To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

Sounds horrendous. Been with my dh for more than quarter of a century. If anything happens to him I’ll be alone - and concentrate on cultivating a life full of friendships.. Not remotely interested in starting again now. Couldn’t imagine the hassle of having to start a relationship from scratch. It wouldn’t come close to decades of understanding someone & having a shared adult life.

and my kids may be grown up but I think they still rather like us being together.

I agree that a lot of people stay with partners when they’re not happy, but this doesn’t mean that some people aren’t happy together forever, just because you’ve not experienced that.

Just get on with what works for you. No need to analyse.

My parents met in high school, they’re now in their late 60s and still very much in love and absolutely compliment eachother. They’re like two halves that just belong together. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years, since I was 17. I’m sorry you haven’t found your lobster yet, but that’s you not everyone else.

I can’t help but laugh at Op’s response to me saying that as far as most relationships go this should be the case. One mumsnetter, 8 billion people in the world and she knows, how it’s going for all of us and what best suits us all.

If you’re suggesting there should be less stigma attached to relationships running their course and people having having the possibility of more than one great live in their life normalised then yes, great. I think society is already moving in that direction though and lots and lots of people here are on second or third relationships with individuals who are necessarily the parents of their kids. I think we’re already normalising this thanks. Certainly if the Disney culture of one great love and happily ever after should be scrapped as a fairytale. Most adults know it’s crap though right.

The point is to pick an arbitrary figure like ten years and making a sweeping statement makes you look naive, silly and childish. I’ve been in a relationship for sixteen years, we’re getting better and better thanks. Obviously your comments are going to irritate people. It sounds more and more as if you’ve been hurt and feel unloveable and/or your terrified of commitment.

In some ways it would be fun. I’ve just started a new relationship in my mid 40’s (after being single over a decade) and well it’s amazing. The sex is unreal, I know that’s likely to fade, I mean we wouldn’t keep this up long term! Not sure how long the honeymoon phase lasts for, but after a couple of years generally life settles down into a pattern and maybe sex once a week if you’re lucky. I can’t imagine going into a relationship once you’ve established you do want to be with this person, thinking it’s for 10yrs max. I mean great if you’re not happy at 10yrs, but if you are? Then you stay. Starting again is financially expensive and disruptive, so you wouldn’t do it unless you really had to

Having known multiple couples happily married after 50+ years, no.

I'm 11 years into my relationship and as happy as ever. I don't actually think I have changed that much in that time without, not has my DH. Both of us perhaps more mellow but that's a good thing!

I would say though that I think it needs to be more socially okay to break up if you have drifted apart.

Yes but I guess I'm saying we shouldn't go looking for 'forever relationships' in the first place. That we shouldn't set out with the idea if finding someone to settle down with perminantly. Or this idea of 'the one'. Because that makes it harder to leave things when they stop working.

Oh I totally agree with that! The whole 'the one' fairytale bollocks that's sold to women in particular, from when they are tiny girls, is extremely unhelpful (to put it mildly). And yes, the idea that finding a forever relationship is the main thing that defines and completes you and makes your life a success is also bollocks and damaging. And yes it makes people cling onto relationships they absolutely should be running a mile from.

But that doesn't mean that a partner for life isn't still what a lot of people genuinely want, and for perfectly understandable reasons, especially (but not only) if they want children. So if they find a wonderful and compatible partner, I can't imagine why they wouldn't be looking to stay with them permanently. Does it take a degree of compromise? Sure. But so do many of the things worth having in life.

Some people may be happy with lots of relationships throughout their life but I personally could not think of anything worse.

Me and DH have been married 42 years and are still very happy and very in love. We got married after only 5 months together as we knew we were right for each other and felt we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We still feel that way.

The 42 years has flown by. We both hope we get at least another 20 together. We love spending time together and still have lots of fun.

No way could I be bothered keep meeting new men, finding out about them etc. I love that me and DH have all those years of shared history, we both know literally everything there is to know about the other. We are comfortable with each other without being in a rut.

My parents were married 67 years when they died and were also very very happy. Both my siblings have been married 40 years and are very happy.

Unpopular opinion but I'm not convinced those who say it's so great to discard relationships, or they'd be bored are being honest. Sounds like a defence mechanism: things haven't worked out for you, so you pretend you're perfectly happy with this.

•What's the point in working on a relationship if there's an expiry date?

•The logistics of starting from scratch. Financially, practically.

•The mental toll. It knocks your self esteem that you can't maintain a relationship and just had a series of different ones.

•If you want children- this ain't gonna work.

•What if you end your last relationship and don't find anyone? That was pointless. Probably better to work at the one you had than gamble it all for a cheap thrill (only to end the same in another ten years!)

•Getting older and not being a spring chicken. Dating might not be as fun as you remember.

So there don't seem to be many (any) benefits. Not convinced anyone can actually want to do this. What are the positives meant to be of leaving a normal, functional relationship over and over again?

And some people find plenty of depth in relationships of 3, 4, 5 years... depends on the people and the connection.

In general I am sympathetic to the OP but I take issue with this statement. My DH & I have been together over 30 years so have experienced first house, job changes, job loss, relocation, illness, trauma, bereavement, child birth, child rearing, empty nest, old friends, new friends, lost friends. Basically life in all its richness. You can't get that in a few years - a lifelong relationship will always be of a different depth to a series of shorter term relationships. I am not saying one is right and one is wrong, but they are obviously different. You take your choice in this life or choices are made for you but you don't get to experience both.

1. For all anyone knows, their relationship has an expiry date. People don't live forever and they don't necessarily want to stay with you even if you want to stay with them. Does that make it pointless to put effort into a relationship? I don't think so.

1. I keep my own home and my own finances so it's very easy to split in terms of practicalities. I don't want to live with a partner so it's no bother.

1. It doesn't knock my self esteem at all. Not every relationship works out. That's not a reflection on anyone's character and I think it's dangerous to judge your worth on your relationship status.

1. Plenty of people have children and then break up. You only need a few minutes with someone to get pregnant so it certainly is going to work.

1. You're assuming that staying in a relationship where you're flogging a dead horse is better than being single. I wonder where this intense fear of being alone comes from?

1. Of course you don't need to be youthful to have a happy new relationship. And again, what would be so wrong with not having a man?

And finally no, it's not a defence mechanism any more than spending your life clinging onto another human being is a defence mechanism. Nobody needs a partner in order that their life has value. That's just kind of sad.

People do change over time but sometimes they grow together rather than apart. Been with DH nearly 15 years now, I have no intention of splitting up with him. Sure we frustrate each other sometimes but we still love and care for each other a lot and are happy together.

Can’t speak for the OP but that wouldn’t be true in my case. I have found deep love with several people. I never had one person as an ideal - that always made me feel restless and limited.

From the experience of friends who married for life - nearly half are divorced or getting divorced…

At a guess I would say you’re probably no older than early to mid 30s - when people are still idealistic. If we have the same conversation when your mid 50s you’ll have a different perspective.

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This is actually quite sad. I assume the op has come from a broken home, her siblings and herself must all be divorcees or no longer with their baby daddies. Some people flit from one relationship to another and they’ve never seen a couple who have stuck together and genuinely love and care for each other through thick and thin. Throw away society.

I think maybe you might have phrased it wrong. It's not that relationships shouldn't last forever, because most of us go into a relationship thinking it could well be forever.

However, there is an argument that we should, as a society, accept that relationships end sometimes for lots of reasons, and that is ok. If we stop seeing the end of a relationship as a failure, then it will stop a lot of people staying in one long after the love has gone and the resentment and bitterness has set in.

I stayed in my abusive marriage for a good 2 years too long because I thought leaving him would be a failure. A good friend of mine stayed in his marriage several years too long because he stayed for the children. The damage done to the children from a clean break when he'd had enough would probably have been less than the d,age actually done to them growing up in the war zone that the last five years were for them.

Other friends of mine, however, also stayed together for the kids but still saw each other as their best friend. They have both had lots of discreet affairs, but they are still married and both happy with the situation.

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

I wouldn't expect people to stay together if they become contemptuous of one another and no longer enjoy being tighter.
However, this doesn't always happen and many people remain together very happily. Yes, most relationships have periods of time where there are challenges or disagreements, and some periods of time can be more stressful (parenting especially in early years, work stresses, periods of I'll health, etc) however, much of these times are temporary (or at least the most stressful parts are) and can be worth working through if the underlying relationship is good.

I've been with my dh for almost 33 years, married for 24.5 year, and we are still happy in our relationship. We meet as older teens and are now nearing our 50s.

Yes we have both changed and grown over the years, but we have both done so together. Of course we've had some more stressful periods of time and some challenges, fortunately nothing major to date, along the way but we have approached them together and come through them as a partnership.

Some people may be happy with changing their relationships every 10 years. Others are happy to stay with their partner much longer, and don't see working through temporary challenges as a barrier.

I'm sorry if I come across holier than thou

I don't think you do sound holier than thou.
I think you sound disillusioned with relationships and haven't found one you loved enough to want to stay with when challenges appeared.
And that's fair enough - no one should remain in a relationship they no longer want to be in.

But just because you haven't found that and are happy to swap and change every few years, it doesn't mean it's rare for other people to be a]happily together long term. You seem to think that lots of people stay together for convenience and that it's rare for them to be really happy and want to be together. In my experience, that isn't the case, most of my family and friends are in long term relationships and, despite short periods of time where they've faced issues, actually want to still be together as they love one another deeply.

Agree with you OP.

And I say that as someone who is very happily married to a man that I have been with for over 15 years. I love my husband very much, he's a wonderful man, but if I was unhappy in our relationship then I would end it. And I don't mean minor bumps in the road, of course we've had problems and worked through them. And we have dc's and financial ties so I wouldn't leave over trivial problems. But if I was genuinely unhappy for a prolonged period of time then I would put an end to things.

I can honestly say I have no fear of being single. And if I found someone else who I liked enough to start a relationship with then I'm sure that would be fun. I wouldn't enter into a relationship with the expectation of being together forever though, just as long as I was happy.

With regards to friends and family, I do tend to cut ties with people if they piss me off one too many times. I don't find this difficult to do or feel particularly guilty about it.

Ultimately, for me, life is too short to have people in your life that make you unhappy. If people don't have a positive impact in my life then I have no qualms about cutting them out of it, pass me the scissors 🤣

Of course people work through temporary challenges in any relationship. But you've only got to read through the relationships board to see just how horrendous some relationships can get, while people desperately try to cling on because they're so convinced that nothing could be worse than not being with their 'lobster'.

Oh god having to date every 10 years is my idea of absolute hell. I loathe the first year of a relationship when you're constantly testing the ground.
If DH died (or left me) I'd go on dates for company and a bit of sex but I'd never ever get into another proper relationship.

The most loved up couple I know don't live together and only see one another of a weekend!

I couldn't be arsed going from relationship to relationship. Happy as we are thanks.

I totally agree

There's definitely an expiry date. Was with my ex for 8 years got bored fell out of love. Been with h for 10 long and boring years and am leaving him this year. I plan to be alone well live at peace with my children. No arguments, verbal abuse, snoring, alcoholism, miserable life. this spring I will be single and happy!

I have a friend who changed partners evert couple of years at least and to some extent used her relationships with men to get where she wanted to go in life. She'd get bored once she'd exhausted his resources and move on. This worked well for her until she hit her late 30s when suddenly the men she was interested in lost interest in her.

It was her choice, she's successful, plenty of money but a lifetime of using people has left her lonely. Not saying that is what OP is doing but some of what she is saying sounds familiar getting bored, letting things run it's course, having fun and that everyone else is bored or unhappy. No many of us were building deep and lasting relationships.