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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

241 replies

reddwarfgeek · 05/01/2023 18:18

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:36

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 16:29

Indeed

Show quote history

Ok, good to know that perhaps your view is presumably based on…. Dozens of close friends that have no siblings? hundreds? Thousands??! 😂

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:37

Sorry I missed…. How many children do you have @BabyOnBoard90 ?

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:44

Most odd that pjs thread entitled “AIBU to be envious of one child families”
@BabyOnBoard90 posts

There's something incredibly unfair about bringing children into the world and regretting their existence.

and yet on this thread your view seems to be pop out a second otherwise you’re going to have a selfish self absorbed child.

oh and you have one child, 7 months.

Fingers crossed you go on to have a second otherwise I suspect you’ll be very concerned how your poorly lonely selfish onesie will do

HamBone · 06/01/2023 16:45

Realistically, we all make our choices based on our own experiences and the position we’re in. If someone had a shit time with their siblings, or a great time as an only, they’ll feel completely differently on the subject!

All we can do is the best we can for our child/children and try to make life as good as it can be for them.

IMHO, Having an uninterested or selfish parent, for example, is far worse than whether you have siblings or not.

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:46

I have two and very happy with two and would have loved a third

I can from three and adore my siblings

but I have the… breadth of vision not to make such daft generalisations as @BabyOnBoard90 about those without siblings.

Violashift · 06/01/2023 16:59

I have one dd nearly 15. I was a bit like you in the younger stages but now at 43 I have more of my life back as do my friends with multiple kids now at uni.

Give it untik they are teenagers then it won't matter as much.

I still find baby/ toddler talk constantly very boring.

Liveafr · 06/01/2023 19:56

UnaOfStormhold · 05/01/2023 20:47

There's a book called Parenting an only child by Susan somebody which I found very helpful in getting over the guilt of not having a second (we had fertility problems so were incredibly lucky to have our first). There's lots in there about the possible advantages having an only child and what you can do to compensate for the potential disadvantages.

Thanks for the book recommendation (although I'm not the op, I have my own questioning). That does look like an interesting and useful read.

avocadotofu · 06/01/2023 19:59

I absolutely know how you feel. I only have DS4 and sometimes I really feel guilty about it because have one suits me on lots of levels.

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 21:14

Goodgrief82 · 06/01/2023 16:46

I have two and very happy with two and would have loved a third

I can from three and adore my siblings

but I have the… breadth of vision not to make such daft generalisations as @BabyOnBoard90 about those without siblings.

Oh wow 4 quotes.

I mean you're a stranger on the net so I genuinely care more about my next bowel movement than your kids and opinion, but good for you.

Keepingitmoving · 06/01/2023 23:40

Hate people asking when you are having another. I always wanted more than 1 child but after having several miscarriages before and after our first we didn’t know if it would happen. It is no one’s business but your own!! I totally get your thoughts but I genuinely believe there are benefits of having multiple children; sibling support for one. I had a brother who died 5 years ago at 29. My mum has just come home today from a long term hospital stay. The pressure I’ve been under trying to deal with my mother’s illness alone has been immense and, despite having great support from family and friends, I have never missed my brother being around more than I have over the last few months 😢

JuneDays · 06/01/2023 23:59

YNBU.

If someone I didn't know asked me that question, they'd find me in tears as a result.

Mamma2017 · 07/01/2023 06:25

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 10:37

The most common thing is

  • they are all about themselves and struggle to feign genuine interest in the lives of others, and even when they do the subject matter is quickly unintentionally diverted back to them.
  • They're also not the most confrontational, and either shy away from conflict or have poor approaches to conflict resolution. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people this AM.
  • They don't like sharing things most don't care about. Conversely expect you to share things most wouldn't ask you to share.

I remember this became a subject matter on holiday in Thailand, and my best friend was shocked and offended that we all agreed they had only child tendencies. The VERY next morning I asked my friend how they had found the holiday so far, after they answered I then proceeded to ask others at the breakfast table. My friend literally piped up and said "I just already told you?!" I said "... I know.... But there are other people on the table Ms OC". Which gave us all a good chuckle.

Of course I can't generalise to everyone, this is just my anecdotal experience, my partner has made very similar observations, and insists we have a minimum of 2 kids. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people and be quoted a thousand times.

Show quote history

And Iv experienced the exact opposite of this at the best of times. And it’s interesting you make the hugely sweeping assumptions that these things directly relate to the fact they are only Children and not to the multitude of varying reasons that create/shape personality. The whole kaleidoscope of reasons- the varied life experience. You simply write this all off because you know (as their personal psychologists presumably) they ARE how they ARE because they are only children! You and your DH clearly match well! 🤣 Judgemental bollocks, unintelligent and extreme short sightedness. People like you are the reason there is STIGMA because you make sweeping assumptions and generalisations.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 07:09

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 21:14

Oh wow 4 quotes.

I mean you're a stranger on the net so I genuinely care more about my next bowel movement than your kids and opinion, but good for you.

Show quote history

Bizarre

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 09:26

Mamma2017 · 07/01/2023 06:25

And Iv experienced the exact opposite of this at the best of times. And it’s interesting you make the hugely sweeping assumptions that these things directly relate to the fact they are only Children and not to the multitude of varying reasons that create/shape personality. The whole kaleidoscope of reasons- the varied life experience. You simply write this all off because you know (as their personal psychologists presumably) they ARE how they ARE because they are only children! You and your DH clearly match well! 🤣 Judgemental bollocks, unintelligent and extreme short sightedness. People like you are the reason there is STIGMA because you make sweeping assumptions and generalisations.

Show quote history

Ad hominem

Mamma2017 · 07/01/2023 09:50

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 09:26

Ad hominem

Show quote history

Nope. I’m addressing the notion you reference that those characteristics are because someone is an only child.

adayinparis · 07/01/2023 09:55

My Mum was one of five, she was the third girl and no one cared if she existed or not, they just wanted a boy. Her parents went onto have two boys after. So she was completely in the middle. She hated growing up in a large family and chose to have one child. I love my Mum more than anything and have learnt so much from her, as I’ve grown older (I’m nearly 40 now), I actually think it was a gift being her only child.

Its okay to have shit family dynamics that stop you from wanting more than one child. Lots of people I know absolutely hate their siblings or hated being in a big family. People talk about it being selfish to have one child, but it’s so selfish to keep having kids to get the gender you want and then for the child before them to know their only ‘crime’ was that they weren’t a boy or a girl. Equally, it’s selfish to bring lots of kids into the world you can’t care for properly financially or emotionally. True love would be to say I can give everything to one, and to do that. And the child will learn their Mum tried to give them the best. They’ll learn about true giving, I’m not talking about the juvenile ‘sharing of toys’, I’m talking about giving love.

TimBoothseyes · 07/01/2023 10:05

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 10:37

The most common thing is

  • they are all about themselves and struggle to feign genuine interest in the lives of others, and even when they do the subject matter is quickly unintentionally diverted back to them.
  • They're also not the most confrontational, and either shy away from conflict or have poor approaches to conflict resolution. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people this AM.
  • They don't like sharing things most don't care about. Conversely expect you to share things most wouldn't ask you to share.

I remember this became a subject matter on holiday in Thailand, and my best friend was shocked and offended that we all agreed they had only child tendencies. The VERY next morning I asked my friend how they had found the holiday so far, after they answered I then proceeded to ask others at the breakfast table. My friend literally piped up and said "I just already told you?!" I said "... I know.... But there are other people on the table Ms OC". Which gave us all a good chuckle.

Of course I can't generalise to everyone, this is just my anecdotal experience, my partner has made very similar observations, and insists we have a minimum of 2 kids. There are other traits but I'm not in the mood to offend people and be quoted a thousand times.

Show quote history

You have just described my elder sister....who is obviously not an only child. The person who is as far removed from your description as it's possible to be is my DD, who is an only child.

bellinisurge · 07/01/2023 10:10

For health reasons, I only have one child. That's how the cookie crumbled for us. Anyone judges any of us on the basis that we "only" have one, fuck 'em. Happy to swap my life changing condition (diagnosed after dd was born) for another child so if any judgy dickhead knows how to , go ahead. I'll even let you keep the Nobel prize money for your discovery.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 10:11

I remember this became a subject matter on holiday in Thailand, and my best friend was shocked and offended that we all agreed they had only child tendencies

and on the basis of this shitty exchange, your “best friend” (wonder if she regards her as her best friend! 😂) will have the impression that those with siblings are thoughtless and like to bully up against people.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 10:12

You give those of us with siblings @BabyOnBoard90 a bad name! 😂

smileladiesplease · 07/01/2023 10:17

Your business op. I think it's harder just having one so I had 4 😂 but my grandson will be an only snd he's perfectly fine. No one else's business

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 10:34

Yes I certainly don’t think single child families took the easy option!

I am a single parent and, for example, last summer holiday gone…. I kicked back on the lounger and devoured book after book whilst my two spent the entire time in the pool and playing table tennis. If they hadn’t had each other, I would have spent a great deal of time in the pool (shudder) and a lot of table tennis, which would have ended badly because I’m shite and they are each brilliant!

malificent7 · 07/01/2023 10:43

I love having one. If people question me I will probably be an annoying cow and say " better for the environment."
In reality it's because I like my career,money and headspace too much. Who cares if that makes me selfish?

malificent7 · 07/01/2023 10:45

When they are a teen your only goes out with their multitude of mates and voila....lots of free time again... bliss!

TimBoothseyes · 07/01/2023 10:47

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 10:34

Yes I certainly don’t think single child families took the easy option!

I am a single parent and, for example, last summer holiday gone…. I kicked back on the lounger and devoured book after book whilst my two spent the entire time in the pool and playing table tennis. If they hadn’t had each other, I would have spent a great deal of time in the pool (shudder) and a lot of table tennis, which would have ended badly because I’m shite and they are each brilliant!

My 1 DD was either around her friends house or her friend was around here......l had loads of time to myself. The (few) times it was just me and her I could afford to take her places and do stuff we never could had there been more than 1 to pay for.