AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Do they listen to you at all? You've told them you want to keep costs down, you've suggested going by train, implying you would prefer not to drive. It's time to put family first and as others have said tell them you cannot make it on this occasion. They are showing a complete lack of empathy for your situation. Get your friend a gift, or take her for the meal you suggested if you want to, don't provide cash for them to use, that's insane, you don't need to pay them guilt money. Please don't let them use and abuse you.

YANBU. As friends they should understand everyone's individual circumstances and quite frankly if they valued their friendships they'd arrange to do something within everyone's budget because it should be about who's there, not where you are.

You can definitely say no, and you know that, and you don’t need us to tell you that. If you do need us/someone to tell you that, you should consider why that is i.e do you often feel you need other people to validate your decisions? Appreciate that’s sort of what this forum is for, but your situation is very clear cut.

Have you told your friends no and stuck to your guns on it before now? From the examples you’ve given (“they keep saying they want me to come” - of course they do - they’re your friends) it sounds like you want them (or someone) to tell you it’s okay rather than you just being clear and decisive. Are they used to you saying you don’t think you’ll make it, they encourage you, and then you change your mind and go? Maybe they think you want them to persuade you to go and they’re getting a bit tired of it?

if they don’t go because you don’t go/the driving issue it might be a wake up call for them re these trips being unfeasible.

Ps talk to the birthday girl 1-1 to explain, and do something with her separately. Don’t send cash. If this was a one off trip it might be different but not if it’s a common occurrence.

Sorry - 2 nights away not feasible with a young child.
OR
Can't afford it
OR
When you know the date - DH working and no childcare
At 30, people need to realise others have grown up and have responsibilities. She's not 21.

@Morph22010

I was also wondering if the group bought OP a gift for her 30th. It's relevant after all this pressure.

In lockdown lots of companies were still sending out stuff.

P.S I wouldn't send cash. Just give her a present.

Sounds like it is time to sit down and say life changes and what we used to do when we were younger and single isn’t doable now. Once you have kids you have less time, less money, and less energy. You need to adapt to the new normal and that is perhaps a nice meal out. Then home to bed. I don’t know anyone who does these trips like you describe. All sounds lovely until it isn’t. Sounds like you have grown up and they haven’t.

Any news about them today op ?

YANBU. I wouldn't go if I were you. Your circumstances have changed and so have your priorities. I couldn't imagine any of my friends being upset with me for not going for the reasons you stated. I have very good and understanding friends. It sounds like you don't.
A close friend of mine got married in Paris a couple of years ago over a weekend. She asked me if I would be able to go. If I couldn't she would have been ok with it. I did go but that 3 day trip really hurt me financially. I spent over £500!!!!!
Just say no to your "friends!"

OP
I think you should link this thread in the WhatsApp group. Before you leave it for good.

Sounds like it’s time to back away from this group A LOT. If you ever do decide to go out with this group again say “I’m not driving. I’ve done my share, it’s someone else’s turn - you guys decide who..”. Watch them squirm.

This is mad. You know this is mad, right?

Sorry I can’t come.

Buy your mate a card and a gift.

🤷‍♀️

I am so sorry for how she treated you. That is awful, I hope this year improves for you

glad you’ve stood up to them OP.

out of curiosity, if you told them you are unable to drive for a year as you’ve just been diagnosed with a medical condition that means you have to temporarily give your license up, do you think they’d still be as keen to find a way to get you to come along? I think they will tell you whether they really want you there, or if they want you to come along as the taxi driver.

Good luck establishing boundaries this year!

How can you go away for 2 nights in a hotel with meals and petrol and drinks and activities for £300? That’s so cheap! It will surely cost way more than that?
mid you don’t to go, just say you can’t afford it - simples.

Please think about this... If your friends can't financially go because you don't go then they are using you for your money and for transport. I get it numbers help lower costs but if you've stated you can't because of x, y or z and they make you feel like you are letting them down then they aren't your friends.

If that's how they supposedly 'evenly' split the bill knowing that you've had a small meal, no alcohol and you've driven them WOW fuck that! Our driver usually gets a reasonably priced meal(s), coffees or if it's a fair drive a tank of petrol paid for by the rest of the group just to show appreciation, I'm sorry OP your 'friends' are treating you terribly.

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’?

This is all you need to say. No reason to go into further details.

Your personal financial position is just that 'personal'.

Why are people suggesting she sends cash or a gift?! No one got her anything. Don't give them anything at all, fuck them.

No thanks, have a great time, look forward to hearing about it when you get back. I wouldn't contribute a cent either towards anything for the bday girl. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think when you are no longer of any use, your "friends " won't be calling as often.

Yanbu- at some point you need to put your family situation first . My daughter has similar issues with her friendship group and it is ridiculous how much she spends each year on these types of “celebrations”. You are obviously the first one in your group who is reaching adulthood and realising that life is not one long party any more. Be strong, lead the way and say NO!! If they sulk let them - they will eventually catch up in the maturity levels. If they don’t well you have your own toddler to deal with now…..

YADNBU!! I don’t know where to begin! This is wrong on so many levels on their part, not yours! Don’t go put the cash towards a family holiday, they are using you.

That's horrible. Do you still have her message from yours? I would send it back to her then drop her as a friend as she clearly isn't one. Hope things get better for you.

This is beautifully worded. I wish someone had said this to me a few years ago when I was in the OPs situation. I feel like you should write a book of life advice!

Thank you. The incident was a few years back now. Her hen do was a bit of a disaster, with lots of people falling out and a couple going home early… so I was pleased to not go. We are still in touch but only the odd text to say happy birthday etc. It’s sad as we were once extremely close and saw each other through a lot..
People change though.