to be expected to do all the graft and give him the fun summer holiday.

She's a 14 year old girl, not a friggin beach ball to be slung in the suitcase 🙄

Honestly, no wonder so many teens and young adults end up with real problems due to their selfish parents playing tug of war with them.

You didn't tell him you were waiting for a family member's work rota to book your holiday. So why would you expect him to work around you?

It's unfortunate that the dates have coincided, but as you've previously just let him do this every year, why should he assume any different this year, if you haven't communicated with him at all?

Don't heap this on your DD's shoulders. Suck it up and change your dates.

Why do you have to go away with your family? Surely that is being really restrictive for your DD and your ex and his new family?

Take your DD away by yourself another time. Or at least be a bit more flexible.

To those asking 'what does the DD want to you' - this is irrelevant. The whole point is about the OP and her ex sniping at each other. Their capability to inconvenience each other is clearly much more important.

It is unreasonable to expect your exh to delay making any holiday plans until your family member gets their shift dates.

He's still a sick tho.

This is a very good response.

Neither of you checked the dates with each other…

Ask dd what she wants to do.

she hasn’t booked yet
she got her dates yesterday and is now deciding what to do about the clash so hasn’t quite reached the ‘telling him’ stage yet.

I understand all that yet my opinion stays the same.

It is unreasonable to expect your exh to delay making any holiday plans until your family member gets their shift dates.

^^
Agree with this

So he’s not told you yet? Then get in first -

hi ex

Just to confirm I’ve booked a family holiday with dd and other family members for the summer dates x to y.

I know you often book without checking with me so wanted to ensure you have the dates from me to work around.

Best wishes
op

No further conversation needed.

When her Dad did this last year I said do him he 100% can't do this again next year because of a big family holiday being planned. It's my entire family. So although I couldn't give him dates he knew what was being planned and he still went ahead and booked a holiday anyway!

Except the one with her DD where she asks her 14 year old to keep it secret that from her dad she’s already told her about the holiday booked, seen as it was the DD who told the mum.

This.

As above.

Have you told him yet he can't have those dates?

Agree with this. Why should the OP be penalised, because she couldn’t book her summer holidays earlier than the first week in January? Not all jobs allow for booking Annual Leave as early as this.

So should OP also wait until her ex knows when his time off is before she’s allowed to book a holiday?

They either decide to have set weeks when they can take her away or they book it as soon as they know when their time off is/get a good deal.

If it was OP who had already booked the holiday and then her ex was moaning because he was thinking of booking a holiday for the same dates but hadn’t booked it or even mentioned it before, then no one would have any sympathy for him because OP can’t wait for him to maybe book a holiday.

Neither of them are in the wrong and it’s just bad luck that it falls on the exact same date that her extended family have time off and want to book a holiday for.

The only thing you can do OP is let your DD choose which one she goes on depending on the destination and which one she’d find more fun or not been to before.

Maybe just say.. “DD just told me about the holiday that you’ve booked but I’m hoping she’s got the dates mixed up as we’ve also booked that week to go away. It would be a shame for her to miss the trip you’ve planned because you didn’t check the dates again?”.

@Coffeellama no need. The message via a 14 year old is not appropriate and doesn’t count as being reliably informed by the other parent. Yes Dd told her but it’s for the father to have that conversation with the resident parent and he’s not done that.

I'm with you op.
He leaves you to do the grunt of the parenting, doesn't ever communicate holiday dates, even though you ask him too, you've pre warned him about the big family holiday this summer and told him in no uncertain terms to check with you before he books anything, he ignored that and booked anyway, it would have taken 10 seconds to call op to check dates but he didn't bother because he is a selfish arse.
Asking DD does put her in the middle and I don't think it's fair she is made to choose. You've had a few good responses to ex here I'd use one of them and personally wouldn't back down on this. He can't be arsed to be a parent he doesn't get to dictate holidays.
I've no doubt DD would love a big family holiday with op and extended family.

I see this similar to booking work holidays. If people check with each other hopefully everyone gets suitable dates but ultimately its first come first served.

If you were concerned you could have messaged him specifically asking him not to book before the end of January.

You say you weren’t expecting him to book yet he has done this every year. Were you honestly surprised?
I’m torn, on the one hand your DD has little enough time with her father, if they have a good relationship I would want to encourage that because there probably won’t be many more holidays as she’s going to want to make plans with friends in a few years. Plus your holiday isn’t booked as you only just received dates, if it hadn’t clashed you would it have bothered you that he never checked.
On the flip side he said he would check but didn’t and although not booked it sounds like logistically your holiday is more complicated and by telling him DD has plans you would like to think he would check in future. Asking him to change dates makes most sense if he can go any time.
If he won’t/can’t change his dates then 14 is old enough to pick which holiday DD would prefer. You just have to choose carefully how you phrase it. I wouldn’t tell her dad that I was going to ask her, just let him know the outcome.
I hope DD gets to have two great holidays.

100% this

OK so you actually did tell him you had a big holiday plan so in this case I would just tell him you told him to check because you had a big holiday planned with your whole family so your DD is unavailable that week.