Page 4 | DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

Safarigiraffe · 2023-01-07T17:25:23+00:00

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5. DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both. I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week) So anyone out there have any good advice Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 22:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 22:38

There is one way round all this, and that's for both of them to buy their own food!

Totally agree I just said to DD either bf comes here 2-3 times a week or you go there and when it comes to food buy your own food when round his house

OP posts:

cadburyegg · 07/01/2023 22:44

When I was 18 I was round my boyfriend's house a lot, not as much as your DD's bf but probably 3-4 times a week. His mum must have had a gentle word with him because the next time I wanted to stay for a long BH weekend he said it was too much to put on his family. Have to say I didn't understand the issue because I was in his room most of the time and we bought our own food but looking back I can see they just wanted their house to themselves a bit more which is absolutely fair enough! Looking back I feel a bit embarrassed about being upset about it but teenagers are naturally self centred and your DD will understand in time. But stand your ground. She is hoping the tantrum will make you change your mind, but you're not being unreasonable - it's not like you're saying he can't come at all, but you want a limit on the time.

00100001 · 07/01/2023 22:46

Ooopsi · 07/01/2023 22:22

My mum and dad did this ! Started to have issue with BF staying every weekend ( we both worked and he would come round at 6 sometimes we would go out other times cook dinner, do something together or separately the following day and back to mine again in the evening ) I used to get so upset that they made a deal of things ! Even though we would be out or just in my room.

Even now i remember none of my friends parents acting like it. When I asked my dad his responses god love him we’re ridiculous like what if I wanted to be naked in my own home? With me following up like but you wouldn’t do this with me living here anyway.

what is the actual real reason it’s to much? I’ve never understood it personally. I think you’ll have some resentment from your daughter so just be warned. Twice a week is ridiculous I would suggest 4 times max !

Oh, so if my lad just moved in with you, you won't mind then?

He's 19.
Please feed him, thanks. Nah, I won't help you pay for that, or for the extra energy use he uses for his showers. Oh and if you could pay for his takeaway delivery, that's great.
Also, he'll be shagging your daughter.

Thanks, bye!!

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 22:47

cadburyegg · 07/01/2023 22:44

When I was 18 I was round my boyfriend's house a lot, not as much as your DD's bf but probably 3-4 times a week. His mum must have had a gentle word with him because the next time I wanted to stay for a long BH weekend he said it was too much to put on his family. Have to say I didn't understand the issue because I was in his room most of the time and we bought our own food but looking back I can see they just wanted their house to themselves a bit more which is absolutely fair enough! Looking back I feel a bit embarrassed about being upset about it but teenagers are naturally self centred and your DD will understand in time. But stand your ground. She is hoping the tantrum will make you change your mind, but you're not being unreasonable - it's not like you're saying he can't come at all, but you want a limit on the time.

What’s upset me is that she’s told bf we don’t want him round cos we are being horrible so now bf said he don’t feel welcome to come round when all we said is 3 times a week max

OP posts:

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 22:49

I guess we didn’t want it to get to the point where he uses the i got parent issues can I stay the night as well & cos of us not putting our foot down it happens

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teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/01/2023 22:49

This happened with me and my then bf when he was 18 and I was 21. His dad got sick of me being there so he said move in and pay me rent. We ended up moving in our own flat. Not sure this helps but it might. We're married now and been together 21 years nearly.

00100001 · 07/01/2023 22:52

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 22:47

What’s upset me is that she’s told bf we don’t want him round cos we are being horrible so now bf said he don’t feel welcome to come round when all we said is 3 times a week max

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She's trying to manipulate you into getting her own way.

Next it will be "omg he's going to leave me now" or "he said he's going to kill himself" or some other dramatic BS

Lennybenny · 07/01/2023 22:56

So bf family won't pay for extra food, won't do shop for dd and bf and they don't want dd round there all the time.

Bf goes to your house all the time because you feed them, you buy extra food, you pay for them to be in her room 7 days a week.

Stick to your plan and don't be dissuaded. Her threat is empty. Bf parents won't feed them...I wouldn't either. They don't contribute anything to either household. She's telling you that bf parents won't support them both...tell her you won't either!

Lennybenny · 07/01/2023 23:00

Ooopsi · 07/01/2023 22:22

My mum and dad did this ! Started to have issue with BF staying every weekend ( we both worked and he would come round at 6 sometimes we would go out other times cook dinner, do something together or separately the following day and back to mine again in the evening ) I used to get so upset that they made a deal of things ! Even though we would be out or just in my room.

Even now i remember none of my friends parents acting like it. When I asked my dad his responses god love him we’re ridiculous like what if I wanted to be naked in my own home? With me following up like but you wouldn’t do this with me living here anyway.

what is the actual real reason it’s to much? I’ve never understood it personally. I think you’ll have some resentment from your daughter so just be warned. Twice a week is ridiculous I would suggest 4 times max !

It's personal space. Having someone else there can make you uncomfortable in your home. That's not fair. My ds is 19, not a chance is someone else being here so often I feel like it's not my home anymore.
The one place we should feel happy and safe is home.

Lennybenny · 07/01/2023 23:05

Quveas · 07/01/2023 19:47

I might have an inkling about why he doesn't get on with his parents. And I foresee that condition possibly landing at yours sometime soon.

Whether they are at college or not.... and if they are always at yours then it's hard to work out what they are studying.... both of them seem to be rather entitled, and you aren't doing them any favours by letting them think life is like this. This may be the family home, but you own it. Your rules apply and you need no explanation or justification for how you want to live in your home.

But I also agree that this message needs to be from both of you, not just you.

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I do too. He's laying the foundation work for staying nights and eventually moving in. Getting her onside to start with, going for the sympathy and just manipulating the situation.

IreneGoodnight · 07/01/2023 23:21

Sorry OP but they sound pretty immature for two people who are grown ups and I daresay expect to be considered as such. You & DH are under no obligation to tolerate their thoughtless behaviour. The BF and his parents should be working to resolve their problems rather than creating them for your household.
Anyway it shouldn't be long before they find work if they are seriously looking. There are loads of jobs going begging in retail & hospitality right now. Establishments are closing or cutting hours due to staff shortages. Plenty of students are working their way through uni these days and not just during the long breaks as in my day.

shard5 · 07/01/2023 23:24

At 19 they must be first year uni students?
They're not working and you're covering all food costs for them which is why he wants to stay at yours all day.
It sounds like his parents are trying to make him more responsible for his own living costs which he has translated as they don't get on.
Stand your ground, either way they're old enough to cover costs of food, takeaways and snacks.

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:25

Its actually my birthday Tom however bf said that he will come but to let us know that he won’t feel welcome here but it’s gonna be awkward between us all & I am not sure how to act also he may decide to not turn up at all DD said

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mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 23:26

Sit the lad down and tell him spending his days in your daughter's bedroom is the an option any more.

Speaking personally, there is no way I would let any teenage BF spend time upstairs in my house, but the issue here is that the BF is an entitled freeloader who thinks he can walk away from personal problems.

Whoever does it, he has to be stopped. He's being massively disrespectful to you and your H. You gave him an inch (mistake) and he took a mile.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 23:27

@Badger1970

Well done.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 23:30

@Safarigiraffe

Pull on your big girl knickers and face this out.

Your daughter's boyfriend is a piss taker amd will walk all over you and all over your child too if you don't show some backbone. You need to be sensible here.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 23:33

He may not come to your birthday celebration because he doesn't feel welcome? It might feel awkward?

It's time to tell this entitled, juvenile, twat that he's now no longer welcome at all in your home.

Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 23:37

He's mugging you off and being rude. And your daughter is being over the top. It's your house. It's your rules. I would be telling him not to come tomorrow now. That's it.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 23:37

Tell him to be a bit more bloody respectful!
Pair of immature wee fuds, the both of them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2023 23:38

Make it clear he’s not invited for your birthday. He’s a cheeky little sod with an overly inflated sense of his own importance. Small wonder his parents aren’t rolling out the red carpet for him. He’s a stroppy kid.

Take no shit off either of them. It’s your birthday ffs, you spend it where and with whom you wish.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2023 23:40

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:25

Its actually my birthday Tom however bf said that he will come but to let us know that he won’t feel welcome here but it’s gonna be awkward between us all & I am not sure how to act also he may decide to not turn up at all DD said

GOOD. You see enough of his freeloading arse anyway. Stop being a mug, op.

sweetdreamtennasee · 07/01/2023 23:52

is it a case of giving an inch and taking a mile?

I had a boyfriend 16-19, I had to tell my parents which days he was coming over and he had to leave by 9.30, rules that my parents outlined from the start.

Appreciate its not super helpful for you as it’s hard to go back on these things. Can you not just say, he can come round 3 times a week and set a curfew? it’s your house at the end of the day.

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:54

sweetdreamtennasee · 07/01/2023 23:52

is it a case of giving an inch and taking a mile?

I had a boyfriend 16-19, I had to tell my parents which days he was coming over and he had to leave by 9.30, rules that my parents outlined from the start.

Appreciate its not super helpful for you as it’s hard to go back on these things. Can you not just say, he can come round 3 times a week and set a curfew? it’s your house at the end of the day.

We did say he can come round 3 days a week however DD/BF not happy with that as bf has issues with parents so they both want to come here

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FaceLikeCattle · 07/01/2023 23:55

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:25

Its actually my birthday Tom however bf said that he will come but to let us know that he won’t feel welcome here but it’s gonna be awkward between us all & I am not sure how to act also he may decide to not turn up at all DD said

He doesn't get to invite himself to your birthday! He certainly doesn't get to tell you that you haven't been accommodating enough and that he may now feel awkward at your birthday (that he wasn't invited to anyway). He isn't the centre of everyone's world.

I think even 2-3 times a week is too much. He doesn't get to arrive at your house, eat your food and charge you for any takeaways he fancies. He has a home, he might not like it, but that's where he lives. He's 19, so old enough to look at moving out if he feels like it. His family situation is not really anything to do with you and it's not your job to accommodate or fund him. You have your household and he's not part of it. He has his household and he needs to go back to it.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 23:58

I can see DD wanting it, she lives there, but him? He's presuming he gets any opinion about your household. Tell him to stay away until he can show you some respect in your own home.