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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

156 replies

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 17:25

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5.
DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both.
I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week)
So anyone out there have any good advice
Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/01/2023 10:26

Its actually my birthday Tom however bf said that he will come but to let us know that he won’t feel welcome here but it’s gonna be awkward between us all & I am not sure how to act also he may decide to not turn up at all DD said
So it's your birthday and the options are 'I'll come but I'll have a face like a cats bum while you pay for my food and drink to show how hurt and unwelcome I am... or I'll leave you hanging and not confirm if I actually will come' what a pair of immature freeloaders!!

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 10:27

Theoldwoman · 08/01/2023 06:50

You are being unreasonable!

I have a 19 and 21DD's and their BF are welcome any time. any day, as much or as little as they like. I feed whoever is here at the time.

Did I say bf isn’t welcome here at all? But if it’s at the expense of treating the place like a hotel 7 days a week then he’s welcome here 2-3 days

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 08/01/2023 10:51

I think you are being reasonable. It’s your house, you want your space and privacy. They need to focus on getting jobs to pay for their snacks and takeaways then it won’t matter when they go to the bfs house as they can fund themselves. It’s your home the happiness of everyone counts and sometimes there has to be a compromise. But ultimately he has a home, if he doesn’t like how strict his parents are it’s not down to you to provide a new home.

LIZS · 08/01/2023 11:02

Did you tell ddbf directly or did she? Things may have got lost in translation! Sounds like emotional blackmail you could well do without.

00100001 · 08/01/2023 11:22

Theoldwoman · 08/01/2023 06:50

You are being unreasonable!

I have a 19 and 21DD's and their BF are welcome any time. any day, as much or as little as they like. I feed whoever is here at the time.

Lucky you being able to feed and support 2 additional adults.

Mosaic123 · 08/01/2023 11:34

Can you ask them to cook and clear up for you twice a week? At least you are getting some benefit and they are having some responsibility.

They have to tell you what they are making first so they don't make something readymade!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 08/01/2023 11:47

You’re being totally reasonable and I think for the sake of the household you might need to sit them both down and have a word. They are acting like entitled brats, they might be adults in number but they’re behaving like children.

Don’t do it today as it’s your birthday (happy birthday!) but do sit them down next time and say it’s nothing to do with being ‘mean’ or not liking him - it’s that this isn’t his home. An extra person needs to be catered for - not just in terms of food - and it’s too much. Tell them you appreciate they’re both happy with the arrangement, but that’s because every aspect suits them. You don’t want a guest in your house almost permanently regardless of who they’re in a relationship with.

And if they start with the ‘we’ll starve’ and ‘you don’t like us’ stuff I’d honestly hit them with the fact they’re old enough to know that making ridiculous untrue statements in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you won’t work.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 12:07

LIZS · 08/01/2023 11:02

Did you tell ddbf directly or did she? Things may have got lost in translation! Sounds like emotional blackmail you could well do without.

DD told him in person cos she wasn’t happy so now 2 unhappy teenagers 🙄

OP posts:
Princessglittery · 08/01/2023 12:23

@Safarigiraffe 2 unhappy teenagers - only just they will be 20 fairly soon. Too old to be having childish strops.

Quveas · 08/01/2023 13:39

Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 12:07

DD told him in person cos she wasn’t happy so now 2 unhappy teenagers 🙄

Show quote history

Boo how. If this is the worst thing that happens to them in their lives, they'll be very lucky. It seems what I said - his parents won't let them freeload, and expect some adult responsibilities from two adults.

And if they want to try to ruin your birthday, I'd uninvite both of them.

At 19 I was 300 miles away at university, paying my own rent, buying my own food and everything else, paying my bills, and working on top of studying. These two need some life lessons. As I said before, entitled and think that life is there to serve them. They so have a shock coming, sooner or later, so you are doing them a favour in making it sooner and not as big a shock.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 13:51

Theoldwoman · 08/01/2023 06:50

You are being unreasonable!

I have a 19 and 21DD's and their BF are welcome any time. any day, as much or as little as they like. I feed whoever is here at the time.

Good for you - your house your rules
however me/DH are not prepared to keep supporting bf with 3 meals a day with snacks inbetween while he stays in DDs bedroom
Our rules for our house - 2/3 times a week max you don’t like that then go back home

OP posts:
Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 19:48

BF has gone home now a lot earlier than usual as he showed that “I’m not welcome”
DD is ok seems a bit upset but is talking general to us
However we stand by what we say

OP posts:
FaceLikeCattle · 08/01/2023 20:01

Well done you! Don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

Agapornis · 08/01/2023 21:35

Did he still get his dinner and snacks today, though...

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 21:39

Agapornis · 08/01/2023 21:35

Did he still get his dinner and snacks today, though...

No however as I didn’t offer DD/BF made themselves spaghetti (not what we had for dinner but they made themselves)

OP posts:
Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 21:41

However as it was my birthday I did cut birthday cake which he did have but I wasn’t offering snacks etc

OP posts:
Agapornis · 08/01/2023 21:43

Hope they didn't take lovely expensive
meat and fancy veg from your fridge to go with their pasta! And that they did the dishes after.

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 23:52

They were testing you with the spaghetti cooking.

It seems you let them get away with it.

Whose idea was it to cook spaghetti?

This BF is marking your home as his own turf.

You need to break up the relationship and DD needs a complete change of scene.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/01/2023 07:31

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 23:52

They were testing you with the spaghetti cooking.

It seems you let them get away with it.

Whose idea was it to cook spaghetti?

This BF is marking your home as his own turf.

You need to break up the relationship and DD needs a complete change of scene.

DDs idea to make spaghetti carbonara which they both made together (tidied up after themselves as well cos I made sure) no snacks were directly offered by me or any takeaways they sorted themselves out there

OP posts:
Bettyboop3 · 09/01/2023 10:35

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 23:52

They were testing you with the spaghetti cooking.

It seems you let them get away with it.

Whose idea was it to cook spaghetti?

This BF is marking your home as his own turf.

You need to break up the relationship and DD needs a complete change of scene.

She needs to break up the relationship? Bit harsh!

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 12:22

Safarigiraffe · 09/01/2023 07:31

DDs idea to make spaghetti carbonara which they both made together (tidied up after themselves as well cos I made sure) no snacks were directly offered by me or any takeaways they sorted themselves out there

Show quote history

Whilst it seems fine as one of his 3 allowed days, can you afford for them to be cooking a separate meal for him every day? Ingredients are getting expensive day by day.

creamwitheverything · 09/01/2023 12:31

Time to stop explaining OP and walking on eggshells in your own home, It doesnt work for you the current arrangement of him being there all the time end of discussion. Can he come round mum would that be ok? is what should have been happening all along here,Yes or no sorry not today should have sufficed.You do not need to justify yourself to your dd or her boyfriend at all.Your home your rules.His parents have made things clear said no and they dont like it,bet they (his parents ) are not going over the whys and wherefores and being upset like you are....they have the right idea by the way his parents! uld your own parents have allowed this to happen? I bet not and I bet you wouldnt have dared stamp and stomp with them to get your own way.My parents wouldnt have put up with it either and I wouldnt have ever expected them to.Its basic respect,sadly that seems to be missing here .Enough now,Say your piece lay it out how things are going to be what you will tolerate what you wont end of argument,They either play by the rules or theydont that is up to them. I would say if they are so bothered about being hungry at his parents then they go buy themselves a burger before they go easy ! Do not enter into anymore discussion with them,certainly no negociations. They will get used to it.They in fact should be expressing how greatful they are for your hospitality.Start signposting them in the direction of job agerncies they couldboth have a job by tomorrow if they are serious, They are playing at grown ups and its time they took responsibility to show they actually are. I feel neither have any intention of getting a job really but they do need to. Happy Birthday to you ..make your stand! Give yourself the best present going by regaining control of your home and your own happiness to use it as and when you feel in any way you choose after all its you paying the bills!

MichelleScarn · 09/01/2023 12:47

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 09/01/2023 12:22

Whilst it seems fine as one of his 3 allowed days, can you afford for them to be cooking a separate meal for him every day? Ingredients are getting expensive day by day.

Show quote history

This, step in before they see this as the green light for him to stay and use all your food etc, disrupting meal plans etc and any mention will be a huffy 'we cooked it ourselves, nor asking anything from you!'

GoldenCupidon · 09/01/2023 13:32

Honestly you're probably doing her a real favour giving her (effectively) some time apart from him, if she wants it.

The fact that he wanted her to let you know he felt less welcome is a sign that he's a bit of a dick!

You've been spoiling them both a bit and it's a really good thing that you've drawn a line under this now. Don't backslide, they can hang out (gasp!) outside the house if they want to, they have a college cafe/library to be in presumably.

God, if my parents had offered to get my boyfriend and me takeaways so we could just stay in bed, snuggle and watch Netflix I'd probably still be there now.

It doesn't actually matter if they're not happy about these changes, that's natural, but it's not a problem.

YourWinter · 09/01/2023 14:30

This problem won’t go away until you make it go away. It’s your house, they’re young adults abusing your remarkable tolerance. High time they grew up, supported themselves, and learned some respect. He especially is absolutely taking the mickey because he knows you’ll let him.