How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

[Safarigiraffe]

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

But how does that affect the fact that they're all having to use the space to eat, sleep and shag in? Does the fact that they'd be married make it possible to ignore that it's happening, or less of a sin?

Thinking a man’s creepy hold over his adult DD’s sex life is ‘wholesome’ is misogyny.

Whether it's misogynistic or not, it's fostering good values.

Do you think unwanted pregnancy is more likely to happy in a healthy household where your needs as an 19 year old adult are considered or where you're thrown out to have sex in an alleyway?

Ugh, can’t stand men who try to police their daughters sexuality/vagina. Creepy as fuck and so misogynistic.

If you think good values = a man policing women’s sexuality.

I had a boyfriend when I was 19 and he was 22 and I was not allowed to stay over at theirs in his room, as it was against their values. They had a spare room so sometimes I'd sleep in there.

Fair enough.

OP's situation would be fine if she was on the same page as her husband.

Yeah, encouraging sex in alleways, a real standard to set there.

If you think good values = a man policing women’s sexuality.

@Naunet He's her father so he gets to decide what he encourages/discourages in his house (though of course ideally OP and her husband would be on the same page about it.) Everyone's allowed boundaries about what they're going to allow in their home.

Yeah, encouraging sex in alleways

Well obviously that's not what he's encouraging, quite the opposite. And they have a choice as to whether they do that or not.

Well of course it's being encouraged, by virtue of the fact that young adults brains are wired to make risk taking behaviour higher and hormones wired to seek frequent sexual relations. Can't shut down biology by telling young adults to go elsewhere for a bunk up.

His house? It’s not OPs house then, just the big man’s?

What are your expectations, what do you want for them in the long term?

I brought my children up to be innocent I have boys and girls now my oldest is 18 and studying for her master's. My advice to her was don't get involved with anyone physically or emotionally she is a sensitive young woman. Luckily we are close and she tells me all the embarrassing things that have been said or done.

I did tell her as a joke and she looked at me strangely she can be the local bike after her studies. Whatever happens after that she has the money to pay her way she doesn't have to beg anyone.

100% agree. I’m from a family of 6 kids. There’s no way any of us would have had sex in our parents house. My kids won’t be either, not while I’m in the house anyway.

I don’t know why people keep saying dad is creepy and policing his daughter’s vagine (🙄), parents who don’t want their kids having sex under their roof tend to apply that rule to their offspring regardless of their genitalia.

Telling your daughter she can be the ‘local bike’ is a vile and misogynistic thing to say, even as a joke.

Would you say the same to your son?

Quite a weird stance to take not letting your adult children have sex discreetly when they’ve been doing it solo without you noticing for a few years I’d imagine. I’d just say look I don’t want to know what you’re up to and if you can keep it that way, we’re all happy.

'She looked at me strangely'

Jesus H Candlesticks.

I hope it all works out happily and she's not on here in ten years saying she's terrified of sex and freezes when anyone asks her out.

@Rollingaroundinmud

I brought my children up to be innocent I have boys and girls now my oldest is 18 and studying for her master's. My advice to her was don't get involved with anyone physically or emotionally she is a sensitive young woman.

What an utter disservice to her.

By bringing them up to be 'innocent' which I presume means not educating them about sex and relationships at all at home (other than telling them not to have them) you leave them underprepared for adult life and therefore more vulnerable to being in unhealthy relationships.

She could meet a lovely and equally sensitive guy her age and have a loving, caring relationship. It may not last forever but it's perfectly possible for sensitive 18 year olds to have relationships.

Shocked you think this is an appropriate way to raise a young woman, leaving her so vulnerable.

Yes, I would. I have also taught my children to never play the victim and to be strong women or men. I will also teach my children how to cook, clean and pay their way so they don't have to rely on a woman or man. It would horrify me if my children ever sounded like you and played on their sex.

You haven’t taught them to be strong, you’ve taught them to submit to you and your overly strict rules. You said your eldest is a very sensitive soul and you’ve told her not to form emotional relationships aswell as physical ones. It’s very unhealthy. You seem to think you are a perfect parent here but it’s clear to everyone else you are making mistakes just like the rest of us.

She has healthy relationships with males and females and they share the same interests. She doesn't want to rush into any relationship and I wouldn't encourage her to. She is having fun in her own way that is comfortable for her. What am I leaving her vulnerable to exactly?

I am far from perfect I will copy and paste what I said to another poster. She has healthy relationships with males and females and they share the same interests. She doesn't want to rush into any relationship and I wouldn't encourage her to. She is having fun in her own way that is comfortable for her. She wants to travel after studying.

My daughter has a lot of friends and when she is ready and she has gotten to know them. What's the rush??

It’s not that there is a rush, it’s that you are TELLING her not to have relationships, wether physical or not, she’s 18 and you are saying she can’t have a relationship. That’s your control. But then saying she can be ridden by anyone once she’s finished her masters, great parenting! It’s not like she even found your joke funny or understood it.

She doesn't live here I have no control over her. Don't get upset because I brought my children up and protected them.

DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house
So do they want just to be in her bedroom during the day with the door closed or do they want to be in the bedroom with door closed because they want to have sex?
My parents were very old fashioned, the very idea of BF staying the night was alien to them but when someone came to me we mostly spend time in my room with the door closed. I could have visitors in the living room when parents were out or just mum somewhere but it would never occurred to me to sit and chat where my parents could hear me, I would rather be in my room, it’s just private and more convenient. However nothing sexual was going on with my parents being at home. I just was in my room with my door closed as usual to have some privacy. If it is the same for your DD - your DH is very unreasonable to insist that they should stay downstairs.
If they want to have sex (or loud row or similar), they should wait when no one at home . Your DH is not unreasonable to say “ no” in this situation.

You can show respect and thoughtfulness e.g by saying to your DD when you are coming back home and sticking to timings or even better by calling her and saying : We are on the way, do you want something from the shop/ can you switch on the oven etc. It’s what my friend did to avoid the awkwardness with her DD.