AIBU to decline a expensive birthday trip

[simonsay]

I’m considering declining a weekend away for my friends 30th birthday surprise. Just looking for some opinions on whether you think IABU or whether you think it’s justifiable. I can’t sleep thinking about this so I need it off my chest. This is a long one, sorry!

1. Every birthday celebration gets bigger and bigger each year regardless of the number. I suggested last year to my group of friends, that we should all just go away for one weekend for all our birthdays rather than going away for several seperate trips, as it was getting too expensive and some of us now have children. That went down really well and I thought great, finally I don’t have to spend £100s several times a year. However as this birthday is a 30th birthday everyone thinks this needs its own celebration! I said okay as long as it wasn’t in the same price range as the last one (£200+)...it’s now exceeding it.

1. I’ve suggested staying closer to home to avoid accommodation fees, however the person suggesting the locations (all about 4 hours away or abroad) and finding the accommodation is also the one who doesn’t drive (can drive, just won’t drive) - I know I will be expected to drive as I always end up being the taxi because I don’t drink often, so while they all get to relax in the back of the car, I have 8 hours worth of driving to do minimum plus whatever else they have in mind. I’ve suggested a train but that’s been poo-pooed because it’s too expensive ironically.

1. They want to go away for 2 nights now because the location they have chosen is so far away, but the days they want to go are difficult for me with childcare as my DH works full time/evenings. I will need to pay for a extra day of nursery at £60 if they have space for DC.

1. The birthday girl won’t be paying for most of her trip so I not only have to pay for myself, but also contribute for the birthday girl, as well as activities, meals etc which always end up costing a fortune as they are never satisfied with doing one thing.

1. I’ve said I can’t afford alot because my life has changed now, I work part time, I have a young toddler and all our bills are increasing (mortgage will be a extra £300 a month from July if rates stay the same). They insist they want me there but aren’t taking into account my financial situation. I think by the time all is done, this will cost me about £300 possibly more.

I feel like I am ruining their weekend to be honest.

I have said several times I will happily contribute what I can afford, and I will just see them for a meal before or after the trip to save on the expense. They aren’t happy with that, they want me there as it’s such a big occasion which is a lovely sentiment, but they just aren’t getting it.
The reason I am writing this now is because I said this evening I wasn’t able to go on one of the dates they suggested, as there is no one to look after DC (even nursery doesn’t have space that day) - typically this was the date with the best price for the accommodation…I’ve been ignored all evening. The conversation on our other WhatsApp was flowing all evening up until that point so I know it’s because they are annoyed at me. If I’m honest, I feel like I get invited to most of these things because they need someone to drive and/or need a extra person to keep the cost down for them - they seem to make most of the decisions without me and just expect me to cough up the cash.

I know they won’t go if I say I’m not as they won’t want to spend the extra money so it makes me feel guilty! I also feel like I’m being awkward as it’s always me that has a issue with dates/cost etc (only since having my baby for obvious reasons), I don’t really like the idea of being so far away from my DC either and finally I would rather put that £300 towards a small family holiday with DH and DC.

Should I even need to explain my personal financial situation in such detail to people over a glorified birthday party? It’s actually quite humiliating!

AIBU to just say ‘look gals, I’m not coming. I’ll send you some cash for the birthday girl and you lot go ahead. I’ll meet you for some drinks/meal to celebrate another time’??

So many questions!

HELP ME PLEASE

I don’t even think you need to state why you can’t attend.. I’ve been dreadful with events the last 3 years. I’m 30 now, in my final year of my midwifery degree, juggling working full time, my 3 girls, my Autistic Stepson, Uni Essays & my OH. I’m busy all the time and when I’m not I am mentally and physically exhausted! Yet my friends would neverrrr try to guilt me into attending something like this. I’m still never left out regardless on the number of times I decline, but my friendship group has dwindled due to other commitments (as it naturally does).

I’m sorry your “friends” aren’t this way, but you really do learn through life that you outgrow certain circles as life changes and you branch off in different directions.

Sorry - just caught up.

Do you and partner share a car? That would be an easy one, you won't be driving so will all have to get trains, if your own then is waiting to go in the garage that weekend to be fixed??

Otherwise simply explain what you've said here. A big birthday doesn't need to be such an expensive event. Of course your friends want you to be there but yes a bonus for them to be chauffeured so if that part is taken away see what the reaction is?

I've always been a soft touch, still am, but would say how I feel. Xx

How hard is it to just read the OP’s posts before launching in with advice that’s actually useful, instead of completely redundant?

I agree @HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce .

I think MN should make it a default that the oP's posts are highlighted.

Easy, Just say No and get some new friends, these ones don't sound that great tbh.

I've read all your posts O.P and well done for being firm and putting you and your family first...
I'm sure they loved your company too bit they do also sound like cheeky users. As you said you have lots of other good long term friends who are good people and you are also making new friends and connections because of your baby. It's really important and helpful to be around other mums with babies and children of a similar age and life does move on and I really would forget those girls. They really don't sound nice at all!
Also, another thing but I can not believe they would make you pay for your own lemonades when you would have been ferrying them around, that is just shocking.

Also, slightly separate but my friends and I are planning a weekend away to celebrate all of our birthdays and we are looking somewhere central to all of us and not too far away. We all agreed we just want to be together in a nice hotel in a nice city. Why would we want to spend hours and hours travelling when it really isn't necessary. Your old Friends sounds immature and not nice people at all.

enjoy the new year without them and I think you will realise you wont even miss them/notice them not being in your life anymore.

Enjoy your husband, baby and other actual friends and go book a weekend away for you and your family!

I go on weekends away with friends but if anyone cant go, we just say no and there’s no questions asked. Absolutely no pressure on anyone to come and your friends would have to be living under a rock to not think that some people in the group might be more careful with money than others at the moment.

Be honest, say you would love to join them for a birthday meal and leave it at that. If they push you to spend money you dont have or want to spend on your little family, they are not true friends.

Really glad this thread has been so helpful for you OP! You’re definitely well shot of them

The fact that you don’t drink a lot and drive suits them all. Sounds like you are a nice person who is being taken advantage of!
just say I can’t come this time as my finances are tight. I bet they won’t go in the end anyway. Spend your time and money with your family instead! Don’t feel
bad. You are way better than these “friends”

On the original post there’s a ‘see all’ … click on that and you’ll see just the OP’s posts and replies

They insist they want me there

yes to be their taxi and split costs with. If they really wanted you there they would have compromised on the weekend.

Do not contribute anything- wish them a good time & catch up when they get back. Your life has changed with dc & you have different priorities. You owe them no explanation…

Juost say I'm really sorry but my circumstances have changed. I can't get childcare and i now have other financial commitments. Don't offer them cash.,

Obviously FWIW I think you just need to do what is right for you and they will understand if they’re worthy friends.

But I can’t say I have seen anything that suggests they are using you. Don’t let random angry pixies on the internet wind you up too much, OP!

This is ridiculous! A good line I heard when an ex friend wanted a massive girls holiday was one friend say "I'm all about family holidays now". And left it at that.

I've felt pressure with hen parties in the past and you are made to feel unreasonable. But I just couldn't afford them.

You cannot afford it. You have offered solutions. Do not contribute either.

Not only would I tell them that you aren't able to make the trip (no explanation needed) but I wouldn't offer to chip in for the birthday girl. Buy her some wine or take her to lunch at another time. If they don't want to go without you for whatever reason that is on them.

I would say sorry I just can't justify the cost, buy the birthday girl a present , suggest a meal or night out when they get back and let them get on with it.

I don't have kids yet, but I've never asked my friends that do to spend time away from their babies and would alter plans so that everyone who want to was included.

It’s weird how some people give and others take…. I was organising my hen do and wanted to go on a 2 night booze cruise…. 2 of my guests said they didn’t want to leave their children overnight (both had young children)… so rather than exclude them I booked tickets for a local charity ball, 3 course meal and good dance… several years later when she married & I had a child under 2 she announced her wedding…. She announced her hennight would be a 3 nighter adults weekend - big and boozy… by this time I was totally T-total … I was anxious about leaving my DC for that long and couldn’t predict whether my husband would even be in the country… then the messages started…. Night one would be this theme, night 2 another and night 3 another…. The costumes alone for each night would cost a fortune..I was dreading it!!! So I messaged a similar message to she had sent me about my hen do… saying I wasn’t keen to leave my daughter for that long.. I got quite a nasty reply which made me cry!! We all learn .. I bend over backwards for others… I’ve had a really tough 2 years and barely anyone has been there for me x

Well I would buy her a present normally so I would give them the equivalent of what I would spend on a present to put towards the weekend instead if that makes sense? That way if they go out for a meal or do a activity, I would basically pay for the birthday girl to do it.

No don't do this. You won't have a clue what it's spent on. Could you pay for spa day - or do gift of your own.

Also want to agree with previous posters and say you sound lovely OP.

And I'm proud of you for not being a doormat or their taxi..👏

Well done for standing up to them. Just wanted to say that if they suggest you now come on the cheaper closer night out, you could say that you can only come if someone else drives because your OH needs the car that weekend. That would really put the cat amongst the pigeons and see whether they want you there or your taxi

My guess is most of this group don't have kids yet and maybe not even husbands. When a couple more of them make that transition, I'd bet these expensive girl's weekends stop. You may just be a little ahead of them in that regard.

I agree with those who say just tell them sorry, can't make it this time. If they want reasons, vaguely say oh the usual, money, time, child care, etc. That keeps them from trying to find points to argue with to "solve" your "problem."

I also would not give more than you would otherwise as a gift or maybe nothing at all. It will all be okay. Please let us know what you decide and good luck.

I think you’re right - they want you there for transport and to keep the costs down. You’ll need to decide how you feel about this.

Did they get you a gift on your birthday op?

Hi OP,
I just wanted to suggest if you do end up driving this group - or any other group on a long journey forewarn them that you will need to split petrol. You could fill up before the journey and leave with a full tank, then when you get to your destination fill up again. That is the price for one leg of the journey so you can double it and then split it between you.

You say that your friends wouldn’t pay £50 petrol each. If that’s what it cost and you include yourself they are getting a bargain as it’s you with all the wear and tear on your car.