Partner refusing to take time off work while I am sick

[Songbird54321]

I have had the flu type bug going round for almost a week now. The first few days I had it my partner was off work anyway so helped with the kids. The baby is also ill.
The day he returned to work I was absolutely ill, could hardly move, couldn't talk without coughing so much I was nearly sick and my temperature was sky high. I asked him to stay off and look after the kids but he wouldn't. He doesn't work in a particularly important job and they sell themselves as a flexible and family friendly company, although we've never really been in this situation before as I'm rarely ill and usually have a lot more of support options than I currently do.
My only other option was to ask my mother, who is also a carer for my father who has dementia, which I seriously wanted to avoid in case either of them catch it from us. She came and got them happily.
When he got home yesterday and I stewed and stewed and eventually lost it with him (as best I could between coughs).
Apparently I am unreasonable expecting him to look after his own kids when I am unable.
Am I?

Just to add, I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

@justgettingthroughtheday wrong. Sole carer just means there is no other carer, it doesn't imply severity. If anything the opposite. The mother hasn't described herself as a carer at all, OP is doing that.

My annual leave was pre booked to be off while the schools were off, not instead of sick leave. Sorry wasn't very clear.

Thank you, I've had it a week now. I also thought it was covid but it's not. I've had covid a few times and never really felt more than a cold with it.
Fever has gone but generally still feel pretty crappy, although I can now look after my own children 😂
I hope you feel better soon too

wow a veritable race to the bottom here - "Well my husband was massively uncaring and shit so you should not expect anything better either!"

I agree. That's what we have to do isn't it? Colds, coughs and bugs are constant when you have young school aged children.
I've known me be throwing up from a sickness bug at the same time as cleaning up one of my children's sick and stripping their bed. I was weak and disorientated and all I wanted to do was sleep. But I couldn't do that because I'm a mum with no outside help. Instead I crawled to the washer, was sick some more, and crawled back to my child to comfort him/her.
It was just the same when I caught Covid (kids didn't, thankfully) I had to keep them off as I had no way of getting them to school. I physically wouldn't have been able to do the 3 mile round trip on foot. So they were home with me for a week and I honestly felt like I was dying, the worst I've ever felt. I don't think I deserve a medal, or praise of any kind, I was simply doing what I had to do.
He sounds like a selfish person and I certainly wouldn't put up with it, but I don't think you come across great in this either.

First, OP was so ill she could barely move, she didn't ask the DH to take time off because she sneezed once.

Second, yeah yeah you were all crawling up the stairs with 2 broken legs while balancing a laundry basket on your head, whart a hero, here's your medal.

OP did have other options, she's not a single parent and by the sound of it, DH could have taken time off without any issues, he just didn't want to. What kind of partner leaves a spouse so ill she can barely stand to look after kids when they could easily help? How low is the bar?

Can I just clarify - are you married OP? If not, and you’re letting your career prospects suffer by taking maternity leave and being the default childcare option when the DCs are off school, you need to seriously look at what would happen if you split up. This is precisely why marriage is recommended, as women put their DCs and partners first, making their own earning potential take a back seat, and are then shocked to find when they split up that they’re entitled to nothing.

Not only is your partner (and I use the term loosely) benefitting from your input, but also from your sister’s (unpaid?) labour and that of his parents, to support his Big Important Man Job.

Please don’t sleep walk into a situation where 10 years down the line you’re fucked financially and career-wise. Start putting your own job first, expecting 50-50, applying for promotions or other jobs with more responsibilities and better pay, so that it’s not always on you to pick up his share of the parenting slack.

A lot depends on the use of the word flu… proper flu you’d be laid up in bed for sure. Unfortunately people use it when they have a bad cold so the word is devalued. If I had flu I absolutely would expect my DH to ask work for some time off yes. He’s had to do that once about 10 years ago when both myself and DD had a vomiting bug but luckily nothing since. I do also expect him to share in the childcare when DD has been ill as well. I ensured he took time off when she had chicken pox because why should my boss carry the burden for covering my job for a week or more? We both work for the same public sector employer so I know how flexible they are able to be. I definitely wouldn’t continue with the expectation that you will always do this OP - it’s a huge mistake. We need more men to be seeking flexibility from employers not just women. Hope you feel better soon.

Maternity leave means that you lose career prospects? Ok then so maybe the man should take paternity leave then...hang on - how does this work if the baby is breastfeeding?

Also I can't see where the post mentions maternity leave, maybe I've missed it.

I had that flu bug and could barely function for a couple, of days and mine did go to work but then I read you have a baby and small children so of course he needed to look after all of you. Get well soon.

You say barely move, I get that I was actually scared wobbling along the hall trying to get to the toilet.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. You were too unwell. Us mums carry on and on meaning if we ask for help, we need it. How on earth are you supposed to look after DC with a fever and barely able to move? They're his kids too and you're his wife! Good grief, my husband used next year's AL to look after me and our DC the week before Xmas and didn't bat an eyelid because he knew I couldn't do it.

@bigbluebus "Sorry you're feeling ill but unless you were actually in hospital, I fail to see how your virus becomes your husband's employers problem."
Well, I knew a mom who got the flu, her husband did not help at all as "this is what moms do", she got pneumonia as complication and died. They had three children.
But dad's Important Work was not affected, yay.

Some of the posts here are ridiculous and deliberately provacative

yanbu to expect dad of your dc to do his share of childcare when you both work and one of you is sick. That’s normal and it’s why people who have kids should “reserve” some of their leave for emergency situations like this. The same as both parents, if working, need to juggle school hols between them

it is NOT the first option to ask other relatives to step up. There is a perfectly capable bloke here that is responsible for his own kids. He is refusing merely because he knows it’s harder work to be at home looking after kids and OP,then going into work and wants to save his leave as “holidays” for himself and not being an on duty parent.

op, you are right. I would be seriously thinking about booking into a hotel for a night and taking myself off and not reappearing until late morning, to get a decent nights sleep and proper rest. Text him once you get to hotel and tell him that it’s only way you can ensure you can recover properly , and you’ll be back tomorrow around midday. Don’t tell him where you are staying. Tell your parents NOT to answer their phone and where you are so they don’t fret or get put into an impossible position.

if he goes batshit when you get back, you say “I told you I was I’ll. I asked for you to step up to parenting your children as I wasn’t able. You did not listen to me. You did not take action. This was only way I could ensure that I could start to recover and not get worse, and it’s about protecting my own health when I was denied all other options by you” or similar.

As to why it's the husband's employer's problems, I can clear that one up for you. His children are sick and they can't go to childcare. Therefore he has a responsibility to look after them or see that someone else does, and that won't be the OP, as she is too ill.

Being sick yourself is the worst thing about having kids. You need to put kids TV on and lie on the sofa. Your 5 year old can make themselves cereals and a sandwich

Good to see update
he Obviously needs to find out more about parenteral leave and emergency leave for kids, so he’ll be clearer next time. As do you if you’re not absolutely clear.

also, agree between you now how you will cover school hols and unplanned sickness going forward. While it’s calm yet fresh. Sort out and agree expectations.

also Agree what is point in terms of illness, that one parent has to throw in the towel . Clearly just having a cold and cough, or an headache isn’t going to be serious enough. But things like establishing having a temperature over normal levels for more the 5 hours might (make sure you get a thermometer), having sickness and diarrhoea would, having a migraine might be you do actually need to check out for a couple of hours while visual disturbances happen (or longer if you have horrendous migraine symptoms), a operation involving a GA definately needs a 48 hour step out at min, But a minor procedure with a local maybe just a few hours . Anything that’s meant you not had more than 4 hours sleep over 2 nights would- but you can, if well, get though a day on 4 hours sleep as 1 off, as a lot of menopausal women will tell you🤷🏼‍♀️
set out some ground rules - then there’s no arguing and resentments and competitive “I feel worse than you” games.

he sounds like a good chap, he’s told you his reasons why he said no, you’ve told him your side, and that’s a great crucial conversation to make it safe for each of you to explain your feelings. Use that now as a learning point and agree some ground rules.

The point is that if it's normal for fathers to take paternity leave also, mothers' careers are less likely to suffer for taking maternity leave, because parental leave is no longer seen as a woman's thing that can be looked down upon because it's what women do.

How it works with breastfeeding is up to the parents. They could take consecutive leave. The woman could pump milk. It's their business, no one else's.