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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
ProhibitedSteps · 07/01/2023 20:27

@PlasticOrchid IT WAS NOT DIRECTED AT OP! Reading comprehension....

Original poster
holbolbol · 07/01/2023 20:41

Thanks all for your messages of support. Sometimes, I doubt myself and think maybe he didn't realise he was going to pick her up but history tells me otherwise. It's so important to realise this. Someone on this thread quoted Maya Angelou - "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

Is there anyone on the thread that's a bit hot on legal stuff and could advise whether you could get a Prohibited Steps Order of some kind that would prevent this whilst normal contact is ongoing? How might it work etc?

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 07/01/2023 22:32

Prohibited Steps Orders can't and won't be used to stop someone failing to do something.

CelestiaNoctis · 08/01/2023 02:51

Keep her off next Friday or pick her up early so he can't take her for "his" weekend.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 08/01/2023 08:30

JanglyBeads · 07/01/2023 22:32

Prohibited Steps Orders can't and won't be used to stop someone failing to do something.

I think OP was meaning a PSO explicitly prohibiting him from collecting DC from school when it's not his agreed and prearranged weekend. OP isn't trying to prevent him from "forgetting", but is wanting to ensure that he can't use this "forgetting" to constantly control OP and ensure she can never be sure when making weekend plans or bookings whether she will actually have DC or not.

I agree with PP if you think this is a serious possibility then collect your DC from school a little earlier on friday. as far as school attendance goes, if they are there immediately after lunch when the afternoon register is taken then it makes no difference to the school if they don't stay for the whole afternoon period.

Ponoka7 · 08/01/2023 08:34

piedbeauty · 07/01/2023 10:49

Why is it on OP to 'preempt' bad behaviour by her ex? Why isn't it on the ex to stick to the court agreement? Some women are so desperate to excuse men of everything, it's depressing.

Why should OP change her plans for the ex when the ex has form for being unreliable and letting his dd down? 🙄🙄

Show quote history

Because it's upto her to protect her DD. If she isn't capable then she should talk to the safeguarding lead at the school, because someone needs to. We can't stop men from being abusive, but we can stop ourselves and children from being victims. Do you think that no-one should protect their child? We should just let things happen and pretend that we couldn't do anything about it? That is colluding in the abuse and enabling the abuse.

artemiseritu · 08/01/2023 09:35

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Taxistaxing · 08/01/2023 09:50

@artemiseritu I think the fact that there is a CAO shows the dynamic between them.

Headabovetheparakeet · 08/01/2023 09:52

@artemiseritu

Can you tell us in what circumstances it would be acceptable for a parent to not collect their 5 year old from school and not contact anyone to let them know?

JanglyBeads · 08/01/2023 12:30

 @artemiseritu

JanglyBeads · 08/01/2023 12:31

Missed out Hmm!

OutDamnedSpot · 08/01/2023 12:37

So he not only failed to collect her from school, he hasn’t had her for the weekend either? Wow.

Re his ‘what makes you think it was my weekend?’ message, is there any chance that’s genuine? Me and my ex swap around so much over Christmas that the first few weekends of the new year are always a bit “wait. Is this ‘mine’ or ‘yours’?” We generally get on well though so communicate about it!

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 08/01/2023 13:28

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Of course the whole story isn't being told here. OP has no idea why her ex decided not to pick up his child on his court ordered weekend.

What do you want OP to do? Force her presumably abusive ex to co-post with her?

He seemingly can't follow court ordered contact, I doubt he'd agree to joint social media posting.

You seem rather invested in 'throwing shade'. Why is that?

This is, after all, a forum for and by mostly women.

Can2022getanyworse · 08/01/2023 13:30

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Granted there are always 3 sides to every story.

But the facts (as we have been told) are that he didn't turn up to pick the dc up from school, and there is a court order setting out contact dates. There is not much in the way of 'other side of the story' to be had here.

I would be similarly suspicious of his intentions for the next weekend. Time to revisit the arrangements for clarity op.

Oh and for pp, if there is a court order in place, it really IS your responsibility as a teacher to ensure that the child leaves with the correct parent on their contact time. Even if 30+ kids have similar arrangements.

Can2022getanyworse · 08/01/2023 13:35

Sorry, pressed post too soon -

For the pp who said it wasn't their responsibility as a teacher to refuse a parent with PR to collect their child - PR remains in place unless legally removed by court. There are myriad reasons why a parent with PR still may not access their children. Speak to your DSO and refresh your safeguarding training if you think PR means a parent can access dc willy-nilly. If a court order in place you need to uphold it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 14:04

Can2022getanyworse · 08/01/2023 13:35

Sorry, pressed post too soon -

For the pp who said it wasn't their responsibility as a teacher to refuse a parent with PR to collect their child - PR remains in place unless legally removed by court. There are myriad reasons why a parent with PR still may not access their children. Speak to your DSO and refresh your safeguarding training if you think PR means a parent can access dc willy-nilly. If a court order in place you need to uphold it.

To be fair to the PP who was a teacher that was said before mention of a court order with specific dates and the likes. So is accurate for what appeared at the time - without anything specific saying otherwise (and most of the orders often just say “EOW”) they can’t just stop someone with PR collecting on the say so of the other parent.

piedbeauty · 08/01/2023 14:31

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Why not? All you need to know is that her h didn't pick up the dd and then didn't care that the dd had been left waiting, possibly upset. He made a mistake then didn't rectify it.

Op said that he has form for this. I believe her. Why don't you?

piedbeauty · 08/01/2023 14:33

No, @Ponoka7, of course I don't mean that. I'd just like to see men being held to the same standards as women.

Op sounds like she's doing all she can to protect her dd.

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2023 14:42

Enko · 07/01/2023 09:01

Yes this.

Show quote history

They can put parent birthdays and Mothers' and Fathers' days in the CO

Then it's clear and no need for communication

artemiseritu · 08/01/2023 15:47

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Headabovetheparakeet · 08/01/2023 16:14

@artemiseritu

Oh hello op's ex! 😂😂😂

Crazycrazylady · 08/01/2023 17:03

Op.
To
Avoid a scene I think I'd collect her early next week citing a dentist appointment etc just in case he tries anything .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 18:02

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You’re giving a man you don’t know a lot of credit…

My ex has a court order that he stuck to for precisely 4 weeks.

Hes not being dumb not picking the DD up, he’s being manipulative.

Mollymoostoo · 08/01/2023 18:16

I'm not a solicitor but me and my DH successfully got a residence order and prohibited steps order without legal representation and his ex had a solicitor and barrister.
If he is registered on the birth cert, he has PR and school can't stop him from trying to take her from school without a PS order. Access arrangements are not enough. You can warn the school and ask them to call you if he turns up. My ex did this and the nursery stalled him by showing him the children's work whilst I got there.
You can apply for a PS order but need to have some proof that he isn't following the current order and refusing to return after contact. This means you need to contact the police when he refuses to return and go to court straight away.
If there is a history of DV, you can also use this as evidence of the manipulation.
Your family court website will have the forms and costs listed. You just fill them in with qs much detail as possible, screenshot of texts and other evidence and file them. The court usually issues an order for a set period and then expects both parents to attend court. But without evidence of issues, it is hard to get one.
Wishing you all the best. Don't swap dates, he will end up having your DD 2 weeks in a row and she needs consistency.

JanglyBeads · 08/01/2023 18:24

@artemiseritu I don't suppose you're involved with Fathers for Justice, are you?

Even if there is a court order and dates are defined, schools cannot stop someone with PR taking a child. They may stall them, at best.