Moved to rural area and hate it

[Ruralmumof3boys]

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

That's really tough. Neither of you is being unreasonable (although the fact that the driving falls to you is hard; does he pull his weight in other ways?)

Would moving to a village or small town in the area help, or is it Dublin you're craving?

I'm not sure moving to a village is a possibility. We could possibly rent somewhere if there was something available but there isn't and I know we could move back to our house in dublin

Maybe I'll check out other areas and see thanks

Both myself and my husband have worked really hard for our properties and we rent the one in dublin. This comment is unnecessary and just mean 😒

That’s a tough situation. Do you think it will seem better in the spring? Winter in the country can be bleak, I know from long experience.

That’s a shame. Sounds like my idea of heaven! Life’s too short to live somewhere that you don’t like though so you are YANBU. You have a property in Dublin right? Can you afford to reclaim it and live there for half of the week?

Living in the countryside and being the sole driver with 3 children is NOT something I would entertain.

I think you need to think about your future and not allow things to drift.

Or would buying an automatic car making driving easier for your DH?

Trying to think outside the box 🤔

Thanks so much everyone for all the replies the husband does do a bit at home but I definitely think I need to decide what I want to do. I just want to keep everyone happy which is probably not going to happen

The kids are still in school so we need to be based in one place or another full time but I would be open to visiting the countryside. I think because I enjoyed the time here on short occasions I was willing to try full time rural living but the novelty of the quiet has well and truly worn off

The WiFi is also shocking bad 🤣🤣

That is a challenge. How old, what stage are the children as another move needs to be timed?

If you can identify a practical time to move back then I would say it needs to happen. Your DH living his best life when you are miserable and the sole driver is not sustainable, resentment will set in

We moved from London to an old, draughty house in the country so I understand a lot of what you’re saying. Some of your issues with the house will definitely improve in the Spring/summer, but that doesn’t make the winter any easier. I also have a husband who shares the driving.
After 3 years in a remote property, we moved to a small country town. It solved a lot of the issues with driving and people to chat to. But nowhere is perfect.
When your children are a bit older they may want to move back to Dublin so I can see why you might be reluctant to sell in order to buy a better house in the country. 2 years isn’t a long time - is it possible your DH is still in the honeymoon period and will miss city life after a few more years?

Our eldest is due to start secondary school next September so I think that would be a good time to move maybe over the summer and then that same September I'd have one going into 6th class and the little one going into 3rd class. The middle one is all for going back and being in 6th class with his old friends

I just don't see the husband moving back at all and then what do I do? Its such an awkward situation to be in 😔

We moved to the countryside 3 years ago. It is a more solitary existence and although I love it, I enjoy the city buzz when I get the opportunity. In our community many people have a small city apartment to use for trips, doctors visits, shopping etc. and they like that balance of city life and country living. Many simply don’t enjoy full time country living. Could you sell the Dublin house and get an apartment where you could all spend the odd weekend (hopefully more affordable than a house which is standing vacant)? Or could you make more regular visits to your family? Can the kids cycle to their friends instead of you playing taxi so they are a bit less reliant on you so you can take a weekend off and go to Dublin?

Thanks for your response I definitely don't think he'll miss the city life he's happy not seeing anyone from one end of the week to another

The summer isn't as bad as the weather is nice but not sure I want to rough it out just for those couple of weeks when it's nice out and trying to entertain the kids is a nightmare during the summer

In dublin we lived in a normal 3 bed semi detached house in a cul de sac so the kids were always out playing. Even now the middle child got a bike for Christmas and can't go out unless an adult goes with him as people fly around on the rural roads here

I have a similar situation to you but in Wales. I romanticised the rural house, but being there over a rainy Christmas was boring as fu**. All my clothes smelled of damp when I came back. I think you could try to live between the 2 if you can afford it. Holidays in the rural place but day to day life in Dublin?

This is really tough. When two life partners want to go in different directions, one will be unhappy unless a compromise can be found.
People tend to like city living and country for visits, or vice versa. Personally I like country living and city for visits. We moved from city to rural and fortunately we both love it.
But, all the things you struggle with are perfectly valid. If your DH is closing his ears and doesn't want to hear it, you've got big problems because then it's a like it or lump it situation, which hardly makes you feel seen or valued.
If he can be willing to have the tough conversation that's much more promising, if he can recognise that his truth and experience it's not yours and you being his life partner counts for something, so your pov matters, then you can work together to find a solution.
Could you sell both places and get a place close to the city but with space around it (or whatever can achieve the well being he gets from being rural (nice views? Lack of people?) While you can have more of what you need (family within visiting distance, people to chat to etc)

We have actually rented the house in dublin as we couldn't afford to have it vacant all the time. I try get up to visit my family as often as I can and stay with my aunt who I'm very close to but it's expensive driving up and down

There are some kids that the middle child could cycle to but would probably take him 20 minutes. The eldest made a friend in school who lives 25 minutes drive away!! Thr youngest who is 8 doesn't play with anyone outside of school.

They do sports a couple of times a week which gets them mixing with other kids

If you are not happy where you are, and your DH won't move back to Dublin, then your only option is to move somewhere else. Is he emotionally attached to the house in the countryside? Did it belong to a family member? Does his family live nearby?

To me, it's strange that he won't even think about moving if you are so unhappy. Are you having problems in the relationship? Have you told him about how you are feeling? What does he say?

Unfortunately it's either move and risk your marriage or stay and be unhappy. Life is too short, you need to have very frank conversation.

Timing is of the essence and securing a secondary place could be tricky most are assigned for next year. You have tried to settle in good faith and sadly it isn't to be.

I would set out your plan and crack on sorting school places etc, there is a chance that tbe children who have settled won't want to leave and if DH is staying what would be acceptable to both of you ?

Most of our friends have different tolerances for country living so often one half of a couple is off to the city for a week or so and the other stays behind, but of course this is more manageable once the kids have left home and depends on remote working. Could you compromise as a couple and agree to move back to Dublin, spending holidays in the countryside and with a promise to move back to the countryside when the kids have left home? In the meanwhile make some firm commitments to visit your aunt and make them a priority- for your own well-being and happiness. Good luck!

I couldn’t be doing with that, no way - sounds utterly miserable and a complete pita - and I think your dh is being vvv unreasonable to expect u to ferry him around and for you to just suck it up even though you’re miserable there. I would be telling dh in no uncertain terms that we’ve had a trial at it and no, sorry it isn’t working for me so something has to change. But I’m quite vocal and opinionated and you sound a lot nicer than me - maybe you need to get a bit more assertive about your how you feel and that it just isn’t sustainable for you long term?

I'm in a similar situation, only with no vehicle. I understand the feeling of being stuck, and I wish there was something I could say to help ease that stress. I hope your situation improves.

Growing up in the country miles from friends is bloody tough. With 3, you’re going to be a taxi (you already are!) once they get a bit older and want to exclusively see their mates. I think try to persuade your Dh that you go back to Dublin til the dc are out of secondary.

It just doesn’t suit some people. I grew up in the country and love to visit but I wouldn’t live there.

Your get out clause is his eyesight - if you are doing most of the driving that’s not going to be sustainable when your boys are teens all wanting to be taxi’d around in the evenings.

Where could you live that would give him a bit of rural life and you enough urban action. A village is going to cut it - you are probably looking for the edge of a market town within an hour or so of Dublin.

I would go and find some compromise options and then sit down with him and say that this isn’t working for you, you understand Dublin no longer works for him, so you need to find a compromise that gives you both enough of what you need. This isn’t up for debate - he can’t force you to live rurally any more than you can force him to live in a city - you have to compromise. Thank you you still have your Dublin house so you should be able to buy what you need.