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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

313 replies

Bigcrane · 03/01/2023 07:08

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

OP posts:
ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 13:22

Am I really the only one perplexed that a very young family, with two full time working parents, would choose to blow money on extended family over and above channeling towards their own family first and their very young childrens’ futures?

and Op never came back to clarify how her DH felt about family money being spent so freely on her extended family

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 13:26

Are you working hard because you're career driven, enjoy or etc or are you just trying to earn enough to buy nice things so people will love you?

If it's the former, then just a see honestly "I know we both work hard but we really enjoy our work and it's rewarding for us".

If it's to pay for nice stuff you and the kids like say "well I could work less hours but then we couldn't afford to do X, Yand Z and we really value those things". Include the things you do with thm.

If it's just too be loved by them, stop. You should be enough just as the person you are

Dotjones · 03/01/2023 13:26

YABU to assume that you earn more because you work hard(er than them). People on low salaries can work just as hard as those who earn more, in many cases people on low wages work harder than those higher up simply because they can't afford not to.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 13:29

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 13:22

Am I really the only one perplexed that a very young family, with two full time working parents, would choose to blow money on extended family over and above channeling towards their own family first and their very young childrens’ futures?

and Op never came back to clarify how her DH felt about family money being spent so freely on her extended family

Where are you getting that the kids are going without, now or in their future? Op hasn't said every spare penny goes towards buying her families attention, just that it's important to her they share these experiences. Or that she'd work less if she was only paying for her immediate family.

OldFan · 03/01/2023 13:29

@Dotjones I don't think OP has said that anywhere. She just said her working pays for the trips because she happens to earn more for what she does (which I took as just meaning she earns more than they do per hour/salary or whatever.)

AreOttersJustWetCats · 03/01/2023 13:30

pleaseandthankyou45 · 03/01/2023 13:10

Why don't you just tell them that you can't work less and pay for things like the cottage? Money doesn't grow on trees. Maybe they just need it pointed out and it will make you feel better.

The OP hasn't said that they asked her to pay for those things though. There is nothing to indicate that they expect her to pay for a cottage at Xmas, and most families manage to celebrate at home just fine.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/01/2023 13:34

Next time just say ok mum I will take your advice, and that means no more trips, holidays and can we cut back on gifts please

pattihews · 03/01/2023 13:35

Am I really the only one perplexed that a very young family, with two full time working parents, would choose to blow money on extended family over and above channeling towards their own family first and their very young childrens’ futures?

If they're a pair of lawyers each on £150k+, they're not going to be short-changing their own family to pay £3,700 on a family holiday. Perhaps they're trying to ensure that their children grow up knowing they're part of a loving extended family and close to their DGPs? I have very fond memories of holidays spent with extended family.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/01/2023 13:44

Do what they say and then if they do comment on lack of trips etc then say “well you told me to work less and how else did you think we were able to do all those things” or something along those lines

Loopylooloop · 03/01/2023 13:56

I think they are ungrateful and should acknowledge what you do. Even if my family was wealthy like that i wouldn’t let them pay for everything! I think the “helpful” suggestions are a way of trying to create a bit of control in the situation. Like their advice is essential and just as valuable as your contribution.

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 13:59

Dotjones · 03/01/2023 13:26

YABU to assume that you earn more because you work hard(er than them). People on low salaries can work just as hard as those who earn more, in many cases people on low wages work harder than those higher up simply because they can't afford not to.

OP isn't assuming anything. It's a fact that earning the amount of money she is requires long hours of work. The implication is that her family members all work fewer hours and earn less than her. I don't think she implied that they could suddenly switch careers and earn more with longer hours but it's not relevant anyway. The fact is her income requires longer hours work.

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 14:01

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 13:29

Where are you getting that the kids are going without, now or in their future? Op hasn't said every spare penny goes towards buying her families attention, just that it's important to her they share these experiences. Or that she'd work less if she was only paying for her immediate family.

Show quote history

Two under 6 with full time parents, at least one of whom working unpaid hours in addition.

I think safe to say that the kids will be missing out in at least some sense

and then when there is holiday periods… crammed with extended family stuff

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 14:26

DH and I are definitely the higher earners in our family so will definitely foot the bill for family meals out and days out for the rest of them. I think the rest of the family appreciate it but equally would be more than happy to just do free stuff and spend time together without spending money.

It would be crazy to work your socks off to pay for stuff for the extended family so presumably being able to afford to rent a cottage is a perk of the higher paying job but not the reason you do it. So in that sense your family naturally wouldn't factor that into how they talk about your working hours. Unless they're awful people I'm sure they'd be happy for you not to book a theme park day if it meant you had a better work-life balance. While those days can be nice they're not going to have a massive impact on anyone's life and a day at the park/beach/someone's house is nice too.

That said the way they're talking to you might be a bit patronising. Presumably you've carefully thought about how you arrange your life and career so it's not necessarily helpful for family to make blanket statements. It would be fine if they expressed concern for you but beyond that you're an adult who can make decisions for yourself. In many careers it's not even possible to just reduce working hours - it's all or nothing anyway.

crosstalk · 03/01/2023 14:36

I think PPs may have missed the fact that OP pays for a cottage because it's somewhere the whole family can fit in to and travel to? I know very few people who live close enough just to pop in for Christmas Day and have enough rooms to put up 2 to 3 families.

Having said that OP seems to be a caring soul. No reason her DP should stop treating his mum to a spa weekend, but their two kids seem to be a tad overlooked in the festive maelstrom. Perhaps they could both relax from their high powered jobs, make sure the wider family have visits if possible over Christmas and everyone has their own family time.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 14:39

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 14:01

Two under 6 with full time parents, at least one of whom working unpaid hours in addition.

I think safe to say that the kids will be missing out in at least some sense

and then when there is holiday periods… crammed with extended family stuff

Show quote history

But that isn't saying they aren't prioritising their kids and doing stuff they wouldn't like. Her examples are Panto, theme park etc which presumably they'd still do with jsut their kids but is more fun and easier with their cousin and extra adults. The holiday etc, we've been away over NY, not as fancy as ops but just us and the kids. It's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Her kids aren't seemingly going without or being made yo do stuff that isn't enjoyable for them. And op hasn't said she'd give up work or go part time etc if it wasn't for her family. Presumably the free hours is to develop her career

zingally · 03/01/2023 14:40

You're not an idiot.

But maybe sit with WHY you feel the need to be the one who organises/pays for all these trips etc?
It could be any reason. Including "I work really bloody hard, so I'm quite well off and everyone look at what I can afford for us all!" Right down to "If I don't organise something, no one will, and I'll never see them."

This Christmas I realised how much I went OTT on gifts for my niece and nephew, with no thanks. Got them both a £30 gift (chosen from a list my sister gave me) and spent probably another £30-40 on stocking stuffer type bits for a gift bag type thing each.
Did the present swap a couple of days before xmas, and my sister presented my two DCs with a book each. DS was buzzing - loves books and reading. But DD was disappointed, but trying to remember her manners and say thank you. She struggles more with reading, and hence doesn't enjoy it as much.
I just made a mental note to myself to dial it back next Christmas.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 14:42

their two kids seem to be a tad overlooked in the festive maelstrom overlooked when enjoying the Panto, a Santa theme day, a lovely holiday with their cousin and close adults, lots of fun activities? How exactly are they overlooked?? I'm not denying everyone needs down time, but op has given no indication they were dragged from activity to activity for everyone else's sake. Its not weird to spend time with your wider family

Alwayswonderedwhy · 03/01/2023 14:53

How did it become the norm that you pay?
Just stop if they don't appreciate it.

SummerHouse · 03/01/2023 15:06

Don't give anything you can't afford to give. Financially or emotionally. Ask yourself if maybe the comments are hurtful because you would like to work less. I think they do seem a tad ungrateful and maybe that's because they are envious of your ability to afford such things or embarrassed at accepting them. Finally read the Grinch. When he didn't stop Christmas from coming, it came. "It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

Not saying you are the Grinch, far from it. But if your gifts of experiences and holidays are causing you bad feeling, time to rethink.

JustCakeInDrag · 03/01/2023 15:12

FromTheFront2theBack · 03/01/2023 14:26

DH and I are definitely the higher earners in our family so will definitely foot the bill for family meals out and days out for the rest of them. I think the rest of the family appreciate it but equally would be more than happy to just do free stuff and spend time together without spending money.

It would be crazy to work your socks off to pay for stuff for the extended family so presumably being able to afford to rent a cottage is a perk of the higher paying job but not the reason you do it. So in that sense your family naturally wouldn't factor that into how they talk about your working hours. Unless they're awful people I'm sure they'd be happy for you not to book a theme park day if it meant you had a better work-life balance. While those days can be nice they're not going to have a massive impact on anyone's life and a day at the park/beach/someone's house is nice too.

That said the way they're talking to you might be a bit patronising. Presumably you've carefully thought about how you arrange your life and career so it's not necessarily helpful for family to make blanket statements. It would be fine if they expressed concern for you but beyond that you're an adult who can make decisions for yourself. In many careers it's not even possible to just reduce working hours - it's all or nothing anyway.

Genuine question- why? Why regularly put the people you love in the position of feeling beholden to you if they would be happy doing something else? Why not do an activity or eat at a venue where everyone can afford to pay for their own share or take their turn to pick up the tab? Do you see the irony of thinking that it’s OP’s family who are being patronising?

amiold · 03/01/2023 15:19

Tell them you're going to work less so can't extend it o paying for them. Tell them theirs should he to work harder

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 15:37

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 14:39

But that isn't saying they aren't prioritising their kids and doing stuff they wouldn't like. Her examples are Panto, theme park etc which presumably they'd still do with jsut their kids but is more fun and easier with their cousin and extra adults. The holiday etc, we've been away over NY, not as fancy as ops but just us and the kids. It's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Her kids aren't seemingly going without or being made yo do stuff that isn't enjoyable for them. And op hasn't said she'd give up work or go part time etc if it wasn't for her family. Presumably the free hours is to develop her career

Show quote history

She describes her life as “juggling” and even says life is “tough”

So presumably not lots of spare money. Otherwise you pay to make your life… not “tough”

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 15:41

So I’m perplexed why the op is spending thousands on the leisure pursuits of her extended family

rather than trying to make hers and her DH’s lives less “tough”. And invariably the way to do that in my experience when I was a full time parent is… throw money at the issue

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 15:42

And no bloomin way would I be spending money on panto for the family and all activities for the children and hosting Christmas… if I was describing my life in such terms as the OP describes hers

Wickedgreengirl · 03/01/2023 15:46

If it bothers you perhaps be blunt and say that if you worked less then there would be fewer family trips funded by you.