I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

If you always pay, you can make it so people come to expect it of you - and it's a situation that you have created. You haven't said they expect it of you as in are asking for it but you seem to have set an expectation for yourself which drains you and then disappoints you. What reaction would be enough to show gratitude? Why do you need to create a situation that would demand gratitude? Do you worry that you are not enough?

Step back a little. What of the things you pay for do you enjoy the most? Only do that and enjoy it for what it is. You might find you then give people the room to be grateful or even to organise things themselves.

Stop doing it, seriously. My oh has a very, very high pressured career- so I get it, I really do. This time of year is his busiest, so I’ve been on my own with our 4 kids.

We just hosted Christmas with zero acknowledgment, help, chipping in with the cost, or any help/babysitting offered for the kids. Lost loads of time with the running around to get everything, shopping etc. All for family members who have very few commitments (no children, zero financial issues- realistically more disposable income than us) Won’t do it again, lesson learned. Totally exhausting, and felt completely unappreciated.

Seriously, I don’t think people understand, unless they’re in a high pressure job that involves just staying until the work is done.

Whilst it’s OK to pay for an occasional treat for all of the family if you can afford it, but I wouldn’t expect to pay for the whole family all of the time or want anyone paying for me all of the time. Although some people don’t seem to mind other people paying, in fact they get so used to it that they just accept it & perhaps think nothing of it. But you are the one who insists on paying, so they will keep taking. You say your parents don’t have much money but they have savings, what are saving for if not retirement? As lovely as it is to go on holidays & days out with family, you can still do this without having to buy them. You are a fool & they’re taking the piss.

Organise these things if you want to and are willing to pay, or don't if you aren't. Anything else will lead to resentment and thats a dangerous path to tread.

what has happened previous years?

was this behaviour from family a total surprise?

Sounds like you're going out of your way to criticize. If op worked less and was struggling to pay the bills she'd describe her life as 'tough'. Life involves compromise. Most of us don't have the exact perfect balance of career and free time we'd like. We juggle and make it work. There is zero indication her kids are missing out. (I'm lucky enough to work part time but it's not the right choice for everyone).

I’m not criticising

I am merely questioning why someone is pouring money in to extended family when on paper at least… it looks like the money would be better spent on her immediate family situation and making life less tough

PP asked you “why”? @FromTheFront2theBack

"you should work less daughter"
"Yes, I see why you think that and maybe I will - but as with most things there are pros and cons. For example, I wouldn't be able to afford this trip for us all, or the <other thing> and I think that would be a bit sad. I think people enjoy these things - what do you think?"

This is an interesting discussion with so much that resonates. DH and I both have well paid professional jobs with long hours. Life is tough, because even with money to throw at problems there still often isn’t enough time and I am often spreading myself thinly by trying to give the DCs as much time as I can. Fundamentally though I do this job because I love it, I love taking on new projects and responsibilities and I am too selfish to work less and not be as good at my job as I think I could be. However if you are a mother with young children it’s pretty socially unacceptable to say you work more than you ‘have’ to so it’s easy to justify the long hours and travel as necessary. I have also had feedback that I work ‘too hard’, which frustrates me as I can’t see a middle ground. The job is what the job is.

I also have a tendency to try to pay for things/ more than my fair share and this thread has really made me reflect. I feel fortunate that the job I enjoy pays well and I have always felt that good fortune should be shared with family, so I can imagine doing pretty much what the OP has described. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I might be making my extended family feel uncomfortable, rather than sharing my good fortune. I have always felt that my salary was the result of 80% good luck (being good at things which an employer is willing to pay for and having enough advantages in life to recognise and take the opportunities presented to me) and 20% hard work at the right time on the right things.

some things to think about

No amount of money can give you more hours tho. Yes she could hire a full time cleaner, cook, gardener, nanny, etc but if she's stuck in work til 7, it might still be tough not seeing the kids that day. Doesn't mean she hates her job and only works til 7 out of obligation go her family, just that sometimes it tough. Even multimillionaire have days that feel tough. It isn't something to necessarily be avoided or have cash thrown at it.

They should of course be grateful and say thank you when they pay for things for them. But unless they actually ask you for those things, and paying for those things is the only reason you work the hours you do, you can't blame them for the hours you work or object to them being concerned if they think you work too much. There is no contradiction there.

If you don't want to work as much, and only do it to afford to pay if these things for them, then you should stop. If you would be working this much even without them, because you are ambitious, or enjoy your job,or want the money for yourself too, then don't blame it on them.

The lack of gratitude for your generosity is another issue however... Seems rude. But at least their comments on how hard you work shows some care about you.

I had a big long answer that got eaten, so let me try to summarise.

Prices of Uk breaks and theatre tickets have gone up exponentially since covid - perhaps your family isn't aware of this.

We have a similar situation- although sadly we aren't such high flyers and earners as yourselves. Up until last year we have had an extended family holiday, but we're not doing one in 2023.There are a number of reasons, but the main one is that our family of 3 was bearing a significant proportion of the costs disproportionate to our number, with no particular thank you or acknowledgement from anyone else. it was fine when folks were younger but now the young adults are perfectly capable of chipping in a small amount or at least expressing their thanks by cooking a meal.

It just seemed easier to park it than to renegotiate.

She says sometimes it's tough to juggle work and other commitments. It's obvious from the op that she doesn't have money issues so being less generous with family wouldn't help. Her children probably enjoy that time with the extended family so it is money directed to her children's enjoyment. Life's just tough sometimes and you make it work. It's unlikely she can just reduce her hours as she wishes either so less money to spend on family wouldn't magically make more hours in the day.

On my experience

that is EXACTLY what money buys you. Time. Time with your children that you’d otherwise spend on cleaning, laundry, gardening, arranging play dates, buying party presents etc.

I paid others to do that.

So that my down time…. Was spent with my children.

It did mean that I didn’t have a shed load to pay for extended family’s Christmas activities, panto, holiday etc

no where does she say “sometimes”

I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

Sadly you will not get thanks for your kind and generous gestures. You have been positioned as the provider in the family group and the expectation is that you will treat the others. You could try to not arrange any group outings for a while and see what the response is. Does anyone suggest anything or are they content without the trips? Instead arrange a lovely trip for your nuclear family, see if there's any reaction to it. Your wish for these en famille trips may be more important to you than to them, this will become apparent if they stop for a while for you to reflect and reassess. If there is a suggestion from the others that you have a group trip, agree and suggest they arrange it and let you know when. Unless you are happy being taken for granted, then you need to attempt a change in the dynamic. If you love the trips, love being generous, suck up the lack of thanks. However, having posted here demonstrates you're not happy with the status quo.

Well, they’re known to be very tight with money.

However, not even bringing a bottle of wine/Prosecco for the table, or a cheap box of chocolates/bottle of wine for me for hosting, cooking, and cleaning etc, was a shock to me tbh, even with their usual behaviour.

My dh & I disagree over the ethos of hosting- but when it comes to big events such as Christmas/Easter, I believe that everyone in a large family should pitch in & help out a little or chip in financially. Even by just a token gesture such as bringing a box of after dinner chocolates! Literally just turned up, ate all day, drank their own bottles without so much as bringing a cheap bottle of plonk to share, and enjoyed their day while we cooked, served, cleaned up, and tended to the kids.

No money issues, health or mobility issues, not too old to shop or cook, just expected to be “hosted” all day long.

That’s not really how it should be amongst family in my opinion.

Sorry, replied above. Still getting used to this site

Thankyou. And thanks for all replies. They are really helping me think, and about what I need to do for my DH and children.

I agree I need to step back - part of the problem, a large part of it, is - as others have suggested - that I am the "organiser", the one who will get on and book things, and in particular my parents are not decisive or organised.

So they say "it would be lovely to do x or y" but never actually take the initiative or have the confidence/ get up and go to book it. So I do it. I think I've carried on doing it for fear that they then miss out, and I've just ended up in that role. And probably then help perpetuate that behaviour

In terms of those asking "how did this happen"...my brother suggested a group trip, and we agreed we would all book somewhere. My brother gave me a third contribution for the cottage and I then booked all the activities, but my parents didn't offer their third and I haven't asked. I know deep down they are grateful but I think they are just oblivious to the cost and the effort.

Thanks again for the help. It has helped to hear the views.

So you’d not hosted before? If so, then you have it a go, they weee awful guests, no more. If you had hosted them before, why agree to again?!

my parents didn't offer their third and I haven't asked

Well, if you haven't asked, maybe they thought it was a gift.

Either way, stop being such a martyr.

If you book again in future op you need to put on the group message, thirds would be £X, is everyone OK with that? If your parents say no and you choose to put extra for them, at least it's clear

“they say "it would be lovely to do x or y" but never actually take the initiative or have the confidence/ get up and go to book it. So I do it.”
^
i would start booking activities for yourself and getting them to book their own. - “Hey, we’re going to go to Lego land on 7th Feb. Do you fancy coming along. I’ve booked our tickets, but if you want to book for that same day let us know and we’ll arrange a time and place to meet in the morning “.

or telling them the cost and booking things after they’ve paid. “fab, I’m so glad you can come. It’ll be £58 each. If you transfer that across to me I’ll book it up”.

It sounds like you just need to communicate. This sounds less like they expect you to pay and more like your parents at least need to have things set out more clearly.

Dis you consult with the others before booking the activities?

Agree with pp that, if it happens again, you need to set it all out beforehand so people know what is expected, including any activities so people can choose whether they want to do them and pay for themselves.

I’ve had a similar thing with my mother on a group holiday- we’d agreed to split the big supermarket shop three ways and she then failed to pay her bit and when I mentioned it seemed to think she’d pulled a fast one on the supermarket rather than me (“mum, you need to pay your share of the shopping”, “well, they’ve delivered it and I’ve certainly given Waitrose enough of my money over the years…”) Not suggesting your parents would be like this but people can be awfully dim when it comes to understanding how costs have been split and what they owe. See also any hen night.