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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refusing to take time off work while I am sick

117 replies

Songbird54321 · 04/01/2023 14:15

I have had the flu type bug going round for almost a week now. The first few days I had it my partner was off work anyway so helped with the kids. The baby is also ill.
The day he returned to work I was absolutely ill, could hardly move, couldn't talk without coughing so much I was nearly sick and my temperature was sky high. I asked him to stay off and look after the kids but he wouldn't. He doesn't work in a particularly important job and they sell themselves as a flexible and family friendly company, although we've never really been in this situation before as I'm rarely ill and usually have a lot more of support options than I currently do.
My only other option was to ask my mother, who is also a carer for my father who has dementia, which I seriously wanted to avoid in case either of them catch it from us. She came and got them happily.
When he got home yesterday and I stewed and stewed and eventually lost it with him (as best I could between coughs).
Apparently I am unreasonable expecting him to look after his own kids when I am unable.
Am I?

Just to add, I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 05/01/2023 14:18

My Dh used to be like this. I’m not a stay at home mum, it was when I was on mat leave and sick. I told him it wasn’t ok and he was just thoughtless and selfish and didn’t get it, so I told him our marriage was over if I couldn’t rely on him to look after our children when I was unwell. I said I wasn’t going to grow old with someone who wouldn’t care for me as if you grow old with someone at some point someone is going to have to look after the other and if he wasn’t going to look after me I didn’t want to get old with him and I certainly was not going to look after him after a lifetime of my suddenly being a single parent when sick. So best to call it quits now so I can find someone caring and kind who I do want to grow old with. And he was totally shocked (no idea why, seems bloody obvious to me) and changed.
We also share the staying home with sick kids, he wasn’t a dick about that (Although I can wfh and he can’t do it does fall more on me)

Original poster
Songbird54321 · 05/01/2023 14:25

Thanks for all the replies.
To clarify a few points, the schools in this area are not back until next week, I have taken annual leave.
My in laws would usually have the youngest on a Tuesday but were 250 miles away for a funeral.
It was just shitty timing for me to get ill, usually it wouldn't have gotten to the point of asking him to stay off.
We're not a sicky family, certainly not to the point of staying in bed and not being able to at least function to do the basics so don't really have much experience of this situation.

I have spoken to him more calmly since. He apparently didn't realise how ill I was and does feel very guilty for leaving me with the kids and for my parents having to take them.
He felt it would look bad ringing in after being off for 10 days when his colleagues know I am not at work and is under the impression that although he is entitled to dependent leave, it is unpaid (he's never used it) so was worried it would leave us short for this month. I have not long returned from maternity leave so financially not where we're used to being.

He is not usually a selfish prick at all, he cooks, cleans, does homework, bedtimes etc just as much as I do (maybe even more) hence my total surprise at his response to my asking for a bit of support.
I get his side, he gets mine.
I still think he was wrong in this scenario, he now agrees. Let's hope it was just a lesson learned for the future

OP posts:
OooScotland · 05/01/2023 14:35

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 12:52

She said her mother already cares for the OP's dad, who has dementia.

That doesn't tell us much on it's own; dementia can be a wide spectrum. It could just mean that grandpa is forgetful sometimes. As pensioners they will have had their flu jabs and they can assess the risk of catching a bug themselves.

FFS. If her mother is his sole carer grandpa is NOT just ‘a bit forgetful’. And bringing young children into that scenario without anparent to supervise, especially from a flu infected household, was a very, very bad idea.

Assess the risk of catching a bug themselves? Now I really do wonder what planet you’re on. OP called on her elderly mother to help, which I imagine she did without a second thought to the consequences, which I hope for all their sakes are not too serious.

Mother taking the kids in this case should absolutely have been avoided. DH does have to work (I take issue with OP saying DH’s job is ‘not particularly important’ as its helping to provide for his family and I’m sure she’d be livid if he said that about her work - but that’s another thread) but he should have taken one emergency day to organise alternative childcare going forward.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:36

So what’s his excuse for leaving you to cover all child sicknesses? You can’t do that anymore, if you’ve just returned from maternity leave, it would look bad, wouldn’t it? His turn to cover their sickness next time.

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 14:42

@OooScotland bizarre post. 'Sole carer' could just mean they are living together. It was not a "very, very bad idea", it was a perfectly commonplace case of a grandparent babysitting their grandchild. She has also never called her mother elderly!

Swissmountains · 05/01/2023 14:43

Of course he needs to step up!

There are sick bugs, colds, viruses all possible to dose yourself up and a day or two with cbeebies and you are out of the woods BUT you sound really really ill. Too ill to care for such young children and a baby for heavens sake.

I am sorry he is being so selfish. He needs to grow a pair and have a conversation with his line manager. He probably thinks it is easier to go to work and he isn't wrong, but he has a duty to care for all of you.

When he catches it, you can leave all the children with him and go out each day shopping and lunching.

healthadvice123 · 05/01/2023 14:45

@Scalottia its a job thats all people are ill sometimes
Your a little to invested in work first I think , I do hope you don't have kids

healthadvice123 · 05/01/2023 14:48

@bigbluebus why do you think parental leave etc exists ?
We are all human we get ill or sometimes having caring responsibilities
If your mum was rushed to hospital or had fallen at home and you had a call at work you would prob ask to leave and go to them, not works problem either but most places if your not off all the time which doesn't seem the case here would have no issue

Spiderboy · 05/01/2023 14:51

I’d also feel really awkward calling into work after 10 days off in this scenario. You say he had already looked after them for a whole week during your sickness too. It really depends on how old they are. Age 5+ I would expect it to be okay.

Original poster
Songbird54321 · 05/01/2023 14:53

Naunet · 05/01/2023 14:36

So what’s his excuse for leaving you to cover all child sicknesses? You can’t do that anymore, if you’ve just returned from maternity leave, it would look bad, wouldn’t it? His turn to cover their sickness next time.

Honestly, he's not taken time off to look after them before because I never really considered it an issue. I'm able to work from home at a push, he isn't. And I can only think of maybe twice that I've actually had to take time off last minute for my eldest as she's not ill often. We're very lucky that their grandparents will still have them when they're a bit poorly, just won't do vomiting.
I'm sure going forward we will share it more if needed

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 05/01/2023 14:54

Your kids are school age. YABU, a couple of days watching movies and playing on their tablets isn't going to do them any harm.

Neverhot · 05/01/2023 14:54

Surely your mum was the best person to call in this scenario? I'd feel awkward if I'd just had 10 days off tbh.

Original poster
Songbird54321 · 05/01/2023 14:55

Spiderboy · 05/01/2023 14:51

I’d also feel really awkward calling into work after 10 days off in this scenario. You say he had already looked after them for a whole week during your sickness too. It really depends on how old they are. Age 5+ I would expect it to be okay.

Eldest is 5 so could easily cope with her but youngest is 9 months and a challenge when we're all healthy!

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 05/01/2023 14:57

Songbird54321 · 05/01/2023 14:55

Eldest is 5 so could easily cope with her but youngest is 9 months and a challenge when we're all healthy!

Show quote history

So where does the youngest go when you are working 5 days a week?

antipodeancanary · 05/01/2023 15:01

catfunk · 04/01/2023 14:22

No, he's being a shit parent. I'd be furious. All employers have to give emergency dependants leave

Yes but just one day! Or less if possible. We are expected to get childcare sorted in the morning and be back at work in the afternoon. (NHS) Of course no employer has to give lengthy dependants leave.

EarthlyNightshade · 05/01/2023 15:04

bigbluebus · 05/01/2023 12:50

Sorry you're feeling ill but unless you were actually in hospital, I fail to see how your virus becomes your husband's employers problem.

I've had to manage with 2 disabled DC in the past. I would never have dreamt of asking DH to take time off work. I just dosed up with paracetamol/ibuprofen and got on with it as best as I could until DH got home.

Why would you not ask him? Is he their father?
I have been ill and not in hospital, and unable to look after a small child.
I was also ill once, DCs old enough now to get themselves to school, and DH was able to take a few hours off work to look after me.
Not all illness can be cured by paracetamol.

Original poster
Songbird54321 · 05/01/2023 15:10

@Catapultaway
She is cared for between my in laws who were away earlier in the week and my sister who works part time.

Yes, we're bloody lucky

OP posts:
Caplin · 05/01/2023 15:14

YANBU. My Dad did this to my Mum, except he travelled overseas for work leaving her with three small kids. In the end she divorced him (about 20 years on) and that was a story she still fixes on. It was a turning point in their relationship that he cared more about work than her and us. Still took her ages to leave, but it was one of many things that chipped away.

WhatDoYouWantNow · 05/01/2023 15:19

bigbluebus · 05/01/2023 12:50

Sorry you're feeling ill but unless you were actually in hospital, I fail to see how your virus becomes your husband's employers problem.

I've had to manage with 2 disabled DC in the past. I would never have dreamt of asking DH to take time off work. I just dosed up with paracetamol/ibuprofen and got on with it as best as I could until DH got home.

this

Onnabugeisha · 05/01/2023 15:20

Adelant · 05/01/2023 14:15

The opening post does say the baby is also ill.

Show quote history

Thank you, I missed that bit.

ThingsChristmasJumper · 05/01/2023 15:23

YABU. Lie on the sofa with CBeebies on. Part of the joy of young kids is getting all their illnesses- you can’t expect him to take time off every time you’re ill.

Zebedee55 · 05/01/2023 15:27

Is partners taking time off because someone is sick a new thing? If you're at home, you can rest anyway. Years ago, there were no options for husbands rushing home from work, so we just got on with it.🙄

Yousee · 05/01/2023 15:30

Oh my goodness, people love to wade in to stick the boot it not realising we can all tell who didn't actually read a word OP said!
I was very ill after having DS2, DS1 was only 11 months, and even when hospital decided I wasn't sick enough to be there anymore I still wasn't well. I didn't realise how much of a rare gem DH apparently is that he saw taking care of his sick wife and vulnerable child as being very much a "him" problem and told his employer exactly that.
IMO if you are too sick to take care of the kids then you are as unavailable as if you were at work yourself. He needs to take his turn and I'm pleased to see you've managed to chat things out with him OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 15:34

Why are you using up annual leave when you are obviously ill? This is what sick leave is for.

And he's a selfish tosser for not looking after his own children.

I've had this bug too; coughing to the point of vomiting, several times. Had it for 3 weeks now and I'm so fed up. Two neg COVID tests but had it all through Xmas, partner's birthday, NY etc. Just knackered.

I still think he was wrong in this scenario, he now agrees. Let's hope it was just a lesson learned for the future

I hope so too. Well done for keeping your patience and sorting it out. I hope you feel better soon.

justgettingthroughtheday · 05/01/2023 15:40

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 14:42

@OooScotland bizarre post. 'Sole carer' could just mean they are living together. It was not a "very, very bad idea", it was a perfectly commonplace case of a grandparent babysitting their grandchild. She has also never called her mother elderly!

Seriously?!! 😳🙄

If someone is described as a sole carer then funnily enough there is HIGHLY LIKELY significant care needs involved. Not a bit of forgetfulness! 🙄
In my experience people rarely describe themselves as a carer until the needs are significant.
And no bringing small children - one of whom is unwell - into that situation without another adult present is not an ideal situation at all!

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