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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

156 replies

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 17:25

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5.
DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both.
I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week)
So anyone out there have any good advice
Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

OP posts:
user1492809438 · 07/01/2023 17:29

What a coward your DH is. Why can't he have the conversation with her? i agree it is far too much.

Hoardasurass · 07/01/2023 17:30

Your dd is being massively unreasonable by basically moving him into your home(yes I know that he doesn't sleep there but he might aswell) and needs to see him elsewhere. Does your dd pay rent?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 17:32

Why is he moaning about it to you and you've to deal with it?

NancyJoan · 07/01/2023 17:34

Why aren’t either of them at work/college?

Iam4eels · 07/01/2023 17:35

This is one of those issues where the more you dig in, the more she will dig in and then it just ends up as a serious bone of contention between you. Ultimately its her home too and this only needs to become a battle if you make it a battle. Could you set some simple boundaries that don't dictate? For example, she can have him there/in her room but you're not feeding him/he needs to provide his own food.

Iam4eels · 07/01/2023 17:36

Also agree that your DH needs to stop making you the bad guy and use his words if he has an issue.

rainbowandglitter · 07/01/2023 17:37

Do they not work/ go to uni etc?
I wouldn't want someone in my house all that time.

YourWinter · 07/01/2023 17:41

NancyJoan · 07/01/2023 17:34

Why aren’t either of them at work/college?

this

Why are they both in your daughter’s bedroom all day? Are they bingeing on Netflix? Are they researching and producing college work? Are they just taking the piss?

They’re both adults and should be paying their way, from wages, grants or any benefit they’re able to claim.

Ultimatum time, and it’s not just up to you to deal with it. What lessons are those overgrown kids learning from your acceptance of the unacceptable?

watchfulwishes · 07/01/2023 17:42

Yes that is too much. They must go out to college or work?
You and your DH should speak to her together and set the limit of x number of days.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 17:42

They both at college but looking for work but whether at college or not he’s still here

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2023 17:44

Good grief, this is your house, just tell her him being over all the bloody time is too much and it stops now.

takealettermsjones · 07/01/2023 17:46

Well... I can see why you're feeling like it's too much, but I can only reply from my own perspective. My ILs took me in at 18, and literally saved my life by doing so. I'd want to know exactly why he doesn't like it at home, because that would influence how I felt about it. Of course, none of that precludes you asking for fair contribution to food costs if he can afford it, college attendance enforced, etc.

Georgeskitchen · 07/01/2023 17:47

They need to move out and get their own place

Leeds2 · 07/01/2023 17:50

Get your husband to tell her that the BF can only come round x days a week, between the hours of y and z, whatever you both think is acceptable. DD does as she is told, or moves out to find her own place with BF.

JudyGemston · 07/01/2023 17:53

There’s a big difference between all day every day and twice a week. I think more like 3-4x/week would be reasonable. If money is an issue you can ask that he contribute to the food bill etc.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/01/2023 17:54

I would tell her two/three days max. The rest of the time they both need to be doing college work or looking for a job.
If they don't like it then they need to 100 percent need to get a job and move out together.

2catsandhappy · 07/01/2023 17:56

Can you start a conversation from 'How is his family? His troubles? ' and move onto 'When might he start spending more time there again? It is starting to get crowded and there is more work him being here so often.'
Bite the bullet sooner rather than later.
Have a few crisp words with dh about his parental duties too.

HoppingAndHoping · 07/01/2023 17:58
  1. Can you comfortably afford the additional expenses? You could ask them to contribute if you can't.
  1. This is (IMO) something you and your DH should probably deal with TOGETHER. He seems to be sending you to "deal with it" whilst looking like the nice guy...
  1. Could you sit down with her and have a calm and supportive conversation about why he doesn't want to be at home?
  1. If your DD seems to be in a healthy relationship with him AND as long as you can comfortably afford it: I don't think you should be too strict in regards to this. Especially if your DD is a well adjusted young adult(grades, social life, job etc).
Valeriekat · 07/01/2023 18:50

People are weird! It is YOUR house and you shouldn't have anyone in it that you don't want there.
Regardless of cost having an extra adult male in the house takes away your feelings of comfort in your own home and inevitably makes more work for you.
Your daughter is being very inconsiderate.
Why should you have to suck it up?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 18:55

It’s not that I/we don’t want him there we do but maybe down to 2 times a week spaced out but I do want everyone to feel comfortable in their homes an house

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/01/2023 18:58

Tell dd champion. Chores can be split 4 ways now..
And mean it. He occupies space he can tidy that space. Whoever is home most be it adult or teen does the most in our house...
They can have evening meal ready. Walk ddog. Shop.. Dishes.. Basically make your place uninviting...

Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 19:02

DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand

Nah, he needs to do that himself.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:12

DD did tell me last night to mention to DH how her bf is having hard time at home & how he doesn’t get on with his parents so she will ask me later when bf leaves but not sure whether to tell her again what he says or do nothing and leave it to my DH to speak to her himself

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 07/01/2023 19:14

So is it a struggle financially to feed and house him as an extra adult?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:19

Well in a way yes it is as I find I’m making extra portions of food. BF is here from late morning so will have breakfast, lunch, dinner plus snacks here however sometimes they do order themselves food which we pay for (neither working both at college) Came in with food shop before and both DD/BF were in kitchen looking at what I bought in & I did have to say to them both to please leave as I needed to put shop away

OP posts: