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Original poster

How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 20:53

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:40

I think some people - especially those saying “tell her to go to BFs house - fail to see the bigger picture.

Theres gathering evidence to show that more and more young women are in emotionally abusive relationships. If this was your DD and you were purposefully pushing her to isolate her from her family and be in her abuser’s space, that will only serve to exacerbate things like this. All because you don’t like the thought of them having sex. Relationships at a young age can be very intense and I’d rather my child was in her safe space and home.

MrsRinaDecker · 04/01/2023 22:41

Don’t most teenagers who live at home spend the majority of time in their bedrooms?? If ds and his gf were here I imagine they would hang out in his room, watch what they want on Netflix, play the switch, chill, chat, whatever.. Why would they be sitting in the living room the whole time? As a teen, if I ever had friends over I ‘hosted’ them in my room.. He’s there to see her, not the whole family after all.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 04/01/2023 22:41

Pahahaha op was so delicate some people didn't get it😂😂😂😂

hannsmum · 04/01/2023 22:41

@XanaduKira exactly. I don't know why we turn out to be 'pretenders" because we differ and are not comfortable with it.

DianeAdores · 04/01/2023 22:42

@MrsRinaDecker I'd think a "teen" was at the younger end of the teenage spectrum. A 19 yr old isn't a "teen" to me.

EmmiJay · 04/01/2023 22:42

Whew. Some ppl are brazen. I wouldn't be having sex in the house with my dad or anyone in there, to begin with. Just no. I would either go to my boyfriend's empty house or vice versa.

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 22:44

God this is an odd thread.

Something very straightforwardly patriarchal about the father of the house's emotional comfort being way more important than that of any other adult who lives there.

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 22:44

Brazen??

hannsmum · 04/01/2023 22:45

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet oh come on.
Once he starts coming over regularly , you are telling me they are not going to have sex at some point ???

Delectable · 04/01/2023 22:46

A 19yr old should not be having sex and certainly not under her parent's roof. It rarely ever ends well even if you find a handful of cases where it appears to have. If she wishes to do as she pleases in spite of her parents, then she should get a full time job to pay for her own privacy at her own place, follow her own rules but be ready to bare the consequences that often arise from sex; after all she's 19 and the government says she's an adult; surely she's mature enough to handle it.

That the mother in this situation is not aligned with her husband on this is absolutely shocking and sadly it's likely those who's contributions will be considered will be those who insist that freedom, fairness and equity means the parents of a 19yr old should create an enabling environment for teenagers to be unable to restrain themselves and exercise discipline at one of the most significant times of their lives when they should be building blocks for their future.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:49

EmmiJay · 04/01/2023 22:42

Whew. Some ppl are brazen. I wouldn't be having sex in the house with my dad or anyone in there, to begin with. Just no. I would either go to my boyfriend's empty house or vice versa.

Presumably you’d watch a film in your room though with him?

MrsRinaDecker · 04/01/2023 22:49

DianeAdores · 04/01/2023 22:42

@MrsRinaDecker I'd think a "teen" was at the younger end of the teenage spectrum. A 19 yr old isn't a "teen" to me.

True enough.. I guess I’d expect a 19 year old to spend even more time in their room (working from home / studying / hanging out with friends in person or online).. maybe it’s because I live in a smallish flat so the option is bedroom or living room? If ds and his gf visit (they have there own place) then obviously they’re there to see me so they’re in the living room, but in OP’s scenario I’d imagine they’d come in to say hi then go through to his room? Cos she’d be there to see him not me..

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:49

hannsmum · 04/01/2023 22:45

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet oh come on.
Once he starts coming over regularly , you are telling me they are not going to have sex at some point ???

Yes of course - but I think most people wouldn’t do it with their parents in ear shot.

MrsRinaDecker · 04/01/2023 22:50

*their own place (wishes mumsnet had an edit button!)

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 22:50

😁brilliant delectable!

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:50

A 19yr old should not be having sex and certainly not under her parent's roof

Dear God Mary Whitehouse has risen from the dead!!

Why should a 19yo be having sex?

WhispersOfWickedness · 04/01/2023 22:50

Delectable · 04/01/2023 22:46

A 19yr old should not be having sex and certainly not under her parent's roof. It rarely ever ends well even if you find a handful of cases where it appears to have. If she wishes to do as she pleases in spite of her parents, then she should get a full time job to pay for her own privacy at her own place, follow her own rules but be ready to bare the consequences that often arise from sex; after all she's 19 and the government says she's an adult; surely she's mature enough to handle it.

That the mother in this situation is not aligned with her husband on this is absolutely shocking and sadly it's likely those who's contributions will be considered will be those who insist that freedom, fairness and equity means the parents of a 19yr old should create an enabling environment for teenagers to be unable to restrain themselves and exercise discipline at one of the most significant times of their lives when they should be building blocks for their future.

WTF? I was onto my third sexual relationship at 19 and nothing untoward happened 😆 In fact, I married that one and we're still together over 20 years later 🤷‍♀️

NearlyMidnight · 04/01/2023 22:50

Even when we were flat sharing we didn't tend to go off to the bedroom for sex while the other person was sitting in the living room watching telly. I wouldn't sit quietly reading my book while Flat mate was shagging next door or brother was banging his girlfriend upstairs. Then do they come down all pink and flustered and join you for coffee in the living room?? Ugh!

I wouldn't disappear upstairs with DP for an hour while teen DS was downstairs with his mates or DD was cooking the dinner. It's just crass.

It's got nothing to do with being controlling or the age of the parties concerned. (And I am far from prudish!)

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 04/01/2023 22:51

@Delectable
The 1950's are that way dear 👈👈👈👈👈

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:51

Delectable · 04/01/2023 22:46

A 19yr old should not be having sex and certainly not under her parent's roof. It rarely ever ends well even if you find a handful of cases where it appears to have. If she wishes to do as she pleases in spite of her parents, then she should get a full time job to pay for her own privacy at her own place, follow her own rules but be ready to bare the consequences that often arise from sex; after all she's 19 and the government says she's an adult; surely she's mature enough to handle it.

That the mother in this situation is not aligned with her husband on this is absolutely shocking and sadly it's likely those who's contributions will be considered will be those who insist that freedom, fairness and equity means the parents of a 19yr old should create an enabling environment for teenagers to be unable to restrain themselves and exercise discipline at one of the most significant times of their lives when they should be building blocks for their future.

You honestly sound like a Catholic nun. Unclench.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:52

Why SHOULDN’T my last post to @Delectable should have said

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:53

WhispersOfWickedness · 04/01/2023 22:50

WTF? I was onto my third sexual relationship at 19 and nothing untoward happened 😆 In fact, I married that one and we're still together over 20 years later 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

WHAT! You mean you didn’t restrain yourself and exert discipline?

For shame! For shame!

Anyone got a red A we can pin onto @WhispersOfWickedness - aka the hussy, the strumpet, the tart of the village!

FairyLightAddict · 04/01/2023 22:54

Weird. She's 19 not 9. Your husband needs to chill out.

AnyOldThings · 04/01/2023 22:57

I’m so baffled by this thread!
DD16 and BF16 spend time in her room alone. I’ve talked to DD and told her to keep the door open a little. Currently the rule is that me or DH must be in the house too. These rules will adapt as DD gets older of course.

They are not doing ‘anything’ yet thankfully and I’ve spoken to her about that and how it wouldn’t be respectful to do anything like that while we were downstairs. But of course they want to be able to have a snog and private chats without us being around.

If she can’t spend time alone with him here I’m sure they’d find a way to be alone elsewhere not as safe as here and while we are nearby.

At 19 your DD is much older so the rules should be even more relaxed. Of course I’d also stipulate that I’d not expect their behaviour in that room to make anyone else in the house feel uncomfortable. Just like DH and I wouldn’t make her feel that way either.

DianeAdores · 04/01/2023 22:57

MrsRinaDecker · 04/01/2023 22:49

True enough.. I guess I’d expect a 19 year old to spend even more time in their room (working from home / studying / hanging out with friends in person or online).. maybe it’s because I live in a smallish flat so the option is bedroom or living room? If ds and his gf visit (they have there own place) then obviously they’re there to see me so they’re in the living room, but in OP’s scenario I’d imagine they’d come in to say hi then go through to his room? Cos she’d be there to see him not me..

Show quote history

In that case, I think it's just different expectations. My DC (who are all at university) are here in the holidays and spend a lot of time in their rooms as the house is very small, but if they weren't at university, I'd be trying to help them to move into their own places.