Dd playmate friend now bulling dd on state of our house

[IncessantNameChanger]

I can't get my head around this. Dd is in year 3. Her friend is 7. She came for a playdate about two months ago. Dd has just told me that her friend has only now started telling people about our house. Dd shares a room ( she is one of four). We live in employers cottage in an extremely money area.

I could understand it if 1) the kid was older 2) it was straight after the event.

How does a little kid get so snooby and nasty about money / size of house so young? Why has it taken two months to become bullying material? I won't be ever having that child in my house again but it's now made wary of any play dates. Dd is my youngest. Never had this angle of bullying before.

Your two BMW's on the drive comment followed by 'but the mum seems lovely' is you making comments on them and their home even though you are here because you think their daughter is bullying your daughter with comments about your house.

I don't think it's bullying at all for the child to say you have a small house and your children share a room. She was staying facts.

@IncessantNameChanger

Teach your daughter to say 'and?' Or 'so what?' Put them on the back foot to explain why that's worthy of comment.

& Mind your own attitude, your DD is learning to bristle & feel bullied because if your attitude!

My dd said to me the other day ‘x’s room is the untidiest I’ve ever seen’ but she was saying it as a positive thing, persuading me that he could come straight over even though our house was v untidy! Kids do notice things, but I think it’s unusual to be judgemental rather than factual about it.

Love the story about the jasmine

I feel embarrassed too. Like we are destitute and I'm failing her.

Could these ^^ feelings be something to do with how you've taken the 7 year old's comments?

I mean if you have 4 kids, I'm assuming you live in a 3 bed cottage? So how does that make you feel 'destitute and like you're failing her'?

Bit dramatic isn't it?

I don't think it was necessarily meant unkindly if it's the truth. Children can state things bluntly as they see them. Is the room small and untidy? She probably just meant as a comparison to hers. You say your child has ASD so it's more likely she has been sensitive and taken it to heart when the other child didn't mean anything by it.

It's bullying as dd has said the playmate is saying dds room is tiny, untidy and she gasp - shares it with a brother

you Need to explain further how this is bullying, is it not true? If it is true then I fail to see how it’s bullying, there is nothing to be ashamed of, you shouldn’t be expecting the kid to keep it secret and accuse her of bullying if she tells anyone.

Agree that it’s a bit ironic you are judging other people who own two BMWs. Why are you implying the mother might not be nice?

It seems adults can be judgemental, too, and they should know better.

@AlmostSummer21

What a lovely story though

Toys are on show and in use and its only got about 2m of floorspace with the bunk bed and draws

i don’t wish to be semantic, but I also don’t think it’s right to let people just keep making this error. They are drawers. Draws is the plural of the verb to draw, as in art. The things you put stuff in are called drawers.💐

I think it is rude for a child to negatively compare a friend's house, and frankly by Y3 that should be obvious (although apparently not to some people commenting here). In YR it might be a lack of social skills, but by Y3 I would guess she is using it to get a bit of social dominance. I would encourage other friendships and not invite this child into my home until she improves her attitude.

Pedantic not semantic @Begoniasforever

The irony!

Its not bullying its a child bluntly stating facts. And 8yr old girl sharing with a 10 yr old boy will be seen as odd by some people.
Perhaps your dd is embarrassed. It doesn't mean it's bullying.

Can people be ‘semantic’ themselves? I have not heard it used that way before, as I have always seen it used in relation to language. Or did you mean ‘pedantic’? Happy to be corrected.

This always happens when people start correcting others! It’s better to say nothing ;-)

I think the issue here (for the doggedly obtuse amongst us) is that the other child is doing it to make OP's DD feel small, its said with intent - not simply stating a fact. My kids are adults now but I had a very similar situation OP. And also a school that would counter any complaints with "no its not", basically just gainsay everything you say. I'm with the OP, but I agree teaching a few comebacks like "yes? And?" "why is that a problem" might help (but not sure such a young child could pull that off).

I had comments at playdates like "we can't possibly stay here for tea, there's no Wii", "its sad you don't ski all the best people do", "your house is very small" (just a few examples) and to me : "there's no downstairs toilet so I can't be expected to go upstairs, why do you only have one bathroom?", and finally a boy walked in and said to his mum accompanying him "I can't play here this house is too dirty". All said with nose crinkled in disgust and then sniggering. The kids at the time were in year 1 and 2.

you Need to explain further how this is bullying, is it not true? If it is true then I fail to see how it’s bullying

Nobody could be this obtuse. If the mother was obese and the friend was skipping around school singing "Your mother is SOOO FAT!" it would be factually true, but the intent would be to cause hurt and place another child in an inferior position. "Your house is SOOO SMALL! I can't belieeeeeeve you have to share. I would hate that SOOO much" has the same effect.

Can people be ‘semantic’ themselves?

You're right, they can't. Not in the context it was used here, in any case.

I don't mean to be pedantic but that's not what "semantic" means. Although you are, of course, correct about draws/drawers.

The correct word is semantic, which relates to the meaning of language

pedantic means concerned with minor rules. Which is not what I was writing, the sentence is correct.

We live in a 'monied' area in a respectable but normal 3 bed detached. I'm afraid the apples don't fall far from the tree. If the parents are narcissistic snobs, the kids will follow suit and we've seen a LOT of this shitty behaviour in DCs class already in foundation FGS!

I'd assume they're learning from their parents and I'd strongly suggest your DC finds nicer friends because they won't change.

We’re in a similar situation, and some lovely gems I’ve heard from DCs classmates include “You live in a flat? Are you poor?” and “I thought only people from other countries had flats and english people had houses!” Both from nice enough kids with parents who would probably be mortified if I relayed their comments, but children are just very tactless!

DS has recently started at a secondary school with a much more varied intake than the affluent primary where DD still goes, and it was a bit of a relief to collect him from a new friends house and see that they lived in a charmingly cluttered small flat.

I'm sorry but no. "Semantic" makes absolutely no sense at all in that context. You can't be semantic - it's not an adjective relating to humans, it's an adjective relating to words or phrases. You're not a word/phrase, you can't be "semantic".

FFS 🙄🙄

Its a funny thing with some of these children. They play happily with your child at school then they come for tea and eat food they flatly refuse to at home (mum is shocked they actually ate fish fingers) and then some time later on they stop playing with your child full stop and the nastiness in the playground starts followed by the mother blanking you in the playground. It's textbook. You just have to rise above it and carry on blissfully (or not)