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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS told us he knows what sex is

344 replies

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 02:58

I never imagined this scenario. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. But also please be gentle. I was a child of the 70s and my mum & dad sat me down one day and told me the ins and outs of sex when I was about 13. It was a very uncomfortable experience tbh. But it seems that the job of telling DS (9) has already been done for us by no other than our neighbour's kid who's 10. Now please tell me if you think this is bad and should I go round and see his parents? Or would you just leave it? DH has told him about the birds and bees which is as far as the school have got. But i can't stop thinking that our DS's innocence has now gone completely thanks to the kid next door, who incidentally is a bit if a twat!
WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 03:41

NewBootsAndRanty · Today 03:36

Be pleased he's comfortable discussing his knowledge with you.
I agree with pp that he really should have been taught more than plant pollination by now.

thank you 😊

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 05/01/2023 03:42

I guess it's good he knows now but 9 just seems too young,

Knowing how reproduction works isn’t really any different from knowing how digestion works. It’s just knowledge about the human body. It isn’t an introduction to sexual desire.

It would be sensible at this point to double check with him what he actually knows and fill in any gaps/correct any misunderstandings and also start laying down the foundation for getting him to feel free to talk to you about his body and his concerns about sex as he matures. He may not go through puberty for a few years, but it wouldn’t be abnormal for him to start at 9.

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/01/2023 03:44

I think you should focus on WHAT he has been told and is it accurate, rather than who told him.

You had two choices - you tell him, or someone else will and you messed that up I think.

Kids should be told very early on, obviously in an age appropriate way, but clearly and without coy euphemisms and weird analogies, and it is easier if they're curious and ask questions, but they still should be told.

Lack of information leaves room for mis-information and leaves kids at risk.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 05/01/2023 03:44

My dd was told about sex by a friend who's mum was pregnant.
Dd got off the coach after her Brownie day out and told us everything she had learned on the way home.
She was 9.
We just confirmed her new information and carried on with our evening.
I did mention it to the girls mum because we're good friends and we both laughed about it.

StoppinBy · 05/01/2023 03:46

My 9 year old daughter saw a condom machine in a public toilet the other day, she did already know that males have the 'seed' and females have the egg but I hadn't got to telling her how they get together. I told her when she asked about the condoms.

She told me.... her 8 year old friend had already told her that penises go into vaginas 😱. I was surprised that her friend knew so young and that she hadn't been told to keep it to herself as other kids might not know yet.

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

Liorae · 05/01/2023 03:55

StoppinBy · 05/01/2023 03:46

My 9 year old daughter saw a condom machine in a public toilet the other day, she did already know that males have the 'seed' and females have the egg but I hadn't got to telling her how they get together. I told her when she asked about the condoms.

She told me.... her 8 year old friend had already told her that penises go into vaginas 😱. I was surprised that her friend knew so young and that she hadn't been told to keep it to herself as other kids might not know yet.

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

This is all beginning to sound a bit like the Santa "don't ruin my child's innocence by telling them the truth" crap.

Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 03:57

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

Thanks, this is interesting and exactly what I'm trying to say. Should I see the parents and tell them what their DS has been saying?

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 05/01/2023 04:03

I'm a child of the 70s and knew plenty by age 9 because my parents answered my questions as they came up. I know I was years younger than 9 when I asked where babies came from and got a fairly straight but very brief answer. 9 seems quite old to me to not at least know the basic mechanics of it.

Liorae · 05/01/2023 04:06

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 03:57

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

Thanks, this is interesting and exactly what I'm trying to say. Should I see the parents and tell them what their DS has been saying?

It won't make your child unknow what he now knows. So what is your aim? To ensure the child that told him is punished for enlightening your child?

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/01/2023 04:06

Do you not think that telling kids NOT to discuss it with each other/others means you're starting out telling that sex is a secret thing not to be talked about?

Can you not see how that could be problematic?

MrsHughesPinny · 05/01/2023 04:07

I was told by someone at school when I was about 7, but then my Mum told me anyway when I was 9. Which was just as well, because I started my period at 10. We were all told at school that same year.

I agree that you can’t shield kids from the biological facts, and they should also know the proper names for body parts from day one. For safeguarding reasons if nothing else. It sounds like you probably have religious reasons for wanting to prevent your child knowing yet, but ignorance isn’t good when it comes to knowledge about our own bodies.

lifeinthehills · 05/01/2023 04:07

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 03:57

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

Thanks, this is interesting and exactly what I'm trying to say. Should I see the parents and tell them what their DS has been saying?

In this day and age, considering all the information out there, I doubt they'd be shocked that their ten year old knows. All they can really do is tell him to not discuss it with other kids as some parents don't want their kids to know. I'd want to be sure that this kind of message didn't carry connotations of shame around sex though, so might give my child some commentary about why some people are so secretive with middle aged kids.

Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:11

Thank you everyone for all the helpful advice.
I knew I had to turn to MN!

No, my reasons aren't religious.DH and i were just trying to follow what the school has covered as honestly they have only got as far as pollination!

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 05/01/2023 04:14

I hope you've at least taught him about puberty. At 9 he might be experiencing some changes, so it's better he is aware rather than confused.

WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 04:15

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 03:57

I did tell my daughter not too discuss it with her friends as I think at that she it's up to the parents as to what they want their kids to know.

Thanks, this is interesting and exactly what I'm trying to say. Should I see the parents and tell them what their DS has been saying?

Why do they need to know?

The child probably got it of children from school unless home-schooling I guess

Sure I don't want to think of my child knowing about grown up things until they are 200, but seriously kids talk and I would rather my child know the basic facts first.

I don't see what on earth you hope to achieve bur talking them?

If you came to me and told me I would say 'OK and?'

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 05/01/2023 04:18

I definitely didn’t want my DC to hear it from school first - can you imagine the shock on their faces to hear it from their teacher rather than from you. They are taught actual reproduction in Year 5. They use correct terminology and in fact they label both male and female parts in their science books.

Surely he’s aware of puberty by now anyway?

Fraaahnces · 05/01/2023 04:20

Honestly, while you’re right to be surprised, you really ought to have a chat about what he knows and make sure that it’s factual.(Kids misinterpret things sometimes) It is absolutely normal for kids to know by this age. I would also use this as an opportunity to talk to him about consent, reminding him that there should never be any secrets between you and him. If Daddy of Grandma or Grandad or Auntie or a Teacher asks you to keep a secret, you let them know that you will always tell your mummy. (This will deter paedophiles from trying to convince kids to play “secret/special” games or enlist other kids to groom new children.)

Fraaahnces · 05/01/2023 04:20

Honestly, while you’re right to be surprised, you really ought to have a chat about what he knows and make sure that it’s factual.(Kids misinterpret things sometimes) It is absolutely normal for kids to know by this age. I would also use this as an opportunity to talk to him about consent, reminding him that there should never be any secrets between you and him. If Daddy of Grandma or Grandad or Auntie or a Teacher asks you to keep a secret, you let them know that you will always tell your mummy. (This will deter paedophiles from trying to convince kids to play “secret/special” games or enlist other kids to groom new children.)

Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:21

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 05/01/2023 04:18

I definitely didn’t want my DC to hear it from school first - can you imagine the shock on their faces to hear it from their teacher rather than from you. They are taught actual reproduction in Year 5. They use correct terminology and in fact they label both male and female parts in their science books.

Surely he’s aware of puberty by now anyway?

No he isn't! He's 9. I don't think he's old enough yet. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur! I just really resent the kid next door telling him.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 04:23

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:21

No he isn't! He's 9. I don't think he's old enough yet. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur! I just really resent the kid next door telling him.

Show quote history

How do you know he hasn't picked up things from school? If he goes to school

Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:26

WandaWonder · 05/01/2023 04:23

How do you know he hasn't picked up things from school? If he goes to school

Show quote history

He probably has picked things up at school but when we asked him where he heard it, he said it was the kid next door who apparently provided a detailed description!

OP posts:
Teafor1please · 05/01/2023 04:27

A 9 year old really should know about puberty and you should tell him. You can't be annoyed that he knows about sex. It's not bad to know about biology.

Original poster
BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:28

I know most people here advise against but I'm going to broach the subject with the parents. I feel it's inappropriate what their kid is saying to DS.

OP posts:
Teafor1please · 05/01/2023 04:30

What's he said that's inappropriate?

Liorae · 05/01/2023 04:32

BooseysMom · 05/01/2023 04:28

I know most people here advise against but I'm going to broach the subject with the parents. I feel it's inappropriate what their kid is saying to DS.

Go ahead and make a fool of yourself if that's what you want. I suspect you will be the laughing stock of the school gated for weeks. Don't open your child to the bullying that might transpire.