Page 2 | DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

Safarigiraffe · 2023-01-07T17:25:23+00:00

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5. DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both. I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week) So anyone out there have any good advice Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

Badger1970 · 07/01/2023 19:22

We had this with DD1, and in hindsight I really regret that we let it all happen. As a result of her BF being here nearly all the time, she stopped seeing her friends, they stopped "dating" and were just sat like pensioners in front of the TV night after night. In the end, we said that we were worried that she'd dropped everyone else from her life and that his family problems weren't her place to solve. It didn't go down well, but we said no more than 4 evenings a week and that he needed to leave by 9pm so that her sisters could use the bathroom/walk round in their pj's etc. They split up shortly after, which she blamed us for, but once the dust settled she did admit that they'd got into a really unhealthy rut.

And it's no joke feeding a teenage lad.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 19:29

It sounds like she's presuming that because he's having problems at home, he can just spend his time at yours. Tell her that it's never been asked or discussed, so a family meeting will need to happen where rules expectations and food and energy costs will need to be agreed. Don't feel embarrassed or grabby. Set rules and stick to them. If they're not happy, it stops.

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:31

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 19:29

It sounds like she's presuming that because he's having problems at home, he can just spend his time at yours. Tell her that it's never been asked or discussed, so a family meeting will need to happen where rules expectations and food and energy costs will need to be agreed. Don't feel embarrassed or grabby. Set rules and stick to them. If they're not happy, it stops.

Yes and her BF assumes this as well

OP posts:

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 07/01/2023 19:32

His parent probably think he needs to get a job. Bing in the house morning till night ? Not got much prospects has he

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:33

Well I do know he is looking for a job as well as DD

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 19:35

You and DP need to stop being taken for mugs then. They're relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything, which allows them to coast along. And she knows this, that's why it's you being asked to deal with DH, she knows he has an issue and is hoping you, as the good cop, get him onside.

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:36

Justmuddlingalong · 07/01/2023 19:35

You and DP need to stop being taken for mugs then. They're relying on you being too embarrassed to say anything, which allows them to coast along. And she knows this, that's why it's you being asked to deal with DH, she knows he has an issue and is hoping you, as the good cop, get him onside.

You are right here

OP posts:

Longcovidshitshow · 07/01/2023 19:39

It sounds as though it may be a bit too cosy for them… I’d start asking about part-time jobs, aspirations, until you annoy them with it! Oh and discuss them having to take on more chores …

Bettyboop3 · 07/01/2023 19:42

Georgeskitchen · 07/01/2023 17:47

They need to move out and get their own place

They are both at college & not working. How would you suggest they do this?

Murdoch1949 · 07/01/2023 19:44

You need to have a meeting with you, your husband and daughter (if you can get her on her own!). Beforehand discuss with husband what you both agree is acceptable regarding how often bf is at your house, and how often he eats with you. Currently he is ever present in both her bedroom and your kitchen - too much. You've got an unexpected, uninvited, lodger who doesn't seem to contribute anything to the finances or chores. You've got yourself a parasite, albeit one your daughter likes/loves. Explain your reasoning. She then has choices, if what you outline is not acceptable to her, she could spend time at bf's, maybe finding out that things aren't quite as bad there as he's painted. You can offer to discuss it with bf as well, if that helps daughter.

Mumma · 07/01/2023 19:45

I've been in his shoes and it was a horrible experience. I was fortunate my partners parents saw how hard it was for me at home and treated me as their own. They set some ground rules ablut cooking, cleaning, space etc.
This paid off for them massively when we eventually had children, and we were all incredibly close.

Quveas · 07/01/2023 19:47

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:19

Well in a way yes it is as I find I’m making extra portions of food. BF is here from late morning so will have breakfast, lunch, dinner plus snacks here however sometimes they do order themselves food which we pay for (neither working both at college) Came in with food shop before and both DD/BF were in kitchen looking at what I bought in & I did have to say to them both to please leave as I needed to put shop away

I might have an inkling about why he doesn't get on with his parents. And I foresee that condition possibly landing at yours sometime soon.

Whether they are at college or not.... and if they are always at yours then it's hard to work out what they are studying.... both of them seem to be rather entitled, and you aren't doing them any favours by letting them think life is like this. This may be the family home, but you own it. Your rules apply and you need no explanation or justification for how you want to live in your home.

But I also agree that this message needs to be from both of you, not just you.

MichelleScarn · 07/01/2023 19:47

Is he definitely leaving every night?

LIZS · 07/01/2023 19:47

Who else is in the house? How do they feel about having an extra person round all the time. If they are supposed to be at college and/or work during the day why aren't they. If he does not get on with his family (and maybe they have been placed in similar position and put foot down) he needs to find alternative accommodation. Otherwise sooner or later he will be staying over all the time.

PinkSyCo · 07/01/2023 19:48

You need to put your foot down now, because if you don’t I can see him having a fall out with his parents (whether real or made up) and you ending up having him fully moved in with you.

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:51

MichelleScarn · 07/01/2023 19:47

Is he definitely leaving every night?

Yes definitely he goes home every night as DD drops him off home

OP posts:

Violetthedamagedbutterfly · 07/01/2023 19:51

He’s moved in by stealth. They will take whatever they can get away with. Time for a New Year chat- set boundaries and explain that you think he is lovely man ( if you think he is) but you need your home back. Don’t go into lots of detail, just say you need him to visit maybe at weekends and one day during the week. Set out expectations and don’t go back on them.
19 and both in college? Doing what at 19?

Violetthedamagedbutterfly · 07/01/2023 19:52

Oh, and don’t pay for any more take always. No wonder he has moved in!

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:54

LIZS · 07/01/2023 19:47

Who else is in the house? How do they feel about having an extra person round all the time. If they are supposed to be at college and/or work during the day why aren't they. If he does not get on with his family (and maybe they have been placed in similar position and put foot down) he needs to find alternative accommodation. Otherwise sooner or later he will be staying over all the time.

I work full time Monday to Friday DH is in house works but sometimes works from home DS 22 works part time 3 days a week plus one Saturday every month
However DS feels like he can’t relax & do his own thing same as how my DH feels & I feel when I’m off on my weekends I’m having to do more work

OP posts:

LIZS · 07/01/2023 19:57

So you need to tell dd it is not working for the rest of the family to have him there so often. He is welcome to visit but on your terms.

BreakfastClub80 · 07/01/2023 19:58

And further to a PP, do your DD and he not have friends they want to see separately? At 19, it doesn’t seem normal or healthy to spend all your time together like that.

Cherrysoup · 07/01/2023 19:58

It’s pretty outrageous that you’re having to feed him every meal! I’d limit him to twice a week and not all day. He’s pretty much moved in!

00100001 · 07/01/2023 19:59

Why are they still in college at 19?

What is there jb hunting actually looking like?

Original poster

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 19:59

Quveas · 07/01/2023 19:47

I might have an inkling about why he doesn't get on with his parents. And I foresee that condition possibly landing at yours sometime soon.

Whether they are at college or not.... and if they are always at yours then it's hard to work out what they are studying.... both of them seem to be rather entitled, and you aren't doing them any favours by letting them think life is like this. This may be the family home, but you own it. Your rules apply and you need no explanation or justification for how you want to live in your home.

But I also agree that this message needs to be from both of you, not just you.

Show quote history

Can you please tell me what you think about why he don’t get on with his parents and why it will possibly land on us

OP posts:

00100001 · 07/01/2023 20:00

Drugs