To think relationships shouldn't last forever...

[Pinkbonbon]

I mean, I'm not saying there isn't the odd relationship where people have been together 40 years and really compliment one another and work well together...

But generally speaking, I wouldn't expect to stay with anyone longer than...a decade. I mean, even if its a very healthy relationship, two people change a lot in 10 years. Incompatibilities would likely start to show. Irks arrive. Possibly even contempts set in. Surely emotionally healthy people don't stay in relationships once they get to that point?

Obviously people often have kids of course, which ties them together longer (imo, often longer than it should have).

Anyway...my point is that when I date, I look for a man that I can spend a good few years with, have fun and be good company for eachother and then when it runs its course, go our separate ways.

I really don't understand the mindset many people have of dating to 'settle down' or to 'find their forever person'. Because realistically, relationships usually aren't forever. And many of those that are, shouldnt be. I don't need a partner to complete my life. They're just..added spice.

Aibu?

I'm just sat with my father who lost my Mum suddenly last year after 56 years of marriage. No one could see his grief and think what they had was a relationship that had at some earlier point run its course.

Add into that, he is now 81 and has me, my brother and our families as a support network at a time he needs a helping hand. Even my in laws live close to him and pop around occasionally. He would have none of that if he'd been in many regular disposable relationships.

People are made differently, and for some the OP may be right. But the thread title is very unreasonable.

My parents are still together at 85, but my mum was done by 70 I’d say. They’re very different. My mum regrets spending so much of her life cooking his meals and organising jollifications. One of her best friend’s DH died this year and the friend, while sad, seems mainly relieved and happy to be getting on with her life. Another of her best friends married for life at 30, but her DH dumped her when they hit 65.

Nope. None of thise things.

Parents have been married a good 40 years infact. They get on, they work well together I suppose. Butive often thought mum would probably have been happier single. And dad is with her because he needs someone. Thats just not a life I would choose for myself. I don't need company for the sake of it. If I did I'd get a pet.

I also don't have siblings. Nor am I a divorcese. Nor do I have children. Nor do I flit from one relationship to another.

I just don't believe we should go out searching for a forever person. I find it weird some people are so offended by that.

Infact maybe i should assume YOU. Seen as such rudeness is acceptable in your opinion. @whatthefactuall
Maybe...You've been married 30 years, so were your parents. They fought a lot but stayed together 'just for the kids'. You arent particularly happy in your marriage but just get on with it. Telling yourself the lie about being 'better together' just like your parents did because you're scared of being single. One day you see this post and it terrifies you so much that you feel the need to be snotty af. Because how dare someone have a viewpoint that makes you consider for a second that your long term relationship probably should have ended 29 years ago.

Or perhaps, you are single, and hate it because you never learned to live comfortably with yourself. So, are beating yourself up for every failed relationship. Wondering when your knight and shining armour will ride in on a unicorn. Hell, nothing wrong with romantic daydreams I suppose...untill they start to govern your whole life. And now someone mentions that there might not be a forever. Shock.gasp.the horror!

Of course I'm going to assume it's neither of those things, benefit of the doubt and and all that. Maybe you just like to be a jerk to people online. Actually this was was fun, maybe I enjoy it too.

I agree with you OP. I don't think people are designed to remain yoked together for multiple decades.

I always find it incredibly depressing when people celebrate a golden or diamond wedding anniversary and everyone congratulates the couple for remaining together "all these years".

I know a lot of people think its lovely, I actually think it sounds utterly grim. Limiting, restricting and depressing. When you see people who have been married for 30+ years they always seem to be just on the brink of snapping at one another all the time and there's a tangible sense of how much they have given up by plodding along with someone whom they increasingly experience as a millstone around their neck.

My parents were married for 40+ years and they were "happy" as far as that goes and my dad was devastated when my mum died but he was also visibly freer after her death. Hate to say it but his life was infinitely richer and with far more variety after she had gone.

Spouses hold one another back in so many ways, intellectually, spiritually, financially, sexually. It becomes a dependence based around pointless rituals and fear I constantly think how much freer and happier and whole people would be without their spouses.

I think the natural lifespan of a romantic relationship rarely lasts more than about 10 years. I think with children in the mix there's probably some rationale, if things are civil and the marriage functions well, for sticking it out for another decade to see them off and away but a 40-year marriage would make me suicidal.

I think the ones that do go a long distance are the ones who actually see their partner as a friend and a lover. I love my husband, and he is also my best friend. He can make me laugh so much, and we've been married 30 years. It's not always perfect, but whose life is? I agree don't necessarily go out there looking for the one! Just enjoy meeting people and if maybe you do meet someone who you just love their company so much and are crazy about them, then so be it. I bet somebody will end up sweeping you off your feet OP.

If a series of relationships works for you, good on you.

That doesn’t make your way better or more healthy that those of us who met our partners young, grew up in the same directions, nurtured our relationship and remain happy together after 20, 30, 40 years.

DH is still the person whose company I enjoy most. I still fancy him. We laugh, and we face difficult stuff together.

I love how the OP makes a sweeping statement saying everyone should leave their relationships at 10 years then later on says we’re all different. Honestly one of the most ridiculous posts I’ve ever seen. You know everyone is different and your anecdotal experience counts for very little. As for the people shouting ‘science’ says it’s true - science is very much about interpretation and confirmation bias, something the OP should definitely google.

The thing that is depressing is your post.

Couples remaining "yoked" together! What a strange expression.

I find it sad that you think it is grim when couples have been together a long time.

You have obviously met miserable couples if you think they always seem to be on the brink of snapping at each other and that they are plodding along with someone who is a millstone round their neck.

There are many couples that have been married 30+ years and are still happy.

Me and DH have been married 42 years and would definitely not have been happier without each other.

We are best friends as well as husband and wife and lovers. We both would rather spend time with the other than anyone else.

My DH does not bore me. I find him interesting and he makes me laugh often. The 42 years have, as I said before, honestly flown by. I don't feel that we have been together anywhere near long enough and hope we have many many more years together.

@mydogisthebest

We’ll just have to agree to disagree on this. The very long term marriages I have observed weren’t unhappy (certainly by the standards of some long term marriages). I just think the dependence on one other person for that length of time is so limiting to a person.

There are obviously perks: financial security, emotional support, sex etc. But the trade off is a massive reduction in the independence and autonomy of the individual. Constantly having to shape your life and decision making around someone else is restricting in so many ways.

This is anecdotal obviously but I have been around more of this recently. I recently spent a weekend with the elderly parents of an old school friend who had been married 60 odd years and they were simultaneously incredibly irritated and snappy with each other and at the same time totally dependent on each other: neither of them could make the most trivial decision without “seeing what your father thinks”. Then when the other spouse walked back in the room they went back to arguing and berating one another. It was excruciating to be around. My own parents were a bit like that too. Constantly bickering but incapable of doing anything without one another.

Utterly grim. The single older people I know seem healthier, more robust, more intellectually capable and resilient and have far richer and more interesting lives.

Why are you projecting your own feelings onto others or using a few situations you've observed and applying it to every relationship. It's no better than a married woman looking at you with pity and thinking how miserable and sad your lonely little life must be or what must be wrong with you that you can't keep a man's interest.

It's exactly the same thing.

Pretty sure there was something about women being happiest in general when they are single and child free. And men being happiest in relationships. I dunno anything about the study or where it was conducted but I've heard it mentioned a few times here and on TV. I suppose it makes sense though.

Also as to the commenter saying I said different strokes for different folks and that somehow means I'm going back on myself. Literally the first paragraph of my very first post SAYS I acknowledge it works longterm for some people. But I belive they are the exception, not the rule.

@Woodenheart33

Why are you projecting your own feelings onto others or using a few situations you've observed and applying it to every relationship. It's no better than a married woman looking at you with pity and thinking how miserable and sad your lonely little life must be or what must be wrong with you that you can't keep a man's interest.

I'm in a long-term relationship so I don't know where you're getting this "lonely little life" or "can't keep a man's interest" from.

Who's projecting now?

If anyone seen Daniel sloss 'jigsaw' sketch I think he puts it quite well there too.

@Pinkbonbon

Pretty sure there was something about women being happiest in general when they are single and child free. And men being happiest in relationships.

There has been a fair amount of research to back this up. Men definitely get far more from LTRs than women do.

That makes your post even more bizarre. When will you be leaving your relationship? Aren't you stifled?

@poopykins

When will you be leaving your relationship? Aren't you stifled?

I am a bit, yes. TBH I always feel stifled and claustrophobic in relationships. Every single one.

My partner is a lovely, caring man and he adores me and it works now but I doubt we'll be together when I'm 65. The last thing I'll need as an older woman is to mother some grown-assed man.

Interesting. When I was single in my late 40s I could have had my pick from plenty of men my age. 53 now and no longer single, but men my age still try their luck. Perhaps they're the ones who've realised the young women won't have them!

I think this sounds good if people ever had DC's.

But they complicate things

Hear hear. When I'm 65, I hope to be spending time with my friends, not looking after a grumpy old man.

There's a bit of Daniel sloss.

I couldn't find part 1 but basically ge was talking about how we all make our own, invividual jigsaws (as in, life paths)

https://youtube.com/shorts/AzLV3mPDNgc?feature=share

Sorry it doesn't seem to be a clicky link. Maybe with it being a YouTube short.

Ah, YouTube, 'Daniel sloss on relationships' and scroll down to the shorts. There's a part 1, 2 and 3.
If interested of course.

My parents were married 67 years and never irritated and snappy with each other. They were incredibly in love and happy.

Of course some couples snap or even argue, and not just ones that have been married a long time. DH's parents used to argue all the time and his mum would literally scream at his dad. I hated visiting them because their arguing made me feel sick.

Me and DH do argue sometimes but we certainly do not bicker or snap at each other. Even when we do have an argument it never lasts long and almost always it ends because we look at each other and start laughing.

The only older single people I know really are neighbours and, to me, the majority don't seem particularly happy nor do they lead interesting lives.

Why on earth are posters talking about having to look after/mother a grumpy old man?

I am 68 and my DH is 65 and neither of us has to look after the other. We both enjoy cooking and although I do the majority of the housework as I don't work and DH does, he certainly does his fair share.

If one of us did have to look after the other due to illhealth then we would. That, to us, is part and parcel of loving each other