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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refusing to take time off work while I am sick

117 replies

Songbird54321 · 04/01/2023 14:15

I have had the flu type bug going round for almost a week now. The first few days I had it my partner was off work anyway so helped with the kids. The baby is also ill.
The day he returned to work I was absolutely ill, could hardly move, couldn't talk without coughing so much I was nearly sick and my temperature was sky high. I asked him to stay off and look after the kids but he wouldn't. He doesn't work in a particularly important job and they sell themselves as a flexible and family friendly company, although we've never really been in this situation before as I'm rarely ill and usually have a lot more of support options than I currently do.
My only other option was to ask my mother, who is also a carer for my father who has dementia, which I seriously wanted to avoid in case either of them catch it from us. She came and got them happily.
When he got home yesterday and I stewed and stewed and eventually lost it with him (as best I could between coughs).
Apparently I am unreasonable expecting him to look after his own kids when I am unable.
Am I?

Just to add, I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 04/01/2023 14:17

No you’re not. Your mistake was to hitch up with him. My DH shared the time off with me when ours had to be looked after.

KarmaStar · 04/01/2023 14:19

Yanbu.
He is a selfish person.
I hope your parents don't catch anything.
Also hope you feel much better soon.💐

PineapplePear · 04/01/2023 14:21

Not unreasonable, but he’s possibly worried it looks like he’s extending his holiday rather than genuinely looking after the kids, and if he comes down with it later it will look more suss. But , if he has a good recipe record, and is being honest he needs to fight the paranoia and help.

Hope you feel better soon x

catfunk · 04/01/2023 14:22

No, he's being a shit parent. I'd be furious. All employers have to give emergency dependants leave

MilkyYay · 05/01/2023 12:13

All employers have to give emergency dependants leave

True but this is usually just one day to give you time to make other arrangements.

ALS94 · 05/01/2023 12:30

You’re not being unreasonable at all. You deserve time off to recover too.

Maybe wait until you’re feeling better so you have the energy to have a conversation again and tell him how you feel, I’d push to agree on a plan (that doesn’t rely on your mum) so that if this happens again you already know what to do, whether that’s both of you taking the time off so one can recover or starting a relationship with a trusted babysitter that you could call in if needed.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/01/2023 12:35

I think you're being unreasonable actually. You'll get a ton of colds, sicky bugs, coughs etc as you have little children, you cant expect everyone else to take up the slack while you languish in your sick bed. You need to just suck it up and crack on.

You do need to address him not taking time off when you are both at work and your children are ill. That's really taking the piss.

Velda · 05/01/2023 12:36

MilkyYay · 05/01/2023 12:13

All employers have to give emergency dependants leave

True but this is usually just one day to give you time to make other arrangements.

How are you supposed to get childcare at such short notice?! Assuming you don’t have friends or relatives who can help (which a lot of people don’t). No childminder is going to take kids at 24 hours notice, and they certainly won’t take them for only 3-4 days.

Genuine question, who do they think parents can get to look after their kids?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2023 12:38

Of course you're not being unreasonable, but I highly doubt this is the first time he's been a selfish prick. I'm sure you've known this all along.

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 12:39

I think YABU frankly. You had childcare options - I don't know why you present their grandparent taking them as a last resort, that is surely most people's first resort. Taking a day off on his day back would look bad, but perhaps he should have explained that his wife didn't think his job is particularly important.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 05/01/2023 12:41

Who would be looking after the kids if you were at work?
Mine sound like they are much older than yours, but they had a dire Christmas holiday, as DH was working in on call, and I was in bed counting the hours til I could take more pain relief. They basically had a week of solid screens, with occasional parental input to assist with lunch.

I think the bigger issue is that he never takes time off work to look after ill kids.

Velda · 05/01/2023 12:44

And to answer your question OP: He is a dick. Of course he will look after your kids if you genuinely can’t - but he obviously doesn’t think that’s the case right now. He believes you’re not sick enough to be classed as “unable to look after the kids”.

My DH is like that too. I remember once I was incredibly ill and I had to lock myself and the kids in the bedroom and sleep/vomit/pass out on the bed while they played on the floor. Because DH wouldn’t stay off work to look after them. And when I had surgery on my leg he still wouldn’t stay off work to look after them and I had to get my 80yo Gran to help. Imagine being so fucking selfish that you make an 80yo lady take on your responsibilities! Needless to say I fell out of love with him and I only stay because I need his money to put a roof over the kids heads.

Potterylady13 · 05/01/2023 12:46

Sorry but who has the kids when you are at work? Why are they not there?

10HailMarys · 05/01/2023 12:48

I don't know why you present their grandparent taking them as a last resort, that is surely most people's first resort.

Did you read the OP's post? She said her mother already cares for the OP's dad, who has dementia. I don't think most people's 'first resort' would be to ask an older person, who is already the sole carer for another older person, to come and pick up a couple kids from a house full of infectious flu.

OP, if you'd just had a bit of a cold or something I'd say YABU but given that you were clearly a lot more ill than that and his employer is family-friendly, he absolutely should have taken the day off work to look after his kids and YANBU.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 05/01/2023 12:49

@Hont1986 do you really not get why someone might want to try and prevent their elderly parents from getting a respiratory infection? Of course up to a point you need to just get on with things but even mums (shock horror) are allowed to sometimes be too ill to look after very young children, at which point the other parent, if there is one should step up. I'm a single parent and haven't got that option but on the odd occasion I've been THAT ill it's been v v difficult and I absolutely would expect a partner to get involved in that scenario. The fact that the op is always the one to be off if the kids are sick is also outrageous and if I was her employer I'd be asking questions.

bigbluebus · 05/01/2023 12:50

Sorry you're feeling ill but unless you were actually in hospital, I fail to see how your virus becomes your husband's employers problem.

I've had to manage with 2 disabled DC in the past. I would never have dreamt of asking DH to take time off work. I just dosed up with paracetamol/ibuprofen and got on with it as best as I could until DH got home.

Merlott · 05/01/2023 12:51

YABU because you've had multiple kids with this man and he's simply assumed you're fine with the status quo, you've never expected anything else of him.
Stop "usually taking time off work when kids are ill".Log every single day and force it 50/50.Let this be the watershed moment for you OP

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 12:52

She said her mother already cares for the OP's dad, who has dementia.

That doesn't tell us much on it's own; dementia can be a wide spectrum. It could just mean that grandpa is forgetful sometimes. As pensioners they will have had their flu jabs and they can assess the risk of catching a bug themselves.

Stressfordays · 05/01/2023 13:01

I understand its hard but you need to just get on with it really. Most parents have to.

tattygrl · 05/01/2023 13:04

YANBU but it's time to start asserting boundaries. I'm really sorry your partner is so selfish regarding this. Maybe it's a blind spot and he's got used to assuming you're the default child-carer, rather than being deliberately selfish, but either way the result is the same. Time to make some changes.

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:05

Why are the children home and not in Nursery / School?

Do you have a job?

Bromleyrob15 · 05/01/2023 13:06

Firstly does husband get paid being off?..money pressure could make him return back to work..so really need both sides of a post before people should decide

tattygrl · 05/01/2023 13:06

CalistoNoSolo · 05/01/2023 12:35

I think you're being unreasonable actually. You'll get a ton of colds, sicky bugs, coughs etc as you have little children, you cant expect everyone else to take up the slack while you languish in your sick bed. You need to just suck it up and crack on.

You do need to address him not taking time off when you are both at work and your children are ill. That's really taking the piss.

This is a ridiculous comment. There is another adult in this parenting partnership, from whom OP should be able to expect full support. Also, from OP's description of her illness, it was closer to flu than a cold or sick bug. Needing support while raising children isn't "expecting everyone else to take up the slack", it's unavoidable and part of life. It takes a village to raise children.

RealBecca · 05/01/2023 13:06

Yabu to say in your first paragraph that he "helped you with the kids" they arent just yours.

Fwiw I think you are right to be angry. But what are you going to do about it? How is it better than being single?

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:09

bigbluebus · 05/01/2023 12:50

Sorry you're feeling ill but unless you were actually in hospital, I fail to see how your virus becomes your husband's employers problem.

I've had to manage with 2 disabled DC in the past. I would never have dreamt of asking DH to take time off work. I just dosed up with paracetamol/ibuprofen and got on with it as best as I could until DH got home.

Err, because he has kids, it’s pretty normal that parents sometimes have to take time off to care for their children. Just because you were a martyr, doesn’t mean all women need to be.