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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I tell DH that DD19 & BF18 want alone time

253 replies

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 20:53

Hi DD19 & her BF18 want to start spending a bit more alone time together - basically when round here during the day to spend some time alone upstairs in her bedroom like at her bf house. DH did say before he felt uncomfortable with that but I do want to tell him they want to spend time together in her room as well as downstairs but not sure how to say it to him as he’s overprotective in his ways.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 04/01/2023 21:25

Take him to the pub and leave them to it. better they do it in the house than on a park bench. They are adults,

Ladybug14 · 04/01/2023 21:30

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:14

When I say alone time I don’t mean alone time as in a moving in together type thing I mean she wants to be able to go upstairs with her bf as well as be downstairs however we all want my husband to he comfortable with that as well

Is he 12? Honestly I do think he's being really childish about this

wackamole · 04/01/2023 21:30

What is he saying or doing that indicates that he minds how much time they are already spending upstairs, or that he'd mind if they spend more? It seems odd to prepare him for it rather than her just doing what she wants to do/what seems appropriate (within reason, of course - most parents don't want to feel like their child is spending all of her time in her room, like in a hotel, with or without a partner) and letting him react and then using his reaction to start a discussion if necessary.

DarkShade · 04/01/2023 21:31

I don't understand why you all think they want to go upstairs and have sex. Have you never spent time alone with a partner without having sex with them?? Your lives are more exciting than mine, that's for sure.

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 21:32

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 21:13

What kind of nonsense. I don't even... Just no.

Why would DH be comfortable with that to the extent he should facilitate? Even i would never. YABU

And please, to mothers who happily allow their children to have sex under their roof ready to scold me for this view - don't quote me, I really don't care.

She’s 19, ffs.

LaughingCat · 04/01/2023 21:32

Safarigiraffe · 04/01/2023 21:14

When I say alone time I don’t mean alone time as in a moving in together type thing I mean she wants to be able to go upstairs with her bf as well as be downstairs however we all want my husband to he comfortable with that as well

I’m not sure you can make him comfortable with that. Gently pointing out that she and her boyfriend are adults, and therefore will now want to spend time alone together is probably your best bet. You could also point out that, as parents, you shouldn’t try to stifle or control that, as it shows you don’t trust them to be able to make the right decisions (and the right decision might actually be having sex - she’s 19, not 15). That being supportive of her choices now will mean that she feels respected and trusted and therefore less likely to ‘sneak’…and with less of an illicit thrill, there comes more sensible choices and a closer relationship in the future with her.

He doesn’t have to like it. He won’t like it. But he has to support them.

Snoken · 04/01/2023 21:32

What does your DH do now? Just follow them around the house? Or are they not allowed to go upstairs? What if you both need to go out for some reason, does the BF have to leave then?

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:33

DarkShade · 04/01/2023 21:31

I don't understand why you all think they want to go upstairs and have sex. Have you never spent time alone with a partner without having sex with them?? Your lives are more exciting than mine, that's for sure.

Yeah of course! But at 19 when they want to spend time alone in a bedroom, obviously some of the time that will be to have sex.

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/01/2023 21:37

I'm so glad my parents were actually ok with me having a bf. We would go to my room to watch a film, play video games, etc etc. We actually didn't have sex when anyone else was at home.

Your DH's problem is his issue. He needs to accept that she is an adult and doesn't want to be confined to the lounge area when she has a guest over, whether that's a boyfriend or a platonic friend. Tell him to get a grip.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 21:38

People being afraid of their adult children having sexual relations is just plain weird.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 04/01/2023 21:39

When I had a BF while i still lived at home we never had sex when others were in the house. It felt too weird

Goosefatroasts · 04/01/2023 21:39

I really feel for young people these days it’s tough for them getting no space. I moved out at 18 with my BF, the whole quiet shagging thing was incredibly annoying! It’s a tough one all round I find.

Benjispruce4 · 04/01/2023 21:39

She’s an adult. Of course her bf can go into her room. If by ‘alone time’ you mean sex when you’re in the house then I’d agree with him.
Is she allowed a gf in her room?

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 21:40

It is not your job to come up with a way of delivering the news that your adult daughter wants to hang out with her boyfriend in her bedroom, that will make your husband comfortable with that, if he's not.

There's not a way of saying it or a set of words you can use. It's not your responsiblility to spin this so he likes it more. His feelings are his responsibility!

Bertha21 · 04/01/2023 21:45

My dad had this opinion. He did give in boyfriends were allowed upstairs. But I did tend to go to their houses as it was easier. However I would say looking back that if my dad would have been a bit more relaxed I wouldn’t have felt the need to escape to some of the boyfriends houses. Some boyfriends weren’t that great for me but I stuck it out as a escape. I would hope my children feel relaxed enough to be in their own home when they get to that age. Could you speak to him about not pushing her away etc with his opinion. She is his daughter but she isn’t a child maybe he could compromise with a few rules?

Sittingonabench · 04/01/2023 21:47

She is an adult but that doesn’t mean she can do whatever she likes irrespective of boundaries put in place by those who own the house. She needs to be respectful of his boundaries (although having a discussion around these is still respectful) and if he is not open to moving the boundaries then she is free to move to her own place and set her own rules.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 04/01/2023 21:47

Bloody hell - he would have heart failure in my house.
We took the view that once in an established relationship and over 16 who they slept with/spent alone time with was their business and no one else's.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 04/01/2023 21:49

I agree with previous posters that your husband’s uncomfortable feelings are his responsibility but I also think that if your DD is adult enough to have an adult relationship then she should be adult enough to advocate for herself.
She needs her father to start seeing her as an adult and that means she needs to interact with him herself and not have her Mum do it for her. It’s a transition in their relationship but it’s one they need to manage themselves. You can probably help by just insisting that it doesn’t bother you because you see her as an adult.

Tropicaliyes · 04/01/2023 21:49

Well when I was much younger than the two of them I actually asked my mum the same thing, not with the intentions to have sex but because every other part of the house had people in it and we couldn’t even have a conversation let alone anything else!

of course my mum went on like all you could possibly do alone with your partner in your bedroom was have sex so wasn’t enthused about it at all however I had to remind her that really and truthfully when I go to his house, there was no controlling where we were allowed In the house and most of the time we were in his bedroom unsupervised so if she didn’t want us in my bedroom we will just go to his!

ultimately she allowed us in the room with the promise we kept the door open🙄 like okay whatever!

to be fair she wasn’t only like this with guys, she was the same with girls and demanded I kept the door open with them also as I think she realised if I can’t have the freedom in her house, I will just go to theirs! They can’t control everything regardless how much they would have wanted it!

FirstTime1308 · 04/01/2023 21:49

I think your husband feels that they will just have sex.. which they may do but they are adults. He probably remembers what he was like at that age and doesn’t like the thought of it happening under his roof with his DD.

That being said, she is an adult, she’s not 15. I would just point blank tell him, otherwise she will resent him and likely spend more time at her boyfriends

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 21:51

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:15

Mothers who let their children have sex are nothing to do with this though, the woman is 19, she’s not a child.

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She can get a flat and do what she wants in it. His house his rules don’t like then she’s old enough to find a flat so she can do what she wants.

HikingforScenery · 04/01/2023 21:52

MadeofElephantStone · 04/01/2023 21:04

Your DD is a grown woman, she really ought to be able to spend time alone with her boyfriend in her home if she wants to. Your husband is being ridiculous.

At 19, she’s an adult, yet but calling her “a grown woman is pushing it just a tad “ 🤣

Benjispruce4 · 04/01/2023 21:54

Does he think the only place they can have sex is in a bedroom? I doubt they would do anything while you are home, I wouldn’t have. They probably just want to cuddle up and watch films!

fanjosaysi · 04/01/2023 21:55

During the day …. I’d be fine with him staying in the room overnight and doing whatever they wanted in the room but I wouldn’t like to be in my home during the day while other adults were having sex in the house.

*~~~~~~
*
This. Also agree with others who said the same.

It's just ew. Can do what they like in the late evening and night but not just going up in the daytime when you know what they're doing. Do PPs slip upstairs for sex with DH when teens are downstairs?

Coffeellama · 04/01/2023 21:55

Rollingaroundinmud · 04/01/2023 21:51

She can get a flat and do what she wants in it. His house his rules don’t like then she’s old enough to find a flat so she can do what she wants.

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It’s not the 50s, it’s not ‘his house his rules’, he has a partner here who’s asking for advice, they both get a say. And they might not want to force their DD to move out at 19, they might just need a little advice to navigate this. Doesn’t have to
be ‘my rules or get out’ does it.

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