Page 6 | How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

Safarigiraffe · 2023-01-04T20:53:02+00:00

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

trulyunruly01 · 04/01/2023 22:57

There's some scary people on Mumsnet tonight, I'm going to bed. Be careful you lot, there's some kind of time-sliding, back-to-the-old-days vibe going on. I reckon you should all be in bed by now, warming it up ready for when He Who Shall Be Obeyed wants to get in (but keep your bloomers on, none of that funny stuff!).

SomethingOriginal2 · 04/01/2023 22:58

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 21:21

I'm really not sure why it's your job to get involved in this. Also might it help to be a bit more blunt? I wasn't 100% sure what you meant, I assume you mean they want to have sex but maybe you don't!

I don't expect to police the sexual relationships of adults under my roof and I'd give short shrift to someone who wanted to police a relationship by getting me to do it for them! In addition if your dd is old enough to have sex she's old enough to speak up to her dad herself. You don't have to protect her from that conversation.

Yeah this.

But I also think being an adult is knowing that if there's another person in the house you're discrete and respectful about not making them aware you're shagging.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 04/01/2023 22:59

@trulyunruly01
Lol 😆
You made me spit out by bedtime brew! Love it.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 23:00

trulyunruly01 · 04/01/2023 22:57

There's some scary people on Mumsnet tonight, I'm going to bed. Be careful you lot, there's some kind of time-sliding, back-to-the-old-days vibe going on. I reckon you should all be in bed by now, warming it up ready for when He Who Shall Be Obeyed wants to get in (but keep your bloomers on, none of that funny stuff!).

I envisage that these MNers self flaggelate before bedtime for thinking impure thoughts before putting on MORE clothes for bed than they’ve worn during the day lest they show any flesh to their husband.

SoShallINever · 04/01/2023 23:02

I find it a bit creepy when men feel they have to "protect" their daughters. She's 19 not 9.

Teenagehorrorbag · 04/01/2023 23:02

I think you and DH need to agree between you what you are happy with under your roof, and then communicate that to DD and her BF.

If you are OK with him staying over in her room (which will involve sex) then fine. But you may wish to tell them that you don't want to hear anything ! If you aren't OK with that, then equally - tell them. If they are fine to spend time there during the day but you don't want them having sex, then say so.

I sort of agree with the PP who said go to the pub sometimes - maybe you could give them some hours to themselves? But you don't have to feel uncomfortable - it's your home and they have to respect your rules. It may depend on the size and sound-proofness of your house, and whether you have other DCs around - but you and DH need to be on the same page. (If he won't let them in her room, alone, during the day, after explaining your rules - then he's a bit of a dinosaur). And if they can't have sex anywhere then they will end up in the car!

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 04/01/2023 23:05

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:14

When I say alone time I don’t mean alone time as in a moving in together type thing I mean she wants to be able to go upstairs with her bf as well as be downstairs however we all want my husband to he comfortable with that as well

He is being really weird. She is an adult.

Wetblanket78 · 04/01/2023 23:06

If she's in a relationship not bringing one night stands home for a legover. Your husband is being rediculous.

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 04/01/2023 23:08

Delectable · 04/01/2023 22:46

A 19yr old should not be having sex and certainly not under her parent's roof. It rarely ever ends well even if you find a handful of cases where it appears to have. If she wishes to do as she pleases in spite of her parents, then she should get a full time job to pay for her own privacy at her own place, follow her own rules but be ready to bare the consequences that often arise from sex; after all she's 19 and the government says she's an adult; surely she's mature enough to handle it.

That the mother in this situation is not aligned with her husband on this is absolutely shocking and sadly it's likely those who's contributions will be considered will be those who insist that freedom, fairness and equity means the parents of a 19yr old should create an enabling environment for teenagers to be unable to restrain themselves and exercise discipline at one of the most significant times of their lives when they should be building blocks for their future.

What? What is this nonsense? Bizarre.

FlirtyMelons · 04/01/2023 23:09

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 22:11

DH has agreed with DD19 that her bf can be round and they can spend time upstairs as long as she respects some house rules of door stays open & no staying overnight at our house
DD has agreed with that

Wow that seems crazy strict for a 19 yo, door open? What if they want to just chat and listen to music. An adult living in your house can't have privacy, how awful. I'm impressed your DD agreed, although I suspect they'll spend more time at BFs house now.

Runningfire · 04/01/2023 23:11

Your husband sounds gross. Why is he trying to control his grown adult daughter’s sex life. ‘Over protective’ ‘leave the door open’. This isn’t fatherly love is controlling and misogynistic

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/01/2023 23:12

I think, without doubt, your husband has the right to feel comfortable in his own home. When DD and BF get a place of their own they’re free to please themselves.

HotChoxs · 04/01/2023 23:12

Will they have to put up with listening to your bedroom antics when they stay over?

If not there's your answer

Runningfire · 04/01/2023 23:16

@hannsmum can you explain why an adult child having sex with her adult partner is disrespectful to you. Clearly explain that? Because I can’t comprehend it.

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 23:16

Runningfire · 04/01/2023 23:11

Your husband sounds gross. Why is he trying to control his grown adult daughter’s sex life. ‘Over protective’ ‘leave the door open’. This isn’t fatherly love is controlling and misogynistic

He’s not controlling her sex life he doesn’t want anything going on in the home.

Blossomtoes · 04/01/2023 23:19

Wetblanket78 · 04/01/2023 23:06

If she's in a relationship not bringing one night stands home for a legover. Your husband is being rediculous.

It’s his house, he can be as “rediculous” as he likes. What became of “my house, my rules”?

fanjosaysi · 04/01/2023 23:22

PermanentTemporary · 04/01/2023 22:44

God this is an odd thread.

Something very straightforwardly patriarchal about the father of the house's emotional comfort being way more important than that of any other adult who lives there.

Nobody needs to have sex at the expense of someone else comfort in their own home. Wait til he's gone out.

saleorbouy · 04/01/2023 23:23

I understand a father's concern but she is an adult, surely it's better that their alone time is in the comfort and safety of your/her home than elsewhere where she might be more vulnerable.

hannsmum · 04/01/2023 23:23

Runningfire · 04/01/2023 23:16

@hannsmum can you explain why an adult child having sex with her adult partner is disrespectful to you. Clearly explain that? Because I can’t comprehend it.

I didn't say just having sex with an adult partner but my daughter having it while I'm there in the house?

Na.. it doesn't sit well with me and I feel there should be some kind of discipline around that with parents in the house.

It's not a necessity so why can't they just control themselves?

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 23:24

@Delectable were you born as a middle aged abstentionist? Clearly you've never been 19 😂

Runningfire · 04/01/2023 23:26

Na.. it doesn't sit well with me and I feel there should be some kind of discipline around that with parents in the house.
It's not a necessity so why can't they just control themselves?

so odd that you seem to see sex as something that needs to be controlled and disciplined rather than a fun natural human activity.

BrownEyedGhoul · 04/01/2023 23:27

FindingMeno · 04/01/2023 20:56

Just tell him and he'll have to deal with it, or just tell them to do it if they want.
He's being a bit unreasonable I think!

Or you coud realise that its actually his house as much as OP;s and much more than it is the DD and boyfriend. And that his thoughts on the matter are actually quitw important

GetThatHelmetOn · 04/01/2023 23:30

The way I sorted it with my dad was to tell him that we didn’t have the money to meet at restaurants all the time and that I was mortified at having the police checking on us at our steamed up car when parked at a park having a conversation or else.

And from then on, boyfriends were welcome at home.

2bazookas · 04/01/2023 23:32

Telling her Dad her bedroom is now a shag pad is DD's job not yours. She's a an adult woman, right?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/01/2023 23:33

N4ish · 04/01/2023 21:13

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, it’s his house after all! I’d also feel uncomfortable sitting watching tv knowing my daughter was (probably) having sex upstairs.

Where would you prefer that your 19yr old was havibg sex?

Apart from in her home