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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bf round morning to night 7 days a week

156 replies

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 17:25

DD has a bf and past week cos he don’t like it at his house is round here morning to night 7 days a week, as much as me/DH like her bf we both feel this is far too much as we both work, need privacy ourselves & feel that instead of buying food for 4 we are now having to buy food for 5.
DD says they are just in her bedroom so what’s the issue & why we don’t want them round there however my DH wants me to talk to her again to make her understand that whether in her bedroom or not it’s too much for us for him to be here in this way. DD is now upset with us both.
I get what my DH is trying to say but don’t want DD to feel like we don’t want her bf round (we was thinking maybe 2 times a week)
So anyone out there have any good advice
Just to add DD/BF are both 19 years old so who is being unreasonable here - DH/‘E for thinking it’s too much every day morning to night 7 days a week or DD who thinks as they are just in her room & not bothering anyone to leave them be

OP posts:
sweetdreamtennasee · 08/01/2023 00:00

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:54

We did say he can come round 3 days a week however DD/BF not happy with that as bf has issues with parents so they both want to come here

Show quote history

hard to comment without knowing the severity of issues with the boyfriends parents but assuming it’s not safe for him to be at home, and he is staying with you for the foreseeable, what would make you feel better about this arrangement?

rent and food payment or contributing to household chores?

ExplodingCarrots · 08/01/2023 00:09

Do they spend any time apart at all ? Excusing being in college. It sounds very full on and that they don't have a break from each other .
Stick to your guns .

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 08/01/2023 00:10

ExplodingCarrots · 08/01/2023 00:09

Do they spend any time apart at all ? Excusing being in college. It sounds very full on and that they don't have a break from each other .
Stick to your guns .

No they are together all the time we told DD to tone it down previously as they are in each others pockets too much for 19 years old

OP posts:
Overandunderit · 08/01/2023 00:12

You've done nothing wrong. Sounds like your DD and her BF are trying to manipulate you.

2/3 nights is plenty.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 08/01/2023 00:16

YANBU. Of course he wants to be at your 7 days a week, he’s got regular snacks and takeaways!

His parents are providing 3 meals a day, that’s absolutely fine, he is just being greedy and DD is very entitled to think you should be feeding her BF breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks 7 days a week!

He is trying to guilt trip you by saying he no longer feels welcome. Don’t fall for it!

FrankieWapp · 08/01/2023 00:25

They are taking the piss and priming you for him moving in!

Agapornis · 08/01/2023 00:43

Can you show them how much extra the food is costing you? If they've never bought their own food they won't understand. I'd mention the cost of living crisis.
Also, stop paying for their extras. Just because they don't have jobs doesn't mean they don't have money - I presume they have birthday gifts, pocket money (?) etc they buy their own food with.

(Obviously this doesn't address the privacy issue, or their lack of willingness to muck in.)

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 01:00

YABU for facilitating this

IntoTheDeepDark · 08/01/2023 01:06

Have you got any jobs they could do? Decorating or something to help pay there way. You are not being unreasonable

Murdoch1949 · 08/01/2023 01:08

Bf is gaslighting you and your daughter. Yes, I'll come to your birthday, but I may not as I don't feel welcome. Your choice bf. He is trying to work on your daughter's emotions, your parents don't like me, I'm not welcome here. You are welcome, 2/3 times a week. You are being totally reasonable but overly generous to them. Don't buy takeaways when he is over, save that when he's not present and save yourself fifteen quid. He has been leading the life of Riley with you, and he wants it to continue. You've only got your daughter and her bf's word that life at bf's is like the workhouse. He just likes it at yours, less hassle, no parents saying get off your arse and clean your room, put the bins out etc. I doubt he does anything at your house except eat, whack your WiFi and search through your fridge. I wonder if he also says to gf, ask your parents to get a takeaway tonight. Stick to your guns, you're being totally reasonable.

toomuchlaundry · 08/01/2023 01:19

Why can’t they have part-time jobs?

InBedBy10 · 08/01/2023 01:41

Your dd and her boyfriend have taken you for a mug OP. Stick to your guns.

BensonStabler · 08/01/2023 03:22

they can do 2 days a week at yours, then 3 days once a month
2 or 3 days at his
and two days apart to see family, friends, studying and looking for work.

if they keep putting up a fight just say that you have explained your reasons and rules, if they can’t respect you and your home it can be zero days.

Alternatively when your dd pushes back with the guilt, say ok now you have lost a day, keep talking, do you want to lose another? and stick to it.

When they pull their weight with chores, following your rules, and being nice, considerate and respectful to all the family members and your home, they can earn a lost day back, but any time they don’t follow the rules or guilt you into changing them they lose a day until there is none.

Put rules in place about food and explain all your costs and why you can’t sustain it the way it has been. Talk to the bf directly to let him know that it’s not personal or anything bad about him, just you have found out the hard way this doesn’t work for you and your family, remind them how generous you have been and that they should be more grateful, and by acting ungrateful and rude demanding more despite you putting your foot down, it will just backfire on them.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/01/2023 06:23

Oh of COURSE he doesn't like it at his parents house... they aren't willing to feed and house two freeloading 19 year olds, or, even just their own.

SO your house where theres three meals a day plus snacks whenever and it bloody rains takeaways, they can stay in her room and do what they like is a fucking holiday, all day, every day.

Can I move in too? Sounds so much nicer than sorting out my own shit and having to be responsible!

Tell them, you can't afford to feed an extra adult 7 days a week and it is beyond cheek to expect you to do so!

Theoldwoman · 08/01/2023 06:50

You are being unreasonable!

I have a 19 and 21DD's and their BF are welcome any time. any day, as much or as little as they like. I feed whoever is here at the time.

ChimChimeny · 08/01/2023 06:52

How hard are they actually looking for work? Pretty much every pub round here is looking for staff, plus places like McDonald's as PP mentioned. there is no way my DM would have been supporting me at 19 (i had a job from 15)

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 07:29

The BF is exploiting you, and he's also exploiting your child.

He has isolated her from her peers, and it's very likely the reason she doesn't have a job is because that would mean she'd be out mixing with other people, which he couldn't deal with.

What sort of manipulation does he use in order to get her to have sex? What will just take to push her into having a baby?

This may sound harsh, but I'm guessing since you and your husband are coming across as quite the pair of pushovers here, she's never had any assertiveness modeled in her home life. He probably saw her a mile off.

Your husband needs to put his foot down and so do you.

Your daughter needs to get a job. She needs a deadline to accomplish this goal. See if the BF kicks up a fuss.

The BF shouldn't be welcome any more under your roof.

Your daughter needs counseling to examine the relationship and how she has allowed her life to revolve around this very possessive and manipulative young jerk. She has given enough up too much for this relationship. Why?

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 07:33

Does the BF insist they should work together, same hours, same place? Or does he not want any job at all for either of them? If yes, why?

If your daughter were to get herself a job, would he sulk or accuse her of distancing herself from him?

00100001 · 08/01/2023 07:36

Safarigiraffe · 07/01/2023 23:25

Its actually my birthday Tom however bf said that he will come but to let us know that he won’t feel welcome here but it’s gonna be awkward between us all & I am not sure how to act also he may decide to not turn up at all DD said

Ohnoooooo.

A free loading arsehole, who has manipulated my daughter won't be there on your birthday...how awful....

Mindymomo · 08/01/2023 07:49

Happy Birthday. Nothing you’ve said is wrong. When my DS had a GF she was here as much as she could, her mum was a single parent with 3 teenagers, so food was not unlimited like it was here. I would get texts from GF asking what are we having for dinner and I was buying food especially for her. Fortunately for us she had to stay regular nights at her dads, so we got a break then, but I get it, when your house isn’t your own.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/01/2023 07:50

Stick to your guns. They sound entitled, immature kids.

At 19 I had a job while studying and would not have expected my partners family to pay for takeaways. And complain when they started saying no.

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 08/01/2023 08:21

I cringe now when I think about how I was round my BFs house so much as a teenager - just there constantly, including when he was working lates and I’d be in his room, waiting for him. I didn’t have a great home life, but still 😳

OP you’re not unreasonable at all and they both need to realise the impact their actions have on others. Also need to realise the cost of food and that they need to contribute!

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/01/2023 08:57

The basic problem is that they shouldn't be hanging round the house all day. Surely they should be at college 5 days a week 9-3 and then out seeing friends some of the rest of the time, plus of course working as well. If they both did that, paid towards food and helped around the house I don't think I'd mind as long as bf polite and friendly.

I would not like them sitting in a bedroom all day every day. That is weird and unhealthy.

Newyearnewmeow · 08/01/2023 09:54

I would be having a word with that cheeky lad of hers. Who the hell does he think he is, entitled little twerp. He’s taking advantage of your kindness. Time to get angry OP. Your daughter sounds led and said by him. Stop being a pushover in your own home.
Your daughter has actually told you they prefer it at yours cos they can freeload there which there which they can’t do at his parents. His mother has the right idea. You need to catch on.

Princessglittery · 08/01/2023 10:16

@Safarigiraffe Happy Birthday.

Your daughter is 19 and old enough to understand that meals, snacks and takeaway’s cost money, as does heating, lighting etc. She is also old enough to contribute to the house by undertaking chores etc. Finally, she is old enough to understand it is you and your DHs home (and your DS) and wanting a few evenings with no visitors is a choice you and DH are entitled to make.

Sit down and explain you and DH cannot continue to feed a 5th person 3 meals a day plus snacks and takeaways 7 days a week without a financial contribution, a contribution to housework and with no down time in your own home. It is unreasonable of her to expect this and she needs to respect your request to reduce the number of days her BF is here. It is your home and wanting a few nights with no visitors so you can fully relax is not unreasonable.

I would also stop paying for takeaways and ask her to start/increase contributions to the household chores.

You also have the option of saying if you don’t like or respect our rules then you are free to leave and set up your own home where you set the rules. I know you don’t want this and in reality I doubt she would leave but she needs to understand at 19 many children have left home either term time (uni) or more permanently.