To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

[reddwarfgeek]

I probably am being massively U here but still. Absolutely sick of hearing things about only children being lonely selfish, etc. It gives me anxiety.
I know some amazing only children . And I know some selfish bastards people who can't compromise who have many siblings. Why does this stuff continue to be peddled out?
Everywhere I go people ask me about having a second baby. I'm sure it's not to internationally upset me but after 5 years I just don't know what to say anymore. Had enough of it.

Lots of second babies have been announced this last week on social media. Even though I am pretty sure I don't think want another ...I feel pangs of sadness when I see this. Of course I'm happy for them. It's just hard to see sometimes.

1 child suits some families better. Some women, like myself, feel they can't effectively parent more than 1 child and that's ok. I know my limitations. But then I happy families with 3 or 4 children and wonder how the hell they manage.
The truth, as you can probably tell, is that I'm not quite at peace with 'only' having 1. I wish I could be, maybe it will happen in time. However there are many many reasons why having an only child suits us better and why I'll almost certainly stick with one.
I'm not particularly maternal, have poor MH and my partner nor my parents are helpful. All taboo subjects you can't admit to in RL.

I feel lonely regarding other mums at school. There are some lovely mums but they also often ask me when I'm having another. There are some only child mums but most are considerably younger than me.

I've started to gravitate towards my childfree friends, of which I'm fortunate to have plenty, and they talk about other things. I'm careful not to constantly talk about DD in their company. It's nice to be myself and not judge on my number of children.

I feel like I don't fit in to many social circles now and I wonder if anyone can relate? I'm 37, nearly 38 by the way.

This topic has been done to death, and for sounding horrible and bitter I can only apologise 🙈

Actually having another baby is purely for the benefit of the parents - not the existing child. When my parents had my brother I absolutely hated it, as prior to that I had their full attention/praise/time/money etc etc. My own daughter is even jealous of my relationship with our dog and would hate to have a baby sibling which would mean I would have less time for her/her activities

This is odd. Loads of kids love having siblings. I remember when my sister was born and my dad picked me up from school and told me...I remember jumping up and down with joy. Some of my best memories from childhood are related to my sister. Why is extra time with parents seen as better than having time with siblings? Actually I wish my parents had had more children. I wouldn't have wanted to swop my sister for extra parental attention at all.

As well as ensuring they have good extended family ties, it's also really important to ensure that you're as independent as possible when you get older. I think that's true for everyone, tbh, but it's especially hard to be an only child dealing with a difficult elderly parent. I'm right in the thick of it now and it's so hard not having anyone else to even discuss matters with.

My DH is one of four and he'll never go through what I'm currently dealing with.

Just being completely honest about it.

As well as ensuring they have good extended family ties

True...but the thing is in order to have extended family, you need people to have multiple children. So if you have an only child, ok, they may have aunts, uncles and cousins, but if they grow up and marry another only child then future generations are going to miss out on have extended family. You only get a wider extended family if people have more than one child.

My friend has an only child, he has aunts, uncles and cousins but his future kids might not...depends on if he marries a woman with siblings.

My best friend has 4 brothers, none of them help at all with their elderly and ill parents. They won’t engage in any conversations, never show up, do absolutely nothing at all. Not been seen in years. My friend (female) is carrying the entire burden. But the inheritance will go 5 ways you can guarantee!
Siblings don’t necessarily make any difference at all.

DH has a brother and sister, they have been NC for 30 years with their father (who is an arsehole I admit). DH won’t get any support there either.

@Baconand Of course there’ll always be extreme situations like those you’re describing, but that’s not usual. Most families share the load to some extent.

All I’m saying is that when you’re an only like me, everything really is down to you so as the parent, you must try to minimize the strain. Some people will be lucky with healthy, easy-going parents who sort themselves out; others aren’t so lucky. I’ve joked recently that I need to clone myself as it’s so hard to keep everything going.

I don't hold with this 'I'm having more than one child so my only doesn't have to be alone when I die' stuff.

I've seen many examples of siblings causing problems in this scenario.

When my parents die, it'll fall to me as my brother has no sense or the ability to do anything helpful.
When my grandparents died, my uncle and his wife tried to steal money and possessions that were left to her from my mother.
MIL is one of 8. With little exception she was the sole carer for her elderly parents. None of her siblings lived that far away either.
When FIL died, my BIL robbed his money from his bedroom that was meant to be split 3 ways.
My best friend, when her uncle died, it was down to my friends mum to sort things out as his children hated each other and could barely be in the same room.

Maybe I'm focusing on the negatives but it certainly is not unusual for things to be like this in families with siblings.

I can reassure you that it does get better. I have an only by choice. I discovered when I had a baby that I don't enjoy babies! It's a bit of flippant under-statement. Having a baby is HARD and my baby was sick and screamed all the time and never slept and it was Mega HARD. TTC was also tough for us and gave me some proper anxiety. We had some losses that also impacted my MH.
I'd always seen myself having two and when DD was 2 we started trying again and my anxiety ramped up and I realised I just couldn't go through with it. I was going to be miserable for years and that would impact DD and so DH and I said no more.

Oh the people trying to convince me I'd change my mind. It was never ending. I had a great GP though who told me she had been an only and loved it and fitted my coil despite the previous one refusing as I'd "be wanting it back out again any moment to try for no. 2". I had a few stock phrases I'd use when people asked me when number 2 was coming along or say how sorry they felt for poor DD being all lonely.

DD will be 12 this month and the nagging stopped when I got divorced (she was 7). Suddenly I was too old to start again (I'm 45 now). She is the absolutely apple of my eye. She has never wanted a sibling. She is not spoiled or lonely. She is funny and sassy and chatty and slightly obsessed with frogs at the moment. She is independent but loving and we cuddle up on the sofa every evening and talk about our days. Having an only isn't for everyone but neither is having a brood. I am delighted I stuck with my decision and I think I did the best for me but also for DD. I don't envy those with 2 or more kids (nor do I think bad things about them - each to their own).

Stick with it and eventually everyone stops nagging you!

@reddwarfgeek With those family stories, I'm not surprised you're sticking with one!

All I'm saying is mindful of your choices so that your child doesn't end up stretched thin trying to juggle their own life and yours, it really is hard. All parents should do this to ensure that our children aren't in that position -I've got two and I don't want this happening to them either.

@Comedycook Yes, my children don't have any cousins as DH's siblings have chosen to be childfree.

There is something very enjoyable about showering your only child with love* in a way that wouldn't be possible with 2+.

Not that you love them more, just that you can tell them they are your favourite and you do get more time together. I always think this at bedtime, they don't have to share my time or cuddles.

I'm a great parent of one and I'd be an alright parent of two.

• not in a weird way, in a nurturing age-appropriate way that meets their needs. I'm not looking for them to live their life with me forever. And I don't think a one size family fits everyone so whilst one suits me, it's not for everyone. I imagine my only may have more children than me but that's because they have good, secure attachment and healthy confidence from their happy childhood.

I have a friend who's parents are both only children. Consequently he has no aunts, uncles or cousins. His grandparents are dead. His only family therefore are his aging parents. Luckily he has one sibling who is married with a child but if he had been an only child then once his parents are dead, he'd have no relatives left.

@Comedycook Without meaning to sound fatalistic...why is that such an issue?
Does he have friends/colleagues/his own partner and children?

I'm not hugely close to my family so maybe I'm projecting. But if my parents and my brother died (possibly, as my bro is an addict as I've mentioned previously) I'd be alone in terms of family too as my father is an only and my mum was adopted and we don't see her brother as they live at the other end of the country and always have done. I saw my cousins as a child but tbh I wouldn't know them if I fell over them now. Never known my uncle at all really.

@reddwarfgeek I have a smallish family. I wish I had more relatives. People on these boards often talk about family events and family parties. I don't really have enough relatives to make a party! I know everyone on here seems to hate their families but from my own experiences and observations, families often provide that unconditional support you don't always get from friends and give you a sense of roots and stability.

@Comedycook I'm from a small family too and we sort of keep ourselves to ourselves. My partner is from a large family and when we first got together the family parties they had, although fun, were a shock to the system 😅 They are all very close and although it can be nice it does have its negatives.

It is interesting to me that 3 of the 4 have an only child each (1 is childfree at the moment). DD does have cousins, 1 significantly older but one girl who is similar age at 3. I don't think they will be having any more DC (I don't ask of course) so in a very selfish way it's comforting that hopefully DD and her cousin will be a friend for each other. They are pretty close at the moment.

Cousins are sometimes underrated as potential friends. My eldest cousin, who’s nine years older than me, is the one I’m closest to now, he’s a lovely person.

You have known “many” that have no siblings and been close enough to even to have observed the traits you outline above 🤔

I remember this became a subject matter on holiday in Thailand, and my best friend was shocked and offended that we all agreed they had only child tendencies

who needs “best friends” that have a round table about your short comings.

Absolutely and if you have an only child you are potentially denying your future grandchildren of having cousins.

This

That is one heck of an awful history.

Meanwhile here… my siblings were invaluable support when our parents passed. Such fond memories of being with them and turning sad and stressful times into giggling at childhood memories and taking the piss out of each other

This issue is so black and white to some that I wonder how on earth that get on in life with such tunnel vision.

I had siblings and adore them and can’t imagine a childhood without them. And now… my friends

I have two and my two… absolutely love one another. Different sexes, similar ages, argue, debate, laugh, play, joke, loll around together over the weekends in their pjs watching films.

so worked for me and my children
for some it doesn’t

🤷‍♀️

Our siblings bar one are all overseas so they will never be able to play with cousins anyway. they would probably meet every three years for my DH's side of the family (DH's sisters never come back to the UK and we have to meet them in their grandfather's country; they would have nowhere to stay when their 90 year old grandfather passes on and it is likely we may see them even less). I see my sister every year as we have more disposable income to fly to Asia but its still not very often (not sure if my sister would have children!)

One big reason why I am reluctant to have more than one is that my DH has 3 sisters and his youngest (only one left in the UK) has Aspergers so would probably be homeless after his mum passes on and the house is sold to pay for care. I am really not looking forward to living with her and hope that I can buy her a property to live in (my child can stay there for free if he can't afford to rent or buy in London). If i only have one child, i could just buy a 2 bed flat. 3 bed flats would be a lot more expensive. It is what it is, would rather conserve resources for the living rather than bank my hopes on hypothetical blissful relationships. Real life problems take precedence surely.

Indeed

@Comedycook Maybe true about cousins. Truthfully I've never really thought of it like that as I barely know my cousins.

To be sick of societal expectations and 'only children' prejudices

I can honestly say that I never really encountered this. I was 41 when DD was born, and on the odd occasion that people asked if I was having any more I just told them I couldn't have any more children (which was true). It pretty much shut the conversation down.

I never felt judged for only having one (fertility issues).

@XmasElf10 Thank you for your wonderful upbeat post.
So happy to read your story, and your DD sounds awesome!
When DD is 12 I'll be 45 too so I'm looking forward to that stage :)