To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

I’m struggling to understand why you’re still married to such a selfish, entitled sod. If I was you, I’d be moving back into your house as soon as possible. He wants you to give everything up for HIS holiday home without sacrificing anything of his own. Not a chance! Life is not a rehearsal and I know it’s easier said than done but your life is worth more than this. Get a will done tomorrow if you haven’t already and get rid of him!!

Also agree with SallySunrise- make sure you take half of his precious house on your way out!!

OP you’re in another abusive relationship. He has no right to expect you to sell your house, certainly not to fund a second “holiday” home to be left to his children.

Either make a will, make your position 100% clear and stick around for the fall out OR get rid ASAP. If he doesn’t care about your family and what you’ve been through now, he never will.

Don’t give the house to your nieces now as some have suggested. You want the rental income and the right to return to the house. It’s your will you should be interested in. And a divorce.

He’s avaricious, at best.

1. write a will
2. consider divorce

Wow. I’d be furious. He doesn’t respect you or your family by the sounds of it. Like you say if he’s so keen on the holiday home then he can sell his own property and downsize. Why should his kids come before your own blood relatives, kids you’ve watched grow up and been very active in their life. Just no.

Do not sell your house. You do not need to be dependent on any one!! Keep your options open. And consider putting your property/estate in trust so no one can touch it! It might cost you a bit up front but worth it in the long run. Then you can just tell him selling it isn’t an option!

1. Do not sell your house. You will need it. You need to maintain some financial independence. This doesn't look good with this man.
2. Check that your will is up-to-date and watertight
3. Consider whether you want to stay with someone who constantly throws your infertility in your face. That is cruel.

keep the bloody house for heavens sake. He sounds awful. If it was me I would be packing up and going back home.

So he’s been repeatedly browbeating you about his madcap idea that not only doesn’t benefit but actively harms you and yours? Red flag. A loving partner would apologise quite quickly for even having thought of such a stupid idea and would never mention it again.

His plan includes you giving up your beloved house (your description) and saying goodbye to any financial independence or escape route, even though, as a woman who’s already had to escape an abusive relationship once, you well know how vital both those things are for you? Red flag. A loving partner would not ask this of you, or at least not without making a similar, life-changing concession.

His plan also includes you disinheriting your beloved nieces in favour of people with whom you have no strong connection? Red flag. No reasonable person, let alone a loving partner would expect you to do this.

It’s especially interesting that you think he would divorce you if you disposed of your property as you see fit. Red flag. That’s coercion right there: whether he’s said it aloud or not, that’s the impression he’s given you. No reasonable person, let alone a loving partner, uses coercion, and definitely not the “I’ll leave you bomb” to win an argument. Also, as we all know, abusive men never leave, they just threaten to leave as a means of control.

It’s also a red flag that he is so despicable about your sister. I would advise you not to tell him what she said, but if you do, I can guarantee he will claim that her comment about his financial abuse is motivated by self-interest and he will try to make you distrust her. However, that wouldn’t explain why 100% of the responses here say the same.

I think it’s time to stop asking him to justify his plan, but just to tell him NO, and that you won’t be discussing it again. I recognise that saying no is difficult for women with experience of abuse, who often don’t have strong boundaries (I say this as one myself). But a solicitor and/or Women’s Aid would be able to help you.

I do so hope you don’t let him grind you down on this.

All valid points above but especially; Check that your will is up-to-date and watertight-date and watertight

How many times do we see legal challenges to wills making the news, made by greedy relatives. Your nieces could find themselves embroiled in the legal system for years if the stepsons went down that route. If they dont even give you the time of day when they visit, it doesn't take a stretch of imagination to think they'd respect your wishes, especially if their father has indicated to them your assets will become part of their inheritance one day.

I've never said LTB but in this case, if you were a friend in real life, I would be telling them to really consider this. Your house is your security. Plus the references to you not having bio children are unforgivable.

Leave him he’s using you as a cash injection

Ive been thinking about this thread. I havent read everyones updates posts because there are 179, including OP no doubt

I realise this may be perceived as alarmist and someone might have said this so hopefully its not just my mind that has thought this, but given you said that his personality or behaviour has changed over the last couple of years, I hope that here arent any lengths he would go to, to harm you and get your hands on your money/house.

Sorry if that is a bit dramatic. Hopefully nothing like that is likely

Definitely don't sell. I doubt if he would want to divorce you over this anyway because he would stand to lose a lot more than you given your financial positions. He's only saying that to try and frighten you into doing what he wants. Coercive control and bullying from a horrible man. Just let him know that if he doesn't change his tune and start showing some respect it may be you initiating divorce proceedings.

Would I be right in thinking his two adult sons are the owners of their own houses?

bellac11 · Today 21:09
Ive been thinking about this thread. I havent read everyones updates posts because there are 179, including OP no doubt

I realise this may be perceived as alarmist and someone might have said this so hopefully its not just my mind that has thought this, but given you said that his personality or behaviour has changed over the last couple of years, I hope that here arent any lengths he would go to, to harm you and get your hands on your money/house.

Sorry if that is a bit dramatic. Hopefully nothing like that is likely

I totally agree I thought this too, if he would abuse her this way I wouldn’t put it past him!

This is why I will never marry again. Marriage is for raising children and for financial stability and leaves you open to complications and abuse if you marry a second time, once the children are grown up.

When you marry someone later in life and you already have your own assets and/or families, surely the most sensible thing to do is just keep your money separate.

If you decide you did want to buy a holiday home (although it doesn’t sound like you are on board with this) then he would contribute x% and you would contribute x% and then when you die your % of the property is passed to whoever you have put in your will (although they might have to wait until the other partner moves out or does to receive it).

If he can’t afford to contribute anything to the holiday home and you can then it would just be in your name and you could still pass this on to your nieces, absolutely nothing to do with his children.

It makes absolutely no difference if you choose to pass your money to your own children, your nieces or even to charity, it’s yours to give to whoever you wish.

Maybe it's because your reasonable feelings are worth less to him then his unreasonable desires to have you gift him a holiday home.

Maybe it's because he would prefer you to not have an escaping route out of this terrible relationship.

Either way, it's terrible, get out NOW while you still have good options to do so.

OmG non of this is right it's your house your freedom and your entitled to let your neices inherit over your step children. My dad and his partner have been together around 15/20 years he lives in her house but me my DB and DS would never expect her assests to got to anyone other than her three daughters ! And viceversa my dad's house is rented out and should he decide then this would be our inheritance
Your necessary have been in your life far longer you have been a 2nd mum to them
Do not sell your house

YANBU.

I'm a man in a mirror situation and will leave my house to my sister and/or her children, my dear N&N. Luckily my partner wants to leave her house to her children and we agreed at the start (23 yrs ago) this was how we would do it. Her house is worth twice mine, but we both saw this as a fair way to deal with our different financial statuses.

Def make sure your will is up to date and kemal- use a lawyer otherwise, if anything happens to you, your estate will go to him automatically. I'd suggest putting the house and anything else in your estate into a trust fund to avoid inheritance tax too.

You DH sounds manipulative and judgey. Be careful OP. I'm sure you love each other, but understand what motivates him. Also if he wants a pied a tere, you could invest in timeshare and join II or RCI so you can go virtually anywhere in the world... That's what we did. It paid for itself after 10 years and then the resort gave me £3600 back as part of a sale they made, so I got all my money back... its about £500 pa and with that I can go away for 2 weeks high season for an exchange fee of £120-£155 per week. UK has tge fewest facilities available but loads in other parts of the world - if I recall, 4 or 5 thousand resorts. The timeshare will not accrue value, but it will def save money renting good accomodation. We used to holiday 6-8 weeks a year, but I honestly haven't used it much last few years, but that'll change soon as we're planning trips to California and Asia.
Good luck, property overseas can be tricky to look after....

There is lots of good advice here about making sure your own interests are protected. I have a friend in a similar position to you in that she is childless and her husband is not. She plans to do the same as you as she has a sister and nieces to whom she has left legacies. Her husband has provided for his children but they are both in agreement with the plan.

Your house gives you rental income and the security of knowing you have somewhere that is legally yours. I do agree that it is very controlling to pressurise you to sell it. It is particularly hurtful to make negative comments about having no children, especially when it was not by choice.

Sympathising with you, and praying that you come to your senses and divorce this man ASAP.

Personally I would divorce him. However if you decide to stay I would pointvout that you will not be owning the property purchased jointly as you would be the only person paying. I would also check with a solicitor first incase the fact your purchasing the property after you got married gives him rights to it. I would ring fence it and make it clear he would not own any part of it unless he added you to own at least the same value equity in his own property. Who is to say he won't try to take half as a marital assett and claim you have no entitlement to his own property. Make it very clear your neices are you God children and the closest you have to children, his adult children will not inherit your estate that will be left to your own family. Make sure its in a will and if he doesn't like it leave

Am i missing something surely if you die before your husband he will own your house anyway.