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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

323 replies

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2023 19:27

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2023 00:13

Tbf though I dont think I'd even be willing to get a dog 'with' someone. Let alone have kids. Far too tying.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 00:14

We don’t all need permanent relationships

Absolutely 🙂

Committing to one partner but bracing yourself that it’ll all fall apart in ten years won’t protect you from the fall out nor does it mean that it will happen?

WaffleHouseWendy · 08/01/2023 00:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ZenNudist · 08/01/2023 00:17

So how would this work? After 7 years you enter a review process with a view to managing a transition to singleton or picking up with someone new. Invariably one party will be more upset than the other but tough eh?

PenanceAdair · 08/01/2023 00:22

I sort of agree, OP, but I don't think it should be a one-size-fits-all either way. I think if people are still happy with each other, there's no need to end a good relationship/marriage, even with flaws.

However, people should be ready, willing and able to throw in the towel if they're miserable with someone (and they've tried everything that could help).

Why willingly stay in misery?

So yes if you've outgrown each other or both changed in a way that you're no longer compatible no matter what you do, then the wise thing to do is to say goodbye amicably and try and work out a mutually-beneficial deal of some sort/co-parenting, if children are involved.

It saves people from living with resentment towards their spouse/partner. No child deserves to live in an unhappy home just to say their parents were "together".

[This is addressing the OP where a situation of abuse hasn't been raised, just incase someone wants to remind me of people in abusive relationships]

KillingLoneliness · 08/01/2023 00:31

No I don’t agree, myself and my DH started dating at 19/20.
We are coming up to 14 years together and have two children (we had them young) I hope we don’t ever part ways! We are very happy, there’s ups and downs of course but we always feel much closer and stronger as we overcome any issues together.
I don’t view it as needing a someone in my life either, I’m independent enough but I chose to spend my life with someone I love and who brings me joy and laughter, he is my best friend and none of the negatives ever outweigh all of the positives we bring to one another.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/01/2023 00:36

So you'd have to sell your home every 10 years and then buy 2 much properties smaller each time? Living with only half the money?

And you'd start dating again much older and probably with kids. That sounds like Hell.

Obviously that happens after a divorce but it isn't something everyone in long term relationships should aspire to. YABU.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2023 00:39

ZenNudist · 08/01/2023 00:17

So how would this work? After 7 years you enter a review process with a view to managing a transition to singleton or picking up with someone new. Invariably one party will be more upset than the other but tough eh?

No, I would simply continually check in with my own feelings throughout my life and if I started to feel my relationship wasn't working (assuming it was nothing minor that could just be worked on) then I'd call things off. And I'd hope they would do the same for themselves rather than stay with me feeling a sense of disquiet or disinterest.

And what do you mean 'but tough eh?' As if you're just supposed to stay with people because if you don't they'll be sad? YES - tough. When one person is done, its relationship over. Other person doesn't have to agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2023 00:41

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/01/2023 00:36

So you'd have to sell your home every 10 years and then buy 2 much properties smaller each time? Living with only half the money?

And you'd start dating again much older and probably with kids. That sounds like Hell.

Obviously that happens after a divorce but it isn't something everyone in long term relationships should aspire to. YABU.

Or just don't live with them/don't have kids?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 00:49

It’s not ground breaking to acknowledge that if irreparable issues arise in a relationship you would leave.

Its a common occurrence.

Its a bit strange to dress that as up as a world view that “Relationships shouldn’t last”

If it ain’t broken you don’t fix it yes? So you then find yourself in a (rest of your life) long relationship.

anotheruser173 · 08/01/2023 00:52

I don't think there should be a blanket rule of assuming you'll split up within 10 years. However, I do think you have a point about acknowledging that people do grow and change, and it's important that both partners are mindful of that.

If one person changes and the other doesn't, it's generally a recipe for disaster.

The couples I know who have beaten your odds, OP, are the ones who have actively undertaken to grow and change together. If one of you is content to stay static and the other isn't, then yeah, an expiration date is inevitable.

(Of course, not all change is positive. My ex changed into a terrible person, and that's why we broke up.)

It's a funny thing to reflect on. If he hadn't turned into a raging alcoholic, we probably would still be together. And yet, I can't quite imagine what it would be like to be anything other than single now - I've grown into the space he left, and I don't think there's room for another person anymore.

steff13 · 08/01/2023 00:54

I disagree, but certainly this is something every individual must decide.

Floomobal · 08/01/2023 00:56

Totally disagree.

We’ve been together for 14 years, and I genuinely love him more now than when we first fell in love. Aside from all of our shared memories etc, watching him be become a dad etc has changed our love.

SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 01:07

Feelings for a long term partner ebb and flow in my view. I’m not sure it’s viable to be taking your emotional temperature every five minutes based on irks, annoyances or character flaws. It’s too idealised.

Sometimes dh is my best friend, sometimes I can’t stand to be in the same room as him 😂 We regularly disagree on lots of issues and can have frustrating arguments.
On balance I still want to share my life with him. He feels like my “”other half” if that’s not too cheesy for you!

Woodenheart33 · 08/01/2023 01:11

It's always the same on here everyone whose choices who don't reflect or affirm your own must be secretly miserable, afraid, emotionally stunted, unfulfilled etc.

Whatever happened to different strokes for different folks? Any possible path or choice you make in life can be rich and rewarding in its own way. There are no doubt cloistered Nun's with richer lives than some globe trotting billionaire.

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2023 01:11

SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 00:49

It’s not ground breaking to acknowledge that if irreparable issues arise in a relationship you would leave.

Its a common occurrence.

Its a bit strange to dress that as up as a world view that “Relationships shouldn’t last”

If it ain’t broken you don’t fix it yes? So you then find yourself in a (rest of your life) long relationship.

Yes but I guess I'm saying we shouldn't go looking for 'forever relationships' in the first place. That we shouldn't set out with the idea if finding someone to settle down with perminantly. Or this idea of 'the one'. Because that makes it harder to leave things when they stop working.

OP posts:
newyorkatchristmas · 08/01/2023 01:12

I can’t imagine loving anyone like my DH, but we’ve been through a lot together and he’s been there through it all: infertility, miscarriage, IVF, job loss, house loss etc. We’ve always supported each other through life’s hardest parts. I can’t imagine starting again with someone that I don’t share any of that deep love or care for…

When I was younger and moving from relationship to relationship I felt incredibly lonely and isolated. There was no depth to any of it. I’d rather be alone then ever go back to that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/01/2023 01:15

You clearly haven’t met the one yet.

We felt it instantly 35 years ago, still feel it now.

FixItUpChappie · 08/01/2023 01:24

Your like Robert Redford from Out of Africa OP. I thought Karen Blixen was right about him though. You should check it out Brew

Original poster
Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2023 01:25

newyorkatchristmas · 08/01/2023 01:12

I can’t imagine loving anyone like my DH, but we’ve been through a lot together and he’s been there through it all: infertility, miscarriage, IVF, job loss, house loss etc. We’ve always supported each other through life’s hardest parts. I can’t imagine starting again with someone that I don’t share any of that deep love or care for…

When I was younger and moving from relationship to relationship I felt incredibly lonely and isolated. There was no depth to any of it. I’d rather be alone then ever go back to that.

But being single is an option.

And some people may prefer short term flings.

And some people find plenty of depth in relationships of 3, 4, 5 years... depends on the people and the connection.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 01:54

it makes it harder to leave when things stop working

Does it though? It’s still difficult to unpick all the ties you have, it still hurts like Hell.

Unless you’ve spent the relationship being emotionally guarded and not developing any depth of feeling.

harrassedmumto3 · 08/01/2023 02:00

Yes, I'd be bored after 10 years I think.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/01/2023 02:32

SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 01:54

it makes it harder to leave when things stop working

Does it though? It’s still difficult to unpick all the ties you have, it still hurts like Hell.

Unless you’ve spent the relationship being emotionally guarded and not developing any depth of feeling.

No, you don't need to be guarded. I'm very grateful to have been deeply in love with the people I have. I still treasure them enormously. We were very happy together at the time.

That's the whole point, isn't it? I don't consider those failed relationships because we didn't stay together long enough to share a pension.

I'm currently very happy to be single. That's always an option, rather than making your whole life about a man.

SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 02:37

Id be bored after ten years

Bored of what though? Your life? It’s possible to make big life changes with a partner? No reason not to have independence and a life away from your partner whilst still being together.

Or bored of sex with the same person? Would your feelings turn off if you felt bored?

SmileyClare · 08/01/2023 02:46

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/01/2023 02:32

No, you don't need to be guarded. I'm very grateful to have been deeply in love with the people I have. I still treasure them enormously. We were very happy together at the time.

That's the whole point, isn't it? I don't consider those failed relationships because we didn't stay together long enough to share a pension.

I'm currently very happy to be single. That's always an option, rather than making your whole life about a man.

Show quote history

I agree with what you’re saying. It’s rare for a person to spend their life in the first romantic relationship they have.

Did you spend those relationships expecting them to end though? Does the fact they ended mean all relationships shouldn’t or can’t last happily ten or more years?