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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refusing to take time off work while I am sick

117 replies

Songbird54321 · 04/01/2023 14:15

I have had the flu type bug going round for almost a week now. The first few days I had it my partner was off work anyway so helped with the kids. The baby is also ill.
The day he returned to work I was absolutely ill, could hardly move, couldn't talk without coughing so much I was nearly sick and my temperature was sky high. I asked him to stay off and look after the kids but he wouldn't. He doesn't work in a particularly important job and they sell themselves as a flexible and family friendly company, although we've never really been in this situation before as I'm rarely ill and usually have a lot more of support options than I currently do.
My only other option was to ask my mother, who is also a carer for my father who has dementia, which I seriously wanted to avoid in case either of them catch it from us. She came and got them happily.
When he got home yesterday and I stewed and stewed and eventually lost it with him (as best I could between coughs).
Apparently I am unreasonable expecting him to look after his own kids when I am unable.
Am I?

Just to add, I usually also work 5 days a week and am the one to take time off when the kids are ill.

OP posts:
Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:11

Hont1986 · 05/01/2023 12:52

She said her mother already cares for the OP's dad, who has dementia.

That doesn't tell us much on it's own; dementia can be a wide spectrum. It could just mean that grandpa is forgetful sometimes. As pensioners they will have had their flu jabs and they can assess the risk of catching a bug themselves.

Imagine thinking grandmothers have more responsibility to care for your children than their own father! The life of a dick panderer…

HelloBunny · 05/01/2023 13:15

I call my mother in this situation. You said yours was happy to take the kids? Only in the worst case scenario would I ask DH to miss work.

MintJulia · 05/01/2023 13:19

As a single mum, I've had to do the 'lock us in the bedroom and pile toys on the floor for ds while I rest' option.

It isn't great but it works for most situations. Your dh obviously thinks you can cope. Dose up on paracetamol, vit c and fluids and keep going.

I hope you feel better soon.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 05/01/2023 13:19

It doesn't matter what any of us would do. Our parents may not be vulnerable, we might be SAHM who IS the default parent and has a network of mum friends who could help. Our husbands might be brain surgeons or A&E doctors. If it's a fairly standard office job that will not cause the world to end, we need to stop putting "the man job" on this golden pedestal. If she is too ill too manage, the other parent needs to step up and as a whole society we need to make this more normal.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:20

HelloBunny · 05/01/2023 13:15

I call my mother in this situation. You said yours was happy to take the kids? Only in the worst case scenario would I ask DH to miss work.

Why do you think your mother has more of a duty to babysit your kids, than their own parent? Did you miss that he expects OP to take time off work to look after them every time they’re ill? Is that different for some reason?

RayRai · 05/01/2023 13:20

His job is not important? Isn't everyone's job important? Otherwise there wouldn't be a job for them!

Seasonofthewitch83 · 05/01/2023 13:21

Why do these threads always become a race to the bottom?

Yeah well OP, I had to raise ten children, alone, in a field in the snow while my eyeballs fell out and my skin peeled off. I cracked on! We then walked twenty miles with no shoes. You are selfish for expecting the other parent to help look after their children.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:21

RayRai · 05/01/2023 13:20

His job is not important? Isn't everyone's job important? Otherwise there wouldn't be a job for them!

Well apparently OPs isn’t because he expects her to take time off every time the kids are sick…

Perfect28 · 05/01/2023 13:21

Yanbu, I was in this exact same situation recently. My dh is a teacher so it's really tricky to take days off but we needed him so he did. Family comes first.

Emmamoo89 · 05/01/2023 13:22

YANBU. Hope you feel better soon. Your partner is being a dick

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:23

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 05/01/2023 13:19

It doesn't matter what any of us would do. Our parents may not be vulnerable, we might be SAHM who IS the default parent and has a network of mum friends who could help. Our husbands might be brain surgeons or A&E doctors. If it's a fairly standard office job that will not cause the world to end, we need to stop putting "the man job" on this golden pedestal. If she is too ill too manage, the other parent needs to step up and as a whole society we need to make this more normal.

That to me just sounds like the consequence of deciding to be a SAHM.

The SAHM could always get a job, children in nursery and then if they get sick, time off without kids at home?

If you're going to choose to be a SAHM then you should deal with the consequences

Seasonofthewitch83 · 05/01/2023 13:24

I am stewing on OPs behalf now.

If you get paid parental leave, then use it. Be a decent partner and book the days of emergency leave to help out at home.

And if thats not an option, I KNOW my DH would race home after work with dinner sorted, meds and treats for me and pack me off to bed and take over.

STOP MARRYING SUCH LAZY SELFISH ARSEHOLES.

RayRai · 05/01/2023 13:24

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:21

Well apparently OPs isn’t because he expects her to take time off every time the kids are sick…

Show quote history

Which is why I've not commented on any of that. Just pointing out that it's probably not best use of words calling someone's job not important.

cushioncovers · 05/01/2023 13:24

Yabu. To expect your Dh to take the day off of work at short notice but yanbu to expect him to take over and let you rest when he gets home from work.

JustFrustrated · 05/01/2023 13:25

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:23

That to me just sounds like the consequence of deciding to be a SAHM.

The SAHM could always get a job, children in nursery and then if they get sick, time off without kids at home?

If you're going to choose to be a SAHM then you should deal with the consequences

Show quote history

But she isn't a SAHM.

The baby who presumably is usually at nursery, is ill.

And schools were shut until yesterday for older kids.

Both parents. Both work. If one is too ill to work and look after the kids, then the other steps up.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:25

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:23

That to me just sounds like the consequence of deciding to be a SAHM.

The SAHM could always get a job, children in nursery and then if they get sick, time off without kids at home?

If you're going to choose to be a SAHM then you should deal with the consequences

Show quote history

She’s not a SAHM though…

Soothsayer1 · 05/01/2023 13:27

He protects his earning potential but expects you to take a hit on yours, this is not an equal relationship, he sees himself as the boss and you are all his servants.
Time to get a better life for you and the children.

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:27

cushioncovers · 05/01/2023 13:24

Yabu. To expect your Dh to take the day off of work at short notice but yanbu to expect him to take over and let you rest when he gets home from work.

Why?! I can’t get my head around this, she’s purely expecting him to do exactly what he expects from her. If it’s acceptable for him to demand she take time off at short notice to care for the kids, why does the same rule not apply to him?

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:28

JustFrustrated · 05/01/2023 13:25

But she isn't a SAHM.

The baby who presumably is usually at nursery, is ill.

And schools were shut until yesterday for older kids.

Both parents. Both work. If one is too ill to work and look after the kids, then the other steps up.

Show quote history

Yes, sorry if both working then and childcare is closed then yes, I agree with you, he needs to take time off

whynotwhatknot · 05/01/2023 13:28

why is it down to you to always take time off when kids are ill

does he have anything to say to that

Soothsayer1 · 05/01/2023 13:28

@Taddyy have you posted on the wrong thread?

Taddyy · 05/01/2023 13:29

Soothsayer1 · 05/01/2023 13:28

@Taddyy have you posted on the wrong thread?

Sorry?

Scottishskifun · 05/01/2023 13:29

Definitely not being unreasonable and you need to address the balance that it's always you off work when the kids are sick!
It should be taken in turns unless a surgeon, lawyer with court date, offshore etc. His career isn't more important than yours because he's a bloke!
DH and I take it in turns when DCs are ill as should be the way with parenting as a team!

Soothsayer1 · 05/01/2023 13:30

Naunet · 05/01/2023 13:27

Why?! I can’t get my head around this, she’s purely expecting him to do exactly what he expects from her. If it’s acceptable for him to demand she take time off at short notice to care for the kids, why does the same rule not apply to him?

Show quote history

The answer is that he's making sure that whatever happens he has the ability to earn money, it's in his interest to let his wife Sabotage her career because that means he has more power over.
This man is not a team player, he is not a partner, not a relationship person, he just wants to be the boss and have power over you.

Chocolate23 · 05/01/2023 13:34

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