I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

I have a very hard-working professional outlying family member whom I've known for 40 years. She loves going to really up-market hotels and on cruises. They're not my thing. She used to go with her husband and, after they divorced, her mum. They'd share a room together but I don't think I'd want to share with her. I can't afford £2000 for a flashy weekend away or a cruise costing upwards of £5k for a week so I've consistently refused her suggestions that we go away on financial grounds. Saying that I can't afford it seems easier than saying I really don't want to go on a fancy cruise with thousands of other people and get dressed up smartly in cocktail dresses for dinner each evening (which is what she likes doing).

She's presented me with a fait accompli in the shape of a Christmas gift. She's booked a two-bedroom suite for us for a weekend in London in a five-star hotel later in the year, with theatre tickets and an art show included and a booking at a posh restaurant. It's very generous of her and I imagine we'll have a lovely time but I'd hate to think that afterwards she'd be feeling like the OP. I don't expect this level of generosity. In fact it embarrasses me.

I've accepted the gift of this amazing weekend mainly because it's what she wants. She wants company while she does the things she loves doing. At least, that's how I've understood it.

I would tell your family that your New Year's Resolution is to work less. Spend a year not paying for anything, put the money into savings for your children instead as it will have a bigger impact done so early. See if anyone comments on you not spending, see how they react. Next year you will have a much clearer idea.

I don't think you're an idiot but I would try and reframe your perspective and heed what your family are saying - it sounds like you value family time so much that you're willing to grind yourself to the bone to acquire it, which is lovely.

But do you need to spend so much to do nice things together? Do you think your family would equally be happy on a nice day out in summer to a field/lake with a picnic, rather than in a paid for by you cottage break?

Is there part of you that worries your family wouldn't be around for you if you couldn't provide for them what you currently are?

Exactly this!

Op"'s DM " you need to work less"

Op " Good idea mum, I'm definitely cutting back. By the way, next year everyone will need to pay their own way at Christmas".

I’m not talking about the majority of posters, I’m talking about the preachy ones.

I definitely think their pointed comments about 'work less' are their way of saying that they are not comfortable with all this unnecessary extravagance while not wishing to sound ungrateful or to hurt your feelings. They are trying to tell you something.

You can't buy love.

They don't need to grovel to you because you splash the cash.

I think what you really want to hear is that they'd love to spend more time with you and see you happier, even if it means you can't afford to treat them. That your happiness is more important to them than the gifts. I can't tell from the detail here if they'd say that but what do you think?

It's unreasonable to resent them over the cost of the activities when it appears to be entirely your choice to spend that money. They're not forcing you to book expensive trips etc. - next time you all want to meet up, just suggest something cheap/free to do.

It may be hard to do but you really need to have an honest conversation with your family about the cost of trips and stays away. I am in a similar position. I enjoy paying for nice experiences/ trips away for us but sometimes it becomes a burden with the 'why don't you work less' comments. They won't understand unless you talk to them and maybe they have no idea of the costs and would not want to do the same things in future.

I don't think the OP is motivated by a desire to be acknowledged as a success at all. She thinks these are lovely things that her family enjoys and she wants to show them her love. She's not saying 'if I didn't have to pay for these things I could stop working so hard' - she works hard and does these things. She's just asking for her family to acknowledge the gift really, and say thanks, it's lovely of you.

Unfortunately, OP, I don't think they will. I think you have to dial it back, although I expect you will continue to work hard (it sounds as though this is your default). You can let them think that the reason for fewer nice things is that you're working less or you can just say nothing and let them work it out.

I do think you should look at whether you are missing out on things with your own immediate family by working so hard as a separate issue - maybe you are, maybe you aren't, maybe it's a bit of both but overall it feels worth it to you for what the extra cash allows you to do for your kids.

This is why so many people dislike and are made uncomfortable by being given extravagant gifts.

Because they ALWAYS come with strings attached and a power dynamic.

Your choice of words - trying to be a "good" daughter and sister are very telling, why do do you need to "try"? And is spending money on them your way of showing you're "good"?

I think it's about the OP feeling unseen by her wider family. She's happy with her life, has become financially successful, is a hardworking professional, a loving mum, wife, sister, daughter. She has generosity and love to share. But her wider family don't see that, don't really understand her life.

Has her DM or DF or DSis said things like "OP im so proud of you, what you've achieved" or "OP, youre such a generous person, I'm so proud to have you as my sister"?

Their "work less hard" comments are coming from a place of love, ok, but not from a place of love that show any real understanding of who OP actually is.

And she's trying to be a "good" daughter etc because she so wants to be seen and valued for all that she is

They wont "get it" until you say it. And as others have said, they may not actually be that fussed about all the trips etc and they thought it was important to you. You have to take control of this, if it's bothering you. Spell it out in uncertain terms. "I've taken your advice to work less hard so I'll be earning less and can't pay for XYZ anymore".

I also think the OP needs to work on understanding that you don't necessarily have to equate money spent = good time.

It seems to me as though the OP and her husband need to spend money on others to seek validation.

I've seen this type of thing before with workaholic absent parents:

Absent parent: But we worked 24/7 to give you all the things we never had. You've never wanted for anything.

Child: But I only wanted love and for you to be there.

I don't feel that.

I feel this is about her need to be seen and her equating spending money = love. The use of the statement 'do they get it' is very telling here.

Both need to be unpacked.

I feel her families comments of 'work less' are they way of saying 'you don't need to spend so much money on us because we love you all the same'.

I might be reading too much into this, but coming from a similar point of view, there are a number of factors that contribute to the 'not getting' things that, in turn, narrow down the financial impact to one person.

One that stands out for me is the organisational aspects of what you describe above. I enjoy, and am now good at, planning to book a cottage, and would do this almost entirely using online options now. But as my internet booking processes are good, the organisation = also the payment that's involved at the time.

My parents have stayed at a cottage I originally found, for a few years now. The last time they did, there was a problem with the water supply that took about 1.5 days to fix, and the owner said to them that they would be given a day free if they came again (which is likely).

They've asked me to book this cottage again for later this year. I recommended they find a phone number to book directly because of that offer, and they said 'Oh no, don't worry then - we wouldn't really take them up on that'.

Same with the bookings for the things you have done. These need planning, and to fit with the other things that you are committed to, and these days you often have to get in quite early to be able to be sure of tickets etc. With larger numbers of people, 'spontaneous' is not often completely possible. I suspect that you are a good and organised planner, with others not really getting (or having forgotten) that striking a balance with work, family, and little kids, hugely needs this characteristic.

Well done to you for working so hard because i have one DD under 4 and cannot seem to function with part time work alone!
Secondly, there are people who are grateful for the tinniest things and there are those that will never be grateful over anything. Your brother’s family and yours are very different and you will find you drift apart because of this. I wouldn’t try so hard with them next time.

You place a financial value on your successful relationship because it makes you happy. Now you are not happy because you have been told to ease off. The message is there.

My DB bought a second home and wants to host there all the time They have more money than the rest of the family so often go there with friends as well as going on foreign holidays. They don't come and stay with other family members so no one can reciprocate the hospitality. The house is a distance for everyone to travel to and the cost means that trips there are our only holiday. We would love to dip out and go on a holiday of our own choosing but get guilt tripped if we don't all meet up at the property.

We are very conscious that outings are based on what DB can afford and wants to gift us so no one wants to seem ungrateful by suggesting other activities that we can all afford. Asking to do something else would be taken as hurtful by db.

It's horrible being seen as the poor relations who need to be subsidised. I think once the DPs are no longer with us the pressure to go will reduce and I suspect the poor siblings will stop going so we can do what we want to do.

We are grateful for the money that has been spent but not being able to reciprocate or raise it without causing offence has ground us down. It's really sad that by wanting always to be the generous ones is likely to end up killing the trips off. No doubt to outsiders it will seem ungrateful but it really isn't.

Why don't you just tell them that you can't work less and pay for things like the cottage? Money doesn't grow on trees. Maybe they just need it pointed out and it will make you feel better.

As you pay a lot for these things @Bigcrane , maybe they incorrectly think you must be absolutely minted, so what you're paying for these trips isn't that much to you.

Perhaps those comments about working less hard are coming from people who are watching the daughter/ sister they love trying too hard to be perfect. Many of us will know high-achieving people who work so hard they turn relaxing and having fun into yet another project that must be accomplished as efficiently as possible. Sometimes, as others have pointed out, a spontaneous picnic in the park is more fun than the carefully curated type of fun. I've just finished watching season three of Succession and so perhaps I'm unduly cynical about the joy that throwing money at things brings.

OP sounds like a reasonable and generous person and I'm going to assume that her family are reasonable and generous people too and express appropriate gratitude for her gifts — which in my family would involve saying thank you at the time, expressing appreciation of the extras (the panto tickets etc) and following up with a card or note and a bunch of flowers or whatever. But you shouldn't really have to send thank-you notes to immediate family whom you've thanked in person in my book.

OP, when did you start doing this and how did it become habitual? When in the recent holiday negotiations did you agree to pay 75% of the cost? Who initiated the idea? Did anyone say to you 'I/ we can't afford this' at which point you stepped in and said you'd cover costs? I know you're motivated by the desire to be kind/ good but perhaps if you flip the coin you can see that from their point of view you might seem a little controlling or perhaps even in danger rubbing their noses in the fact that they don't have as much disposable income as you.

Perhaps what they're saying is true. Perhaps they'd prefer to see you more relaxed and really able to enjoy them and your children without the pressure of work hanging over you. What are you like on these occasions? Are you relaxed and easy to be with or do you think they can see signs of the stress you're under?