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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

233 replies

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 11:58

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 08/01/2023 13:08

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking.

But if she found out the dates yesterday then why didn’t she immediately message him and say that’s she’s taking DD away on X dates, he then couldn’t have booked a holiday at the same time.

How long does he have to wait to see if OP is going to let him know about booking a holiday?

I can see why she’d be frustrated but if he sees a good deal and OP hadn’t told him of her holiday plans, then he is of course going to book it.

If OP had booked or told him she booked it yesterday when she found out her dates and he turned around and said that he wanted to take DD away that week and he was hoping to book it soon, then it would be tough luck because OP had already said it and it’s not fair that she cancels her holiday to suit him and vice versa.

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:12

But she IS just as bad. Yes she's only just got the dates so couldn't say in advance which week she wanted however Dad could so he's picked his dates. Whats the alternative? Are you suggesting that Dad (and step mum) can't book anything in advance until OP has decided what dates she wants?

itsgettingweird · 08/01/2023 13:17

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:10

@girlmom21 I only got my family members shifts yesterday. I would have told him the dates before booking, unlike him!

So if he'd have asked you weeks ago when he booked it then dates would have been available because you didn't know that's when you'd be booking yours?

Agree with asking DD.

"DD - we are booking to go to x these dates. It's the only dates available. Shall I book for you to come or do you want to go on holiday with dad and SM?"

She's 14. I'm sure she can choose no problems and will only feel torn between choosing if you and ex H have made her feel like making a decision about what she wants is choosing one of you over the other.

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:18

What makes you think this is anything othervthan poor communication

America12 · 08/01/2023 13:19

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2023 12:53

I'd ring my family and ask them to book it asap. Then I'd message him now to say, "just to let you know, daughter is on holiday with my family on x til x in August."

Then she's doing what she's asked him not to do.

girlmom21 · 08/01/2023 13:19

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:10

@girlmom21 I only got my family members shifts yesterday. I would have told him the dates before booking, unlike him!

So if he'd said to you last week that he was going to book it you'd have presumably said yeah that's fine?

You couldn't expect him to hold off on his whole families holiday booking until you'd heard from one family member.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 13:21

If he’d have told you the dates even 2 days ago you didn’t no your dates anyway so it would have been booked… he's annoying but it’s booked now. At 14 I’d explain the situation to your DD and let her decide, she’s plenty old enough.

Reugny · 08/01/2023 13:22

itsgettingweird · 08/01/2023 13:17

So if he'd have asked you weeks ago when he booked it then dates would have been available because you didn't know that's when you'd be booking yours?

Agree with asking DD.

"DD - we are booking to go to x these dates. It's the only dates available. Shall I book for you to come or do you want to go on holiday with dad and SM?"

She's 14. I'm sure she can choose no problems and will only feel torn between choosing if you and ex H have made her feel like making a decision about what she wants is choosing one of you over the other.

Show quote history

This with bells on it.

Let your DD decide and don't pressure her.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/01/2023 13:22

Can't you just have a conversation with him?

Ask him if he is ok to change the dates as those are the only dates you can make? You can't do anything before you know the answer to that really can you. If they can't be changed, then your dd has a decision to make

RedHelenB · 08/01/2023 13:26

Yabu if you lie.

Wiluli · 08/01/2023 13:26

If your holiday isn’t booked then it can be changed ? What does your daughter want to do ? At 14 she is more than old enough to have a say .

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:27

Not the same at all. You gave him the date in advance. OP didn't.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 13:29

Wiluli · 08/01/2023 13:26

If your holiday isn’t booked then it can be changed ? What does your daughter want to do ? At 14 she is more than old enough to have a say .

She clearly says it can’t be changed and explains why

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 13:29

If you have a holiday booked first then it's fair can't go and you've warned him to check so that's fair. Maybe he can change his dates.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/01/2023 13:30

Have actually speaking to him. He still be able to move his week or you could do a different week just with DD. It's a shame for her not to get a holiday with each parent.

rookiemere · 08/01/2023 13:30

What are the holidays in question <being nosey> ?
OP could go on another holiday, it just won't be with the additional relatives.

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 13:30

Sorry, just seen yours isn't booked. In future if probably notify him as soon as you know any dates. If his is booked first then it's tricker

MelchiorsMistress · 08/01/2023 13:35

Who is the family member you want to go on holiday with?

I think that makes a difference as to which holiday should be a priority for your dd, because it is more important that she has a holiday with her dad than her uncle or your new partner.

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:35

I had this with my ex. He decided I should wait for him to make his holiday plans for the year and then book mine around his. I told him to fuck off and that whatever is booked first should take precedent. I booked and told him after the event. You booked first - your holiday should take precedence.

Kerri9 · 08/01/2023 13:36

Can’t you ask your family member to change/ swap shifts and then she can go on both holidays. Her dad has actually booked and you haven’t. Yes he should of checked with you but he didn’t

XanaduKira · 08/01/2023 13:37

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

I'm with you! It's almost like people either can't read properly or they deliberately look for ways to twist the Op to have a go at them!

Choconut · 08/01/2023 13:42

But what if he had phoned and asked you OP? Would you really have said that he couldn't book any holiday at any time over the summer because you didn't know your dates yet? You hadn't booked anything and didn't even have any dates so there wouldn't have been anything you could do to stop him saying he wanted those dates.

I totally agree that he's a complete ass with regard to not discussing it beforehand generally though.

Choconut · 08/01/2023 13:43

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:35

I had this with my ex. He decided I should wait for him to make his holiday plans for the year and then book mine around his. I told him to fuck off and that whatever is booked first should take precedent. I booked and told him after the event. You booked first - your holiday should take precedence.

She hasn't booked though.

PugInTheHouse · 08/01/2023 13:44

He's a total arse for not checking but I don't think you could really make him wait a month whilst you're waiting to decide. You should have had an adult discussion ages ago to say what your potential plans were and to tell him roughly when you would know etc. This just feels all a bit childish.

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:44

Ah sorry, my mistake.