AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty!

That is their choice, not your responsibility - especially if you are expected to be the taxi service.

I think what you are offering- to make a contribution to a weekend you won't be attending - is more than generous.

Please DON'T let them emotionally blackmail you like this. It's beyond ridiculous.

Not unreasonable. Your compromise sounds like a good idea.

Sorry, missed some posts - realise you have now declined. Well done! CFs the lot of them!

You have already indicated that these birthday bashes are becoming too much of a worry for you financially. Your friends appear not to have got the message - or, if they have, they are just ignoring your situation.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to re-state that, for a number of reasons but especially because you cannot really afford this trip, you won't be able to go. Contribute to the present and wish them a good time but stick to your guns. These people don't seem much like real friends as they keep pressuring you.

I don't mean to sound cliche, but this really is an age thing, I am in my 50;s and I have never had to make such ridiculous decisions, what is wrong with people nowadays why does every thing have to be so OTT ! Just say no its really that easy!

I don’t think you really need an answer to your question, but try ‘hey guys have fun on your trip and happy birthday! I’ll see you when you get back’ and remove yourself from the WhatsApp group. Really what you need is to find a new group of friends, which is a painful reality that most of us go through at some point. You are not being respected and that’s very clear from your post. You deserve friends who value, respect and support you.

Fuck em. Now you've told them you aren't going, just leave the WhatsApp group! You don't need people like that in your life. I don't even know you and am livid that they did nothing for your 30th, even after you mentioned it! Horrible people.

You sound so so nice, and a lovely friend, and they sound awful.

I think you’re at a great time to make new friends. There’s no shame in it, we have different stages of life, and you’re at a different one to them (the one with the baby still wants to be a big party girl).

As my daughter once said ‘it’s time to draw a line under them’ (she wasn’t referring to friends, she was 7, and for some reason decided her obsession with scooby doo and his gang had run it’s course 😂)

You’ll find some lovely mummy mates with much more in common with you, and they’ll see how brilliant you are. Because you really do sound brilliant.

Nah! Fuc that. Politely decline rising costs, child care and buy her a thoughtful present instead that will be appreciated.

Why don’t you leave the birthday group chat, then that’s you out of the planning

What a bunch of dicks

Sorry op and you deserve so much better

I bet they have got another group where they're discussing stuff without you. How utterly shite

Here's a belated mini happy 30th 🎉🎂

Well it will be them who will feel stupid years later, when they reflect back and realise the friendship fell out because you couldn't afford to go on a weekend away. Good riddance OP, spend time with better people, life is too short 🙂

This, don't feel guilty. You know how you feel and you would not enjoy anyway.

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s so horrible to realise you’re just being used and that your ‘friends’ aren’t friends at all.

They sound like they’ve actually been really horrible to you. I’m really glad you’ve said no, are standing up to them, are not spending any more money facilitating their shit, and have other lovely friends.

Well done you and for the shit they’ve put you through.

I’m they do book somewhere for a night that you want to go and can afford simply don’t drive. Say you’re getting the train and will meet them there.

Agree with PP - ‘sorry money is really tight now and I can’t afford it. As mentioned I would happily join for dinner before or after the trip.’

also please don’t give them money! It will probably just go towards everything and you won’t get mentioned as you’re not there. If you want to send something, send it directly to the birthday girl ‘here’s some money for a few cocktails’ or take her somewhere yourself.

Each of your adult friends plans a weekend away for their birthday every year? I literally don't understand this... I've never heard anything like it. So it's like a hen weekend but EVERY YEAR on EVERYONE'S birthdays? Am I the only one completely baffled by this?! Who can afford that? Who has the time? They expect you to leave your toddler that often? I'm lucky if my friends and I manage to get together a few times a year for dinner these days with kids to factor in (I'm a similar age).

Obviously say no. Doesn't sound like it'll be popular but you have other priorities now and that's okay.

It's liberating to say "not for me this one - sorry guys - enjoy "

Or.
evening guys, husband and I have been looking at taking a family holiday this year and we’ve been sat number crunching.. unfortunatly I can’t afford to do both a family holiday and a girls weekend so am going to have to bow out of the weekend. Hope you all have a fab time

They clearly have another whatsapp group, and I'm sure they're all p'd off that they've lost their free driver and subsidizer for the weekend they want ... conveniently at your expense. After doing fuck all for you for a baby and 2 birthdays.

I'm glad you've finally seen the light, OP. These are not your friends.

They sound so flaky op your right let them off. You dont need people like that. Nobody likes being used

I’d be intrigued to know what they would be saying on a separate WhatsApp group!

Isn’t X horrid, we will have to drive ourselves on holiday now! How selfish!

Isn’t x horrid as she isn’t coming on this birthday weekend when we all organised something for her…oh, wait!!

There’s no shame in saying you can’t afford to go especially in this financial climate. But also, why have you allowed yourself to become the free transport. All you have to do is say you can’t be bothered driving any more.

My sentiments entirely!!

This ^^