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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 20:53

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 04/01/2023 21:55

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 21:21

I'm really not sure why it's your job to get involved in this. Also might it help to be a bit more blunt? I wasn't 100% sure what you meant, I assume you mean they want to have sex but maybe you don't!

I don't expect to police the sexual relationships of adults under my roof and I'd give short shrift to someone who wanted to police a relationship by getting me to do it for them! In addition if your dd is old enough to have sex she's old enough to speak up to her dad herself. You don't have to protect her from that conversation.

Agree. She should be able to have that conversation with her father. Although, you, his wife, is struggling too so…

SaintKilda · 04/01/2023 21:55

Well why doesn't she ask...she is an adult

Actually he shouldn't feel uncomfortable in his own house. She could get her own place.

Zanatdy · 04/01/2023 21:56

Some parents just aren’t comfortable with it. My 18yr old DS has just got his first GF and they met at Uni, so are clearly spending many nights together. She’s come to stay for a few days and I’ve put her in the spare room, but have let DS know he can stay in there with her but to ensure his door stays closed so his sister isn’t uncomfortable (she will assume he’s in his room I guess). I’m not sure how DS’s dad will feel about it, I think he would be ok, but if it was DD and she was 18 I doubt he would. But it’s my house and I’m ok with my 18yr old having sex in his own home. We are adults and I’ve told him as long as I don’t hear a thing! Haha. His GF has said though he will need to stay in the spare room, and not with her - I’ve told him that’s fine as it’s their home and it’s what they are comfortable with. Speak to your DH but he doesn’t have to agree just because they are adults. If he’s very uncomfortable with it then they will have to just do it at his home

SaySomethingMan · 04/01/2023 21:58

Hadtochangeforthisone · 04/01/2023 21:47

Bloody hell - he would have heart failure in my house.
We took the view that once in an established relationship and over 16 who they slept with/spent alone time with was their business and no one else's.

Good thing he’s his own house and doesn’t have to yours aye?

fanjosaysi · 04/01/2023 22:04

*It's not the 50s, it's not 'his house his rules'
*
Him feeling uncomfortable is not 1950s/wrong/old fashioned. It's a difference of opinion. She's an adult. He's an adult. He's not saying don't have a boyfriend or be alone, he's saying he doesn't want it when he's around

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 22:04

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:55

It’s not the 50s, it’s not ‘his house his rules’, he has a partner here who’s asking for advice, they both get a say. And they might not want to force their DD to move out at 19, they might just need a little advice to navigate this. Doesn’t have to
be ‘my rules or get out’ does it.

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I have 3 daughters and they respect me, their home and themselves. All 3 of them are educating themselves so they don’t need no man for support.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/01/2023 22:05

Whatever happened to "listening to music"?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:07

Sittingonabench · 04/01/2023 21:47

She is an adult but that doesn’t mean she can do whatever she likes irrespective of boundaries put in place by those who own the house. She needs to be respectful of his boundaries (although having a discussion around these is still respectful) and if he is not open to moving the boundaries then she is free to move to her own place and set her own rules.

How is an adult having their boyfriend in the privacy of their room disrespectful to anyone?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:08

God dome’s people’s fear that adults may conduct themselves as adults is wired and creepy, some of you need therapy. Moving out as a means to have sex? Get a grip 😂😂

WeepingSomnambulist · 04/01/2023 22:09

I think I might be stupid. I really don't understand.
Surely the default is that they come over and hang out in her room? I dont ever remember having to as my dad if my boyfriend and I could go to my room. That was status quo. Youd only hang out downstairs with the family for dinner or I'd everyone wanted to watch a movie together or something.

Are you saying she needs to ask permission to go up to her room with a guest? When they come over, are they only allowed to sit with the family?

This is such an odd rule. Maybe just show him these responses.

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 22:10

Sunnydays0101 · 04/01/2023 21:20

During the day …. I’d be fine with him staying in the room overnight and doing whatever they wanted in the room but I wouldn’t like to be in my home during the day while other adults were having sex in the house.

In the same way I’d say most children (whatever age they may be) would be uncomfortable being in the house during the day knowing their parents were in their bedroom having sex.

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Well unless you walked in or they were being loud you wouldn't know. Former - stop walking in, latter - that's inappropriate and they deserve a word

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 22:11

DH has agreed with DD19 that her bf can be round and they can spend time upstairs as long as she respects some house rules of door stays open & no staying overnight at our house
DD has agreed with that

OP posts:
SD1978 · 04/01/2023 22:12

I don't agree completely with she's an adult and can do whatever she wants in her parents house.......in any house sharing situation among adults there are usually 'rules' set out. This is a house bought and paid for by the parents- that is still paid for by them, and she lives in it because they pay for it- I'm sorry- that gives DH more 'right' to the rules. There is a seperate lounge they can hang out in- if he's uncomfortable with them upstairs there are areas downstairs. It's great everyone who feels they are an adult and can do whatever they want and shouldn't be stopped from doing so, but not every adult feels that way, and I don't see why that's wrong either.

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 22:12

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:08

God dome’s people’s fear that adults may conduct themselves as adults is wired and creepy, some of you need therapy. Moving out as a means to have sex? Get a grip 😂😂

Make sure they condom don’t bust while they are living with you because then you’re the one who will pay for it.

DianeAdores · 04/01/2023 22:13

Why is your 19 yo DD at home?

IWineAndDontDine · 04/01/2023 22:13

Why is everyone telling her she should get her own place? At 19? In this current climate? She should get her own place because she wants alone time with her boyfriend? Have some respect for your adult daughters and stop treating them like children

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 22:13

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 22:04

I have 3 daughters and they respect me, their home and themselves. All 3 of them are educating themselves so they don’t need no man for support.

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That’s great, I don’t really understand what you are getting at with reference to this thread with that post though.

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 22:14

DianeAdores · 04/01/2023 22:13

Why is your 19 yo DD at home?

Why wouldn’t she be? It’s incredibly common to still live at home at 19.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:14

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 22:04

I have 3 daughters and they respect me, their home and themselves. All 3 of them are educating themselves so they don’t need no man for support.

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I hope they’re not educating themselves using double negatives.

Does wanting to spend time with your boyfriend alone as an adult mean that you need a man???

vintagemom · 04/01/2023 22:14

I’m baffled that so many people think it would be easy for a 19 year old to just get a flat in the current climate!.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 22:15

She has to keep her door open like a 13 year old child? FFS. Your husband sounds like a tyrant and you sound like you're afraid of him.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2023 22:17

They're adults so they can rent a room somewhere.

Your DH isn't being unreasonable. Your home isn't a motel.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:18

MN is so bloody weird.

Most threads: A 18yo boy is a man and and must move out immediately or he’s a scrounged.
Also: A 19yo woman is basically still a child and should do what daddy says because he can’t deal with his little Princess growing up

As for ‘she lives in that house because her parents pay’. Surely she lives there because that’s her home and she is her parent’s child? Doesn’t mean she should be treated like a child for the duration of her time there.

I also think some MNers are deluded that their DD’s are man hating astute upstanding women who’d never dream of going on a date let alone having a boy in the house. When actually most teenagers are like how they’ve always been, how we probably all were - horny and a bit selfish.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 22:19

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 22:12

Make sure they condom don’t bust while they are living with you because then you’re the one who will pay for it.

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Dear god.

Condoms rarely burst.

But if they did I’d support my kids in whatever they wanted. I wouldn’t be saying hail Mary’s and kicking them out like most MNers think teenage mums should be treated.

ortonym · 04/01/2023 22:19

DashboardConfessional · 04/01/2023 21:12

If she's an adult (she is at 19!) then she doesn't need to ask at all.

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She does in someone else's house!