To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

Tell him to swivel. Your house, your decision. Make a will.

Not if her will says otherwise.

Everyone has a right to Will their half of joint assets to whoever they want.

Yes you are missing legal understanding and knowledge.

In England and Wales A married person can leave their share of the assets to whoever they please, as long as it is in a valid will and they do not leave a dependent spouse without means. The OP’s H is not financially dependent on her.

OP, may I ask if you’ve considered the possibility that he wanted you to move into his house when you married because he had planned to convert your financial assets into joint property that he could take advantage of? Maybe I’m being unfair in wondering this, but the whole bit about his kids’ inheritance makes no sense to me at all. If he really wanted, he could have moved into yours when you married and let his sons have the use of/sell his place right now. As you say, the two of you don’t need so large a house. But his sons don’t seem to require any sacrifices from their actual father during his lifetime, do they? Just from you. During yours.

It seems to me that what he actually wants is to weaponize his wife’s (your) pain surrounding infertility to manipulate you into letting him live for the rest of his life in a 500k property in a gentrified area while also using your assets to purchase a holiday home for himself. That he would then benefit from in the event of a divorce. Never forget that the reality is that he’s the ONLY one benefiting from this arrangement literally until the day he dies. Not you. Not his sons. Him. And only him.

Your posts all bleed concern for your nieces, your sister, etc. but are a bit thin on the ground with concern for your own wellbeing. At only 50ish, you already seem to see your property as belonging to other people. I wonder if he senses that. It certainly seems he is more than willing to take advantage of it.

You deserve to have your own home, you know. You don’t need a more valid excuse than existing in order to “justify” keeping your own house. Which you bought. With your money. Which you earned. Without him. And without your sister or your nieces, who I’m sure are lovely, but YOU did this. You ought to be proud of that, and of course you love your house. You earned it and you deserve it. Your house is a symbol of what you’ve accomplished for yourself in spite of everything you’ve been through. And it has inherent value as such.

You are very kind to want to leave it to your nieces, but you’re also quite young to be so very vocal about encouraging others to see your property as their own. I wonder if that’s altogether wise. If you tell people, however indirectly, that you don’t deserve your own things and they are really only yours at the moment while they wait to be passed on to other, presumably more deserving folks, inevitably you will attract those who wish to take advantage of your way of thinking about yourself. Is that really what you want?

Leave him

No, you must keep your house. You never know how things will pan out with your husband and the way he’s behaving is waving red flags at me. Make sure your will is up to date and that the ones you wish to inherit will do so. You’ve said how important your nieces are to you - keep this in mind. If your husband wants his sons to inherit his property, all well and good, but make sure that you have somewhere to go should he die before you and as I say, that your family benefit from your property rather than your husbands sons if that is your wish. Your nieces are close blood relations, who you say you are very fond of - his sons are not blood relations. Do not give in to his emotional blackmail. Self preservation is paramount.

Surely if DH bought the holiday property that could me left to his DC. He could downsize and make the investment in the holiday home? They’d inherit the same amount?

@EyesOnThePies - exactly, this is Me Greedy.

I also think he's probably in debt.

OP:
Hold on to your house.
It is your security now and for the future.

Anything could happen. If your H dies and his house is left to his Ds’s you would be homeless (unless he has set up a life interest)

You benefit from the income.

You might need the equity to fund care in your old age

It gives you great pleasure and a sense of pride to think of being able to leave it to your dear nieces.

You want to!

-Check Will.
-Set up POA and make sure your H does not have POA for finance. If your nieces are over 18 have them and your DSis hold POA, ‘joint and severally’ which means that if your DSis was in crisis your DNS could act without her.
-If you have a private / defined contribution pension, who is named as beneficiary? You can name your DNs or sister. Or 50/50.

Well he sounds delightful (not) - what a bully ☹️

Anybody else watching the Harry interview and thinking "shut up Harry"?

Get rid!

I don't know if you'll ever come back @jaicobain
I hope you're OK, and that you leave your house to your lovely sister and nieces.

It is important that you get proper legal advice. When you got married any will you made would have been invalidated unless it was specifically done in contemplation of the marriage. It is important to think about the consequences of divorce and for this reason keep things in your name. Also You probably have matrimonial rights in the property that you and your husband live in.

Further, in this case I would suggest that blood is thicker than water. You have no obligation to his children.

Be upfront… tell him straight you will not be selling YOUR house! Tell him that is your house to go back to should he die, he’s made it very clear the house will go to his sons… where does that leave you?!?! Homeless???? Or if you divorce you’ll want/need your home to go back to.
I would simply just tell him that you also like the income from renting your property out and aren’t willing to sell up… Just tell him that’s the end of the discussions!

If he pushes it tell him that what he does and who he leaves his house to his his business…. You wouldn’t demand he sells it to buy you a property…. And who you leave your house to is also your business!

Surely though as his wife of 5 years the large Victorian house is 50% yours anyway??

Not a chance I’ll watch the s&£t… nor will I watch any of their rubbish or read their books

No. In U.K. Atleast both properties after 5 years of marriage are technically split 50/50…. A wife / husband can leave their share of all assets to whoever they wish.
So OP needs to write a will ASAP.

Have a will drawn up. Do it now. Make it clear in the will that your husband and his children have no rights to your home, or anything else you specifically want your sister/nieces to have.

I do not generally jump right to "leave him," but in this case, I am suggesting that you seriously consider whether his company is so scintillating as to be worth your peace of mind. He is utterly discounting your sister and her daughters, whom you love. He tells you that they are "lesser value" than his own children. That does not sound like a man who loves you.

@T1Dmama “Surely though as his wife of 5 years the large Victorian house is 50% yours anyway??”

Legally now, within the marriage: no.
On divorce: also no. You’re just making up terms, “technically split 50/50” is meaningless.
Divorce legislation allows for a fair division of assets. For only a 5 year marriage, among 2 older people - every reason it would not be a fair division.

YANBU and you need to speak to a solicitor. I would be extremely unhappy with my dp if he was so selfish, thoughtless, insensitive and grabby.

I don't have children, but he has an adult daughter. I have 3 nieces, the youngest one just about to become an adult, and, like you, I want them to have a share of our assets. My nieces share 50% between them, his daughter gets 50%. Neither of us have an issue with this setup, and our wills reflect it.

YANBU
Do not sell your house. He's being ridiculously selfish. Get a will done if you haven't already.

Don't do it! That is Your security. This relationship may not last. Then what? You have no home. In fact this is emotional blackmail and I would actually have serious doubts about this relationship.

As far as wills are concerned, my husband is not my son's dad.

Therefore, if I died first, everything would go to my husband. If he then died my son would get nothing and therefore MY money (which I want my son to inherit) would go to my husband's family or, say, new wife.

We have therefore had a will drawn up to stop this happening!

Best advice!