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Original poster

Dd playmate friend now bulling dd on state of our house

170 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 05/01/2023 16:37

I can't get my head around this. Dd is in year 3. Her friend is 7. She came for a playdate about two months ago. Dd has just told me that her friend has only now started telling people about our house. Dd shares a room ( she is one of four). We live in employers cottage in an extremely money area.

I could understand it if 1) the kid was older 2) it was straight after the event.

How does a little kid get so snooby and nasty about money / size of house so young? Why has it taken two months to become bullying material? I won't be ever having that child in my house again but it's now made wary of any play dates. Dd is my youngest. Never had this angle of bullying before.

OP posts:
mackerelskymackerelsky · 05/01/2023 16:42

What is she telling people?

Kanaloa · 05/01/2023 16:44

How is the bullying taking place? What is this other child actually saying to your child?

Unfortunately kids can be mean or thoughtlessly unkind. If she is bullying your child I’d contact her parent/teacher if happening at school to sort it out.

Jellycats4life · 05/01/2023 16:45

I know what it’s like. We live in an expensive area and, as a result, live in a pretty small three bed semi. Last year a had a 10yo blurt out “Your house is small”.

Slightly older than y3 but kids notice money and status related stuff from a young age.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 05/01/2023 16:46

I wonder if the child is picking up things from their parent? Children don't care about houses etc at this age :(

Lolalovesroses · 05/01/2023 16:49

It does seem unusual, my son just seems to focus on the other child's cool toys. He was excited that his friend had " posh glitter straws" for drinks. Never heard of a child commenting on houses.

DuplicateUserName · 05/01/2023 16:51

Dd has just told me that her friend has only now started telling people about our house.

But you've forgotten to tell us what she's been saying?

CafeCremeMerci · 05/01/2023 16:52

Jellycats4life · 05/01/2023 16:45

I know what it’s like. We live in an expensive area and, as a result, live in a pretty small three bed semi. Last year a had a 10yo blurt out “Your house is small”.

Slightly older than y3 but kids notice money and status related stuff from a young age.

@Jellycats4life

but that's just an observation, not a judgement, especially from a 10 year old. Not all kids get taught that you don't have to say everything that crosses your mind.

'yes it is, but we love it because it's near the park/we have nice neighbours/it's cosy'

I have had some big houses, I'm currently in a small house that would have fit in the kitchen of my old house. (Separated & long story short he really did me over with our business & house) but it's MINE.

girlmom21 · 05/01/2023 16:53

What's she said about your house and what's she said that's bullying?

DuplicateUserName · 05/01/2023 16:53

Jellycats4life · 05/01/2023 16:45

I know what it’s like. We live in an expensive area and, as a result, live in a pretty small three bed semi. Last year a had a 10yo blurt out “Your house is small”.

Slightly older than y3 but kids notice money and status related stuff from a young age.

Was she teasing her about it?

Otherwise that's just a fact surely?

Jellycats4life · 05/01/2023 16:54

DuplicateUserName · 05/01/2023 16:53

Was she teasing her about it?

Otherwise that's just a fact surely?

Show quote history

It was said to me. Factual, but rude, no?

Goodread1 · 05/01/2023 16:55

Hi Op
I think agree she could be picking up either parents attitudes, children minds are like sponges,
Obviously it better for your daughter to be friendly with other children who treat her better,
It's hard lesson in life to have to learn, that's to be more selective who choose to be friends with,

BedfordBloo · 05/01/2023 16:57

Is she being bullied or is it just an observation that a 7yo wouldn't think it's rude to point out? For example "your house is really small" isn't bullying her if it's true and said as a statement of fact. Even statements that adults would find offensive like "your house probably didn't cost much because it's small" isn't bullying - kids don't know any better. I used to think that penthouses would be less expensive because you had to walk all the way up the stairs - it's not bullying though.

BendingSpoons · 05/01/2023 16:58

Is she being deliberately unkind or just insensitive? Questions like 'why do you share a room with your sister?' or statements like 'your house is small' can be upsetting but may not be meant unkindly. If you think she is deliberately upsetting your child, I would speak to the teacher.

DaphneFlower · 05/01/2023 16:58

Dd had a friend who had a huge house and garden. She commented that our garden was tiny. She honestly wasn't being unkind, she was just young and saying what she saw. It is indeed tiny compared to hers. She didn't know that adults don't say that about each others house as its a negative. It depends whether it's being said in a mean way.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/01/2023 17:00

Saying she shares a room isn't a negative is it?

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 05/01/2023 17:00

It's bullying as dd has said the playmate is saying dds room is tiny, untidy and she gasp - shares it with a brother. It's enought to make my dd feel like is a weirdo and she is really upset by it. It's small shared by a 8 and 10 year old both with ASD. It's never going to be a showroom. Toys are on show and in use and its only got about 2m of floorspace with the bunk bed and draws.

I feel embarrassed too. Like we are destitute and I'm failing her. She was in tears last night. I have told the teacher, told the senco but both say its all very normal. I know bullying is normal. I just think this aspect is weird. the other child also lives in a small semi but has a loft conversion and only two siblings. Two BMW on the drive but the mum seems lovely

OP posts:
Cam22 · 05/01/2023 17:01

Snooby?

DuplicateUserName · 05/01/2023 17:01

Jellycats4life · 05/01/2023 16:54

It was said to me. Factual, but rude, no?

Show quote history

I'd say it depends on the child really.

Some mature quicker than others and learn that these facts can come across as rude, at different stages.

Museya15 · 05/01/2023 17:03

I know how she feels, I was tortured because of our childhood home, it was miserable as mud sticks and kids can be cruel. You have my sympathy.x

AlmostSummer21 · 05/01/2023 17:04

Lolalovesroses · 05/01/2023 16:49

It does seem unusual, my son just seems to focus on the other child's cool toys. He was excited that his friend had " posh glitter straws" for drinks. Never heard of a child commenting on houses.

They do though. But it's rare that it's nasty, just an observation.

I had a 5 year old over one afternoon, she kept saying 'your house smells, it smells like Granny's old house'. I was concerned as at the time we were new to the area so didn't have family or friends popping in who would have told me and I was obsessive about cleaning the house (it was one thing I could control).

A couple of hours later her Mum phoned me and said she was so sorry that her DD must have seemed really rude! She'd just told her that she'd said that to me... she then explained her Mum (kids Granny) had died the year before & did I have any jasmine? I said yes, loads just out the French doors. She said her mum had too! And her DD meant it smells nice, like her Granny's house had!!

they'd tried to get some like her Mum had but it didn't smell right, so not long after they came around again & took some cuttings...

said child is now at Uni & her Mum is one of my closest friends & their garden has a full wall of jasmine.

being small/smelly whatever may be a brilliant thing for a child, no need to take offence where none is intended.

if course if it start with 'My Mum says...' it's usually not a good thing!

SwingandaPrayer · 05/01/2023 17:06

I'd just let it blow over. Other kids wont be in the least bit bothered about someone else's bedroom or house is like at that age.

Not sure what you mean by "2 BMWs in the drive but the mum seems lovely" comment is supposed to mean. Could your own hang-ups about social status be being transfered to your daughter which is why she appears upset about it?

BedfordBloo · 05/01/2023 17:07

It's bullying as dd has said the playmate is saying dds room is tiny, untidy and she gasp - shares it with a brother.

All these things are true though - it doesn't make it bullying. I'm sorry your DD was upset by it and the other girl should now be taught that these comments can upset people but it doesn't make it bullying. Children point out things that are different about other people and their circumstances - it's rude but they don't realise it's rude, it upsets people but they don't mean to upset them. It's not bullying unless she's doing it because she wants to hurt your DD. There's nothing wrong with a small house, sharing a room, or not living in a show home. Kindly, I think you're projecting your (unnecessary) insecurities about your lifestyle onto your DD and thinking that any comment must be a criticism. It was probably just an observation - if she lived in a mansion it would be a comment that the gym was out of action or the stables smelled or the pool boy had a big nose.

Kanaloa · 05/01/2023 17:07

Has the child literally said just that? If it’s repeated and making your child feel bad then I’d ask school to have a word about unkind comments. If she has literally said just once ‘your room is small and messy and you share it with your brother’ then that isn’t really bullying, although it is rude.

Is the room very untidy? Do you support her to tidy it?

Movingsoon21 · 05/01/2023 17:08

Oh OP I’m sorry you’ve all been upset by this but I think children just haven’t learnt what’s rude yet etc. I had a school friend whose parents had a huge house and garden and when she first came to our house she looked outside and said “wow, your garden is tiny! How do you play in it?!” It made me feel really bad, even though our garden actually wasn’t a bad size and I’d loved it until then!

I got the last laugh though as she continued to be rude to people so didn’t have many friends, whereas I had loads!

I’d use this situation to teach your child to be grateful for what they have, to not be rude or hurtful to others, and to ditch friends who are mean to them. It will make them stronger in the end!

and don’t be put off play dates - not all kids are like that!

thunderstruckk · 05/01/2023 17:08

She shouldn't be made to feel like a weirdo, but kids are at that age where they notice things - at 7 the child might not be fully tactful and realise that by telling people about the situation that it's upsetting your DD? It doesn't sound (unless there's other comments not mentioned) like the child is saying anything that isn't true? I'm not sure if I'm just being obtuse, but it does sound small, she does share it with her brother and you've said it's not a show home and toys are out so it probably is a bit untidy? Compared to someone with only two siblings at home and their own room they've probably just noticed it's different.

But tbh you've mentioned the other child's house and talked about a loft conversion and 2 BMWs on the drive - so even at adult ages you're talking about someone else's house, are you at all projecting on your DC?