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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

233 replies

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 11:58

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:44

PugInTheHouse · 08/01/2023 13:44

He's a total arse for not checking but I don't think you could really make him wait a month whilst you're waiting to decide. You should have had an adult discussion ages ago to say what your potential plans were and to tell him roughly when you would know etc. This just feels all a bit childish.

Yep, this.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 13:45

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/01/2023 13:35

I had this with my ex. He decided I should wait for him to make his holiday plans for the year and then book mine around his. I told him to fuck off and that whatever is booked first should take precedent. I booked and told him after the event. You booked first - your holiday should take precedence.

She hasn’t booked at all… she was actually hoping for him to wait until she had her dates to book his holiday. But he booked first and she still hasn’t booked. So you are totally on the exs side here.

CuntyChopss · 08/01/2023 13:48

XanaduKira · 08/01/2023 13:37

I'm with you! It's almost like people either can't read properly or they deliberately look for ways to twist the Op to have a go at them!

Show quote history

On MN? Never 😂

Same as those saying “just talk to him, have a conversation with him”. The OP makes it screamingly obvious this man is a giant douche why would he cave on this when year on yearop asks him not to be a nob with the dates and he always is a nob with the dates.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 13:49

Just seen I cross posted with you there @HandbagsnGladrags

Obbydoo · 08/01/2023 13:50

I was in your daughter's shoes many years ago. I.e divorced parents. Whilst I have an OK relationship with my mum, I'm nearly 50 now and it still annoys me that she interfered with and tried to dictate the relationship I had with my father right up to me being 16. Your daughter is old enough to make a decision and should be allowed to do so.

LlynTegid · 08/01/2023 13:53

DDs opinions/preferences should be sought.

Her dad does seem someone who the most polite description is 'Disney Dad'.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 13:55

I'm with you! It's almost like people either can't read properly or they deliberately look for ways to twist the Op to have a go at them!

So what are you suggesting happens next year?

Can her dad never book a holiday just incase OP wants those dates?

What about if OP booked the dates and then her ex turns around and says he wanted those dates?
Surely it’s tough luck as she’s already told him about it first.

It’s annoying that OP only found out yesterday but that’s not his fault and it’s not fair that their DD misses out on a holiday because the dad can’t book one just incase the mum plans to.

It’s just 1 part of the pain that comes with co-parenting.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/01/2023 13:55

Choconut · 08/01/2023 13:43

She hasn't booked though.

Show quote history

The point is that the OP couldn't book until she found out the dates that her relative would be working in AUGUST 2023 which they found out in JANUARY 2023. In the meantime her Ex has just gone ahead and booked somewhere (the OP knows this but I'm not 100% sure if the Ex knows that the OP knows this) having agreed last year that they would check somewhere before actually making a booking.

As the Ex has gone ahead and just booked somewhere for the past number of years, I would be on your side OP and just book somewhere for you and your DD, and present it as a done deal to your Ex.

After all, what's good for the goose and so on. If your Ex complains, then say, "Oh I thought I'd try and do what you've done over the past few summer breaks. I was only following your lead on this type of arrangement. I can't change or cancel my break as it is the only time that X gets off work and we've only found out those dates. Can't you cancel or reschedule this time?" said sweet as pie.

PugInTheHouse · 08/01/2023 13:59

LookItsMeAgain · 08/01/2023 13:55

The point is that the OP couldn't book until she found out the dates that her relative would be working in AUGUST 2023 which they found out in JANUARY 2023. In the meantime her Ex has just gone ahead and booked somewhere (the OP knows this but I'm not 100% sure if the Ex knows that the OP knows this) having agreed last year that they would check somewhere before actually making a booking.

As the Ex has gone ahead and just booked somewhere for the past number of years, I would be on your side OP and just book somewhere for you and your DD, and present it as a done deal to your Ex.

After all, what's good for the goose and so on. If your Ex complains, then say, "Oh I thought I'd try and do what you've done over the past few summer breaks. I was only following your lead on this type of arrangement. I can't change or cancel my break as it is the only time that X gets off work and we've only found out those dates. Can't you cancel or reschedule this time?" said sweet as pie.

Show quote history

Surely the OP should have communicated her potential plans also, just because he's being a twat and ignoring the request doesn't mean it's right for the OP. He's obv an idiot but the while situation could have been avoided.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 13:59

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 13:12

But she IS just as bad. Yes she's only just got the dates so couldn't say in advance which week she wanted however Dad could so he's picked his dates. Whats the alternative? Are you suggesting that Dad (and step mum) can't book anything in advance until OP has decided what dates she wants?

How is she just as bad when he hasn't done a school run in 10 years?

She's a parent and he isn't.

PugInTheHouse · 08/01/2023 14:01

CuntyChopss · 08/01/2023 13:48

On MN? Never 😂

Same as those saying “just talk to him, have a conversation with him”. The OP makes it screamingly obvious this man is a giant douche why would he cave on this when year on yearop asks him not to be a nob with the dates and he always is a nob with the dates.

Show quote history

But if OP had just said, I am booking a holiday in the summer, we are waiting for dates so DD won't be able to go with you if you book before dates are checked with us then she could turn round and say no DD is not going with you on those dates.

He is a massive arsehole, no one is disputing that surely!!

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 14:02

Myyearmytime · 08/01/2023 13:07

I just message him and say my hoilday date for your information are . Don't mention that you know his . And just wait ...

Wait for what?

Their 14 year old DD to get dragged into an argument because he knows she told her mum already?

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 14:02

LookItsMeAgain · 08/01/2023 13:55

The point is that the OP couldn't book until she found out the dates that her relative would be working in AUGUST 2023 which they found out in JANUARY 2023. In the meantime her Ex has just gone ahead and booked somewhere (the OP knows this but I'm not 100% sure if the Ex knows that the OP knows this) having agreed last year that they would check somewhere before actually making a booking.

As the Ex has gone ahead and just booked somewhere for the past number of years, I would be on your side OP and just book somewhere for you and your DD, and present it as a done deal to your Ex.

After all, what's good for the goose and so on. If your Ex complains, then say, "Oh I thought I'd try and do what you've done over the past few summer breaks. I was only following your lead on this type of arrangement. I can't change or cancel my break as it is the only time that X gets off work and we've only found out those dates. Can't you cancel or reschedule this time?" said sweet as pie.

Show quote history

That’s nice to make the OP feel more like a winner or whatever but it gives absolutely no thought to the 14 year old here. It’s just point scoring that will result in further bad feeling. If they were taking a 3 year old
on holiday then fine, but the 14 year old already knows her dad has booked a holiday, and that her mum is hoping to book a holiday, and will work out the bitching that is going on here and see the fact that neither of them care what SHE wants to do. Happy holidays hey!

girlmom21 · 08/01/2023 14:06

There's no point OP also booking now because it's still going to force the 14 year old to choose which isn't fair.

diddl · 08/01/2023 14:06

How long are the holidays & where-can your daughter do half & half?

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 14:08

I was referring to the holiday arrangements only. He didn't tell her what week he had booked, she didn't tell him what week she wanted but expected him to hang on for her to get first choice.
The rest I'm not commenting on.

FromTheFront2theBack · 08/01/2023 14:09

LisaD1 · 08/01/2023 11:59

Just tell him it’s already booked. He won’t learn all the time you work around him.

I would do this. You haven't been petty in the past when it didn't cause an issue but now his lack of consideration has blown up in his face.

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 14:20

You didn't check with him. So dont expect him to check with you 🤷‍♀️

ScribblingPixie · 08/01/2023 14:21

As she's 14 I'd have a no-pressure chat with her & see which she fancies doing & take it from there. Don't make it sound like a choice between you and your ex though.

Newmum0322 · 08/01/2023 14:22

PatriciaHolm · 08/01/2023 12:00

Which holiday would your daughter rather go on?

I think this is a fair question. Neither of you checked dates with the other, the fact it’s not booked is irrelevant I assume as it will be based on work/availability of others.

I think you both should have tried communicated before agreeing/booking. Since this didn’t happen you should give your daughter the choice. Shes old enough

Adviceneeded200 · 08/01/2023 14:25

Maybe it's hard for him.to.agree holiday at work?

I don't know anyone that finds arranging August time.off easy. Certainly.my husband had to fight every year for a week in the holidays and often had to agree to whatever he was given.

I'd view it less that he's again and more that's how it is, and what does your DD want to do if no one can change. She's not picking between you and him. More majorca versus centre parcs - whatever the two options are.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 14:25

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 14:20

You didn't check with him. So dont expect him to check with you 🤷‍♀️

  1. she hasn’t booked yet
  2. she got her dates yesterday and is now deciding what to do about the clash so hasn’t quite reached the ‘telling him’ stage yet.
Blossomtoes · 08/01/2023 14:26

Obbydoo · 08/01/2023 13:50

I was in your daughter's shoes many years ago. I.e divorced parents. Whilst I have an OK relationship with my mum, I'm nearly 50 now and it still annoys me that she interfered with and tried to dictate the relationship I had with my father right up to me being 16. Your daughter is old enough to make a decision and should be allowed to do so.

This. My stepkids’ mother had real form for this and regularly put them in impossible positions. She’s quite lonely these days now they’re grown up …

It’s her holiday, she should choose.

Jumbojade · 08/01/2023 14:28

pocketvenuss · 08/01/2023 12:15

Why are people not reading and understanding. The OP has not booked yet as they were waiting for the dates from their travel companions. She got those dates YESTERDAY. She can not simply choose other dates. She was going to check with the ex. He just went and booked without checking. Would people stop saying the OP is just as bad for not checking with ex. I despair. The older I get the more I can nit handle the idiocy of people commenting on here.

Agree with this. Why should the OP be penalised, because she couldn’t book her summer holidays earlier than the first week in January? Not all jobs allow for booking Annual Leave as early as this.

Should OP just let her ex get in first every year, before she has a chance to find suitable dates? He just books whatever dates he chooses each year, despite promising to check with her first, but never does!! Note, the OP said he could have booked any week in August. Had he done as he had promised, and checked with her, this wouldn’t have arisen!

If I was the OP, I would say “Sorry that’s the week I have booked to go away. You promised not to book holiday, before checking dates were okay with me this year, which you haven’t done. Your dates mean she can’t go with you, as she will be away with me.”

Newmum0322 · 08/01/2023 14:31

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 12:34

Maybe I'm just slightly bitter as he has DD 4 nights a month, contributes the bare minimum financially, has never done a single school run in 10 years etc etc... I guess that's not helping the way I'm looking at things!

If he had come to me last month and actually checked dates with me first I'd have told him I was waiting for my family members shifts etc.

It's interesting to hear everyone's opinions though!

Sorry, posted before I read this. If he only sees her 4 days a month and makes minimal effort then I’m not sure I’d be so amenable.

if you have flexibility in your dates then it would be nice for DD to have two holidays, but if it’s one or the other i think id be telling him ‘no thanks’! It’s not fair to be expected to do all the graft and give him the fun summer holiday.