Moved to rural area and hate it

[Ruralmumof3boys]

Looking for some advice please

I'm a married mum of 3 boys and we were living in dublin. We have a house in the countryside and during lockdown decided to move and give it a go. We have the house a long time so knew the area we were moving to. We are here over 2 years now and I hate it. Rural living is just not for me.

I hate having to drive everywhere nothing is within walking distance to our house. My family still lives in dublin nearly 2 hours away and I miss them. The kids have friends here now but they can't just go outside and play with their friends it's all drop off and pick up for everything

Our middle son doesn't like it here either but our other 2 love it and my husband is living his best life and refuses to move back to dublin. We still have our house there so it's definitely an option available to us.

I've tried so hard to like it here. I went back to work part time, I'm a childminder, and joined a toddler group locally to meet new people

I just miss be around people and the city. There are also no takeaway places that will deliver to us which is a pain. My husband has slight vision problems so I do most of the driving and always go for the takeaway which I know is only a small thing to complain about

I miss having neighbours to have a little chat with I could literally go days without talking to anyone but my husband

Also the house we live in now is really old and although some parts are fab like the old stonework on the walls it's hard to heat so I'm always cold and the living space is a lot smaller. We gained an extra bedroom which is the only plus point

Any advice on what to do?? I feel stuck here and I'm just not happy

Thanks so much for the input I'm so glad to hear of other people in my situation and to feel like moving back to dublin is the right thing to do

I do feel guilty that my dh will hate it but we will still have the house here to visit especially when it's nice weather I'm not against visiting in the summer at all but just can't live here anymore

It's great to hear from teenagers and parents of teens that have agreed country living is hard

Also the house is so cold even with the heating on all day 🥶🥶

Your rural property will be great for visits or to let out for rural air bnb. It's no life for the average teen unless they have masses of local friends, madly into horses etc - and it's no life for you clearly- so unless he wants to separate I suggest your H accepts it's only really him it suits

I am so glad you have decided op and you sound very strong about it too.
Of course you can enjoy so many years at the rural cottage still, you are so lucky to have both. Your dh is not 'losing' his rural life, he is gaining a mixture of both.
It can't be all about his needs anyway! There are four more of you to consider, and although your middle child likes it, he can always come back in the holidays.

fast forward five years you will be so relieved you made this decision! The alternative really will be you out on the country roads every weekend at 1am (assuming your teens will ever make friends there and have a social life)

Don't get absorbed with other stuff, focus on the move back.
Let everyone know you are heading home and will be celebrating with a party in the summer!! 💃Time to live op!!

Oh god ladies I feel awful!!!

Had a chat with dh the other day about how I'm struggling living here and miss dublin and want to go back. He was devastated 😔 I made a list of all the things I miss about dublin and also the things I do actually like about living here.

There were lots of tears and dh said he thinks I'm only looking at the positives of dublin. He said maybe if i had friends down here I wouldn't feel this way. I didn't have tons of friends in dublin either but definitely had people I could chat to.

It just feels awful now as he loves it here and really doesn't want to go back at all and I feel like I'm letting him down coz I don't want to be living here.

What do I do????

Well I think he’s only looking at the positives of your current place.

Is he feeling awful about how unhappy you are there and like he’s letting you down?

Has he come with a plan for a chauffeur?

I think he’s letting the whole family down personally.

You are a family, and all deserve to be happy. From your posts your DH seems to be the only family member who enjoys rural living, that seems an unfair split to me. Life is too short to feel miserable about where you live OP.

How did you leave the conversation with DH? Is he amenable to the possibility of moving back or will he not consider it an option at all even with the knowledge that you are unhappy?

Where abouts are you OP?
Sorry if you've already said, I've not time to rtft but I'm in a town in Galway if you need a pal! We moved from England 18months or so ago. We contemplate country living sometimes but I couldn't do it for the reasons you give. Just sending some solidarity ❤️

A family discussion
Ask everyone to do pluses and minuses of living in different locations. Say you'll be able to visit the country also.

Sadly it's not just about one of you

I moved from a small Irish city to a very rural area too. While I'm originally from the countryside, all my adult life was in towns and cities.

He's saying that you'd feel differently if you had more friends, right? Well, when we moved I knew nobody in the area. They all knew DH of course, but not me. So I joined the parents association at school, and within a few months had made several friends. A few years on from that and we do regular nights out and coffee in each other's houses. I also do a hobby in the local town once a week and the other women there are another source of friends.

Childminding is also quite an isolating job - any adults you deal with are the parents of your mindees and there's a professional barrier there to befriending them. Are there local towns where you could work with grown-ups?

But, you do need to BOTH be able to drive. Or at least have a network of other parents who can pool and share the burden with you, or both options.

I commute 3 days a week so when I'm in the local city for work, so I have access those days to the likes of Next, Dunnes, etc. I wouldn't cope if DH couldn't or wouldn't drive! and I'm country stock so I am well used to having to drive to get a pizza!

In my case I hated living in Dublin during Uni, and love the countryside so I do see your husband's point of view. And then yours is the polar opposite. Neither are wrong though...

Does it have to be Dublin/The Sticks or could you compromise, and move to the nearest decent town? That way your H could do a shot commute to his job with minimal traffic commuting outwards, you get that more urban setting that you and the kids would like and everyone gets something?

I really don't think he is open to moving back. I do suffer from depression on and off and I think he thinks this is just a phase I'm going through and I'll be the same when we get back to dublin.

He is a great husband but to be honest I'm not sure if we all want to move back he would come with us 😔

I haven't heard from the schools yet so waiting on that.

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

I'm based in leitrim / roscommon area and its so hard to make friends. Everyone is so established in friendships and a lot of people have lived here all their lives and so have their parents , grandparents etc so they know everyone!!

I really don't think he is open to moving back. I do suffer from depression on and off and I think he thinks this is just a phase I'm going through and I'll be the same when we get back to dublin.

He is a great husband but to be honest I'm not sure if we all want to move back he would come with us 😔

I haven't heard from the schools yet so waiting on that.

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

It's not even about being social. Your kids were able to play in the street with their friends in Dublin. That's not to be underestimated - now you have to engineer all meet ups with kids friends. Being in country makes your life harder and makes it harder for you to socialise as you have to drive kids about. The kids have lots what little autonomy they had.
You moved away from family so all that's support had gone. Ypu have to drive more as you can't get things delivered
This has all made your life harder. Does your dh even acknowledge that

I'm refusing to move to more rural location about 2 miles from where we live as there is no buses, only big country houses so no nearish neighbours for kids to play with. It would be me facilitating pick ups and drop off and arranging play dates. Where at the moment my kids play with other kids on the street. It takes pressure off on an evening and weekend and over the long summers

If his eyesight is so bad he can't drive, how is he going to run survival courses as his only source of income....?

Also, it seems like you're distraught over upsetting him but he isn't as concerned about how unhappy you are?

You are the primary earner, the sole driver, carrying the bulk of childcare and household work, struggle with depression - yet HE gets to decide what your life should be?

Even if you made friends, you'll be so exhausted from driving, working, life admin AND caring for him if his eyes get worse - you won't have time for them.

I feel this situation will make your depression worse. Could it be an option that you move back to Dublin with the kids and leave him to it? Because when he realises he can't drive places he'll be forced to move back with you.

Think he's being selfish because there's nothing he's doing to make your life easier - just dumping more on you, like now you have to work to make friends too!

We left the conversation that I would try be more sociable and see how I get on. It's such a crap situation to be in especially when I was the one to suggest moving here in the first place!!

How has the conversation been left with you trying to be more sociable and not him figuring out how he is going to drive when you work FT.

It’s more work for you in addition to the driving kids and him around, no takeaways so more meals to cook blah blah.

You’re being far too meek.

The more I think about it, the weirder the eyesight thing is.

He wants to live rurally where to get anywhere, you must drive. Yet he can't do that....

He wants to run a bushcraft business which must require him to be able to see to give people on the course reassurance they're safe - but can barely open his eyes some days.

Are you absolutely sure, his eyesight just doesn't get worse when he has to ferry the boys but is fine when it's to drive somewhere important to him. Awful thing to suggest but it just feels too convenient his entire life is set up on being able to see clearly everyday and drive - yet he struggles to drive the children anywhere.

So I've gone from working in a child's home to working from home and taken on another child so i work 3 days a week at the moment. He does the school runs on those days and the sports but it's only been like that for about 2 or 3 weeks. So far his eyesight is holding up fine so I'm not sure if it's on the mend or not.

I do think the kids are lonely and they seem to be fighting a lot more as they are always together which means I have to arrange more playdates and drive them around to make sure they don't feel lonely.

Unfortunately we can't afford to sell and more anywhere else so it's either here or dublin 😥

I said I miss chatting to people at the school gates as they don't do that down here and dh pointed out that our youngest is going into 3rd class in September so I won't be doing the school run for much longer so I'll loose that outlet

I'm going to look into joining a group in the local town and see from there. I joined an app to make friends but nothing really came from it.

Sorry for the long post!! Thanks so much to everyone for listening

He does the school runs on those days and the sports but it's only been like that for about 2 or 3 weeks. So far his eyesight is holding up fine so I'm not sure if it's on the mend or not.

Ah so you threatened him with wanting to leave for Dublin, and now his eyesight is miraculously ok again and he can drive...

Sorry, OP, I think you're being manipulated a bit here because he knows you're too meek.

I do think the kids are lonely and they seem to be fighting a lot more as they are always together which means I have to arrange more playdates and drive them around to make sure they don't feel lonely.

No, he needs to arrange more play dates.

Hi OP, that's hard. I'm originally from rural Ireland and now live in Dublin, I don't think I could move back to living rurally. With regards making friends, do the kids do GAA? could you volunteer there or join the parents association for the school?

Living in a city is so much easier with teens. We are in London and I am so relieved we never moved out when we had kids. Mine get the bus and tube everywhere and the occasional Uber thrown in.

You need to push for the move back. It’s not fair on you.

I'm a couple of hours away from your approximate location I think but if you lived near me I have you over for coffee in a flash.

Do the boys have friends in school? - I'm pretty close to both the mums of DS's best friends now. I offered loads of sleepover playdates for his two best friends (neither mum are in a position at the moment to reciprocate but in a year or two they will when babies are older & house is built) but it was important for DS to have, I thought.

Another couple of friends came about from joining the PA. We just had a night out at the beginning of the month, dinner and drinks and we want to do that every couple of months as it was just so nice.

I got to know the other mothers through the class Whatsapp - I sucked up the cost and threw whole-class parties at soft play to get to meet them. I'm fairly outgoing but it was daunting putting myself out there even for me, but it has paid off.

And my hobby is a sewing one so I do that with a group of women in my area - there's no external socialisation but it's just lovely to go to the classes and chat to other women. Here's one that might be near you? https://www.facebook.com/people/Sewing-Courses-for-Everyone-in-Leitrim-Boyle-and-Longford/100068383602341/

For your husband though - does he have a diagnosis for his eyes? A prognosis? If he's vision imparied or it's likely to be a lifelong thing, then a serious chat is needed, as it's a disability and it may not be a choice to stay rural down the line.

I think I'll ask at the school about the parents association and try joining that maybe ot would be a good way to meet other mums.

My eldest made friends with another boy in class but he's 25 minutes away so can't get there himself we need to arrange for them to hangout more

No diagnosis for his eyes he was in hospital but couldn't find anything wrong apart from having dry eyes which he takes drops for. Not sure why them seem to be on the mend. He can't look at screens much either so any social media for the business is done by me

I was thinking of looking for a book club as I love to read are they even a thing anymore🤣🤣

Honestly, it sounds like his vision problems are psychological manipulation . He's picked up the driving when he knows it might be a dealbreaker for you. And he can't do social media?! Doesn't he know how to enlarge the screen?

I really feel for you and your children, OP and still think you should think about moving back to Dublin. This thread actually feels like a warning to anyone thinking of moving rural, think of the cons not just the pros.

It's not that he can't see it he has glasses for that but if he looks at it his eyes get sore I presume it's from the dry eye thing and he was watching a lot of TV over the winter which I pointed out to him and now he's watching less his eyes are not as bad

Definitely would tell people to think of all the things you don't like about the countryside before moving and think long term what it would be like I wish we had never moved!!!