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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

156 replies

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 17:25

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5.
DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both.
I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week)
So anyone out there have any good advice
Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

OP posts:
00100001 · 07/01/2023 20:00

Sex. Basically. DD will be pregnant before long.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 20:00

BreakfastClub80 · 07/01/2023 19:58

And further to a PP, do your DD and he not have friends they want to see separately? At 19, it doesn’t seem normal or healthy to spend all your time together like that.

They have same group of friends but don’t want to see them that much

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 20:01

His parents probably have rules and expectations. Where as at your house, it's a free for all.

Silvers11 · 07/01/2023 20:05

I don't really understand the post to be honest.

So for the last week BF has been over at your house every day? But only for the past week? During the festive period, when college will have been closed? It's a holiday period. What makes you think this will continue after the Colleges go back? Surely they will be out most days and this will stop?

Your DH and DC only seem to communicate via you?

On the off chance this post is genuine, then you, DH and DD need to sit down and discuss what is acceptable and stick to it.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/01/2023 20:05

We had issues with ds's gf trying to get her feet under out table. Including hanging around when ds went to work. Or out with his mates she would be here for when he got home. She once locked ds's door and took the key home! He was to be staying at hers. I was fuming.

Cf alert...
Dh was washing up. She walked past him made herself a coffee then dropped the dirty cup into the bowl for dh.
Ds was told she was no longer welcome after that.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 07/01/2023 20:27

Even if they are in college they have the time to at least be doing a part time job. Always jobs in mcdonalds etc. they are 19 and enjoying doing nothing and having everything provided. Life is too easy. Time to set some boundaries and expectations.

OliveWah · 07/01/2023 20:46

@Safarigiraffe I think what @Quveas was getting at was that the same things which are annoying you about having your DD's BF in your house all the time (eating everything in sight, not contributing to costs, being THERE all the time and not giving anyone the chance to relax in their own home) are likely to be what has made "life difficult for him" at home.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2023 20:58

Leeds2 · 07/01/2023 17:50

Get your husband to tell her that the BF can only come round x days a week, between the hours of y and z, whatever you both think is acceptable. DD does as she is told, or moves out to find her own place with BF.

This. It’s easy. It’s your house ffs

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 21:22

DH spoke to DD said bf can come round 2-3 times a week max
DD has become very upset saying right well from Monday I be at his house starving all day not eating cos his parents don’t get on with bf
I said we didn’t say for bf not to come we said 2-3 times a week so now DD is making me feel bad by saying to me we don’t like it at his house we don’t eat nothing all day and I wanted to be home to see you all in comfort of my own house
I said you can be 3 times a week but now DD is upstairs upset & I feel bad cos I’ve been the messenger in this

OP posts:
00100001 · 07/01/2023 21:23

Ignore her tantrum

LIZS · 07/01/2023 21:24

They can't buy food for themselves? What do they do when at college?

MichelleScarn · 07/01/2023 21:26

Ignore the tantrum. So is she really saying there is no food in his house or just no snacks and paid for takeaways?!

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 21:27

Tell her you're passing through town tomorrow and does she need you to pick her up any toiletries for when she's at BF's house. Let her tantrum. Don't feel bad. She's manipulating you.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 21:33

MichelleScarn · 07/01/2023 21:26

Ignore the tantrum. So is she really saying there is no food in his house or just no snacks and paid for takeaways?!

There is food however no paid for snacks and takeaways

OP posts:
Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 21:37

Basically the bf mum doesn’t to weekly food shops just buys as and when needed food

OP posts:
MooseBreath · 07/01/2023 21:41

I'm of two minds here.

You should really find out why the BF doesn't want to be at home. If his relationship with his parents is bad because they have been abusive or treat their son poorly, I wouldn't blame him for being more comfortable in your home. If that's the case, I would make a point of trying to include your DD and her BF in common areas of the home a bit more and genuinely accept the BF into the home. I would, however, stipulate that he kicks in for groceries and pitches in with chores.

If it's just that you let DD and the BF do whatever they want and pay for everything, then toughen up and stick to the 3 day limit that you set.

Also, tell your DS and DH to man up and speak to DD themselves.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 21:48

MooseBreath · 07/01/2023 21:41

I'm of two minds here.

You should really find out why the BF doesn't want to be at home. If his relationship with his parents is bad because they have been abusive or treat their son poorly, I wouldn't blame him for being more comfortable in your home. If that's the case, I would make a point of trying to include your DD and her BF in common areas of the home a bit more and genuinely accept the BF into the home. I would, however, stipulate that he kicks in for groceries and pitches in with chores.

If it's just that you let DD and the BF do whatever they want and pay for everything, then toughen up and stick to the 3 day limit that you set.

Also, tell your DS and DH to man up and speak to DD themselves.

Bf doesn’t get abused by his parents however does have a hard time with how strict they are regarding how they are with him it’s more a case of they made themselves too comfy here & had everything paid for here and just to add when DD says she be starving hungry every day there she means that bf parents don’t cook extra food on top of things they don’t fancy eating or paid for snacks & takeaways

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/01/2023 21:53

Do either of them have any income? Even a weekend or holiday job would facilitate takeaways of their choice? Think you may need to start being as "strict" or you will be taken advantage of.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 21:53

That's not your problem. He goes home, visiting her occasionally, or she goes with him. Short term by the sounds of it.

YourWinter · 07/01/2023 22:12

Do the bf’s parents like your daughter? Do they think she’s the reason he isn’t focusing on his college work?

At 19 are they doing a 3rd year of further education (6th form - how did their first two years go?) or are they first year undergraduates? Are they actually serious about their subjects or is staying in education an excuse not to get out there and bloody get jobs?

Supermarkets are recruiting part timers over 18.

Ooopsi · 07/01/2023 22:22

My mum and dad did this ! Started to have issue with BF staying every weekend ( we both worked and he would come round at 6 sometimes we would go out other times cook dinner, do something together or separately the following day and back to mine again in the evening ) I used to get so upset that they made a deal of things ! Even though we would be out or just in my room.

Even now i remember none of my friends parents acting like it. When I asked my dad his responses god love him we’re ridiculous like what if I wanted to be naked in my own home? With me following up like but you wouldn’t do this with me living here anyway.

what is the actual real reason it’s to much? I’ve never understood it personally. I think you’ll have some resentment from your daughter so just be warned. Twice a week is ridiculous I would suggest 4 times max !

Geepee71 · 07/01/2023 22:25

When I was being a tad Liberal with my parents hospitality, my step dad basically said, if you want to spend every day with your boyfriend, I suggest you startlooking for a place to rent together. That made me buck my ideas up.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 22:26

Ooopsi · 07/01/2023 22:22

My mum and dad did this ! Started to have issue with BF staying every weekend ( we both worked and he would come round at 6 sometimes we would go out other times cook dinner, do something together or separately the following day and back to mine again in the evening ) I used to get so upset that they made a deal of things ! Even though we would be out or just in my room.

Even now i remember none of my friends parents acting like it. When I asked my dad his responses god love him we’re ridiculous like what if I wanted to be naked in my own home? With me following up like but you wouldn’t do this with me living here anyway.

what is the actual real reason it’s to much? I’ve never understood it personally. I think you’ll have some resentment from your daughter so just be warned. Twice a week is ridiculous I would suggest 4 times max !

When I’m buying extra food for the bf breakfast lunch dinner snacks takeaways spending more money & not having no privacy to be able to relax in my own house then yes it’s an issue. I have no resentment towards my DD and saying 2-3 times a week for bf to come round is more than enough

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 22:37

Ooopsi · 07/01/2023 22:22

My mum and dad did this ! Started to have issue with BF staying every weekend ( we both worked and he would come round at 6 sometimes we would go out other times cook dinner, do something together or separately the following day and back to mine again in the evening ) I used to get so upset that they made a deal of things ! Even though we would be out or just in my room.

Even now i remember none of my friends parents acting like it. When I asked my dad his responses god love him we’re ridiculous like what if I wanted to be naked in my own home? With me following up like but you wouldn’t do this with me living here anyway.

what is the actual real reason it’s to much? I’ve never understood it personally. I think you’ll have some resentment from your daughter so just be warned. Twice a week is ridiculous I would suggest 4 times max !

Stay in school, kids.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 22:38

There is one way round all this, and that's for both of them to buy their own food!