AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

Kindly decline and don't pay any money towards it. Not your holiday/break. Would the others do the same if they didn't attend?

Urgh how bloody tiresome

Will others want to do big trips for their 30ths!

I hate all this. Your suggestion of one trip a year is
Good

I wouldn't go

You don't have to say you can't afford it. They know and don't care. Just say you can't manage it this time. Don't give any money. Take the BG out after. Please don't go.

This says everything!

Wow, just saw your update saying that they missed two of your birthdays completely and only a card when your baby was born. The birthday girl now recognises this was bad since she's been pregnant.
That is shocking. I've bowed out of groups like this before.

Are they expecting you to go now because it's closer? That's how I read it.

Things change when you have a little one, if they are your real friends they will understand you can't afford it and it's not convienient. Your family comes first now! X Just say no you can't afford it and can't get child care!

They sound like complete users. You’re best off sticking with friends, who appreciate your kindness.

Sounds like they want a driver for the trip. Do they chip in for the gas or offer to drive some of the time? They are ignoring your suggestions, don't want your input and don't care about your issues. Friends???? I would decline and maybe take the birthday girl out for a meal after the trip. Do what's best for you and your family. Good Luck.

Offer money for the birthday girl or give the birthday girl a separate gift

NO NO NO!!!

They want you there as a taxi and a financial contributor! They’re not friends if they’re not taking your views and needs into account!
DO NOT OFFER TO CONTRIBUTE TO A HOLIDAY YOU'RE NOT GOING ON!! You’re not a bloody cash point! Just say NO….
‘Hi guys I’ve given this lots of thought and as the celebration is further away than I’m comfortable with, more expensive than I’d budgeted for and childcare is difficult and costly I won’t be coming. I’m sorry but that is my final decision. I know you’ll all understand. Thank you.

the OP already declined yesterday.

Your suggested text to them is fine. Look after yourself. They’ll get over it and , if they don’t, tough. You won’t be spoiling anyones holiday. Sounds like some of them just want their own way and they don’t want any problems. Send a card and gift. Good luck.

Are you honestly saying you drive, don’t drink and STILL pay 1/5th of the drinks bill?!? NO FKN WAY!!!! They are taking the piss and if my ‘friends’ did this to me I would literally state that I will be buying my own drinks from the bar and not going on with the tab…. I’d also tell them all that petrol money will be £20 each

YANBU - AT ALL!

I think your proposal for a simple "I won't be coming" is perfectly fine. I definitely wouldn't be going if I was in your position.

My daughter often finds herself in similar situations as she's the only one of her friendship group (late 20s/early 30s) who has a child. Several of her well-paid friends still live with parents and pay either nothing or a minimal amount towards their 'keep'. It's unlikely they will really be able to understand until or unless they find themselves in similar circumstances.

I really get how annoying it is to be taken for granted re driving. I have a very close friend who's never bothered to learn how to drive. When she was single she lived close to central London with great transport links. Since she married, her husband does all the driving. She and I go on holidays/short breaks together quite regularly and I got so fed up of her expecting I would act like her chauffer. She'd always have plans for us to visit places difficult to reach by public transport. The final straw was when she planned a walk that ended at a country pub which sold craft beers - which she worked her way through into the evening, while I drank overpriced sparkling water. The next time we went away I said I was fine to drive to where we'd be staying, but all excursions would be on foot, by public transport or by cab.

Stick to your guns OP. Being a good friend doesn't mean being taken for granted - or spending money you can't afford.

I think the cost of living crisis makes it acceptable to say no.

Even without that, I would be saying no.

Not unreasonable at all to say you aren’t going and absolutely no need to contribute either if you’re not going, unless that’s her actual birthday present.

Wow ! What a piss take.. you sound too nice. I’d defo decline with the cost of things today. Don’t be bullied into this just to suit them.. if they are true mates they will understand. Not worth losing sleep over, put yourself first. That’s my New Year’s resolution 🤷‍♀️

Well done OP! You don’t need them in your life!

I’m delighted you won’t be their doormat any longer, @simonsay , brilliant! I was getting more and more annoyed on your behalf. I’m glad you won’t be sending money either, that’s a mad idea and a complete bend over while they snigger move, so good that you’re not doing it.

There is absolutely no shame in declining this.

This is not a test of how much you love your friend.

Anyone who thinks strength of friendship can be measured in £££ spent on a birthday is a moron.

If you’re there for your friend the rest of the year, it shouldn’t matter whether you go to this or not.

Yup, this. Sorry op but this does sound like one of the (main?) reasons you are invited is to drive these freeloaders places. You really need to stand up for yourself here - just say no.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Another vote for "Just say no". Sounds like you've already gone beyond in previous contributions and called a limitation. Line drawn.

No don't go, spending that much when you have different priorities is madness