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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not collecting child from school

307 replies

holbolbol · 07/01/2023 08:52

There is a court order in place for my DD (aged 5). On Friday, her father should have collected her from school for the weekend. The school rang me half an hour after closing to say that her dad had not collected her. He lives some distance away and luckily I was working from home and came straight away to collect her. I messaged her dad to say he was welcome to collect her from mine.

I strongly suspect this is not an oversight. Her dad has a habit of playing bizarre games like refusing to return her to me and other really malicious things. I suspect that he didn't collect her this weekend as it's his birthday next week and was trying to force a change in arrangements.

We have plans next weekend and I'm so furious he did this. What would you tell him? I need courage to be firm and boundaried because he's so manipulative. Would you say we're not changing weekends?

OP posts:
kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:14

He’s a jackass. Not your fault he can’t stick to an arrangement. I’m sure you’re a reasonable person so if he had asked to change in advance for something important you would have.

Tell him to do one and never leave a child alone waiting to be picked up ever! Actually, never give him the opportunity. Report to the courts and have his access removed.

a1poshpaws · 08/01/2023 22:13

Crunchymum · 07/01/2023 09:05

Did he ever contact you? Explain why he didn't collect? Has he asked for next weekend? I'd be going back to court if the fucker continues with this shit.

@holbolbol as @Crunchymum said,

"I'd be going back to court if the fucker continues with this shit."

This would be my advice also.

As to next weekend: it's yours as per the court order, So tell him to go play with the traffic if he whines to you, and as others said, prewarn the school that he is NOT to be allowed to collect her next weekend.

He's a manipulative tit.

ProhibitedSteps · 08/01/2023 22:15

Mollymoostoo · 08/01/2023 18:16

I'm not a solicitor but me and my DH successfully got a residence order and prohibited steps order without legal representation and his ex had a solicitor and barrister.
If he is registered on the birth cert, he has PR and school can't stop him from trying to take her from school without a PS order. Access arrangements are not enough. You can warn the school and ask them to call you if he turns up. My ex did this and the nursery stalled him by showing him the children's work whilst I got there.
You can apply for a PS order but need to have some proof that he isn't following the current order and refusing to return after contact. This means you need to contact the police when he refuses to return and go to court straight away.
If there is a history of DV, you can also use this as evidence of the manipulation.
Your family court website will have the forms and costs listed. You just fill them in with qs much detail as possible, screenshot of texts and other evidence and file them. The court usually issues an order for a set period and then expects both parents to attend court. But without evidence of issues, it is hard to get one.
Wishing you all the best. Don't swap dates, he will end up having your DD 2 weeks in a row and she needs consistency.

You can apply for a PS order but need to have some proof that he isn't following the current order

Incorrect. I did not need any proof of this as we didn't have any current order

mylifestory · 08/01/2023 22:38

U shdnt have msgd him and wait for him to come up with an excuse.
He's gaslignting u into believing he isn't in the wrong.
Read into narcissistic personality disorder, it will explain a lot to u

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 22:54

mylifestory · 08/01/2023 22:38

U shdnt have msgd him and wait for him to come up with an excuse.
He's gaslignting u into believing he isn't in the wrong.
Read into narcissistic personality disorder, it will explain a lot to u

She was right to message him.

her ex now can’t say, if it is part of any proceedings, “Oh I was lying in my bed ill and she knew I was missing and just ignored it to play games”

He’s put down in the reply that he wasn’t collecting and had no intention of. He’s also shown zero care toward their DD with not even a “shit we’ve mixed up weeks, is X ok?”

mandlerparr · 08/01/2023 22:55

haha, this is hilarious. There are men who spend thousands to get full custody only to turn around and immediately give the kids to their mom or bring them back to the kids mom a few weeks or months later. There are men who NEVER show up to get their kids on their shared custody or visitation days. Or come once a year or once every few years. Usually while whining about how the mom has turned the kids against him.

HardToKnowWhatToDo · 08/01/2023 23:00

Well it's a shame he missed out on the time he was supposed to have her, due to his own failure to collect her when he was supposed to.

I actually think the big issue here is how DD may have felt when he did not arrive to collect her when he was supposed to.

If you swap weekends you are basically enabling this behaviour. He doesn't show up, he doesn't see her. Hopefully he will learn that and stop messing around with her time.

I'd do what you were supposed to do and don't let him 'make up' extra time - that will only encourage him messing DD around.

T1Dmama · 09/01/2023 01:15

You send him a message saying ‘You forgot this weekend was yours? Hope all is ok… your next weekend is now Friday 20th. Can’t swap as we have plans!
and you tell school no one else but you can pick DC up till 20th…. Get to the school super early this coming Friday as he will likely turn up and try to collect!

Firefaery · 09/01/2023 08:31

Stick to the order. I'm sure the school are aware, so perhaps have a brief word to confirm the situation and reassure them.

If he continues to behave inconsistently and DD is affected, you might consider asking court to vary the order. Refusing to return a child is another matter entirely, get a Family solicitor to give you advice moving forward. This is serious.

You can refuse any suggestion from him to change arrangements between yourselves to suit his plans. I would expect him to do it again, so have cover ready for school pick ups etc until matters settle.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 09:47

Don’t say anything. Just report it to the court/solicitor that he isn’t sticking to the court order.

Baublebonkers · 09/01/2023 10:03

The worst part of this is how your child felt when her dad didn’t pick her up from school.

drspouse · 09/01/2023 10:10

T1Dmama · 09/01/2023 01:15

You send him a message saying ‘You forgot this weekend was yours? Hope all is ok… your next weekend is now Friday 20th. Can’t swap as we have plans!
and you tell school no one else but you can pick DC up till 20th…. Get to the school super early this coming Friday as he will likely turn up and try to collect!

Is there a concern he would try to pick her up midweek (assuming he doesn't normally have a midweek day)?

THEDEACON · 09/01/2023 16:20

Make sure YOU stick to the letter of the court order Do not put up with his games and manipulation attempts EVER

CrazyLadie · 09/01/2023 22:08

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/01/2023 14:05

Checking in wyfg him was the right thing to do.

otherwise if it came up later he could have claimed to be ill and the OP would have looked like she was just playing games.

When my ex pulled those stunts I messaged giving him an hour to contact me or id call the police to check on him. It forced him to say in writing by message that he was fine. It showed the court he was a feckless waster when I went back rather than confused or ill or working or whatever.

Show quote history

This is pure genius!!!! Tou are my kind of person 😉🥰

Lulu49 · 10/01/2023 08:57

With regards to a court order for access arrangements the only person who has to stick to it is the parent the child lives with. They have to make the child available on the designated times but the absent parent doesn’t have to pick them up.

piedbeauty · 10/01/2023 10:24

Lulu49 · 10/01/2023 08:57

With regards to a court order for access arrangements the only person who has to stick to it is the parent the child lives with. They have to make the child available on the designated times but the absent parent doesn’t have to pick them up.

Is this accurate? If so, why? Why not hold both parents to the same standard?

SpacersChoice · 10/01/2023 11:00

piedbeauty · 10/01/2023 10:24

Is this accurate? If so, why? Why not hold both parents to the same standard?

Show quote history

Because fuck single mothers, that’s why.

drspouse · 10/01/2023 11:01

I'm assuming the NRP also has to make the child available to go back to the RP?

SpacersChoice · 10/01/2023 11:03

drspouse · 10/01/2023 11:01

I'm assuming the NRP also has to make the child available to go back to the RP?

Yes, but if they don’t, the RP has to spend more money going back to court to get the child returned, this can take weeks and cause damage to the child in the meantime.

RPs have no recourse when it comes to NRPs not picking up, not sticking to the order and generally continuing to dick them around.

sashadjas · 10/01/2023 11:22

How awful that your DD is being used as a weapon by her own father! If he breaches the terms of the court order, he's breaking the law - is he aware of this, because if he is he obviously doesn't believe you'll report him. Show the school office the court order, and good luck!🍀xxx

FlashAhhh · 10/01/2023 15:05

RPs have no recourse when it comes to NRPs not picking up, not sticking to the order and generally continuing to dick them around.

Unless there is a power of arrest attached to the court order. I had this with my ex and if he attempted to take them from school or not give them back, the police had the power to arrest him and return the children to myself.

SpacersChoice · 10/01/2023 15:40

FlashAhhh · 10/01/2023 15:05

RPs have no recourse when it comes to NRPs not picking up, not sticking to the order and generally continuing to dick them around.

Unless there is a power of arrest attached to the court order. I had this with my ex and if he attempted to take them from school or not give them back, the police had the power to arrest him and return the children to myself.

Do the police actually do it though? They’ve always refused with my sisters, forcing her back to court despite the POA attached. Bonkers.

FlashAhhh · 10/01/2023 15:43

They should do @SpacersChoice. That's the whole point of the POA.
If it is just a court order then no, they would consider it a civil family matter, but a POA makes it a criminal offence to take or retain the children giving the police the powers to arrest the perpetrator.
I know this because my ex was arrested for trying to take mine from school, even though he had parental responsibility, the POA and court order overrules it.

SpacersChoice · 10/01/2023 15:53

FlashAhhh · 10/01/2023 15:43

They should do @SpacersChoice. That's the whole point of the POA.
If it is just a court order then no, they would consider it a civil family matter, but a POA makes it a criminal offence to take or retain the children giving the police the powers to arrest the perpetrator.
I know this because my ex was arrested for trying to take mine from school, even though he had parental responsibility, the POA and court order overrules it.

I’m sorry that the order and POA wasn’t enough to stop him being a cunt, I am really tired of this type of man.

It’s been really stressful. We all thought that the POA would mean that even if it didn’t deter him, my niece would be back ASAP. Twice now. And all it does it give him more confidence and make him even worse.

Lachimolala · 11/01/2023 03:35

What @SpacersChoice said. It’s infuriating that my ex can just choose to not pick up our children meaning my ability to work, study and live is impacted literally most weeks.

Its so frustrating and there nothing I can do expect keep documenting it and one day take him back to court and hopefully get a penal notice attached to our CAO or modify it so he doesn’t have that contact.