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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moved to rural area and hate it

161 replies

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 17:55

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/01/2023 08:44

I think you need to tell him that as both you and the DC are unhappy and it's likely to get worse as they become teenagers then why is he being so selfish to put himself above 3 other people's happiness.

Yeahrightthen · 26/01/2023 08:53

No diagnosis for his eyes he was in hospital but couldn't find anything wrong apart from having dry eyes which he takes drops for. Not sure why them seem to be on the mend

Hmm, fishy! And now you are letting your feelings know re wanting to move back to Dublin he has made a miraculous recovery and can share some of the driving again?

He sounds very manipulative OP. I would just push ahead with plans to move back and let him do as he pleases!

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 16:49

I'm going to keep making plans for the move back and hopefully it'll all work out. I already have 2 job interviews lined up for childminding to start when I get back!!

OP posts:
Gagagardener · 26/01/2023 16:55

Do you need two houses? If you sold both, could you buy one really nice one in a compromise area: in village or small town?

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 17:44

Gagagardener · 26/01/2023 16:55

Do you need two houses? If you sold both, could you buy one really nice one in a compromise area: in village or small town?

This would be the ideal option but our mortgage is too big and the house in the country is tied to another mortgage so if we sell we wouldn't have any left over to buy its a mess as we bought during boom time 🙈🙈

OP posts:
ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 17:58

Have you told your husband about all the planning you have done? Arranging work and contacting schools reads as if you have already decided what you are doing and there is nothing left to discuss
It seems a bit pointless trying to integrate more with your local community there with such advanced planning. You're not committed so your efforts seem to be more tokenism than a genuine attempt. . Not fair to your family.

Cornelious2011 · 26/01/2023 18:29

Op was your dh happy in Dublin pre covid lockdowns?

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 18:32

ColadhSamh · 26/01/2023 17:58

Have you told your husband about all the planning you have done? Arranging work and contacting schools reads as if you have already decided what you are doing and there is nothing left to discuss
It seems a bit pointless trying to integrate more with your local community there with such advanced planning. You're not committed so your efforts seem to be more tokenism than a genuine attempt. . Not fair to your family.

I contacted the schools to know whether even moving back would be an option

I've emailed the library about a book club and contacted some women in the area that I had text a while ago amd nothing came of it to see if I could get things going again.

There's no real playdate or hang outs for the kids either the odd one but that's it. I've offered a couple of times but I think people were busy in the run up to Christmas so I'll try again for the kids

I'm not sure what else to do?

OP posts:
sw1rl3d · 26/01/2023 19:24

This sounds a really difficult situation.

My couple of pennies worth.

  1. You can do bushcraft in /around a city. I used to work for an urban wildlife charity and we had someone who ran sessions on our site. You have to be more creative and work harder, but it is a thing.
  1. Can he arrange it so he is going out to the country place on a regular rotation to run his courses? I presume they are at the weekend?

Could he could go down for a few days before/after to prep/get his country fix?

Could he could split the week and travel back and forth? Or do one week there, one week in Dublin.

This does mean you spending less day to day time together as a family but there are plenty of people who travel for work or are based away from their family for long periods.

The downside for you would be that you don't have him around in Dublin for sharing the domestic/childcare burden, but it sounds like you might have more support there, or that it is a sacrifice you are willing to make.

  1. You shouldn't be responsible for doing all the admin and social media for his business. If he can't do it himself, he should employ someone to help. One of your boys even if no one else!
  1. I'm sympathetic to the eye thing, one of my friends had something similar and when it flared up it was awful.

However while you can support him, it's his condition to manage.

If he would have trouble driving regularly back and forth could he get the train and a taxi and have an ebike at the country place? Cars are the devil but until we can change how modern life is structured living rurally without them is hard.

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 26/01/2023 20:03

Thanks so much for your input I really appreciate.

He definitely could still do the bushcraft here the course are run on the weekend once a month from March till Sept so not even that often. He could get the train from dublin to here amd maybe have a car at the train station or parked at our friends house that could easily work and I would be open to coming down when the course is on the help out

My middle child has now been crying for the second night in a row saying he's lonely here and misses his old friends. I think it's because our eldest was talking to a friend from dublin a couple of days ago and it has set him off.

I'm so stressed out with the whole thing 🙈

OP posts:
Paddington42 · 12/12/2023 00:05

Did you move back to Dublin? Sounds like you and both your child would be much happier. The countryside isn’t always the best place for sociable people who like life around them to interact with and there aren’t many people to choose from to form friendships with.

FoodieToo · 12/12/2023 00:25

Oh goodness you poor thing ! That’s so difficult .
We live in south Dublin and I will a never leave . Everything you could possibly want a Luas ride away .
I’m originally from the south east , not terribly rural but rural enough to have poor services etc .
What about when your kids go to college ? Surely that would be a time to move back as they very likely will be in college up here ? Or is that too far away ( in time ) for you ?
I’m afraid it would be a deal breaker for me and I’d just have to move back .

Original poster
Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2024 13:01

Hi everyone just thought I'd give a little update as I love seeing updates on these discussions.

We have ended up staying in the countryside I couldn't get a place for my eldest in secondary school before he was due to start and money would have been very tight if we moved back to dublin

I've given up childminding and am now a home carer so I go to people's homes to provide care which is great as it gets me out of the house and meeting people

I still miss dublin and would move back tomorrow but the kids love it now and are all settled.

Still finding the driving everywhere such a pain and I still haven't found any friends but I'm hoping in time I will

With the cost of living we couldn't afford to move back to dublin now but I do miss having neighbours around so not sure if we'll stay in our current house forever. Maybe somewhere closer to the town would be a good comprise

Thanks again for all the response x

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 05/01/2024 14:17

Thanks for the update. I hope things continue to get better

Roselilly36 · 05/01/2024 17:24

Aww pleased to read your update, whilst not perfectly happy, sounds like you are settling and making a new life for yourself. Good luck.

Areyoumashing · 05/01/2024 17:35

Think I’d be the same - want it, do it, regret it! I’d stick it out for now but make it clear that in 5/10 years or whenever I’m moving back. Come if you want to…😀

DonnaBanana · 05/01/2024 17:57

The trick is to live rurally but in a location not far from transport to the city. So near a motorway junction or train station: then you can get the best of both. Or live in a market town to get a city in the country experience. Like with a dog, there is no such thing as bad countryside just a bad location

Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2024 18:24

YANBU rural living isn't for everyone.

But, equally (and considering most of your family love it) it might be worth hanging on a bit. I find it takes time to build up friendships and be included in the community - like years, not months.

londonmummy1966 · 05/01/2024 19:24

Have you posted about this before OP - the bit about courses surviving in the wild sounds familiar? I think that the only way you are going to be able to bring this to a head and have a sensible conversation is to tell your DH that you are not doing any driving for anyone else apart from the school run. So if DH wants a takeaway/something picking up for his business you wont do it. If DC want a play date he'll have to work out how to get them there. I suspect that the 2 DC who say they're happy won't be if they don't have mum's taxi to rely on.

Mirabai · 05/01/2024 19:46

Thanks for the update OP, I hope you find more friends.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 09/01/2024 18:40

@Ruralmumof3boys

Wishing you and your family well for 2024. Thanks for the update Smile

ItsaMetalBand · 10/01/2024 14:47

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that you've yet to make friends - here's hoping it happens for you this year!

RobertaFirmino · 10/01/2024 16:01

Can you not just go back to Dublin, sell the rural house and just let DH live in the wilderness, sheltering in a hut crafted from leaves and mud?

JungleFox · 11/01/2024 06:53

Yes yes and yes OP. I’ve done my time rurally and never again.

  1. Rural people are obsessed with giant cars. If you have a smaller car, you’ll get pushed around constantly. I love cycling for fun and this was very poorly received, like riding a bike is a rejection of cars and their whole way of life?
  2. People, on the whole, are very receptive to grievance driven conspiracy theories. Urban people have done them wrong so everything they propose is designed to destroy rural life- see anti-15 minute city sentiments.
  3. food and takeaways are far and terrible.

not for me!

RagzRebooted · 11/01/2024 21:36

Good to read your update, sounds like things are slightly better and you're trying to make the best of it. Friends takes time, I'd try joining some local event planning things like village fetes or helping at a jumble sale or something.
I helped run our toddler group and joined the PTA when I moved to this village and that was a good way to meet people (though I didn't particularly enjoy either!).

I empathise with the school place issue, the towns/villages we'd shortlisted to move to this year I've found all the secondaries are oversubscribed so we're having to look at slightly different areas.