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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

748 replies

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 15:34

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

OP posts:
Kirstie83 · 09/01/2023 04:32

YANBU.
That is another abusive relationship my lovely, and I’m so sorry that you’re now in this situation again.
I think you need to divorce his sorry ass, and take your 50% of his 5K house! That will be a lovely chunk of money to add to your will, or for you to spend!!!
If you don’t leave him, get a professional to write your will so that it is 100% legit and it states that your nieces will inherit your house and all other assets that you own, otherwise your husband will get his grubby paws on it if you were to sadly pass before him.

DenaJT · 09/01/2023 06:24

If you were to split up, he'd end up with 2 houses and you homeless. Don't do it and his whole attitude would make me wonder if I wanted to be with him. I also cannot have children and if my DH said something like that, it would be the end of us.

HariKris · 09/01/2023 06:27

Leaving aside the fact you are being deliberately coerced into giving up your assets in favour of his kids, there are some financial points.

I recall from a client case about 8 years ago that the surviving spouse automatically inherits Spanish real estate up to a certain threshold. In that case, the husband died first and was not able to leave the property to his daughters, so it had to go to his then current wife. The concept of a trust for life so that on second death the value goes to daughters was impossible. Spain is a civil law country, not common law, so the concept of trusts like we have in the U.K. is not recognised. The risk is the property value passes to him if you die first, regardless of what your Spanish will says.

if you give an interest in your rental home to sister or nieces, say 5% each, you can still receive all of the rental income and HMRC have no problem with that. You can set it out in writing so the arrangement lasts for 30 years or until you die sooner. They can have their interest registered and if you are concerned about being coerced later, the property cannot be sold without their consent. That is like an ‘alert’ if you get manipulated in future. You can even settle the property in your house on trust for your nieces, with you keeping the income for life. You will do that in two stages over 8 years if it’s value is more than £325,000. There are tax issues but based on face value they are not likely to affect you much if at all.

You are being financially abused so that is all the incentive you need to get good legal advice and some family support - now.

HariKris · 09/01/2023 06:32

I’ve just realised this thread is less than 48 hours old, yet we are up to nearly 700 replies. This is incredible with so many people offering OP such positive support.

HariKris · 09/01/2023 06:37

paintitallover · 08/01/2023 22:03

Everyone has a right to Will their half of joint assets to whoever they want.

Show quote history

That needs a bit more explanation. Property that is jointly owned passes to the survivor. To avoid that it has to be legally severed into what is known as ‘tenants in common’. That results in a specific portion which can be given to anyone.

Highover · 09/01/2023 07:03

Don’t sell.
Don’t give the house to your nieces (until you depart this mortal coil)
You need security
You don’t know your nieces current/future partners plans . They might end up in the same situation you are in.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 09/01/2023 07:06

I struggle to understand why your husband would expect his children to benefit from your estate at all given the circumstances. Has he made provision for you at all should he pass away? You mention your house is rented out and you live in his.... what happens to his upon his death? I really hope your interests are looked after but somehow I suspect not given his attitude towards you, your feelings and wishes.

Flatandhappy · 09/01/2023 07:12

Your husband sounds abusive tbh, if you intend to stay in the relationship you need to protect your house. You need legal advice as to the best way to ensure your nieces will inherit. In the meantime your bully of a husband will no doubt continue to try and wear you down, please don’t let him.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 09/01/2023 07:20

Thehobbit2013 · 07/01/2023 16:08

If his sons are going to inherit his house op, where would you live if he were to die. Think you need to ensure your own future is secured too.

THIS
he would happily leave you with nothing!

DiklaNadju · 09/01/2023 07:31

Are you happy? Are you afraid of him?
If the answer is No and Yes, please walk away.

T1Dmama · 09/01/2023 08:46

Do a will and state clearly that your half of marital assets goes to your sister/nieces… say that the u hi Ouse you owned prior to marrying is your nieces and that any share remaining in the marital house can go to to husband/his sons… as long as you leave your husband something then he can’t contest it. I would also leave any money/life insurance to your nieces.
Go and seek legal advice about it and update your will as marriage cancels out any previous wills

helpplease01 · 09/01/2023 08:56

You already know what to do. Point black refuse to sell your house.
He wants the holiday home.
He doesn't want to use any of his cash getting it.
He's being cruel about your family.
I'm afraid his priorities, his behaviour are clearly self serving.
It sounds like this behaviour could escalate if he doesn't get his own way.
I would be very careful if i were you.
You may need your house to move into if the relationship breaks down. Don't stay with him for the sake of being in a relationship.
It sounds like you don't like some core aspects of his character. Do not ignore that. If you sell your house, you will be stuck with no where to go.
Listen to the unanimous response from this forum.
Do NOT do it. If he doesn't like your decision they'll him to fuck off!

Utterknowitall · 09/01/2023 08:57

I would probably wait til my tenants move out, then I would move back I to my own home and let him divorce me. So sorry.

Testina · 09/01/2023 08:57

T1Dmama · 09/01/2023 08:46

Do a will and state clearly that your half of marital assets goes to your sister/nieces… say that the u hi Ouse you owned prior to marrying is your nieces and that any share remaining in the marital house can go to to husband/his sons… as long as you leave your husband something then he can’t contest it. I would also leave any money/life insurance to your nieces.
Go and seek legal advice about it and update your will as marriage cancels out any previous wills

@T1Dmama please don’t post “legal” advice when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

There is no “half” of the “marital assets”.

Even if there was, you wouldn’t get away with treating sone assets as joint to suit yourself whilst you try to ring fence another. (the OP’s house is not outside of the marital assets on divorce automatically - she simply has a valid reason to request a court to consider it so)

She does not get to state in her will where his legally owned asset goes.

As for the utter bullshit that leaving “something” will stop him contesting it - why are you even posting crap like this? 🙄

704703hey · 09/01/2023 10:57

It takes a bit of time to act on getting legal advice and sorting things out.

OP has been lovely about her sisters and nieces and hopefully will not be pressurised into an overseas house purchase and regard stepkids as the second coming when she hardly knows them and they aren't attempting to forge a relationship.

I'm sorry that OP husband has been nasty about sister's mental health.

Legal and stand your ground, all the way!

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 09/01/2023 10:59

You sound like such a lovely sister and aunt. You've really been there for them through some tough times and it seems like you have a beautifully loving relationship with them all. Protect this at all costs.

Your husband sounds like an awful user.

Merida46 · 09/01/2023 12:07

This is a HUGE red flag! tell him to piss off!

LouDeLou · 09/01/2023 12:07

This is exactly why my husband and I are tenants in common ... over my at the time dead body will my estate ever go anywhere but to my blood relatives.

Perhaps you could say that - I'm sorry, my estate will be passing to my blood relatives, as is yours. Over and over again if you have to.

As others have said, update your will and please keep your house until you die, you might need it...

Grrrrdarling · 09/01/2023 12:11

jaicobain · 07/01/2023 15:34

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS! Your partner is a controlling, gaslighting, abuser so please leave NOW!!!!

I don’t even know if it is worth going into anything else because that is the only problem I see here but I will…
… HE wants to buy a house abroad but wants to use YOUR house & security to buy it… NOPE mate not going to happen.
If that happens you lose everything to him & his kids!

He is disrespectful of your whole family & you are still with him???
That is another massive NOPE, NOPE in my eyes.

He wants you to sell your nieces/sister’s inheritance & have his kids inherit the home abroad YOUR home purchases… NOPE, NOPE, NOPE because that holiday home is YOURS not his to give away, as your property will be paying for it, & it should go to your Nieces BUT inheriting a home abroad is fraught with financial issues that would mean your nieces & sister would probably need money to be able to pay for the sale of the property abroad.

In finishing here I say again… your partner is a controlling, gaslighting, abuser & you need to get out.
I can imagine it won’t be easy but right now he thinks he owns you, everything you own & you & your family are worthless to him if he can’t get something out of you!
Everything you write about how he is is not love it is abuse & controlling behaviour.

Lampzade · 09/01/2023 12:15

LouDeLou · 09/01/2023 12:07

This is exactly why my husband and I are tenants in common ... over my at the time dead body will my estate ever go anywhere but to my blood relatives.

Perhaps you could say that - I'm sorry, my estate will be passing to my blood relatives, as is yours. Over and over again if you have to.

As others have said, update your will and please keep your house until you die, you might need it...

My husband and I are tenants in common too.
Holding property as joint tenants is risky particularly if you have children

Lampzade · 09/01/2023 12:15

Grrrrdarling · 09/01/2023 12:11

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS! Your partner is a controlling, gaslighting, abuser so please leave NOW!!!!

I don’t even know if it is worth going into anything else because that is the only problem I see here but I will…
… HE wants to buy a house abroad but wants to use YOUR house & security to buy it… NOPE mate not going to happen.
If that happens you lose everything to him & his kids!

He is disrespectful of your whole family & you are still with him???
That is another massive NOPE, NOPE in my eyes.

He wants you to sell your nieces/sister’s inheritance & have his kids inherit the home abroad YOUR home purchases… NOPE, NOPE, NOPE because that holiday home is YOURS not his to give away, as your property will be paying for it, & it should go to your Nieces BUT inheriting a home abroad is fraught with financial issues that would mean your nieces & sister would probably need money to be able to pay for the sale of the property abroad.

In finishing here I say again… your partner is a controlling, gaslighting, abuser & you need to get out.
I can imagine it won’t be easy but right now he thinks he owns you, everything you own & you & your family are worthless to him if he can’t get something out of you!
Everything you write about how he is is not love it is abuse & controlling behaviour.

Show quote history

All of this

Ellyesse · 09/01/2023 12:17

jaicobain, Apologies, I couldn't go on MN yesterday, just caught up. Sorry I'll speak concisely;
I am so sorry this man is hurting you so badly. I am also very sorry you did not have children. You are a wonderful sister and aunt and in the 'God moves in a mysterious way' kind of view, perhaps that is your purpose, it is certainly your gift.

Sorry to be blunt, but I suspect he married you for your money (house) and sees you as his possession not as an equal human being he loves. He only loves himself, his status, even his children are part of this. He sees everything in terms of his possessions which give him status, big posh house, lovely wife, sons, and now he wants more property overseas. I have experienced this with my late husband, and seen it many times with the people I counselled before I retired. I suspect he is a narcissist. No loving husband would ever make his wife feel demeaned for not being able to have children.
I agree with your sister. Financial abuse, of course, is part of coercive control which is illegal.You could google 'coercive control'. I think his behaviour constitutes this in all its manifestations. You are an empathic, very caring person that these people sum up and catch as perfect partners for them to bully and drain of all your money, possessions, freedom, independence, confidence and cut you off from family. It has been shown that these people 'interview' their prospective victim until they find the one that will fall for their lies and the way they lure them in. Once lured in, they change, as you said he did.
I would hold on to your house as this asset might be needed by you. Your nieces can gain in the course of time.

My summing up - which I am so sorry to do so abruptly - is that you will be happier and mentally healthier without him. Get away now. Separate all your assets from his.

I send you my love, may God bless you and your dear sister and nieces, and I pray that happiness comes to you soon.

Ellyesse · 09/01/2023 12:23

Grrrrdarling, Well said!!! I wish I could express myself as vehemently and expressively as that!
You have pointed out all the important points and explained they are serious signs of abuse, calling them red flags is absolutely right!
I do hope the OP is able to act on it, the poor girl. I was there too once and when you are in the position you are struggling to keep your head above water and don't see all the picture.

Grrrrdarling · 09/01/2023 12:24

jaicobain · 08/01/2023 14:13

Have spoken to Dsis today who isn’t at all happy and she says it’s financial abuse and emotional abuse because he is saying stuff that he knows will hit a nerve about my infertility. It’s got me thinking.

Your sister is right. You need to see a solicitor NOW & secure your property!
It is hard for me to say this to you because he is your husband but you need to have respect for yourself, take back control of your life & get rid of him!

All your husband cares about is the property you have & what that can bring to his children.

His kids, like him, sound like entitled snobs who believe they are better than everyone who is worse off than them or doesn’t have good health.
They then have this inflated belief that everything is owed to them because they are ‘better’ than everyone when in fact they really aren’t but they are a disgrace & they should be embarrassed!!

The fact that he lets them be rude to you just reinforces the type of person he is & how little respect or thought he has for you or your feelings.

Grrrrdarling · 09/01/2023 12:38

Ellyesse · 09/01/2023 12:23

Grrrrdarling, Well said!!! I wish I could express myself as vehemently and expressively as that!
You have pointed out all the important points and explained they are serious signs of abuse, calling them red flags is absolutely right!
I do hope the OP is able to act on it, the poor girl. I was there too once and when you are in the position you are struggling to keep your head above water and don't see all the picture.

I have a few friends who have been in physical, financial & emotionally abusive relationships & it has taken them years to leave & even longer to really see the abuse for what it is & was!
All they wanted to do, while in the relationships, was love their partners & family & make everyone happy but no matter what they did it was never completely good enough.
The constant gaslighting, control, physical beatings & verbal emotional abuse made them doubt their own sanity so they just accepted what they were told & shown as they didn’t feel they could or should doubt someone who professes to loves them!

I am a bit scared for this lady because right now she is literally a hairs breadth away from losing everything to this man & his children.
Due to their marriage he is potentially entitled to half of everything & although the same could be said of her I imagine if she leaves he will fight for that property to be sold so he can benefit from it more than she would fight for a percentage of his property. I also feel he has more financial clout so would be more able to afford a solicitor to help him win leaving her with less than she entered the relationship with!
I am actually wondering now if there is a pre-nup involved that possibly protects his financial assets.
She does say in a later comment that he wasn’t like this when they got together & this issue around money has only reared it’s ugly head in the last two years but it may be that he was just more subtle with his gaslighting & abuse before that time .

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