Moved to rural area and hate it

[Ruralmumof3boys]

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

A village is NOT going to cut it..

I live rurally and enjoy it but there are downsides as you have mentioned.

In your position I would move back to Dublin asap - your dc will soon be teenagers and things will become even more difficult. You will be doing pick ups at midnight most weekends etc.They will become bored and restless and you will be struggling as a sole driver. My dh does a lot of driving and helps a lot.

Can you use your country house as a weekend and holiday home? Or decorate and rent it out term times to holiday makers and stay in the school holidays? That would be my compromise. Dh should not be insisting you stay because it suits him op, esp as you are the one that is making it possible ( Doing all of the driving) Tell him you will consider again when you are all retired.

Move back whilst your connections and friendships are still alive and the children still have friends and family there.

I wouldn’t even hesitate, you tried it for years, it hasn’t worked - that’s okay op. You deserve to be happy. Further down the line education and work’s opportunities will be far more abundant in the city.

What would happen you refused to do the driving, seems like you are far more inconvenienced than your DH

Can you talk to him about just how much you hate it and how isolating it is for you. Maybe agree to do x more years there and then move back to your place in Dublin? Is there an option of downsizing both in the future so one is a weekend home?

It's such a shame it's just not working out for you. I absolutely adore country living and dream of living your life 💞

Where are you living OP? I'm a Dub who moved to the West and found it very tough at first. We rented rurally and I absolutely hated it and didn't want to come here in the first place. I feel I have the best of both worlds now. Bus going past front and cows out the back. A soon to be 5/6 bed detached house for the same price as my Dublin apartment.

We then bought in town and I wouldn't go back to Dublin although I miss certain things. My three children were born here and they have such a lovely life. It took me long time to make friends too. It's only really coming together six years later if I'm honest.

Is there a possibility of relocating within the area itself? Selling up and buying something more suitable? You would get a fortune for your Dublin home right now.

Pm me if you want to chat.

I should explain I moved rurually then into the town in same County as I didn't like living so remotely.

If your DH had to choose between losing his countryside life and losing you which would he choose?

If you moved back to Dublin you you can still have long holidays at the house and your DC have built up friends in the area.

No real advice really. We live semi rural and its not great. My sons friends all live 25 minutes away ( apart from one!) so we are a taxi service, no denying that. DD is 18 and gets the bus to college and uses public transport alot to get around.

We can get a train to Liverpool in 40 mins and Chester in 15, so we often takes trips to the city.

Resentment will set in, if you don't make a decision what to do. It's a tough one and doesn't help that your husband seems to be thriving rurally. Maybe if he did all the taxi driving, he would think differently!

As the kids get older, they may also resent living rurally. When mine were young, they loved it. Now, well I don't expect DD will want to return after Uni and DS will get out w her b he can. M

Very best of luck x

We lived very rurally when the DC were younger, but as the eldest approached senior school age, we decided that we needed to move somewhere with plenty to keep them occupied as they got older. DH and I would have been perfectly happy to remain where we were, but it was about what was best for the kids that made us decide to move.

If you are really unhappy, then I would start campaigning for a move sooner, rather than later. Teenagers stuck out in the middle of nowhere are going to be a nightmare for you (especially without decent Wi-Fi!) and you'll just end up taxiing them around everywhere and never getting to stop in the evenings.

I am in a similar position OP. We have given it a year but miss the city and will likely move back at the end of this year. I think moving to a third location is a mistake, if you know it’s Dublin you miss then go back. The city is great for teens too. Way more independence and opportunity.

I thought I wanted more fresh air and space for my preschoolers but we are always in the car now, we used to be able to walk to the local park, library, cafes etc. Kids lived on our street.

It’s a tough one! But not really so tough when you listen to your gut. I think I would prefer day to day city life and rural breaks.

I know you said a village wouldn't be possible, but could you sell your house in the country or rent it out, and then rent a house in the village?

Get the income to rent a new house as a stepping stone from renting one of your other properties?

Neither of you are being unreasonable and the only sensible option would be a compromise. (A village or small town.)

I would write a list of pros and cons

I wouldn’t like being away from a town/having neighbours either!

DH would be happy in the countryside - we moved to be near shops/bus routes/schools/ friends for the children - it’s important they can be independent and get about when they’re teens.

I think your DH is being selfish and you should consider at least and halfway house.

haveagentlechristmas that’s my fantasy 😆 a big rambling detached in Wales with a pack of dogs, acres of land and no neighbours. I don’t want the damp smelling clothes though 🤔

Thanks for all the replies I'm going to have another chat about it with him.

It's not feasible to sell the property in dublin as we have such a high mortgage on it I wouldn't have anything left over to buy another property

I would consider renting somewhere near where we live now but closer to better amenities but I've been looking and the renting is non existent I'll keep looking though.

He also is trying to get a business up off the ground but I do have to help a lot with that to and its run from home (he does courses teaching how to survive in the wild) and I'm dreading another year of that and all the extra work it brings. He could still do it if we lived in dublin he would just have to travel down here once a month for a couple of days which I think is doable

I dread to think what it's going to be like when they are teenagers and want to be dropped here there and everywhere 😭😭 whereas dh thinks it'll be great coz at least he'll know where they are all the time

He might think it’s great but it’s you doing the driving! If it was in him it would be different.

As the sole driver take it from me you do not want to be ferrying 3 DC around for another 10 years plus, it's exhausting. I had a sudden illness and couldn't drive for a month, that was bad - it could have been permanent.

Absolutely this.

I'm urban and its still a complete PITA, constantly in and out to sports, training, matches, the parties, discos, hanging out with friends, 12, 1am, staying up to collect them.

We do it because we want them home safe.
We share it with other parents that live nearby.
But if you are miles from others you will be on your own doing it.

Teens need to socialise and that is why parents do it, but for you doing it on your own it will be a slog.

Your husband sounds a bit selfish, happy for you to crack on doing it all, so watch out if I were you.

I second that. Sounds like heaven to me.

Where I live (Colchester), the countryside is disappearing. No matter how many rabbit hutch new builds they stick up, it's never enough. A new estate is currently being built at the other end of my village. It's so huge that it's more like a small town than an estate. The traffic is awful NOW, so god knows what it'll be like when all those houses have been sold. God, what I wouldn't give to live in a quiet village! If that meant I couldn't have takeaways, it would be a small price to pay. Right now, all I can hear is the screaming of car engines and the explosions of modified exhausts.

I feel you - when I bring my parents over to Ireland for visits, DF always wants to stay really really rurally and it is a massive pain in the ass. I find doing the driving there takes a lot of energy and have told him I am not willing to stay so rurally again. Unless your husband was actively miserable in Dublin, I think I would be giving an ultimatum about moving.

haveagentlechristmas that’s my fantasy 😆 a big rambling detached in Wales with a pack of dogs, acres of land and no neighbours. I don’t want the damp smelling clothes though 🤔

It was lush don't get me wrong. But I had to move to the city to further my career. I still can't quite bear to sell the house though, which is financially crippling me!!

Dublin would be much much much better for teens. High school and up

The secondary years absolutely fly, have you thought about third level colleges and how that will work for you?

For your sanity you need to move back to Dublin. You’d need to apply to the secondary school now to try and get a place though and does the primary have spaces for your kids. There’s no way I could ferry teens around the countryside all by myself, I had to do it in Dublin for 6 mths when my husband couldn’t drive due to health condition and it was exhausting. Thinking ahead to university, if you’re in Dublin they can get bus/luas to college but in the country they’d need accommodation in the city which as you know is extremely difficult to find and expensive.

I don't think an automatic is going to improve his vision.

Do you NEED to rent the Dublin house out? Could you do a split of some time in Dublin and some time in the country?