Partner refusing to take time off work while I am sick

[Songbird54321]

I have had the flu type bug going round for almost a week now. The first few days I had it my partner was off work anyway so helped with the kids. The baby is also ill.
The day he returned to work I was absolutely ill, could hardly move, couldn't talk without coughing so much I was nearly sick and my temperature was sky high. I asked him to stay off and look after the kids but he wouldn't. He doesn't work in a particularly important job and they sell themselves as a flexible and family friendly company, although we've never really been in this situation before as I'm rarely ill and usually have a lot more of support options than I currently do.
My only other option was to ask my mother, who is also a carer for my father who has dementia, which I seriously wanted to avoid in case either of them catch it from us. She came and got them happily.
When he got home yesterday and I stewed and stewed and eventually lost it with him (as best I could between coughs).
Apparently I am unreasonable expecting him to look after his own kids when I am unable.
Am I?

Just to add, I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

I don't think you've had flu then. The whole point about fly is that you can't soldier on.

I've only been that ill twice in my life and neither time was I well enough to look after my children.

Of course with usual coughs and cold I'd get on with it, because that's what we do.

But what do you do when you're genuinely too I'll to care for someone else's needs?

I could not safely care for our child, who was also very sick. We have no available alternative childcare. What would someone who wasn't a snowflake do?

Of course yanbu and deep down you know it. You should be relying on him though and not your other support every time you need help though. I would never rely on my mum or mil over my dh when it came to looking after me or the kids. It is unreasonable that you do when you have a partner. Your lovely mum shouldn't have to make up for your partners shortcomings. Of course she'll help you out when asked, what mother wouldn't but with your dad needing care it puts more of a burden on her.

I'd have a calm sit down conversation when you are better about his lack of love and respect for you and take it from there. Perhaps there is a reason for why he couldn't be off and he can discuss it with you.

YANBU, he should have stayed home. Work was easier so he took the easy option,

I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

He is their father and needs to share the load in taking toke off. If he works for such a family friendly and flexible company, why isn’t he taking time off for his kids, why is it always you?

Time to tell him the gravy train is over and to pull his finger out.

If he won’t change then leave the dickhead.

I don’t think you understand. This is a man we’re talking about. He has a man job and he cannot simply take time away from his man job to do unpaid woman work. There just must be another woman around the place somewhere to do the woman work. I’m not buying this ‘dementia’ and ‘elderly’ nonsense.

I don't like the whole 'family comes first' claptrap. Yes, your family comes first - to you. Not to anyone else, especially those at work that have to cover your husband's job because 'you needed him'.

YANBU and you know it.

I wonder what his excuse was? Just said flat out that he doesn't want to?

especially those at work that have to cover your husband's job because 'you needed him'.

So next time OP's children are sick, they can just take care of themselves?

But health DOES come before work.

And when his colleagues’ kids are sick, he will have to cover their work.

That’s how the world turns.

Those kids are also his responsibility. If they can’t be cared for for whatever reason that’s for you both to work out not just you. He’s very unreasonable.

@HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow I absolutely have had flu when looking after DCs and had to crawl out of bed.

There seems to be 2 different issues here though;

1. the OPs partner not sharing the taking of parental leave when the DCs are ill and OP has an equal obligation to go to work.
2. The OPs partner not taking time off work when she is ill but at home to supervise the DCs as best she can with whatever help her parents can provide.

It seems to be the default these days that every problem in peoples' home life becomes an issue for employers to solve - in this case not even the OP's employer, but her OHs employer.

Totally understand OP. I had flu and was so so ill, my DH didn’t take time off which I asked him to but wfh as a compromise. It was a horrendous few days.

My Dad is my mums carer so I totally understand why you wouldn’t ask your parents. If my dad were to get ill my mum would suffer and if my mum also got ill she could potentially be very very sick. Sorry some aren’t getting this.

@bigbluebus but it is her husband’s employers problem because it’s his problem too. He needed childcare for his kids so he should have taken the time off.

I was in a slightly similar situation once. I took myself to my mums to rest and just ditched him with the kids. And another time I felt he was taking the piss out of me I took myself to a hotel while he was out. He has never done it again.

I am not a household appliance and won't be treated like one.

I think you mean because his kids need him? He wouldn’t need time off if he didn’t have children, would he?

Exactly. Therefore I prefer working with people who don't have kids. There's always something that they need to take time off for. Frustrating.

You need to assume OP’s mum is unavailable. You are expecting another woman to provide care to get OP’s DH and his colleagues off the hook.

If OP’s too sick to take care of the kids then you should believe her.

And making a carer leave her husband to provide care isn’t the solution.

😂💯

My DH would always take time off if I was that ill (apart from one unfortunate time he was working away, fortunately it was a school day so I just about managed the rest) as we have no family nearby. Saying that, if you normally work full time where would your children normally be?

I’m a bit confused, when DH and I worked FT, both of us 5 days a week like the OP and her DH do, if one of us were ill the other would do the nursery drop off and pick up?

I dont understand why the DC are home at all? 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. Very occasionally you are so ill that all you can do is sleep and crawl to the bathroom, but don't need to be in hospital. In those circumstances you can't properly supervise a child. Your husband should have done it.

Scalottitia genuinely what was my alternative? It's easy to criticize, especially if you have a support network.

The opening post does say the baby is also ill.

The baby was unwell. You can't send a sick baby to nursery, nor a sick child to school.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I hope you will be as compassionate towards your ‘d’h when he gets the flu. Just remember, he doesn’t need any special treatment.