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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 20:53

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 04/01/2023 20:56

Just tell him and he'll have to deal with it, or just tell them to do it if they want.
He's being a bit unreasonable I think!

Sunnydays0101 · 04/01/2023 21:00

I don’t actually think your DH is being particularly unreasonable. Is there a room downstairs they can hang out in, which doesn’t always have others in it ?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:01

We have a through lounge area separate kitchen area

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 04/01/2023 21:04

Your DD is an adult and your DH is being ridiculous.

MadeofElephantStone · 04/01/2023 21:04

Your DD is a grown woman, she really ought to be able to spend time alone with her boyfriend in her home if she wants to. Your husband is being ridiculous.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:06

I totally agree my husband is being ridiculous
but at the same time I don’t want him being uncomfortable so was just really after advice on how to tell him so he’s not uncomfortable if that makes sense

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/01/2023 21:07

They're adults. Tell him he cant tell them what to do. If he does,hes controlling. Doesn't matter if he's uncomfortable. They're not 15 year olds

Notimeforaname · 04/01/2023 21:08

I don’t want him being uncomfortable so was just really after advice on how to tell him so he’s not uncomfortable if that makes sense
You cannot control that.

I'd just tell your daughter to go ahead and go where she pleases in her home. If hes so uncomfortable he can go in and try to resolve it. Hes the one with the problem. Leave him to it

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:10

Sunnydays0101 · 04/01/2023 21:00

I don’t actually think your DH is being particularly unreasonable. Is there a room downstairs they can hang out in, which doesn’t always have others in it ?

I’m sure they’d both rather she had sex in her own room than the dining room…

Swimswam · 04/01/2023 21:11

You don’t. If she is an adult then it’s for her or her BF to ask
If they want actual alone time then they need to move in together

DashboardConfessional · 04/01/2023 21:12

Swimswam · 04/01/2023 21:11

You don’t. If she is an adult then it’s for her or her BF to ask
If they want actual alone time then they need to move in together

If she's an adult (she is at 19!) then she doesn't need to ask at all.

N4ish · 04/01/2023 21:13

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, it’s his house after all! I’d also feel uncomfortable sitting watching tv knowing my daughter was (probably) having sex upstairs.

Ibouncetothebeat · 04/01/2023 21:13

Unpopular opinion alert!
Depends what the alone time is for. He shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in his
own house. If DD doesn’t like it, they are free to go to BFs house.

To all the vipers who love to jump on when someone disagrees - just don’t, I’m entitled to my own opinion.

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 21:13

She'd only be unreasonable if by 'alone time'they wanted everyone else to leave the house!

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:13

What kind of nonsense. I don't even... Just no.

Why would DH be comfortable with that to the extent he should facilitate? Even i would never. YABU

And please, to mothers who happily allow their children to have sex under their roof ready to scold me for this view - don't quote me, I really don't care.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:14

When I say alone time I don’t mean alone time as in a moving in together type thing I mean she wants to be able to go upstairs with her bf as well as be downstairs however we all want my husband to he comfortable with that as well

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/01/2023 21:15

If you need to tell him something you say "DD and BF are adults in a relationship. You don't have a right to tell them what rooms they can and cannot sit in together, stop trying to control their lives to alleviate your discomfort. That is your problem. It is not their responsibility"

I will say when parents have an issue with kids and partners sleeping in bedroom together/having sex in family home, I think its fine to tell them no.
You'd hope they respect their parents enough to not anyway.

But for simply hanging out, no, its treating them like children.

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:15

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:13

What kind of nonsense. I don't even... Just no.

Why would DH be comfortable with that to the extent he should facilitate? Even i would never. YABU

And please, to mothers who happily allow their children to have sex under their roof ready to scold me for this view - don't quote me, I really don't care.

Mothers who let their children have sex are nothing to do with this though, the woman is 19, she’s not a child.

antipodeancanary · 04/01/2023 21:15

Well of course he can tell her what to do in his own home where she presumably lives comfortably at his expense. I mean it would be good if he could make his peace with the them having a sexual relationship in his house, but if he can't, she has the option to move, not to inflict it on him. And of course parents are controlling of adult children who live in their house, because they are in charge of what goes on. The relationship is not equal.

DashboardConfessional · 04/01/2023 21:19

I think it's a bit insulting to assume they are going to instantly drop trousers. At the moment with a through lounge they can't even have a private conversation. Do you all have to sit around the telly like the Royle Family?

Paq · 04/01/2023 21:19

Tbh at 19 I wouldn't have disappeared upstairs with my boyf while my parents were downstairs.

It's tricky when adult children live with their parents for longer and longer but it's not the same as an adult woman sharing a house with flatmates, it's a different dynamic.

Sunnydays0101 · 04/01/2023 21:20

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:10

I’m sure they’d both rather she had sex in her own room than the dining room…

Show quote history

During the day …. I’d be fine with him staying in the room overnight and doing whatever they wanted in the room but I wouldn’t like to be in my home during the day while other adults were having sex in the house.

In the same way I’d say most children (whatever age they may be) would be uncomfortable being in the house during the day knowing their parents were in their bedroom having sex.

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 21:21

I'm really not sure why it's your job to get involved in this. Also might it help to be a bit more blunt? I wasn't 100% sure what you meant, I assume you mean they want to have sex but maybe you don't!

I don't expect to police the sexual relationships of adults under my roof and I'd give short shrift to someone who wanted to police a relationship by getting me to do it for them! In addition if your dd is old enough to have sex she's old enough to speak up to her dad herself. You don't have to protect her from that conversation.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 04/01/2023 21:21

It's his house too, why are his feelings not valid? If she wants more alone time with her boyfriend she has the option to go to his or move out. This isn't a DH problem.

titchy · 04/01/2023 21:24

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:06

I totally agree my husband is being ridiculous
but at the same time I don’t want him being uncomfortable so was just really after advice on how to tell him so he’s not uncomfortable if that makes sense

You can't him comfortable at the thought of his dd having sex - there is nothing you can say that will elicit that from him. Just tell him that regardless of whether he feels comfortable they will be spending time in her room. With the door shut. She's an adult FGS!