Moved to rural area and hate it

[Ruralmumof3boys]

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

I think the biggest problem is the fact you are the only driver - I agree that will be really hard to sustain when you have three teens, wanting to go out all over the place.

There must be a compromise of a smaller town or village closer to Dublin and with some public transport, surely? He can’t expect you to live their forever just because he likes it?

I don't think a person who doesn't drive gets to insist on a lifestyle that requires another person to spend so much time in the car.

Driving is usually the big reason people get disillusioned with rurual life - I know I couldn't live anywhere that made me totally dependent on a car.

There likely isn't a solution to this beyond having a very frank coversation with your husband and working out together what's the best compromise. It's not really acceptable that your ability to drive is propping up his inability to do so if you're so unhappy there.

If the driving is a struggle, it might be worth setting some boundaries with that now. Explain that you're only willing to do a certain amount, and then stick to it. Because that sort of lifestyle with one driver who's already struggling even before the guaranteed increased future demands stemming from the business and kids reaching their teens is not at all sustainable. It will get worse, not better.

It needs to be made clear that the price of staying where you are is less driving time, that everyone continuing to be ferried around the place whenever they like isn't one of the choices available. It's not like rural living requires living up the arse end of nowhere either, there are people who live rurally in villages with neighbours over the way and five minutes walk from a shop.

We sold up and went from;

City to village, to completely rural and then finally bought in a rural market town.

Always loved the idea of rural life to raise the kids, but it was quite boring.

The idea's a lot more whimsical than the reality isn't it? If the kids hate it move. Mine were preschoolers when we lived completely rural, so they loved it. Now they are older they love our little town.

Lots to do, kids can hang out with friends. Coffee shops, places to eat, takeaways. Don't need to use the car constantly but not in the hustle and bustle of a city.

The best thing we've ever done. All the countryside perks and glorious views but in civilization!

Life's too short.

One other thing occurred to me the lease on the Dublin house may be really challenging to end, as you know there is a housing crisis and councils are advising (non officially) to overhold.

Whatever decision you make needs to be soon to sort the lease/schools and jobs? as I assume those will need to change also.

Move back to Dublin and leave DH behind. When he can't fend for himself the appeal of rural life will be lost.

Could you rent somewhere like Bray ? That way the nice countryside is right on your doorstep but still easyish into Dublin with good connections and big enough to have good facilities on the doorstep

That’s so hard. Some people love cities, some people hate cities. DH and I both fled London and embraced village life and it suits us, but I can see how someone else could easily hate it 😬

I don’t see a solution for you. If your DH and two of the children have fallen in love with rural living, then all you can do is negotiate with them and try to persuade them to put your wants and that of the other DC above their wants. But if your DH runs survival courses for a living I can’t see him going back to Dublin.

Really tricky. Sorry 😔

Echo the other comments about living rurally with 3 teens and having to drive them everywhere. One of mine had at least one activity every day. Some evenings there were 4 different activities going on, in different towns. I spent between 1.5 and 3.5 hours every single day taxiing kids to activites (just the actual driving), and 5 days a week only got home at about 10.30pm. And that was with DH also picking up other journeys too. And on top of the 4 school pickups/drop offs per day. I did it only because it was time limited (about 2 years) due to their ages, and because we did not want to limit the competitive sports that were so important to them, for a house move that they didn't choose. But this summer has been bliss since the child that needed the most taxiing passed his driving test, and I am SO glad to be done with it. I really wouldn't have wanted 10+ years of it, as it totally dominates your evenings and any free time.

You say your husband has 'slight vision problems' which mean you do 'most' of the driving...does that mean he does some of the driving then? What is stopping him from doing more? Surely, if you can see properly to drive occasionally, you can see properly to drive regularly? If it's something specific like not being able to drive in the dark, then he should do all the daytime driving, to make it fair.

Thanks so much for all the replies

The driving around in the future now has me really worried. With my husbands vision some days its fine and other days his eyes are so sore and painful he can barely keep them open so couldn't drive. I've no idea if this is going to get worse over time or if we will get a medical solution and he'll be totally fine.

I did mention it to him today briefly (will have a proper chat at the weekend) and I said about having to drive the kid everywhere and all the drop offs and he said that's great at least we'll know where they are all the time

I'm so stressed about the situation I just wish we had never moved in the first place 😭

The driving around in the future now has me really worried. With my husbands vision some days its fine and other days his eyes are so sore and painful he can barely keep them open so couldn't drive. I've no idea if this is going to get worse over time or if we will get a medical solution and he'll be totally fine.

I reeeeeeeally don't think living so remotely is a good idea for you, then. What's going to happen on days you're ill if your husband's eyes are also playing up?

It’s not all about him though ! I would be a lot more assertive especially as you have a house in the city. Thank god you have it.

Totally this. I hate driving, but rarely have to do it due to living in a city. I had a miserable upbringing growing up in the middle of nowhere as a teenager. My 2 teens in our city are pretty much independent. They use public transport or walk everywhere to go to their activities, cinema, bowling, ice skating, various parks, amusement arcade and out to eat including ice creams and smoothies from various delis. We go to the theatre or some kind of festival/event most most months. We're half an hour from the peak District though for countryside fix. I love it and would never live completely rurally ever again although would do a peak District town with stuff happening maybe once they've left home. I get in my car about twice a week for max half an hour at a time.

Ask him if he is going to pay for the taxi's as you are only doing 2 days per week maximum.

I think you need to tell him the truth that you hate it and cannot do it long term and if a compromise can't be reached you will have to go your separate ways.

The resentment will kill your relationship.

My youngest is 17 and I still do so much of it and that is with a good bus service but her sporting hobby is a big commitment.

When I had 3 at home it was hideous I couldn't have any hobbies of my own for years as it would clash.

In my (personal) experience, bored teens in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do tend to find more mischievous ways of entertaining themselves than those with plenty to keep them occupied, so not sure if your DH's confidence at knowing where they are all the time is as reassuring as he thinks it is!

He sounds very selfish to be honest.
Happy for you to really carry the load isn't he.

Go back to Dublin, put the boys in the biggest room and get a lodger.

However hard you think the driving is going to be, it will be multiples of that.

For me it's still a PITA in an urban getting with good transport.

Lots of short 5-10 minute runs because my children are spoiled and I like them safe as I worry🙄.

Longer distances means you wait around more to coordinate pickups as going back home is a waste of time and money, so you can be hours in the car.

Every single day.

And the late picknups when you are dying to go to bed? A dose.

My friend who does it said they can often go a couple of weeks without sharing a bottle of wine together because it is so relentless.🙄

I think you need to really decide what you want and be prepared to move.

Start telling him to make his own way to places too.
You need to get your point across firmly..

What if his eyes can't be fixed?

Moving mid secondary is not something I would do easily to a teen.

My personal experience too! Dd is 16 she's had the occasional slurp of vodka lemonade at a friends house but apart from that is fairly "good". I was smoking, drinking, other substances, older boyfriends, nightclubs and going missing. As were most of my rural friends. The kind of stuff these days that would trigger a camhs/social care referral. There was NOTHING to do where I grew up it was desperate. Rural life is not the idyll it says on the tin. Met a family recently who live in rural Germany due to the DH and his desires. Both the mum and teenage daughter are clinically depressed. You need to go back to Dublin.

I said about having to drive the kid everywhere and all the drop offs and he said that's great at least we'll know where they are all the time

It sounds like this is his go-to statement to try and shut you up when you are saying something he doesn’t want to hear. What he’s really saying is “no that’s not happening, end of conversation”. Does he often minimise your feelings and try to put an end to tricky conversations with these pre-though out “gotchas”?

What on earth is he talking about “at least we’ll know where they are?” Is he that naive? Does he not think teenagers will be getting up to all sorts and fibbing to their parents (ie they’ll tell you they’re at such a persons house be really be at a rave🤣?) kids brought up in isolated places are much more likely to try and seek out thrills elsewhere when they’re older. They’ll be bored to tears, as you are now.

He is being a selfish prick and you need to find your backbone and tell him you’ve had enough. Next time he says the above say: “I don’t give a stuff about your imagined future glee at trying to control where our children are - I am talking about the fact I am very unhappy NOW and feel I’ve made a huge mistake and we need to talk about the fact that I don’t see myself doing this for much longer. Are you happy to go through life knowing your wife and one of your children is extremely unhappy?”

And then DON’T him deflect/minimise.

I would hate it too OP. We lived semi rural for 18 years, the relief when DS passed his driving test was immense. We moved to a city, 2 years ago, the best decision we ever made. Never would I move rurally again.

Both mine grew up in a small rural village. We kept them busy with lots of activities to keep them out of mischief, but I realise now how exhausting it was for me with no public transport. Especially in dark winter nights, driving on narrow, winding country lanes.

I did mention it to him today briefly (will have a proper chat at the weekend) and I said about having to drive the kid everywhere and all the drop offs and he said that's great at least we'll know where they are all the time

Work out for each trip that you do; how long it takes, whether you'd have to stay, what time you'd be home. Look at the number of hours and work out how reasonable/unreasonable it is. E.g. DC2 did a competitive sport 5 days a week which was a 35m-1hr round trip for a 2 hour activity. For the longer trips DH took him there (7.30-8.30pm) and I picked up (9.30-10.30pm). The other DCs had their own activities too with similar round trips and logistics could be a nightmare. Our worst day was Thursday. I left home at 3.15pm to do a school pick up, then constantly picked up/dropped off various kids between 3 towns, finally getting home at 9.30pm. DH also did one of the 1hr round trips in this time. This was totally nuts, but we did it because we wanted to move house, didn't want the kids to have to give up things that were important to them, and we knew it would only be for 2-3 years.

Spell out clearly to DH what living rurally with no public transport means practically, in terms of hours driving/waiting around and time out of the house. Are you and DH able or prepared to do that for them, or will the DCs just not be able to do the things they might want to?

Also, how will they get to secondary school? Is there a bus, or will you have to drive them to/from there as well? I should add that I don't work and was still tired from having to spend so many hours driving kids around and waiting for them. There is no way I could have done it if also working full time.

I don't think a person who doesn't drive gets to insist on a lifestyle that requires another person to spend so much time in the car.

I agree with this. I don't think he gets to dictate here. He's not making it happen.

I would be firm. You aren't prepared to be a full time chauffeur. Your middle child is with you on this. You make plans to move back to Dublin and go to the country on the weekend/holidays.

What would happen if tot staged a strike? Refused to do any driving for a week?