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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moved to rural area and hate it

161 replies

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 17:55

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

OP posts:

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 06/01/2023 22:21

I'm so glad I posted this now its like all my fears have been given light and I know I'm not over reacting

I know life wasn't all rosy in dublin and that living there comes with its own challenges but I don't think rural life is for me

I'm terrified about the future. My dh is a good man but he's just so attached to living in the country and I know he will be unhappy if we were to move back it feels like someone is going to be unhappy no matter what we do

I think I'll have a chat with my eldest and explain to him that as he gets older I won't be able to be driving him everywhere so there's times he won't be able to hang out with his friends

We talked about me going back to work full time with the kids and I reminded dh that he'll have to do all the school runs and some of the sports activities as I'll be working but there is no guarantee he'll be able to that every day and what happens when he can't drive the kids miss school /sports/planned hang outs with friends

It's stressing me out so much 😫

OP posts:

SirMingeALot · 06/01/2023 23:01

What did he say to that and what are his plans for days when neither of you are able to drive?

MMMarmite · 06/01/2023 23:38

If his vision problems are permanent, he needs to accept that he can't meet the educational and social needs of three teenagers in an area with no public transport or amenities. And it's not fair to leave that soley to you, sacrificing your career in the process, when this is his dream not yours.

k80pie · 06/01/2023 23:45

Hey OP, if it’s really stressing you out that much - talk to your DH and tell him just how much you want to move back to Dublin. Make sure he really listens to you - be as clear and firm about your feelings as you can. Don’t go into the conversation assuming he wants to stay in the country - just assert your own feelings. See what he says/does. He may not truly understand just how much you want to move back, and needs to understand he can’t just fob you off with a flippant comment. Say that you want to live in the city but to have breaks in the country, as it was before.

k80pie · 06/01/2023 23:46

And don’t make it all about the driving - if that’s not the sole issue. It sounds like moving back has multiple reasons behind it, which can’t be fixed by getting him to drive more or something.

RagzRebooted · 07/01/2023 00:15

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/01/2023 19:56

It just doesn’t suit some people. I grew up in the country and love to visit but I wouldn’t live there.

Your get out clause is his eyesight - if you are doing most of the driving that’s not going to be sustainable when your boys are teens all wanting to be taxi’d around in the evenings.

Where could you live that would give him a bit of rural life and you enough urban action. A village is going to cut it - you are probably looking for the edge of a market town within an hour or so of Dublin.

I would go and find some compromise options and then sit down with him and say that this isn’t working for you, you understand Dublin no longer works for him, so you need to find a compromise that gives you both enough of what you need. This isn’t up for debate - he can’t force you to live rurally any more than you can force him to live in a city - you have to compromise. Thank you you still have your Dublin house so you should be able to buy what you need.

This.

We're currently renting in a small, rural village in SE England. Was lovely with primary age DCs. Beautiful village school, lovely countryside opposite our street, community feel.
Now we have teens and there's no buses at weekends and it's a 30 minute drive to a town with a supermarket big enough to do the weekly shop, a cinema or a swimming pool...

We'll be buying in the next few years and relocating to NE. DH wants equally/more rural. I want access to all the amenities we don't currently have, for both myself and the DCs. We will compromise and look at houses on the edge of towns or in large villages with good public transport access to large towns/cities.

I'm happy to move back to rural living again in retirement (not too rural) and have said this won't be a 'forever' home, just a move for the next stage of our lives.

Can you put this idea do your DH?

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 16/01/2023 13:21

Just a quick update on the situation I've temporarily gone back to work childminding to save up some money. Have spoken to dh about being unhappy and he said about trying to get to know the locals more and maybe going back to work would help.

Have also chatted to our eldest who is almost 13 and he now too wants to move back as he said there's nothing to do here and he's getting bored all the time. None of his friends are local enough to cycle to and his best friend is a 25 minute drive away!!!

Don't know how I'll convince the dh to move as he runs his bushcraft business from here and it would be hard to do that from dublin.

OP posts:

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 13:29

Well you could stop driving him around for a start. That would focus his mind.

If you got a FT job you wouldn’t be available.

If you got a job in Dublin and commuted you’d be there even less…

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 16/01/2023 13:42

He is going to have to do the school runs now and most of the sports as I'm working so I'm doing this to see how he handles it and how his eyesight holds up. Maybe when he sees all the driving to be done he might change his mind about staying rural!!!

OP posts:

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 14:21

It might. 🤞🏼

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 14:37

Ruralmumof3boys · 16/01/2023 13:42

You need to be very strict with the driving.

Don't step in to help out.

Friendships IMO are the linchpin that make secondary school bareable for many children.

If your teen feels isolated and out of the loop, his friendships might drift and he will feel left out.

It will bring a whole load of worry to your life that you really don't need if it can be avoided.

OnMyWayToSenility · 16/01/2023 15:45

I personally think it's an awful move and agree with you very isolating, as your teens get older they need to go out and have good transport links. Other wise they end up staying with mates in towns. Which is fine but not much fun.

We moved to a rural town and thank god we have great trains and buses nearby. Our home has become and teen sleepover destination for the ones who live in the middle of no where!
So glad I stayed in town.

Monjardin12 · 16/01/2023 15:54

For me, poor wifi would be the deciding factor. Can't you persuade your husband to move back to Dublin?

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 17:55

OnMyWayToSenility · 16/01/2023 15:45

Same here, we are very urban and I have a cupboard full of bed mats, sleeping bags and pillows for sleepovers , tooth brushes too🙄for the kids that bunk down here regularly.

I felt sorry for parents collecting kids at 12-1am from nearby parties so they would stay here and head off early.

We share lifts with parents, but if you are 30 minutes in your own direction you do it all yourself and at 17-19, that could be every weekend. Parents end up with absolutely no down time at all, always clock watching.

Also I like to be in bed for 11pm so sitting up waiting to collect EVERY weekend sounds hellish to me.

Roselilly36 · 16/01/2023 19:41

OP if I was in your shoes, I would insist on moving back to the city.

If my DH had problems with his vision I really wouldn’t want him driving himself or my kids around tbh.

Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 19:03

I wouldn't wait for your dh to see the light op, he will probably manage the driving better than you, because he isn't juggling a million other things.

We live rurally, and it can be hard. My dd is passing her test now (17) and she can then drive, she doesn't drink so there is no issue but I would be worried about her if she did. We do so much driving though and it is very tiring. My dc will invite friends here to sleep over and go into town together, but we are often doing hours of driving seven days a week.

It can be done if you love the country air, and have special friends and a lovely life, and a bit of driving is no great shakes for the other benefits but honestly you sound so isolated and miserable. It just isn't worth it. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Be decisive and go back, your teens will most certainly thank you - and you will be happy, your dh will get used to it again.

I have found many of my friends that stayed on in places they didn't like have now got trapped there, as once the dc get jobs and girlfriends you will never prise them away.

There is a window to escape - do take it!!

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 09:11

Thanks so much everyone for all the input I've contacted the schools in dublin where we used to live to see about getting the kids back in there so I'll have to wait on that. The thoughts of another summer ahead where the kids are stuck at home all the time unless we bring them somewhere fills me with dread!! 🤣

OP posts:

Mirabai · 18/01/2023 09:29

I totally agree that you shouldn’t wait too long for your DH. If leaving him to cope with driving for a while doesn’t make your point for you - then you just need to put your foot down.

Cherryflavouranything · 18/01/2023 09:41

Ruralmumof3boys · 05/01/2023 20:49

Thanks for all the replies I'm going to have another chat about it with him.

It's not feasible to sell the property in dublin as we have such a high mortgage on it I wouldn't have anything left over to buy another property

I would consider renting somewhere near where we live now but closer to better amenities but I've been looking and the renting is non existent I'll keep looking though.

He also is trying to get a business up off the ground but I do have to help a lot with that to and its run from home (he does courses teaching how to survive in the wild) and I'm dreading another year of that and all the extra work it brings. He could still do it if we lived in dublin he would just have to travel down here once a month for a couple of days which I think is doable

I dread to think what it's going to be like when they are teenagers and want to be dropped here there and everywhere 😭😭 whereas dh thinks it'll be great coz at least he'll know where they are all the time

Having been a teen who grew up in the (very) rural countryside, I can confirm:

you definitely won’t know where they are all the time. You’ll just know where you dropped them off.

Not being able to get a taxi back after going out, I’d go for “sleepovers” but I was never ever where I was supposed to be.

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 09:47

This is exactly what I think!! To believe that you know where they are all the time is crazy

My plan is to move in the summer as it'll be easier for the kids to finish out the year in the primary school especially the eldest in 6th class

Say a prayer for me the old school has space for them 🤞🤞

OP posts:

Squamata · 18/01/2023 09:50

Can I come and live with you in Dublin, OP? I'd love, love, love to live there! :)

I'd stay in Dublin til the kids are uni/college age, then consider moving somewhere a bit half-and-half suburbanish within easy reach of Dublin, wouldn't that be the best of both worlds?

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 10:01

Also the dh is going to argue that we'll have less money as we won't have the rent coming in from the house in dublin but I think I'd rather have less money and be happy with where I live than have more money and hate it ??

OP posts:

Mirabai · 18/01/2023 10:44

Can you Airbnb the rural property when you’re not there?

Original poster

Ruralmumof3boys · 18/01/2023 11:32

Never thought of that I'll look into it thanks

OP posts:

SnackyOnassis · 18/01/2023 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

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