To feel uneasy about these texts I received tonight? Photos attached

[backtomeagain]

I share a 9 year old daughter with my ex, he is a good dad and we get on fine. My daughter has her friend over for a sleepover tonight - all going well then I received this text from my ex. He hasn't responded since the last message shown and isn't answering his phone.

I am wracking my brains for what it could possibly be. She has a phone she uses sometimes in my house to face time her friends etc but I go through that and there's nothing and her dad doesn't have it at his house. Im so confused by what he means and feeling quite frustrated he's said something like this and now not responding.

I’m in full support of the spin it around on him.

“You were right. It’s just awful”. And keep up with vague comments like that.

Obviously keep an eye on the girls, as I'm sure you would have done anyway, but considering your ex seems like a class-A bellend,I do think you're right that he's trying to wind you up and heighten your anxiety by keeping you in suspense, so replies like this would wind him up: 😉

(Just a completely hypothetical conversation of course, hopefully just to give you a giggle)

You - "I've read between the lines of your messages and I completely get what you're trying to say. Thanks for the heads up."
Him - "But I've not told you what to look out for, only that you need to listen out for something"
You - "Don't worry, no explanation needed. I got what you were trying to say and will listen out".
Him - "What will you be listening out for though?! I've not told you?"
You - "No need, your texts were very clear and made perfect sense. I'm now doing my own investigations into the matter - will let you know once my first lines of inquiries are finished".
Him - "What investigations?"
You - "Top secret, cannot disclose at this time. Only respond by carrier-pigeon from now on, they might have your phone bugged. Stay safe, I'll protect the girls."

It would send him insane if he had been trying to vaguely wind you up with a non-issue (that may or may not even exist) only for you to turn around and play him at his own game (while making a total mockery out of him). Wouldn't recommend actually doing this as it might strain co-parenting relations but it's funny to imagine.

He doesn’t sound well to me.

Why doesn’t he just tell her the information that he has?

He is basically telling her to eavesdrop on his daughter and her friend for the whole time of the sleepover!

What should be an enjoyable evening for her with some space to herself whilst the girls amuse themselves is now ruined as she is left worrying about what has happened!

Why doesn’t he just tell her the information that he has?

He wanted to get confirmation of his suspicions from her. I thought it was a pretty straightforward request.

Any update op?

Feel like I can't carry on with work now until op updates!

As tempting as it is to do this please don’t - it just engages him and prolongs the behaviour.

It is totally about control, being a drama llama and having u dangling on a string. The only way to stop this behaviour is to ignore him. Every time. Your attention is what feeds him IMO.

it’s like a naughty child chucking things around to get attention - as hard as it is the only way to break the pattern is to walk away and merrily get on with something else to make them realise they will get absolutely nothing from you if they behave like that.

It's a control thing, makes him feel powerful. He knows exactly what he's doing and which buttons to press. He'll be getting a big kick out of your response and knowing that you are anxious. Ignore him.

Was he controlling when you were together?

😂 Well done on this conversation! What a way to turn the tables 😂

This!

I think he's toying with you. I mean there might be an issue to address but he's certainly enjoying having you dangling on his string.

I'm going to be honest and say you are dancing to his tune. The longer text you sent telling him how confused you are and the scenarios going through your head are just the jackpot to him. He's laughing at you.

I’m with the turn it back on him camp - you could say something like “OMG I see what you mean - it is truly terrible!!” But don’t spend your evening eavesdropping on the girls - that’s no fun for anyone

Perhaps text him:

Classic case!!
Plan in place.
Be on standby - time will tell.
.
And don't text again for a week.

Hi all, so I went to his house to see his 'evidence'.

The concern was actually about our daughter being bullied. She had an issue last year with a little boy who called her 'a greedy pig' however this was dealt with.

So her dad presented me a Xmas card from said little boy, on the front of the card was a cartoon pic of a pig with 'time to pig out' written above it.

Next thing was daughter had drawn (she's into drawing and constantly sketching) a picture of an eye with speech bubbles around it saying 'you're stupid' 'DO IT!!!' 'No one cares' and then 'help' was written in the pupil of the eye.

The third was a drawing she had done which looks like a woman smoking a cigarette with bruises on her face.

He said he was going through her room last night and found these and has decided she may be getting bullied...

I asked her about the pictures (even though he told me not to as he needed to gather more evidence before approaching it in a certain way) and she was nonchalant about it and just said there was no reason behind it and the eye one was just about a girl being bullied but not relating to her.

He's being ridiculous isn't he? Daughter doesn't tell us much or open up so he reckons that she is expressing her feelings through art and crying out for help.

Hmm, actually I would want to dig a bit given all that. The card would concern me as would the eye. Not saying they mean something is definitely wrong but I’d be checking in with her more than just once, and also in general ways (so not just “what does this eye mean?” but trying to get her to open up a bit about school and life unrelated to the picture).

His way of communicating his concerns is still odd though!

The way he went about it was bizarre but actually the things he showed you and her 'nonchalant' response would worry me, yes.

I asked her about the pictures (even though he told me not to as he needed to gather more evidence before approaching it in a certain way) and she was nonchalant about it and just said there was no reason behind it and the eye one was just about a girl being bullied but not relating to her.

I wouldn't believe that to be honest @backtomeagain . It sounds like she's trying to fob you off. The pics sound like she's depressed. It can be hard to get teens to open up to parents. I would keep trying to talk to her about how she's feeling frequently- make it very clear you care and try and encourage her to tell you about what she's going through. Do this more than you're currently doing (I'm not saying you don't currently do it, but it seems like she's not opening up to you at the moment, so it needs even more attempts/efforts.)

My parents used to ask how school was when I came through the door from school, but it always seemed like a token effort and not genuine. So I would just say 'ok' or something and go upto my room rather than tell them about my suicidal depression etc. (This is just a 'for example.')

The eye sounds concerning, especially if your daughter is emotionally sensitive/sophisticated enough to feign nonchalance.

I was one of the only PPs to sort of understand his viewpoint. He kept saying "show", and actually I thought he might have social media screenshots or something he didn't want you rushing to confront your daughter/her friend about.

He may be aware of being more emotionally nuanced/ridiculous in general, and didn't want you rushing in prematurely to make your daughter close up. And showing your daughter all this "evidence" may also make her feel intruded upon.

Apologies if I sound one sided, though I think more neutral language than many PPs... Again to reference my mum, this conversation sounded like it took place between me and her! And she would absolutely ignore me and do things her way immediately just to reassure herself.

And straight away dismiss his concerns as "ridiculous" based on a brief Q&A.

Again intepreting this template based on familiar interaction style with certain kind of person I know, with whom I prefer to undertake important conversations in person. I think fair as PPs obviously viewing it through lens of "controlling" people they know.

Typo: emotionally nuanced/observant, sorry

actually i think that is very concerning. and of course she would say it has nothing to do with her and its JUST a drawing etc but those arnt things a 9 year old just draws.

Whilst I do think he is right to be concerned and it does need investigating (especially the card that does need dealing with) he has been a prize twat about speaking to you about it. Seems like he has used it to play some sort of stupid control game with you. He could easily have just phoned you to tell you what he found and sent you pictures. I think he did do it on purpose and I would be saying next time dont piss about playing games just tell me straight up.

I think he went about it bizarrely and could have just asked to call you when the girls were playing in her bedroom but the things he has raised with the cars and the drawings are of concern.

He sounds like a drama llama but I agree your DD may well be crying out for help.